Thanks to my beta - Michy Drarry Shipper
I own nothing
Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I hope you all like this chapter.
Lily didn't know what to do. From the moment that Padfoot a.k.a Sirius Black disappeared from Remus' life, Remus had become quiet and withdrawn, barely speaking a word to her. She had left a book he had asked to borrow on his coffee table, and realised a few days later that he hadn't even noticed the book was there, let alone read it. The old Remus would have spotted the book straight away, and read it over the next couple of days, foregoing television and early nights, just because he wouldn't be able to put it down.
The new Remus was clearly taking the loss of his pet very hard. In a moment of desperation, she sent a letter to Dorea Potter, stating that Remus was depressed, and she was worried for him over the full moon. She received a letter stating that Dorea would be there the morning after, to help heal Remus.
Her thoughts turned to Sirius Black, and all she felt was anger. Granted, it wasn't his fault that he had been hit by a car and thought he was a dog, and it wasn't his fault that Remus had shared everything with him. It was his fault that Remus was angry, surely it didn't take much for him to come and apologise. It just went to show that after everything Remus had done, Sirius still looked down on Werewolves, and on Remus.
She decided that if he hadn't shown up by the end of the week following the full moon, she'd go and find him herself, and give him a piece of her mind.
A couple of days before the full moon, an owl arrived for her.
She recognised the handwriting immediately. James Potter. It was hard not too, with all the love letters she had received from him, all the poems, the notes asking her out. All the same handwriting as the letter the owl had delivered.
Her eyes scanned the letter carefully. It was filled with remorse over what happened. Genuine remorse. There was an apology for how he went about explaining, about the fact that it never occurred to him to look for Sirius in Padfoot form, and not as a human. Had he done so, this could have all been avoided. He asked after Remus, how he was coping, and after herself, and she told him the truth.
She sent a letter in reply, stating how broken Remus was, how depressed he had become, and how he felt betrayed. How he was pushing her away, and wasn't himself anymore. How part of him believed that it had been a sick and cruel joke, and he couldn't hear her when she told him that she believed that even with Sirius' beliefs, neither of them could be capable of such cruelty.
James had replied, asking if they could meet up again, maybe talk about it in person, but Lily thought that was a bad idea, and told him so. As long as Remus thought that this was a cruel joke, she'd prefer them to stay away, because Remus was already pushing her away, and she wouldn't give him another reason to do so. James would be that reason. Maybe once Remus had forgiven them for what had happened, she'd send him an owl.
James Potter read the last owl, and got the impression that Lily wouldn't have been against the idea of them meeting for coffee again, but it was Remus' feelings that were preventing it. He hoped that Sirius worked this out soon. He would give it some time, and if Sirius failed, he would find Remus when Lily wasn't about, and talk to him, make him realise that it wasn't a joke. If Remus needed a friend, maybe James could be that friend.
...oOo...
The night of the full moon came quickly, and Lily headed to Remus' apartment, as she hadn't heard him come down. After a quick look in each room, she realised he wasn't there. Her eyes fell on the bear she had bought him, with Padfoot's dog collar around its neck. It was on its side on the middle of the bed, showing that Remus had looked at it at some point that day, and forgotten to put it back.
Finally, she understood.
Remus wasn't upset because he thought he had been tricked and made a fool of, he was upset because he had allowed Padfoot to know everything about him – even the things that he didn't tell Lily. She knew he held back, scared that she'd change her mind on their friendship, (which she wouldn't ever do, Remus was her friend, after all) but Padfoot knew all that and more.
Remus had needed someone to confide in so desperately, and she had tried to be that person, but Remus had chosen an animal instead, and that animal was now Sirius Black, and he knew every fear, every thought, every pain that Remus had to live with. He had seen Remus at his worst, during the transformations.
And now Remus felt alone.
All the confidence that Lily had worked hard to help him gain, to draw him out into the world, was shattered, leaving in its place this quiet, shy man she had first met a couple of years before, working in the same library when she walked in, looking to get out of the rain. She had decided to sit down with a good book at the same time. She had enquired as to what he was reading, leading to them talking away for over an hour, before he reached up to scratch his arm, revealing a scar.
