Disclaimer : One Piece belongs to Oda Eiichirō. Sanity is as sanity does.
Rating : K

╰(▔∀▔)╯

Burning Love Rescue

٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

The horrified look on the cook's face had Zoro turning around, sword at the ready, expecting the worst. Travelling the Grand Line, you learned to be ready for anything at all times. It could mean the difference between life and death. Between victory and-

'Uh-uh….'

-turning into a blubbering mess. Sanji staggered forward, eyes blank while Zoro's disappeared in the shadow of his forehead.

'Uhg-ug…'

'Ugly,' Zoro finished off both the sentence and Sanji, who hit the floor face first. His lighter went out. Yet the hold didn't become dark. Gloomy blue flames gathered above the cook. This was worse than the time he had met his first mermaid. Unable to handle what he was seeing, he'd gone off in his own little fantasy world, blathering about white skin and flowing hair. Until he opened his eyes again to the sight of Granny Kokoro and started crying.

Standing on an easel was a painting by someone who either had a thing for hideousness or held some kind of grudge against the subject, a Kokoro-level mermaid sitting on a cliff. At least Zoro presumed that's what she was since there was a fishtail, but mermaids had human upper bodies. This one had scaly skin like a fish, seashells for ears and serrated shark teeth. Even Zoro had trouble digesting that one. But though the subject was unsightly, the painting itself was very good.

It was part of a gallery, all portraits of women. Zoro couldn't see much with what little light there was, but one depicted a pirate standing on a cliff looking out over a torrid sea. She had a wooden leg. Hadn't Gaston said something about a woman with a wooden leg?

Sixteenth time lucky…

'These must be the women who rejected Bonney,' Zoro realized. He sized up the hold. 'I wonder how many of yours we could fit in here.'

This was the part where the idiot blazed back to life and gave him hell. Nothing happened. Zoro cringed when he saw the whimpering soul emerging from the cook's mouth.

'Oi, pervert twirl.' Ooh, that was a new one. 'Get a hold of yourself!'

Sanji's prone form twitched. Zoro sighed loudly. Fire needed fuel.

'Bonney is about to marry his bride. Going to plant a big slobbery kiss on her at the altar.'

The blue flames dissipated. The cook slowly got to his feet, swaying like a puppet being pulled up by its strings.

'Like I'll let that happen!'

He turned away from the paintings. A flame snapped to life. Sanji's fingers were trembling on the lighter switch. Looked like his recovery wasn't complete yet.

'That bastard'll pay.'

'For the paintings?' Zoro prompted.

'For everything!' Sanji yelled, voice cracking. Forget the sight of them, even mentioning them was enough to rattle his nerves. New fodder!

'Who says he painted them?'

'Who else would be sick enough?'

Zoro shrugged. 'Guess a fellow pervert would know.'

'What did you say, stupid moss-brain!'

'Keep it down, dork cook! Right now they don't know where we are, let's keep it that way.'

'It is a little late for that, no?'

They both looked to the side. A raccoon came towards them. He must have followed them down. Like Gaston, he was holding a lantern. His fur was a lot darker and his snout stubbier. He had a scar above his eyes and wore a striped scarf. A ladle and a large three-pronged fork hung from his belt.

'The whole ship can hear you two loudmouths.'

'Who are you?' Zoro asked.

'I am Cologne, the cook.' He spoke with a surprisingly deep, gravelly voice. Zoro couldn't quite place the accent. Cologne gave the center painting the evil eye.

'The Captain's magnum opus. Quite the artiste, isn't he?'

'Is that…' Sanji swallowed hard.

'Yes,' Cologne growled wretchedly, crinkling his nose at the painting. 'The siren who cursed us.'

Zoro raised an eyebrow. 'One of the great beauties of the Grand Line?'

'That was an illusion she cast over herself. That's why the captain left her. He saw her for what she really was.'

'Ahh,' Zoro nodded. 'He didn't mean her personality.'

'Oh that too. She's quite the monster.' Cologne peered curiously at Sanji who accidentally looked at the painting again and froze in horror. 'You look just like the captain did when he first saw her true form. We couldn't get a sensible word out of him for hours.'

'Shame he doesn't stay that way.'

'Say that again, you bastard!" Sanji glared at Zoro, or at least he tried to but it wasn't so convincing with hot tears streaming down his face.

'We were all taken in by her.' Cologne made a guttural sound and spit on the deck. There was a hard glint in his eyes. 'Sixteen years like this! We've suffered enough. Most of us don't even remember what it's like to be human. This curse, it'll be broken, tonight!'

