Rose and Lysander didn't speak. There was unspoken hurt between them. Neither was ready to work it out with the other. Rose talked to Lily sometimes, but kept her distance when Lysander would approach. She spent some time at the Slytherin table with Hugo and Louis. Albus was always so preoccupied with Lorcan, and Rose didn't feel like seeing the spitting image of Lysander. When Lysander joined Hugo and Louis, she left.
She spent more time with Scorpius, not that either of them noticed. In a way, they weren't spending time together. They sat in complete silence, mainly studying, in the library or Great Hall. Speaking interactions were limited to class time. Rose didn't do rounds at all any more. She went straight to her room at curfew time. It didn't matter anyway, as Scorpius pretty much did them for her.
Rose had never felt worse. She didn't feel like eating or sleeping. Sleeping was especially hard. She never felt rested. She could barely find anything good to read in the library. She studied so much with Malfoy, it was essentially useless to sit up and study any more at this point. She would pull out her map when she felt especially restless. Weeks of sleepless nights added to months. Months and months of spying on Scorpius Malfoy.
By June, she spent nearly two years watching Scorpius at the lake, and it was at that point she decided to actually see what he was doing. It was nearly four in the morning, which was late even for him. Yet, there he was, sitting on the edge of the shore. Rose tiptoed out of the dormitory and down the tower's staircase. The castle was dark, and she knew if there was a teacher out she would get caught. She kept an eye on her map, walking out of the castle and down to the lake.
Rose saw Scorpius there, staring across the lake. She noticed the way he sat, his elbows resting on his knees, and he was almost slouched over. His head was up now, though. He just stared across the water. Rose took a small step forward, accidentally making a slight noise. Scorpius's head snapped towards her.
"Impedimenta!" he shouted. Rose was now petrified. Scorpius stood up, and stalked towards her. He exhaled when he saw who it was. He chuckled, grabbing her shoulders. She almost lost her balance, steadied by him when she regained her movement. "Be thankful I'm tired. Otherwise, I would have completely hexed you."
"You should be glad I'm tired, otherwise I would have deflected that and hexed you into the next decade." He rolled his eyes, and let go over her shoulders.
"At least it's you. The last few times someone has caught me down here, it's taken memory charms to get them away."
"Why are you here?"
"I could ask the same for you." He sat back down, and she sat down next to him. "And I believe since you came in on my spot, you owe me the explanation first." He smirked at her. He was too exhausted to put more effort into a taunt. Is everyone just tired all the time? Rose thought.
"You come down here every night," she started.
"So you are stalking me. It only took you five years to admit."
"Have you been holding out for that comment that long? That's pathetic. You've given me plenty better remarks than that one."
"Does any of that have to do with why you're by my lake?"
"Your lake?"
"Between curfew and six in the morning, it is my lake. You cannot argue this, or I will expel you from it. So, continue."
"I have this map-"
"Everyone knows about your map, Weasley."
"So if you know about it, why are you having me explain it?"
"Just because you know I'm here doesn't give you an excuse to join me." Rose paused. She was just going to explain how she had seen him down here every night, but now she wondered. Why did she want to come down here? She shrugged.
"I was just wondering why you were out here," she answered candidly.
"Fair enough."
"So why are you here, then? You've been coming out here for two years, at least."
"Year three was when I started going out here. I wanted to see if I could see the dormitories." Rose gazed into the water; you couldn't, except for a faint green light. "Then I was coming out here when things felt crazy. It's too dark to try and distract myself with transfiguration books. Please make a note of that to Lysander, that I do read the concepts." Rose groaned.
"If I ever talk to him again, I will." She stopped, realizing she had said this aloud. Scorpius glanced at her with a cocked eyebrow and a smirk.
"Is it finally time? Do I finally get to hear what's gotten the snarky redhead to shut up?" She grimaced, and punched his arm. He laughed, and turned towards her. He wasn't like Lysander, he kept direct eye contact with whoever he was speaking to, unless distracted. "Seriously, though, you should tell me."
"Why on earth would I ever want to tell you something?"
