Chapter nine - Revelations

(Imogen Heap – Hide and Seek)

(The remembering Jenny song from Buffy works here to, as does the sacrifice song from 'The Gift'.)

It's all about their words. Hope you like...

They all stood for a few moments longer lingering on their own private goodbyes. The wind picked up quickly though as did the rain which began to fall more heavily down upon them. Drowning them in its tears. They were all cold and wet and they were all weighed down with the heavy burden of their grief and sorrow - they were all ready to leave this place. So Willow stepped forward and said the words that caused the earth to move and cover the rest of the grave as if it had always been there. Then they all turned and slowly and silently made their way back to their vehicles.

Angel felt a tug of pain in his unbeating heart at having to leave her there alone in the dark and cold night and therefore was the last to step away from her grave.

They piled back into their cars, including Spike to everyone's surprise, who got into Xander and Anya's vehicle without seeking permission. Xander looked for a second like he wanted to say something in protest but seemed to weary to want to bother and instead with a sigh he too got into the car.

They all made their way through the streets of Sunnydale, a three car procession - over to Angel's mansion on Crawford Street on the other side of town. Where they had agreed they would have a small memorial for Buffy. There was more room there than at her home, so for practical reasons they had all thought it was best. Nobody in any of the cars spoke any on the journey over there.

When they arrived they all made their way inside following behind Wesley. He indicated to the main living room; there was a large table and some scattered chairs where everybody all took seats. The room was dark and Wesley set about lighting some candles around the place. When he was done it was still quite dark but it seemed fitting for a group such as themselves. The mansion taking on an almost fairytale quality.

Then Wesley and Giles and Cordelia disappeared into Angel's kitchen where they returned a few minutes later with trays of refreshments. After handing out drinks, with everyone else seated, Giles remained standing and cleared his throat to gain everyone's attention.

'I wish we could do more to celebrate Buffy's life. I feel like how can this possibly be enough for a woman like her. The whole world should be grieving. But were the only ones who truelly knew who she was and what she did. I think it would be fitting therefore if we all took our turn and we went around and said a few words about her. If everyone agrees?' He asked, looking at everyone around the table in turn, who all nodded in agreement.

'I'll go first then,' he said taking a deep breath to pull himself together, he looked briefly around the room again and considered the strange assortment of people all gathered together. And then he began.

'I never got the opportunity to be a Father and I accepted that early on as I knew my place and duty in this world was as a watcher, guardian of the slayer. But all that changed the day I met Buffy. I didn't know it at the time but at 16 years of age she came walking into my life, into my library, with all her attitude.' He laughed. 'And my life was changed forever.'

He sighed, his voice shaking slightly he continued. 'She may have been my charge, but she was so much more than that. She taught me more about myself and life than I would have ever thought possible. We've lived through some dark times, the master, Adam, Angelus.' He looked almost apologetically at Angel.

'And it only made her stronger. But then finally came Glory and though we beat her back Buffy paid the ultimate price. Buffy was the bravest person I knew. She'd faced death before and we brought her back. But this time was different. Buffy would never have had it any other way, she knew what she had to do and she didn't hesitate, not for a second. Not only was she one of the strongest living slayers in history she was resourceful, brilliant, fearless, and deeply loving of her friends and Family.'

'She was also this bright shining ball of energy who brought great joy and hope to my life as well as anyone's she touched,' he paused before continuing.

'I feel lucky and privileged to have known her and shared what time we did together. I don't think any other watcher could be more proud of his slayer. To Buffy,' he called, as he raised his glass and everyone else followed. 'My slayer, my daughter – I cannot begin to say how much I will miss you. How much the world will miss you. I'm sorry that I failed you. I...' Giles choked. 'I'm sorry.'

'Oh Giles...don't..' Willow stood and hugged him. 'It not your fault.' She looked around the room at the others. 'Nobody thinks that,' she offered in comfort. Giles accepted her embrace, taking a deep breath to compose himself. He then patted her on the shoulder in reassurance before taking a seat; it was her turn to speak.

She began...

'The first day Buffy walked into my life that was the change of everything for me. Over the course of those two years at school she made me realise what my purpose in life was – to fight evil, and help people with my best friend. It's a good fight, and I wanted in – Buffy gave me that and so much more.'

'Buffy accepted me for who I was before I'd even accepted myself. She believed in me, put her faith in me. She taught me how to go for things I wanted.' She reached down and took Tara's hand in her own.

'She taught me to fight and stand up for myself. I am a better person because she lived. Buffy once said to me Carpe diem – live for the day- Buffy always did that because she knew as a slayer her time would probably be short. So these are words we should all remember as we live our lives. I love you Buffy, your my best friend. I miss you every day. The memory of you will live on forever and we'll continue the fight with you in our hearts.'