Lily had known that was a cursed scar, and worked it out quickly. She hadn't cared that her new friend was a Werewolf, and made a habit of going in and chatting to him. He had been nervous at first, when she had told him she was a Witch, but she gained his trust somehow, and when she finally bought the property with her inheritance money, which she had held onto for far too long, she mentioned she needed someone to rent it, and told him an amount she knew he'd be able to afford.
She would have rather had a little bit less money and known that it was someone kind taking the place, than a complete stranger who could be dangerous.
She headed downstairs, and could see Remus waiting in the room with his feet on the bed, and his arms wrapped around his legs. His eyes looked dull, and she could tell that he had skipped more meals than appropriate. She frowned, but said nothing; he wouldn't hear her. She needed Dorea's help to get him back on track, she could wait until the next day.
She headed back upstairs to collect the blankets and healing kit, wanting it to be outside the door, ready for the morning, when she heard a knock on the front door. She put the items on the floor, and opened the door, to find Sirius Black standing there, looking as worn down as Remus had.
"I..." he began, looking very uncertain. "I'm here to..." he looked so uncertain.
The rage that she had felt, disappeared completely. She was wrong. He was here now, and she could tell by his face that something was different.
"Sirius, how's your head?" She asked, softly. She was surprised at herself. Back at Hogwarts they had had their fair share of arguments. He detested the way she apparently treated James, although all she did was turn him down, and she defended herself, and returned the cruel words his way. But as they both looked at each other, they realised that this was in the past. They weren't the same Lily and Sirius anymore. Plus, having someone as your pet for two months changed a lot of things.
And he was here now, but why? Didn't he realise that Remus was just about to transform, or did he think that it had happened already, and he was wanting to talk to Lily without Remus about?
"It's getting there," he replied, his voice soft. She believed it was due to the fact that he hadn't used it in a long time, and was still recovering. Sirius stepped in, as Lily stepped aside. "Not everything came back straight away, just bits and pieces, and this morning some more returned, and I believe I may have almost everything."
"And how are you finding it?"
"I don't know, this is so confusing. No matter what I try to think, I can't bring myself to hate him."
"Why would you want to? Remus saved your life," Lily said, her arms folded.
"And I never forget a debt, even if my beliefs..." he trailed off, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. He wasn't certain what to say. "Where is he?"
"Downstairs, it's time to transform, so you should come back in a couple of –"
She stopped as he strode towards the stairs. She quickly grabbed her supplies and followed him, hoping the encounter would do more good than bad for Remus. Hopefully Remus would get the closure he needed.
...oOo...
Remus sat on the bed, and tried not to breath. The room smelt like Padfoot... no, it smelt like Sirius Black, because Padfoot was Sirius. One and the same, not a dog, just an Animagus. He hoped that the transformation would be easier than his body was telling him it would be. It had been a long time since a transformation had made him feel pure agony, but he suspected this would be close to the top of his list.
He didn't notice Lily peeking in at him, before disappearing back upstairs. He also didn't hear the knock on the front door, the conversation that happened, or hear the footsteps that approached the room. In fact, he didn't notice until someone sat down on a wooden chair that hadn't been there before, and stared at him.
He slowly lifted his head from where it rested, and his eyes met silver, and he blinked in shock. The last person he had expected to see was Sirius Black.
"You shouldn't be here," he whispered. "It's a full moon tonight, I'm about to..." he looked away from Sirius, not wanting to see the other man's look of disgust, because that's how Sirius felt about Werewolves, wasn't it? That they were disgusting monsters? He couldn't bring himself to say what was about to happen to him, although they both knew the ending of the sentence.
"I know," came a slightly croaked voice, and Remus glanced back at him. It wasn't disgust on his face, but it was one of uncertainty. What did Sirius Black have to be uncertain about? He frowned in confusion at Sirius' voice, before he realised that Sirius hadn't used it in months, and possibly hadn't over the few weeks, and hadn't gotten it back properly yet.
"Please don't make this difficult, Black, just leave," Remus asked, softly.