"Maybe because whatever it is, you haven't told your moody cousin yet. Nor have you told the other two, and I know this because they're all in my house. They're all dying to know. Hell, Hugo even asked me."
"What did you tell him?"
"That I got more OWLs than you and a better score in Charms." Rose snorted. "I know it's about Lysander, though. Did you get tired of his pretentiousness of transfiguration? I've seen him practice, it's almost pathetic. What's the point in learning the theories if-"
"I'll tell you just so I don't have to hear another word about transfiguration."
"Hm… hear Rose's problems or talk about the coolest thing in existence."
"If you think transfiguration is the coolest thing ever you are more of a geek than I thought."
"Well, hell, just because I wasn't put in your little study group of a house doesn't mean that I'm still not number one in our class."
"Oh, please. Wait until Flitwick grades the last paper."
"If he ever gets to it. That man has to retire. I'd rather not be the witness to a mid-lecture death." Rose was about to retort, offended by his insult of her beloved charms professor, but Scorpius spoke first. "So, what is the problem? This entire term you've been doing that thing where you stare at a page for hours and think no one's noticed that you haven't turned it."
"No one has noticed."
"I have!"
"Exactly."
"Whatever, Weasley. Play defensive then."
"Alright! I'll talk. If you'll shut up for a second." He made a zipping motion over his mouth, dramatically. "So, Lysander kissed me, but he's in love with Lily. I haven't talked to him, but I keep thinking about it."
"So, you two broke up, didn't you?"
"What?"
"Wait, what are you still with him?" Scorpius was confused.
"Oh my god, did you think… We were together?"
"You weren't?"
"Oh god, no! No, not at all. He's just my friend, or he was." Scorpius was looking over the water again. He turned back to her.
"So, he was using you."
"Yes. Well, no. I'm not sure." She inhaled, gathering her thoughts. "It feels like he built our friendship just on his feelings."
"Did you want him to reciprocate?"
"No."
"I don't think he was using you," Scorpius said, confidently.
"So I'm just overreacting?"
"Not at all. He was selfish, but I think he did care about you. I mean, I know he cared about you. He was disgustingly attentive to the way you talk about charms. I don't know why else he would willingly subject himself to that." Rose sighed and laid down.
"I just don't know why I'm so hurt about it." He paused, and looked out over the lake again. Rose closed her eyes, and put her hands over her them. She was feeling more exhausted than before, but it felt good to talk about how hurt she was with someone. Even if it had to be Scorpius.
"Do you want an actual answer as to why you are, or do you want to figure it out for yourself?"
"I suppose since I have no ideas, your's will have to do."
"Well, he lied to you. He wanted something more, but I don't know if he expected himself to just think of you as a friend. That's one. Secondly, have you considered that you maybe wanted something too?"
"Like, what? Like I actually wanted to be with him?"
"No, not exactly. I just think maybe you were tired of not being, for lack of a better word, wanted?" She stared at him, and he sighed. "Relationships may not be the be-all end-all, and I know you haven't particularly cared about them. Maybe you were tired of that? Maybe you wanted to be wanted for more than," he looked her up and down, "this. And when Lysander said he had fancied you, but then took it back it maybe you thought that you weren't-"
"Loved," she finished for him.
"Which is ridiculous, by the way. Your family is disgustingly close with one another. How could you possibly not feel loved? Honestly, you have two friends outside of your family, and one you're not even speaking to. And you call me socially inept."
"Because you are. What do you mean, two?"
"What do you mean 'what do you mean, two?'? We're friends, aren't we?" She had never thought about it, but he was right. They spent so much time together. No one could possibly know her better than Scorpius Malfoy.
"I mean, I suppose. We've just never really articulated that aloud."
"It's still pathetic, by the way. Your other closest friendship is built off of our bickering and your inability to admit I do most of the work in potions."
"It is ridiculous, isn't it? I guess I'll stop talking to you completely from now on."