'Maybe instead of kidnapping people you should've gone after her. Get the siren to break it.'

'Didn't you listen to the captain? We couldn't even approach her! Once you hear a siren's voice, you fall under her spell! They can make you do whatever they want.'

'Then plug your ears.'

'Listen, you-'

'No you listen!' Sanji snapped. 'Kidnapping a lady and forcing her to marry against her will? I've seen it before. It didn't end well for the guy. I don't care what kind of flashy power your captain has. I will bring him down.'

Cologne bared his teeth in a feral growl. If it was possible for a raccoon to look badass, he nailed it.

'The captain did no such thing!'

'Back on the island, he hypnotized dumbass marimo here and took her!'

The only thing stopping Zoro from attacking was the fact that they were in the belly of the ship, no more decks. If they broke through this floor, the ship would sink.

'Of course he did! You were hurting her. You kicked her in the head, Blondie!'

'I would never hurt a lady. And who are you calling Blondie, fuzzbucket!'

'She kicked herself in the head,' Zoro corrected. Cologne gave that phrase the weirded out look it deserved. 'She was body-switched with Blondie.'

'Who are you calling Blondie, green tea head!' Sanji shouted.

Zoro parried a kick.

'Even if that's true, she came here of her own free will,' Cologne said.

'Give me a break,' Sanji huffed. 'As if anyone would willingly come to a soggy decrepit ghost ship crawling with raccoons.'

'How dare you insult the Lady Glaive!' He was outnumbered - as well as a raccoon - but still Cologne braced himself as if ready to fight. 'I won't let you interfere.'

'What are you going to do, you—'

Cologne jumped up and dug into Sanji's legs, ripping through the fabric of his pants.

'Why you little…' Sanji winced when he pulled Cologne clear. The raccoon's claws left bloody gashes. He flailed in the air, clawing at Sanji's arm. Sanji knocked him out with a clean kick.

'What are you looking at?' he asked defensively when he caught Zoro frowning at the raccoon. 'What else was I supposed to do?'

'No, it's just…It's like kicking Chopper.'

Judging from the sour look on his face, Sanji had been thinking the same thing. Raccoons were rather cute - when they weren't snarling and clawing.

Sanji picked up the lantern. He lit up a cigarette. 'Let's go save-'

He interrupted himself. He avoided looking at the other paintings, but the nearest one on the right caught his eye.

'He made a painting of her already?! Just how fast is he!'

There she was, Elaine. Bonney had taken some artistic liberties with her hair and shoes, but other than that the painting was spot on. Except…Zoro and Sanji approached it warily, as if any moment it would come alive and attack them.

Someone had hung a necklace on the frame with some happy wedding charms. The raccoon crew, hoping for the best?

'That's…' Zoro started. Sanji swallowed hard.

'That's…'

It was Elaine, no doubt. But the look in her eyes, the mocking sneer on her face and her pose…

A few very uncomfortable seconds passed.

'S-so let's go find her,' Sanji finally stuttered. He picked up Cologne's lantern.

'If we come across Bonney, be careful. Don't look him in the eye.'

Sanji dismissed Zoro's concerns. 'I'll kick them shut before he has a chance to do anything.'

The aft of the Lady Glaive sloped upwards. Beyond the weathered hull was the rudder of the ship, so the tiller had to be on the deck above them. They took a ladder leading up to the orlop, where the cables were stowed below the waterline.

'This ship shouldn't be able to sail anymore,' Zoro observed. 'You saw the holes in the hull, and look at the state this tiller is in.'

'It's the curse. It has to be keeping the ships in one piece somehow.' Sanji tapped the tiller with his foot. A big crack zigzagged through the wood from the bottom to the top.

They looked at it for a moment, then turned round. No curse was a match for the Straw Hats.

They walked past the mizzenmast and the mainmast to a flight of stairs leading to the gun deck. It was abandoned just like the hold and the orlop. Everyone was probably gathered on the main deck for the wedding. But Zoro didn't say that out loud, lest Sanji kick his way there.

They passed under the hole they had made falling down. The storm had abated and a star-spangled sky was visible.

'Maybe they'll have a romantic moonlight wedding on the deck,' Zoro mused. Sanji blew smoke out of his nostrils like an angry bull.

'As if!' He stormed towards the stairs, the gun deck creaking under his running footsteps.