"You... you can call me Sirius," Sirius offered, leaving a stunned silence. "If you want," he added. His voice was gentle, and he looked at Remus with hope in his eyes, something Lily could not understand from her position in the doorway. Was he there to make friends?
There was a long silence as their eyes met again. Amber to silver. Neither of them noticing Lily.
"Okay, it's time," she whispered after a minute, looking at Sirius, but he stayed there unmoving, his eyes staring into those nervous amber eyes, and trying to ignore the fact that he couldn't breathe properly, and had been unable to since he first walked into the room.
Lily took a moment to really look at Sirius Black. He wasn't arguing with Remus, he was being kind to him. Who knew that Sirius Black could be kind to a Werewolf? Had Sirius Black developed a soft spot for Remus?
Was he planning on staying for the full moon?
"I'm going to close and lock the door now. Sirius, are you staying in here with Remus for the whole night?"
Sirius nodded, his gaze not leaving Remus'. "I am," he whispered, and Lily slowly closed the door. As it clicked shut, she heard Remus finally realise what was happening, and call through the door, begging for her to open it again.
"Sorry, Remus, I've already started the wards. There isn't enough time to take them down, force Sirius out, and bring the wards back up," she told him. She knew deep down that Remus cared for Padfoot, and that meant he cared for Sirius Black. The same Sirius that turned up at her house a few minutes ago. It seemed that Sirius Black may care about Remus too. The Werewolf that would make an appearance soon, would be happy by the return of the Animagus, and she knew that it would forgive him, because Remus needed him.
Remus turned around to find Sirius lounged on the bed, instead of the chair, and he sighed in defeat. "Well, can you turn around and not look?" He requested shyly, and Sirius rolled over on the bed, facing the wall.
He listened as Remus slowly got undressed, hearing the clothes rustling, and listening as the small hatch in the door opened, and the clothes passed through, before it slid shut again. The last thing he heard from over there, was Lily casting a silencing spell.
They stayed like that for a minute, before Remus let out his first groan of pain, showing that the Werewolf transformation had happened. When the cries of pain slowed, Padfoot dropped from the bed to the floor, showing Remus that he was sorry, that he was submitting.
It took almost two hours of laying in the most uncomfortable position possible, for the Wolf to nudge the black dog in the side and demand to play. The Wolf was insistent on checking he would be submissive a few times, taking his neck between his teeth again, at random intervals. Sirius had been relieved when he realised that the Wolf finally forgave him.
...oOo...
He couldn't recall at what hour they had both fallen asleep, but Sirius had woken up as Remus started to turn back.
He changed back himself, and took out his wand, taking only a couple of minutes to remove the wards, and get the door open. He picked up the pile that Lily had left, and brought it in with him.
Remus was passed out on the floor, so Sirius gently put a blanket over him, keeping his eyes averted as he did so, before lifting the light – much too light – body onto the bed. He tucked the blanket around Remus' waist, to give him a slight bit of privacy, and Sirius carefully healed a scratch on Remus' stomach, and one on his arm. Both minor enough to be fixed with a wand, and not with a potion. There were a few bruises around his ribs, but Sirius wasn't too sure how to deal with those. He recalled the Wolf knocking into the bed at a weird angle, and letting out a howl in agony. That must have been what caused the bruised ribs, he'd make sure to mention it to Lily, to heal him.
He stared at Remus for a moment, taking in how thin Remus had gotten since he had last seen him, his hands trailing over Remus' ribs, avoiding the bruised side, which were more prominent than before, because of the drastic weight loss – had Remus been eating right? Before pulling the blanket around him again, and letting his hand run through Remus' soft hair.
He looked closely at Remus' face, noticing the almost black bags under Remus' eyes, showing he hadn't been sleeping well either. He thought back to the night before, where had Remus looked so broken. His eyes had been glassy, like he wasn't quite there. Sirius realised properly how much Remus had been suffering. He could see it in the sleeping man's face, and it was his fault. Sirius Black had caused this.
Werewolf or not, he had to swallow his pride on the species matter, and apologise properly to the man he had hurt. The kind man who took him in when he was hurt, the beautiful, sweet man who...
He mentally shook himself again. Why did these thoughts keep invading his head? His gaze shifted to the wall instead of on Remus' face, as he tried to get himself in check.
