Weltschmerz

Durch Hanomaru

Disclaimer: While I lay claim to my creative works, such as my fanfics, manga, artwork and songs, I lay no claim to Arakawa-sensei's Fullmetal Alchemist. This is for jest, not profit.

Warnings: Mush, swearing, appalling writing. Robertson Davies I am not.

A/N: I just realized that thanks to my parents and their odd ideas about how the Internet affects my grades, I've missed all four of my anniversaries. Ah, I was such a n00b in the good old days when less than a quarter of all fanfics were Mary-Sues...

-

Debatten

From above, Cairn Pass appeared to be a tiny light spot in a sea of deep green, just two farmhouses, a small mustard field and a chapel near a valley between two large, forested hills that didn't quite make the cut as mountains.(1) They didn't get a good look at it, though, because Ed was more focused on figuring out how to land.

All his knowledge of physics and all his patience for thought were tested to ensure their safety. Finally, the airstrip from which Bernotti usually took off came into view.

Ed took over control from Bernotti. She wibbled a bit as he throttled down to nearly no power, but assumed he had more of an idea of what he was doing than she did. He nosed the plane down, just as Bernotti had done on all her test flights. The horizon rose until all that was visible out of the cockpit was green with a vertical strip of muddy brown. Ed adjusted the yaw of the plane to point it squarely at the makeshift runway, then, seconds before impact, pulled the nose up hard. The craft's rate of descent slowed enough that the landing was not one of Bernotti's crashes, but a mere thump and a lot of vibration. The dirt runway, washboard potholes and all, was no silky deal. Ed turned the motor off as the plane gradually slowed until it stopped ten metres from the end of the runway. Bernotti applauded madly. All her tiny, denim-clad glory was devoted to absolute joy at being alive.

"Well done, Mr. Elric! I must say, I'm amazed! I never would have thought of that!"

"Of what?"

"When I landed, it was just aiming for the ground and trying to level off before hitting it. But you... pulled up much farther and powered down much earlier! Such skill!"

Havoc reached around the seat and patted Ed on the shoulder. "Congrats, Ed. You just made history."

Al piped in cheerfully. "That's true! First complete flight this side of the Gate!"

There was a somewhat uncomfortable pause. "'Gate?' Are we in someone's garden?" Bernotti asked, baffled.

Ed was now the one apologizing. "Sorry, ma'am, it's nothing. Just a bit of Central jargon, right, Al?"

"Yeah! It's nothing! Really!"

"Oh. Okay. Well, my house is just back near the hangar over there, so we could go in there for tea and... oh, dear me..."

As Ed stepped out, he heard crashing and banging from the aforementioned hangar and saw a number of young men carrying - or attempting to carry - large boxes with bits of metal sticking out the top. He ran over to them, screaming for them to stop. On sighting his automail arm, they all stopped instantly. Ed stopped, too, prepared to fight.

Nothing happened. Everyone just stood there, staring at one another, until Bernotti made her way slowly between them. She stood up to her full height, which was less than intimidating, and shouted with more violent intent than seemed possible for her, "If you want scrap metal, go to the junkyard, you young hoodlums! That's my personal spare materials you're lifting! And, by George, if you disassembled my other baby, you will get such a whipping...!" She stopped and cracked her knuckles.

The 'young hoodlums' laughed. "And what can you do, huh? Set yer metal-man there on us? Huh! We'll take him apart before he can hit us!" the evident leader of the pack yelled.

Ed took this as a challenge. Without thinking, he clapped, smacked the ground and knocked every single one of them off their collective feet with a massive barrage of rock-hard mud chunks shooting up from the ground. Everyone was too busy watching the carnage to see Ed stumble and fall...

-

When he awoke, he was surrounded by faces. Not all were familiar, but Al, Roy and Havoc were among them. Three had shiners or other assorted minor injuries. Most were absolutely ecstatic to see Ed return to sentience. Even Roy smiled, and it was an honest smile, not a sarcastic or condescending smirk. Roy and Ed just looked at each other as the others celebrated. Roy seemed lost in thought; Ed was more along the lines of dazed and confused. The jubilation migrated out of the room, leaving the two alone. Silence, except for noises of pots and pans in an adjacent room, enveloped them.

Roy was the first to break it. "I never asked... did you destroy it?"

Ed was still in a bit of a daze. "Destroy what?"

"The uranium bomb. The reason why you left. The thing that made you leave us, once again, with an incomplete world."

Ed blinked in astonishment. "What? Are you getting sentimental?! Should I call a doctor?"

"No. Look, Ed." Roy sat down on the side of the bed while maintaining eye contact with Ed. "Everyone who knew you in this world missed you. You belong to this world. You and Al, both of you. This may sound completely illogical coming from me, but our world just didn't turn properly after you left. The Ed and Al of the other world can't - ..." Roy closed his mouth upon seeing Ed's expression change.