Zoro felt like slapping himself. What the hell was wrong with him? He had just decided not to provoke the cook. Was he subconsciously pushing towards a fight with Bonney? Or was it he just couldn't resist riling Sanji, a little voice whispered.

Truth be told Zoro wanted to face Bonney again, a fight that would push him past his limits, force himself to break free of Bonney's control. But was it necessary to fight?

'What if he was telling the truth?' Zoro asked as they went up the stairs.

'Who?'

'That raccoon. What if she really did come here of her own free will?'

'Why would she do that?' Sanji asked as if the thought was inconceivable.

'Well, she's got people after her, and Bonney is strong. Maybe she thought he could protect her.'

'I can protect her just fine!' Sanji balked. Really was Zoro expecting him to say anything different?

They came upon the main deck. It was empty. They must have moved into the quarter deck for the wedding.

'Wonder if Gaston is going to give her away?'

The words were out of Zoro's mouth before he could stop himself. Sanji raced across the deck with a roar. He kicked open the rotted door Bonney had passed through earlier. It broke apart.

The entire crew had assembled. Both the council room and the state room beyond it were packed. Standing on the captain's desk was Gaston. Elaine and Bonney stood next to each other before him. She was wearing Bonney's maroon coat and from the looks of it, a pair of his black boots too. Her hair was tied in a pony-tail. Bonney had changed into a black coat with gold buttons for the wedding.

'I've kept you waiting, sweet princess!' Sanji announced loudly. Everyone turned around. 'I-already-told-you…' He jumped, hopping from one raccoon head to the other towards the bride and groom. He leapt forward and aimed a kick at Bonney's shoulder. 'She's not your true love!'

Bonney threw up an arm to block Sanji's attack. Sanji hadn't put any force behind the kick, he wouldn't do that with Bonney standing so close to Elaine for risk of her getting hurt. All he wanted was to create some distance, so he could drop to his feet between them.

'Gaston told me of your little tumble down the decks,' Bonney said amiably, dusting off his sleeve. 'I was beginning to think you got lost.'

'Don't lump me together with marimo-head over there.'

Zoro grit his teeth. 'Why you-' He stepped forward, bumping into something. He looked down to see angry raccoons glare up at him.

'Captain Bonney's finally getting married,' one yelled.

'Don't interfere, pirate scum!' Another one kicked him in the shin.

'Pirate scum!' several raccoons echoed.

'You're all pirate scum yourselves!' Zoro snapped, irritated to be body-blocked by a bunch of furballs. Sanji meanwhile was fussing over Elaine.

'Ah, my beautiful lady!' He took her hand in his. 'I'm so glad we could meet each other again!'

Sanji had no doubt expected a frightened, tearful expression, which would turn to relief upon seeing they had come to rescue her. Instead, Elaine glared at him.

'I'm sorry for getting you hurt,' Sanji apologized, assuming the reason for the glaring was the black eye. 'There's no excuse. But I'll make it up to you. Your knight will get you out of here!'

He moved to press a kiss on her hand. All the while Bonney had made no attempt to stop him. He seemed, if anything, amused by it all. Zoro wondered if he was really so affable, or whether they should worry about what would happen if he stopped being amused.

'You're right, there isn't!' she snapped, yanking her hand away when Sanji looked up at her. 'Why did you come here?'

Sanji looked thrown. 'To rescue you, of course. Is something wrong?'

'Is something wrong?' she repeated. 'Did you ever stop to think this is what I want?'

'You want this?' Sanji looked around, cringing. 'Marrying a man you don't know on a dank ship surrounded by talking fleabags.'

'How dare you!' Gaston fumed. 'This ship may be in bad shape, but we're flea-free!'

Elaine stomped her foot on the deck. The raccoons and Bonney gave a collective gasp of fear and eyed the floor warily. She grabbed Sanji's lapel.

'This my wedding,' she said with the kind of pleasant smile Nami beamed at money wasters. 'The décor leaves something to be desired, but a dashing pirate captain asking me to marry him because I'm the love of his life is the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me. So I would appreciate it if you would stand back and be quiet.'

Sanji's rescue wasn't quite turning out the way he had expected. Maybe it would've been better had Elaine been unconscious like Nami, so she couldn't shatter his delusions. This was a good thing though. She didn't need rescuing. Bonney could marry her, and Sanji and Zoro could be on their way, back to finding the crew. Better be rid of this woman and her bizarre idea of romance.

٩(◕‿◕｡)۶