Willow finished and took her seat again next to Tara, who comforted her briefly before standing up to go next. Her shyness almost made it impossible to speak in front of groups of people. But she knew she could do this for Buffy. So she began.

'Buffy was kind and loyal and selfless. She sacrificed her happiness on a daily basis to keep us all safe. But above all else Buffy was strong, she was a fighter. This year was tough for all of us, but Buffy fought and never gave up and never wavered.'

' I just hope that we can be as strong as her as brave as her. I didn't know Buffy as well or as long as some of you but she welcomed me into the group and helped to make me feel like I belonged. I will miss you Buffy.' She finished a little flustered. She felt self conscious at the shortness of her speech compared with Willows and Giles. But hadn't wanted to try and pretend she knew Buffy as well as the others. She sighed and returned to her seat next to Willow.

Everyone looked around to see who was going to go next and much to everyone's shock Spike stepped forward. He had kept himself silent and apart from everyone throughout the funeral and after. Hoping to not antagonise the situation, afraid that they would have forced him to leave her before he had gotten to say goodbye. But now he was done being silent, he wanted them to hear this, wanted them to know and to maybe understand, even Angel that he really had cared for Buffy. More than cared...

'Well...Erm... Right...' He stumbled over his words hesitating, thinking about what he wanted to say. 'A lot of you,' he continued. 'Maybe thinking that I have no right to even be here today never mind standing up here to talk about Buffy.'

He acknowledged everyone in the room with a look, most returned him with a hard questioning stare, Angel and Xander in particular looked wary. Dawn however had a look of understanding on her face which urged him to continue.

'Hell you'd probably be right,' he said gaining in confidence. 'Buffy, my mortal enemy, a girl I tried to kill on more than one occasion and probably would have enjoyed it at the time.' He noted the angry expressions at those words from Xander and Giles and Angel who looked about ready to kill him, but he carried on regardless.

' But you know what she kicked my ass right back every time to and then somewhere along the way we ended up as allies and then maybe even friends. So sod it, I'm here and I'm saying my peace like the rest of you.'

'I've lived a long time, seen and done a lot of evil, even killed two slayers myself. If someone had told me back then that I'd be hear among you lot mourning the loss of another I probably would have laughed. But that was Buffy for you, she had this effect on people, this spirit that makes you stronger or braver than you thought possible.'

' For me she just made me want to fight for her. I believed in her. Maybe I don't belong here but Buffy was willing to give me a chance and I don't plan on letting her down.'

'I fought alongside Buffy a lot the past few months; she asked me to protect the little bit for her. So I tried... But I failed, I'm sorry Buffy you deserved a lot more than I was able to give you.'

'You placed your trust in me an accepted me when you probably should have just dusted me. I've watched you and your little band of misfits fight hard and strong for the past few years. I've seen you knocked down; heck I was the cause of it quite a lot. But all that did was make you fight harder and stronger than before. You always put everyone before your own happiness. The world owes you a lot slayer.'

'Hopefully you can finally rest now. I've lived a long time and I've never met anyone like Buffy before. To the greatest woman I've ever known – To Buffy.' He finished, his gaze dark and mournful he looked about the room noting everyone's reaction before taking his seat again.

The shock that reverberated around the room was obvious; all accept Willow and Dawn who looked at him with understanding, knowing as they did how much Spike seemed to really care. Angel looked wary and yet confused. Only Xander's face remained unchanged from his earlier display of mistrust and anger. A few moments passed as everyone was seemingly caught up in their own thoughts before Anya rose – deciding she might as well go next.

'Buffy – I didn't know you as well as most of the people here did. I wish I'd taken more time to get to know you. From what I did see, from the way you always protected my Xander and everyone else around you, you were a very selfless, brave person.'

' I've lived thousands of years and in the face of so much pain and suffering I've seen humans do terrible things. I've seen them give up and I've seen them take the easy way out. That was never you Buffy when it came to a choice between what was easy and what was right you always did the right thing. You sacrificed yourself so that we could live.' She said a tear falling down her face.

'I don't understand being that strong. Without you here Buffy it's hard, Xander doesn't really smile anymore. Bye Buffy.' She finished with her voice breaking. She collapsed back down into her seat and into the waiting arms of Xander who let tears of his own fall.

Cordelia stood next deciding to take her turn. It felt strange for her in that moment. Her and Buffy had never gotten on and had never been close, but beneath it all she had respected her. To her Buffy's death was sad and unfair because Buffy has always fought to hard for everyone else, she realised that now, something she had been unable to fully grasp in her early days in Sunnydale. And she loved Angel- and seeing him in so much pain broke her heart. So she began...