Ed broke the eye contact and stared at his left hand. "They're both dead."

"...How?"

He clenched the sheets in his fist. "I... killed... them both..." Memories flooded in. The middle of a burning wreck of a crashed zeppelin, transmuting himself through his personal Gate at the other Edward's cost... Hearing a gun fire multiple rounds as he passed through the Gate in Alfons's rocket, and returning to see him lying in Noa's arms, dead from a shot to the abdomen... Thinking, believing, knowing that it was all his fault... He whispered, "They're both dead. And I might as well have pulled the trigger..." Ed's voice was cracking even as he spoke. It hurt to breathe. He lowered his head, trying to curl up into his own world, where he could inhale and say he wasn't a murderer, that he wasn't a selfish coward who killed only for his own survival or for a personal whim.

First, he felt the hand on his right shoulder. Then he felt it slide around to his other shoulder, joined by another arm from the left shoulder to the right. Then he felt Roy's cheek pressed against his forehead. He would have looked up in confusion, but Roy's face was in the way. He settled for pulling him closer and trying to breathe without choking.

Roy mumbled, "Don't beat yourself up about it." He spoke with conviction. "It's not your fault. You didn't kill them of your own will. You were forced by others. You are the hands, not the brain. You have no control over who dies and who lives. You aren't a cold-blooded killer. Someone else took your hands and made you pull that trigger..."

Ed understood everything as Roy continued to reassure him. He understood far more than Roy probably wanted him to. He wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in Roy's shoulder.

"Oh, my..."

Both froze and slowly turned their heads to see everyone and their pot of spaghetti in the doorway. Most eyes were widened, to put it mildly, except those of a completely unsurprised Havoc and a slightly embarrassed Al.

Bernotti, the mistress of tact, spoke again. "I'm sorry... um... should we leave you two alone a bit longer?"

The two on the bed leaned away from one another. Ed was about to snap a hasty 'If you wouldn't mind!' when Roy calmly responded, "It's not a problem, Doctor."

No one moved. Bernotti continued the interrogation. "If it's not a personal question, why were both of you... erm... so... emotional?"

Ed's eyebrow twitched madly as he repeated, "'If it's not a personal question?!'"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Elric. I just wanted to know why you were upset. Perhaps we could help?"

Ed grumbled, "Too late. He solved it," indicating the man he'd been hanging onto for dear sanity moments ago.

"Your hospitality is appreciated. Is there anything I could do to help?" Roy asked, always more prone to diplomacy than the blond ball of bitterness next to him.

"Oh, no, no. It's quite all right. We were just wondering if you wanted something to eat."

It was at this point that Ed realized he hadn't eaten since the previous night. His stomach decided this was an appropriate moment to audibly back up that claim. Bernotti smiled and left the room to do more cooking-like things, taking the three strangers with her. Ed watched them carefully and with deep suspicion.

"...Aren't those the guys I beat the crap out of earlier?"

Havoc removed the cigarette from his mouth and held it in front of him. "Yep. Turns out they're not bad. They were going to use the metal to build a treehouse for some neighbourhood kids or something. Also turns out they're being sent north too, with another division of the military."

Ed, having just been bopped rather suddenly with a clue-by-four, made a small noise of interest. "Who are they, though?"

"Don't know. Random guys."

Ed looked disappointed for a moment, but dismissed their anonymity.

Noises came from outside the room. Ed began to stand up, but Roy stopped him with a hand before moving silently to listen through the door. He remained completely unemotional as he listened intently with his ear near the door until after about three minutes. Then, he looked forward with only the slightest hint of fear in his face. He turned towards his three subordinates and said, quietly, but with deliberation, "Our cover is blown."

Ed bowed his head. Havoc gave a despairing sigh through his cigarette. Al took about a second to figure out what it meant, then his shoulders sunk and he went to sit on the bed next to his brother.

"So what are they going to do?" Al asked.

"From the sound of it, they seem intent on somehow telling General Arrow(2) about it and, knowing him, neither of us will ever have a respectable job again," Roy said calmly, before going into what could have been the embryo of a rant. "Ed, being a Major, would probably take the brunt of the abuse. They'll probably testify that he seduced a Commander-General into a lifestyle that not only prevents either of us from fathering a bunch of good little patriots, but falls outside their narrow idea of 'normal.'"

Ed was a bit flustered by the seduction comment. "Hey, look, why does my rank mean I get blamed? Isn't it the superi - "

"It doesn't matter to them. I'm sorry, Ed. That's what they said."

Al spoke up. "But Bernotti seems like a reasonable person. Why would she turn you in for something like this?"

Roy sighed at Al's naïveté. "Even the best of us can have the worst prejudices."