He saw the Werewolf's eyes open, and that's all he needed. He'd just say his piece and leave. Hopefully Remus wouldn't hate him. That was actually a very good place to start.
"Look, Remus," he began, his eyes meeting the confused and panicked amber ones. "I know you must hate me, but I swear to you on my own magic that I thought it was real. I honestly thought I was a dog – your dog, your friend and confidant, there was never an ulterior motive. I know it's a lot to ask, but please forgive me for something I had no control over. The things you told me, I'm not going to go around telling people. I know you told me and only me, and you trusted me with those words, and I won't betray that trust."
"I... I forgive you," came a whisper so soft that Sirius almost missed it.
"This doesn't mean we're friends though," Sirius quickly added, and Remus let out a slight chuckle, and Sirius could tell that he was trying to make light of the situation, although Remus was extremely unhappy. Sirius didn't even know why he had said that.
"I didn't expect us to be."
It was said with so little amount of hope, and it made Sirius' chest hurt. He wanted to protect Remus, to look after him, and that's what he was doing. He had just spent the night there, and Remus never hurt him. Remus had called him 'pack'.
He couldn't be part of Remus' pack, and also be his enemy. Enemies disliked each other, they wanted to hurt each other, and he had no intention of hurting Remus at all, or even having any bad will towards the man he had gotten to know over the couple of months. He wanted to be something to Remus, maybe his friend, his protector. To not let anyone hurt him again. He had seen Remus at his worst, breaking down because of some terrible words uttered about him, he had watched him transform. He had seen more than anyone else had of Remus, and he didn't think he could walk away.
"You've confused me, Remus," he muttered, his eyes meeting Remus' again. He ignored the way his chest felt. "I'm supposed to hate you, but I don't. I can't."
Remus stayed silent. "I can't bring myself to hate you, either," he whispered, his gaze shifting away. He watched Remus pull the blanket tighter, and cast a warming spell on it. Remus almost smiled. He wanted to make Remus smile again, the way Remus would smile every day when he came home and saw Padfoot. Sirius wanted to see Remus smile for him, not for Padfoot.
He quickly stood up. Why should he care if Remus smiled again?
"Ah, so I'll see you in about a month," he said, turning to the door. As he opened it, he heard his name, just a whisper, and he paused, waiting to see if Remus said anything else.
"Thank you," the Werewolf whispered, and he couldn't help giving him a soft smile, before opening the door, and heading upstairs, only to be stopped by James Potter coming out of Lily's apartment.
They faced each other for a moment.
"I couldn't stay away, James. I tried," he said. "I tried not to count the days till the full moon, then I was counting the hours, then I couldn't stop myself from coming here to help him. You lot told me that he'd struggle, that he'd hurt himself and I couldn't let Remus get hurt."
Sirius looked so lost, so confused, and James felt sorry for him.
"I know, mate, Lily floo'd me last night, I've been asleep on her sofa. Is Remus in a bad state, or..." he trailed off.
"Just a few minor scratches, nothing I couldn't heal with my wand," he replied loudly, so Lily could hear. No doubt the nosy redhead was standing right behind the door, listening to them. "A bit of bruising on his ribs that I wasn't sure how to heal. I've never dealt with ribs, but I don't think it was more than bruises."
"Did you say anything to him?"
"I apologised, and stuff, and he said he forgives me, and when I left, he thanked me. I guess he was happy I came here for the full moon. I told him I'd see him in about a month."
James gave a smile. "Why do you care?"
"I don't," Sirius snapped. "I owe him for saving me. I'm repaying my debt."
The words sounded as fake as the laugh had been the night before, but James didn't question him further.
"Home?" he said, and led Sirius inside Lily's flat, making use of her floo, but not before shooting the redhead a trademark James Potter smirk and wink.
...oOo...
When they arrived back, Dorea was awake and cooking breakfast.
"How is Remus, dears?" She asked and Sirius shrugged. "I healed him," was all he said. James headed upstairs to get a fresh change of clothes, but Sirius took a seat at the table.
Dorea could see the confusion on his face, and sat next to him, and he leaned his head against her, whilst she stroked his hair, so happy to have him back.