'Me and Buffy I'm not going to pretend that we were always friends. In fact I think we clashed quite a bit.' She laughed lightly, turning to both Xander and Willow for a moment lost in the memory of days gone by.

'I never told her this but I was always a little jealous of her, of her strength of character. One thing I always did feel for her though was respect. In a lot of ways we were kindred spirits, both opinionated, confident, knew what we wanted. I wish I could have seen that at the time. Our lives have changed so much since high school and I've changed. I wish I'd gotten the opportunity to know her know for the amazing woman I know that she was. I'm sorry your life was cut so short. You truelly deserved the happy ending Buffy.'

I'm so sorry you didn't get that. Rest in peace.' She finished, returning to her seat in between Wesley and Angel. Angel gave her a grateful smile and she squeezed his hand before turning to Wesley and encouraging him with a nod to go next. He stood and cleared his throat before speaking.

'Buffy was my slayer for only a short amount of time and I regret to say now that I made a bit of a mess of it. At the time I didn't know what it really meant to be part of her world, fighting everyday to just survive. At the time, being the pompous idiot I was.' He said letting out a small laugh. 'I wasn't able to really see her for who she was. To appreciate the enormous weight that had been placed on her shoulders at such a young age. I was too blind to understand what truelly remarkable woman she was. It's only now through my time with Angel and witnessing the effect she had on him, that I've come to see her for who she was.'

' Just seeing you all here today is testament to that. A slayer doesnt usually have friends and family. She lives and she fights and she dies alone. Buffy was different though. The world will be a lesser place without her in it. The life of a slayer is unfortunately a short one – but we continue to live in her legacy as we carry on the fight. To Buffy and the legacy she left to follow.'

He finished, with nods of approval from both Xander and Giles who had noted with shock the great change in the former watcher.

As Wesley took his seat, Dawn stood quickly wanting to go next before she lost her nerve. She looked around at the sea of faces and took comfort in the fact that they were all here and they all cared about her sister.

'Erm, I'll go next.' She stated, before stealing herself for what she was about to say, she didn't want to ruin it by crying so she took several deep breaths and then before she began to speak.

'I'm so glad that your all here today for Buffy. I can see how much you all loved and cared for her and Buffy deserved nothing less. If anything I feel sad that the rest of the world cannot know what an amazing woman she was and what she's done for all of them.' She paused and took a breath.

'So this is to Buffy- hopefully she knew how much I cared. It's hard Buffy, but I'm trying. I'm trying for you. I'm fighting everyday but I miss you so much.' She paused again trying so hard not to cry, she looked at Willow who answered her silent prayer for support and came and stood by her.

'Thanks Will.' She continued 'Buffy you are my big sister and I love you. I just wish I'd taken more time to appreciate you when you were around. Because getting by now without you is hard.' She sniffed.

' It's weird because I keep thinking back to memories of our childhood and I know it's not real. But I find comfort in them anyway, in anything that will keep me remembering. Memories of you smiling, of you laughing, just the good memories of what it felt like to have a big sister who looked out for me, who loved me and who saved the world.'

'You died so that I could live and I will be forever grateful. But I miss you every day, so does Will and Xander and everyone. But I'm learning to be brave Buffy. I want you to be proud of me. Say hi to Mum for me. I miss you both so much. Bye Buffy.' She finished in a whisper, before turning to Willow who enveloped her in a hug.

Xander stood next, looking briefly at Dawn, proud of what she had just said. Proud of how much she had grown- how strong she had become. Then he looked to everyone else in the room for his turn.

'Everyone keeps talking about Buffy the warrior and she was. But to me she was also my best friend, she was beautiful and funny and kind. She made me smile on a daily basis and picked me up when things weren't great. She made jokes and fooled around, she made my life better. And words cannot convey how much I'm going to miss her how unfair this is, how much I want to scream and shout right now.' He paused to pull himself together for a moment, his voice breaking, before continuing on.

'You were so many amazing things to many people. I'm so proud of you Buffy, for what you were, for what you did. The first day I met you I loved you. There was just something about you. You made me laugh, you made me smile, me you and Willow just hanging out in the library were some of the best times of my life.'

' We went through so much together and you saved my butt on more than one occasion. You always saved the day I guess I just always figured you'd be around forever. You were Buffy, so strong, so bright, you had the biggest brightest smile. But it was often the times that you weren't smiling that I got to know you the most. Got to truelly understand and bear witness to your remarkable strength. Your ability to take the bad, sometimes the really, really bad. Get knocked down and claw your way back kicking and screaming.'