At which point Bernotti entered with a big platter of steaming spaghetti and meatballs, underscoring Roy's words and embroidering little flowers around them. Cautiously, she invited them to the dining room, where she had set places for all eight of them. They all took their seats, as directed by her hand, after she had set everything on the table.

The conversation over dinner was limited. Most of it was between Havoc and Bernotti, on the subject of the Drachman front. The three well-intentioned punks listened carefully. After all, they were listening to their fate.

"As far as I know, there have been few casualties. Most of the villages have just surrendered when they saw us at their gates," Havoc informed Bernotti.

"Ah, yes. That is understandable. The southern villages know when they're outgunned. The farther north you go, though, the more stubborn and aggressive the people become. I wouldn't be surprised if the invasion was halted at the capital," Bernotti imparted calmly. "I lived in Drachma for a very short time. In fact," she said, glancing to one of the trio, "there are those among us who have very close connections to Drachma. Am I wrong, Gerard?"

The young man sat up straight, as though someone had just poked something sharp into the small of his back. He nodded quickly. "M-My father walked out on us many years ago and he l-lives in... uh... I'm sorry..." he stammered, before shrivelling into a slouch under Mustang's stare.

Mustang looked back to his food and said, "Please continue," before taking a bite of garlic bread.

"Well, he, uh, lives in Rellick, sir. W-with his new wife." He reached shakily into an inner pocket of his jacket. "This is all I have of him." He pulled out an old, worn piece of photographic paper and laid it carefully on the table. It showed the image of a broad-shouldered, bearded man embracing his young wife and three small children. Ed recognized the eldest of the children as the boy sitting across the table from him. Presumably, it had been at least ten years since the photograph was taken.

Without thinking, he asked, "Where's your mother now?"

Gerard said, in a voice barely bigger than a whisper, "She ran off, too, a few years later... I have no idea where she is. My father sends us money sometimes, and th-the whole village helped raise us... I'm s-sorry! What did I say??" he suddenly exclaimed, and backed away a bit from Ed.

It was then that Ed realized he had been making a very unhappy face. He fixed it into a false smile and responded, "Nothing! Nothing at all. Heck, you might even meet your father in Drachma."

Gerard smiled, both sadly and nervously. "I'd rather like to..."

It would have been silent if it weren't for the sounds of cutlery clanking on plates and eight people chewing their food until Bernotti, in a fashion so blunt that despite its intent Ed found it secretly amusing, asked, "Are you two homosexual?"

Roy stopped as he was raising his food to his mouth, set it down, and slowly turned to Bernotti, all with such dignity that Ed was tempted to say yes as he watched him.

"No." Bernotti nodded and returned to her food, but the three young soldiers weren't convinced. Roy noticed this and turned to them. "I realize what you saw earlier would tell you otherwise, but while I will not deny that I hugged the Fullmetal Alchemist, I will not let that go to your judgment as evidence for the two of us being lovers. I am merely very secure in my masculinity. I don't know about Edward, but - don't worry, Ed, it takes a lot of courage to cry, too - but you need to understand that. I am not homosexual," Roy declared with absolute certainty.

Either he's gotten really good at lying or... Ed caught himself and rebutted his thoughts with: So what if he's straight?! It's not like I'm going to be some broken, angsty little whiner if he rejects me! Pf! I don't care! He's just...

Oh, what the hell.

-

He didn't even go out to a bar that night.

It had been a regular activity, almost a ritual, for him to go out for a drink with Havoc, Falman and Breda every Saturday, but now it held no appeal for him. He had more important things to do. No - that was wrong. He had more important things to think was what he had. While others were out celebrating the return of two of the best alchemists Amestris had ever seen, he was at his house, sitting at a chair in the kitchen with a frugal shot of cognac in front of him, appearing to be convinced that he could make it explode by staring at it. In fact, he was thinking about how he had missed the opportunity that he had waited years for.

-

A/N: So school is out for the moment and my job schedule is pretty loose and my boyfriend and I are both uninterested in going out every three frickin' hours. Therefore, I have more time to devote to fanworks like this and more energy to put into...

Not-Very-Significant-But-Good-Things-To-Know Notes!:

[1 This description of Cairn Pass is based on an actual place minus the airstrip. It's a village called La Bouteille in central France, near Clermont-Ferrand. My family has a close connection with it; long story short, my grandfather's Halifax NAN crashed near there during WWII and due to a variety of circumstances and his rather heroic nature he ended up spending a year fighting with the Maquis. We visited the place a couple of years ago. It's really quite pretty.

[2 You know how most of the military people get their names from military aircraft? Mustang, Hawkeye, Havoc... Yeah. There's a new General in town, and the bugger's got the honour of being named after the A.V. Roe Arrow. Canada's biggest military breakthrough and I pin it with this bloody homophobe.