"Sirius, my darling, I can't stand to see you like this. Talk to me?" she asked, softly.
"Mum, I'm so confused," he admitted. "I can't hate him. He's so kind, and I've hurt him. Part of me wishes that it never happened."
"And the other part?"
Sirius bit his lip, before moving his head from her shoulder. He glanced towards the doorway, before answering.
"The other part is... glad to have spent time with him, even if it wasn't really me."
"It was really you," Dorea said. "You had a scary encounter with Greyback, which made you think that all Werewolves are bad. Can I put this in a way you might understand, dear?"
He nodded, eager to hear what she had to say. Dorea had never attempted to discuss Werewolves with him. He had assumed that she saw him as a lost cause when it came to them, but maybe she was just biding her time until he was willing to listen. Now was clearly that time. If she could get rid of all these conflicting thoughts in his head, he'd listen to her talk for hours.
"You hate Werewolves because of a bad encounter with one. Yes, the majority of Werewolves are party to You-Know-Who, but there are a few who are hiding, trying to stay away from all that. Are you with me so far?"
Sirius nodded his head slightly.
"Now, imagine someone having a horrible run in with Bellatrix. Most of the Blacks are also party to You-Know-Who, but there are a few, just like you, your Uncle Alphard, and Andromeda that aren't. I think that it's not much different."
Sirius didn't answer. Instead, he frowned. He had never thought of it like that.
"You were alienated in school, because the Gryffindor's felt you didn't belong there, and the Slytherins saw you as a traitor. You were judged solely on your name. Remus is alienated also by something he has no control over. He is judged solely on his condition, something that only affects him one day each month, and you see how he locks himself away, to keep people safe."
"Right, but –"
"You don't let people close to you, because of your past. Because of how your family treated you, how your so-called friends treated you. Remus doesn't let people close to him either, because once they find out what he is, they pull away and each time he loses someone, it hurts more and more."
Sirius knew better than to try to get a word in until Dorea was finished making her point.
"That's why it was easy for Padfoot to accept a Werewolf as a friend. Because as Padfoot, you were a blank slate. You didn't hold your prejudice, so Padfoot got to know the real Remus, and not Werewolf Remus, where Sirius would immediately condemn him for his condition and not take the time to know him. With Remus, he saw Padfoot as an animal that wouldn't judge him, wouldn't treat him poorly, and for once, someone was so happy to see him each day. It didn't matter that you were a dog, it was the fact that you didn't judge him, and that's why he could tell you anything and everything."
"That's why it hurts him so much, because he trusted me," Sirius said softly.
"Remus has suffered a great deal, Sirius, and as much as you don't want to admit it, there is a place in your heart for him. Padfoot is you without prejudice and Remus became the post important person to Padfoot, and Padfoot was just as important to Remus. Tell me, did he treat you like a pet?"
Sirius shook his head. "I slept on the sofa, or on his bed," he replied. "He cooked me food, I never ate dog food. I ate take-away, bacon, sausages, steaks, burgers... he put tea in my drinking bowl. He did everything he could to make sure I was happy. He talked to me as though I was another person."
"Even though you were just a dog," Dorea added. "Remus lost his parents, and only has Lily. I doubt he has ever even had a lasting relationship, because Remus isn't very confident. You must have noticed that he has a very low opinion of himself, because of his curse. He doesn't search out happiness the way the rest of us do, because somewhere deep inside, he doesn't feel like he truly deserves it. He won't allow anything to get serious for him, because if it did, and he let himself feel, he'd be even more hurt when it came to an end."
She allowed the words to sink in, knowing that Sirius was absorbing everything she was saying.
"Remus is quite emotional, he hides it well, but he's so unhappy, and Padfoot made him happy again. He was starting to put on weight, and -"
"He looked terrible, Dorea. Bags under his eyes, weight loss. When I moved him from the floor to the bed, it was too easy to lift him. I'm... I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm worried about him."
Dorea hid her smile. She never thought Sirius would care so deeply for Remus, but it was clear, with the concern in his eyes. This might be easier than she thought.
"Why can't you believe you're saying this?" She asked, after a moment of thought on how to continue.