' You are my best friend. I'm not really sure how to live now without you in my life. To the best person I know Buffy summers.' He finished, like Giles raising his glass as everyone else followed.

Before they all turned and looked at Angel with anticipation on their faces. He was the last one to speak and they all wondered what he would possibly say. He'd never been a talkative person, not one to show his true emotions to anyone. And they felt maybe now they would get an insight into the man he was and understand for the first time just what Buffy had meant to him.

Angel looked at the sea of familiar faces in front of him and wondered where to begin. How he could possibly hope to be able to convey the depths of his feelings, or the importance of Buffy to all of them. He stood up slowly keeping his head held high facing all the curious gazes head on and began to speak.

'Talking about Buffy to everyone is a hard thing for me to do. Buffy gave meaning to my life when there had previously been none.' He paused, bowing his head slightly as he got lost in his own thoughts.

' She was fiery and passionate, beautiful and clever and I loved her from the moment I set eyes on her.' He continued at a whisper, speaking to himself rather than the rest of the room. ' I knew then that I wanted to help her, protect her. And from our first meeting to me leaving Sunnydale being around her felt like an unearned blessing.'

'Anyone who met Buffy could see she was so full of life. She faced so much suffering and yet she always put everyone else first and got on with it. She never gave up and kept fighting when others would have broken.'

'She never gave up on me even when I'd given up on myself. I never felt worthy of the belief she had in me. For that and so much more I will love her for the rest of my existence. I wasn't sure that I was ready to share what we had with everyone else today.'

' Though all of you know mine and Buffy's story, the vampire in love with the slayer. No one but me and her really knew what we had, what we felt for each other and what it was like having to walk away from that. So like some of you I'm going to talk to Buffy and I'm going to tell her how I felt. I hope she knew how much I loved...love her, but maybe I wasn't always the most vocal about my feelings.'

He paused again looking around the room where all the occupants were deadly still waiting for him to continue. Some like Willow and Dawn had eyes filled with tears, Xander couldn't look at him and had his head bowed - taking in all Angel had said and truelly seeing for the first time what he had missed all those years ago.

Angel continued.

' Buffy - I saw your heart and I loved you. I will always love you. You were the strongest person I've ever known, not just as the slayer, but as a young woman having to deal with the great responsibilities that were thrust upon you.'

'I remember the first time I saw you being called outside your school, it was a bright day out and you were so beautiful. I watched you kill your first vampire, and I knew things were going to be hard for you. I felt this need to protect you, to just be with you. And those feeling only increased tenfold when I met you for the first time in Sunnydale when you kicked me in the back of the head in that alleyway.'

' I told you that I wasn't your friend as deep down inside I could only hope that I could be more to you. I never imagined though that someone like you; so beautiful, so bright, so brilliant could really love someone like me.'

'We went through so much together and I will always be grateful for the time we did have. In my 240 odd years I've never felt more alive than when I was with you. You gave me a purpose, a mission. You believed in me, when I couldn't believe in myself and when other people told you not to. You knew what I was, what I had done and what I did to you, the monster inside, but you loved me in spite of it. The life of a slayer has never been a long one, but I never truelly believed that the world would lose you so soon. I had so much hope for you finding the things you deserved; love, and a normal life.'

'I never let you go Buffy but the decision was taken away from me. You're my girl. Always.' Angel whispered the final word like he was saying it to her and her alone, his voice breaking at the end.

Then he looked up and around the room and it was a moment he would remember forever. Truelly stunned and awed at what he saw. Willow was crying as was Dawn but they were smiling up at him to. The respect and acceptance in Xander's eyes would have been enough for him. Even Spike was looking at him differently. Giles was looking upon him kindly also, he moved from his place at the other side of the table and came to stand next to Angel.

'Angel that was ...Buffy would have been truelly moved by that speech, it was beautiful.'

'Thank you Giles,' he responded, truelly hoping that Buffy was looking down on them at that moment and would know how much he loved her. How much they all loved her and how much she had meant to the world.

I'm really happy with this chapter compared to the last one it was one of my favourites to write. I think you can tell from it that Buffy is my favourite character. I found some people's speeches harder to write like Tara's and Anya's but the others came to me really easily I just tried to base it on their relationships with Buffy in the show. Hope you liked anyway. I've had this chapter written for sooooo long since 2010. Just added a few minor tweaks. Can't believe I'm finally posting it! There will be a lot of action (including my first ever fight scene in the next chapter) so stay tuned.

Hope you liked and reviews definitely appreciated. J x