Shinobi's Guide 2: Bored Teenagers
Part Ten: Property is Theft!
By Kaori
After training vigorously all morning, attempting to stalk numerous chuunin (with varying degrees of success), getting into a meaningless argument with Chouji about shabu shabu, and starting a pie fight in the market district again, Naruto was still bored. He needed a challenge; something that would sharpen his skills. But most importantly, it had to be something he hadn't done ten times already. Then, like a lightning bolt, inspiration struck! A slow, devious, borderline evil smile went across his face. Yes. That is what he would do…
An hour later he decided he was very glad he'd sent a kagebunshin covered in sleeping drug-laced sausages into the Inuzuka compound first. With the guard dogs asleep it was a lot easier to sneak around. He'd brought along some sleep powder bombs just in case he ran into anyone as he snuck around but so far he'd been fortunate. Ever so carefully he made his way across the ceiling. That's right, the ceiling; he wasn't taking any chances. If an alarm was raised the first thing the residents would do is waste time having their dogs sniff the floors for the scent of an intruder; all he'd need to do at that point is have a couple hundred of his kagebunshin henge into a nondescript shinobi and haul tail in different directions while he made his escape. There seemed to be no need to implement his emergency escape plan though, as he'd managed to get to his target without alerting anyone. Exceedingly pleased with himself, yet still cautious, he went back out the way he'd come with his prize tucked into his jacket.
The next target of his B.E.T (1) adventures was the far more difficult Hyuuga mansion. Fortunately, the secret entrance into Hanabi's bedroom (which he'd discovered during the accursed bra incident) was still there and unguarded. Unfortunately, the unpleasant little Hyuuga was occupying it.
"Great," Naruto thought. "now what do I do?" The gods must have been bored too because at that moment Neji tried to sneak passed Hanabi's room but ended up tripping over Hiashi's pet dust bunny Mr. Snuggakins (Don't ask! The Hyuuga clan is just messed up okay!). Hanabi was all over Neji lke Pedobear on a 3rd grader.
"Neeejiiiiiii! Plaaaaaaay with meeeeeeee!" sang the little girl as she dragged Neji into her room. The older Hyuuga was leaving deep fingernail marks in the hardwood floor that would be a bitch and a half to get out later as he tried desperately (and futilely) to escape his little cousin. Neither Hyuuga noticed Naruto making his exit.
It was a little more difficult finding the item he was looking for but he managed it and hastily beat a retreat out the opposite side of the compound.
Robbing Lee's house was ridiculously easy as the older boy had left all the doors unlocked. Naruto had to wonder at such a trusting soul, but then realized that no one in their right mind would rob a ninja. Ignoring the fact that he'd just called himself crazy he moved on to the next place on his mental hit list.
He needed to take a break after robbing Kakashi. Not because it was difficult but because the various disturbing objects in his sensei's apartment had left him far too traumatized to continue immediately. That man really needed to get a girlfriend. After getting some ramen to calm his poor nerves, he returned to his little crime spree.
Naruto'd toyed with the idea of robbing Ibiki while he was in the neighbourhood but thought better of it, opting to hit Shikamaru's house instead. Again he thought about robbing Shino's place and again decided against it. Some things you just don't do.
His final target was the home of one Uchiha Sasuke. He'd saved his rival's house for last because he didn't want to rush; he would have to be especially careful if he was going to accomplish his self-appointed mission.
Sasuke, while at home, is ridiculously paranoid. Having witnessed his brother kill his parents, he always had the fear in the back of his mind that Itachi would come back and finish what he started. Then there is the whole business of Orochimaru wanting his body (quite possibly in that way) and his paranoia just skyrocketed. Sasuke is the only non-jounin in the entire village that habitually sleeps with a kunai.
Thankfully for Naruto it is still late afternoon and the young Uchiha's paranoia doesn't start to kick in until after sunset.
He'd gone in through the roof because Sasuke booby traps the windows. Granted that measure wasn't very effective against the ones that had ninja training, but if the traps were disabled it was a way of knowing that someone (fangirl, Itachi, whomever) was in the house and could prepare himself. Very carefully, Naruto cut a hole large enough for him to get in and out of fairly easily and then slipped inside.
The blonde ended up moving fairly slowly; the timbers and beams holding the roof up were very old and groaned at the additional weight. He eased his way towards where he knew the bathroom was, a journey that took fifteen minutes at his snail-like pace.
Sasuke's bedroom was his ultimate goal but the rooms between the dark-haired boy's bathroom and bedroom were all locked and boarded up, so he had to risk discovery by making a mad dash towards the bedroom.
Safe! He exulted as he managed to avoid detection. He almost thought the Uchiha might not be home and he'd be able to get in and out without running into his teammate.
"Dobe, what are you doing in my house?" a very familiar voice hissed coldly. Naruto turned around slowly. Crap, it wasn't his imagination after all. "Well?"
Drawing on skills honed from years of hit and run pranking and ninja training, hands went in and out of his pocket faster than you can say "lullaby". Sasuke suddenly found himself with a face full of sleeping powder and was out like a light shortly thereafter. Not waiting around to gloat over his fallen teammate's prone body, Naruto got busy arranging him so that when he woke up, he'd think he'd fallen asleep and only dreamt that the blonde had been there. Then he collected what he'd come for and left.
Tsunade was unhappily going through the backlog of paperwork that had accumulated on her desk for months and had only really started getting any attention over the last week or so. She rubbed her eyes tiredly. When the missions had been coming in every day she could rationalize not doing the paperwork because she had to personally see to the new missions and then delegate the paperwork to the first person who annoyed her and/or interrupted her sake time. The giggling coming from below the tower wasn't helping either.
Wait...giggling? That's never a good sign. People giggling below the Hokage Tower usually were up to no good, watching people who were up to no good, or reading Icha Icha Paradise. Quickly she made her way to the window.
Looking down she could see that of the people who were laughing some were saluting while others pointing upwards to curious passersby. Craning her neck up she couldn't see what was so amusing so she made her way to the roof. The sight that met her made her laugh riotously.
Naruto was dutifully saluting a flag. While this in and of itself is not funny the fact that the flag is made entirely out of underwear is. Tsunade immediately recognized Sasuke's as no one else would dare wear the Uchiha symbol on their crotch. The large pair with the frogs on them had to be Jiraiya's; Rock Lee's had his name stitched in the band as did Inuzuka Kiba's. The rest of the undergarments she couldn't identify and seriously doubted their owner's would dare come and collect them.
The younger blonde looked very pleased with himself, but the smug look on his face was immediately replaced by terror when Hyuuga Neji appeared out of the blue and started beating the crap out of him, soon followed by Sasuke, Kiba, and his other victims save Jiraiya (who didn't seem to care), Shikamaru (who felt it too troublesome), and Kakashi (who was down near the base of the tower saluting).
Things bored teenagers do #10: Indulge in (very) petty theft.
1) Breaking, Entering, and Theft not Black Entertainment Television (although that would be hysterical).
I felt I needed to explain the title of this last chapter because I wasn't sure everyone would understand. The property is part of a larger quote by a French anarchist named Pierre-Joseph Proudhon in which he equates slavery to murder and property to robbery. However, the first time I had seen this quote was in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy where Zaphod Beeblebrox says (when asked by Arthur Dent whether he owns the ship The Heart of Gold), "look, property is theft, right? Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine, OK?" Even after finding out the true origin of the quote I found it hilarious and always wanted to using it somewhere (without having to resort to actual theft), I got my opportunity with this chapter. And now I leave you with a stupid joke: Why do anarchists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!