"Because I can't just stop hating, just like that!"
"Why not?" Dorea asked curiously. "You stopped hating Remus that easily, even if you didn't admit it to yourself until yesterday."
"Remus is different," Sirius insisted, uncertainly.
"Remus is you," she replied softly. "Like I said, there are some good, and that's what my work does. It helps those that want help. I know any Werewolf coming to me for help is not with Voldemort. Remus has done so much for me, he's one of the most gentle people I've ever met."
"He is," Sirius agreed, blushing.
"Maybe this would help if you stopped viewing Remus as an evil creature, and realise that he's a victim?"
"What?" Sirius asked, confused. "How is he a victim?"
"How old was Remus when he was bitten... seven?"
"Five," muttered Sirius.
"Exactly. Imagine a little five-year old Remus, laying in bed, sleeping. It's easy to imagine him, all innocent, curled up... most likely holding the book he had snuck out of bed to read," Dorea began. She had his full attention, and she wanted to paint the scene as best she could. She knew everything she was saying was having an effect on Sirius, and this had always been the part that really got the people she spoke to thinking.
"Yeah, he loves to read," Sirius said, waiting to hear more, but also scared of what was going to happen at the end. He knew what was coming.
"Imagine how tiny he is in that massive bed, possibly holding a stuffed toy, a dog, perhaps. Maybe a bear, and the full-moon rises, the Lupins are asleep in bed, and the wards go off, waking the Lupins. Imagine the foul creature that is Greyback, a twisted man; even if he wasn't a Wolf, he'd still be evil, Sirius. Imagine him climbing in that window that little Remus left open because his room was too hot. That tiny mistake that almost cost him his life. The Wolf pushes the window up, and climbs in, over to the bed where the little boy is asleep, and he attacks."
She paused, as Sirius let out a shaky breath, his eyes widening.
"The Lupins come rushing in, having felt the wards, and see the Wolf with its mouth clamped around their son, in an attempt to kill him. Greyback wanted to kill a five-year old child, Sirius, and instead he cursed that little boy. The Lupins didn't get to his room in time, and John Lupin died knowing that his son was cursed due to Johns mistake of facing off against Greyback to the Ministry. From the age of five, Remus Lupin has been treated so poorly, but he was just an innocent child – Greyback's victim, Sirius."
She knew she was getting through to him, she could see it in his eyes.
"Greyback has hurt a lot of people, in fact he's still out there attacking people, and he goes after children. He does it for enjoyment, walking around each full moon, tearing apart families, killing, for some sick, twisted pleasure. Remus Lupin locks himself away each full moon, terrified of hurting someone. The fear isn't about what the Ministry would do to him, the fear is about someone being ruined the way he sees himself. Making someone else live this life, or killing someone. Those are his biggest fears. So when you judge Werewolves, you need to start realising how different they truly are, because right now, you're putting Greyback and Remus in the same group, and Remus is nothing like Greyback."
"I know," Sirius whispered.
"Remus is human, and a Wolf one day a month. Greyback isn't human," Dorea said. "Just remember, there is always good and bad, no matter what you are classed as. You've only seen the bad, and you let it make your judgement. Now you've seen the good. Remus needs you, Sirius."
With that, she stood up again, and met James' eyes, where he stood in the doorway, behind Sirius. He looked pale too. She knew he had come to stand there, just after Sirius had glanced around, and James had heard every word she said. She hoped more than anything, that Sirius would look after Remus. Even if he continued to hate every other Werewolf, if she got him to realise that Remus was good, even just one Werewolf, then she had achieved something.
She put the plates around the table, and leaned down and kissed his forehead. "Let go of your prejudices, even if it's just towards Remus at first. You need him, even if you're scared to admit it – just as scared as he is to admit he needs you. Because you are Padfoot, his best friend, and he's the man who done everything to care for you when you were alone," she said.
"Thanks, mum," he whispered, as Charlus came in the room, followed by James who had stayed in the doorway, not wanting to distract Sirius from his talk.
Every word repeated itself over and over in his head, as he ate his breakfast. He couldn't get the scene that Dorea painted out of his head.
Reviews please :D