"You couldn't if you tried, Weasley." He flashed her a smirk that bordered on a grin. They were quiet for a minute. Rose was considering what he had said. Rose had just said she had never been in love. She still didn't particularly want to be. She didn't want the flowers and "I love you's". What she wanted was a strong connection with someone, but nothing romantic. She did not need the show. It all seemed very absurd.
"What if I don't want to be loved?"
"What does that mean?"
"What if I don't like the idea of being in love? What if I don't want all that romance garbage? Like, what if I find it pointless to do all of those ridiculous romantic gestures? What if I don't want the love poems and ridiculous crap?"
"Do you think I have all of the answers or something?"
"You must, as you're the biggest know-it-all I've ever met." He snorted, and leaned back.
"Do you really think being in love is just limited to dozens of roses and sappy shit on Valentine's day?"
"I'm assuming you know. You did act pretty amazed that I'd never been in love before. So, what is it, then? Real love?"
"I don't know. It just doesn't have to be all that, though."
"Haven't you been in love?"
"Why does that matter?"
"What about Dominique?" He laughed.
"I love her, but not in that way. We never dated."
"Really? You two were always talking."
"The same way you and Lysander were always talking?"
"Touché. But I caught you two snogging."
"You of all people should know snogging doesn't always mean something. Dominique is great, and I miss her. But we would not have been a good match for each other anyway." Rose was silent. This was the most candid and honest conversation her and Scorpius had ever had. Rose confided more in him about her life in those few minutes than she had with Lysander ever. She had spent so much time ignoring her problems. It felt so nice to just say everything.
"Scorpius?"
"Hm?"
"Can I ask you something about yourself?"
"Tired of talking?"
"No, just curious."
"I suppose."
"Why did your boggart become your father? Were you… Are you afraid that your father wouldn't love you if you weren't the best?" He tensed. He put his head down, and inhaled sharply. He let out a sigh.
"You're always trying to get in my head somehow, aren't you?" She didn't know what he meant, but he continued talking. "My father wouldn't stop loving me, I guess. He always wanted me to do my best. My mother does too. Sometimes, it felt like maybe he wanted me to do good and be great so that people would forget."
"Forget what?"
"What do you think? I'm the death eater's son. No one will forget what my family's name means. I'm from two different lines of pureblooded Slytherins who hate muggleborns. I have to do well. I have to do something to overshadow what my family's name means." She sat up to look at him. He didn't meet her eye now. Rose was about to make an attempt to say something, but he seemed to read her thoughts.
"I know you think you understand, but you don't. You have to live up to heroes. Everyone's expecting you to do good, but at least they expect the best from you. Anything you'll do is good. Everyone expects me to do bad. They think I'll be the next follower of the next dark lord. My second year, I taught myself how to use the stinging hex on anyone who tried to attack me. What did you worry about your second year? If I was getting a higher mark than you in potions?" She fell silent. She opened her mouth to speak, and closed it again, unsure of what to say. He scowled and looked away.
"So you're afraid of being rejected by your family… because you can't fix them," she said, finally. He nodded. She noticed the way he sat, looking uncomfortable. She moved in front of him, reached out, and held his hands. His hands felt exactly the way they had years ago. He looked down at them, and laughed. He pulled them away, slowly.
"You always go for the hands."
"Well what else should I do?"
"I don't know. You always want to console people by touching their hands. I've seen you do it to others before." Rose was stunned by his awareness of such a small detail about her. She swallowed and looked at his and her hands. Her thumbs running over the smooth backs of his.
"I don't know what else to do, I guess." She paused for a second. Neither looked at the other. He didn't seem upset anymore, and she didn't want to talk. Both were noticeably tired, and Rose was starting to feel it again. "I'm sorry. I think we should go back to the castle. It's late." He let out a final breath.
"Okay," he agreed. The two of them stood up, and started walking back. He kept pace with her, all the way up. "You won't…"
"Tell anyone? Of course not. I invested mine secrets in you, so you're held to the same standard."
"Seeing as we just had a conversation about how we don't talk to anyone, I legitimately want to know who you think I would tell." The two said goodbye and went their ways. Rose finally did sleep peacefully that night, but as she did, all she thought about were his hands.