AN: IMPORTANT:
PLEASE READ AUTHOR'S NOTE BELOW!
Note: i don't own anything, except a used copy of and Edgar Allen Poe story in spanish i bought for 4 pesos. ;)
"Bella…"
The tone of his voice and a quick glance at him made me look away from the movie we were watching and put down my take-out before turning to fully face him.
"Edward…"
I mimicked his tone when I saw that his expression looked like he was about to face the death sentence; in an attempt to lighten the mood.
"I was wondering…"
I waited for him to continue.
But that was it. He stopped talking and shoved a chopstick full of lo mein into his mouth. When he swallowed, I spoke before he could continue to eat, curiosity driving me a little insane.
"You were wondering?"
He shook his head and let out a deep breath noisily.
"Iwaswonderingifyou'dfancyhavingsupperwithme. Inarestraunt. Likeadate. Alone."
Umm…what?
"I got 'Alone.' That's it. Could you repeat that a tad slower, please?"
He took another deep breath and looked anywhere but at me. When he finally started talking, he was staring straight up at the ceiling.
"I said: 'I was wondering…I wondered… if you'd fancy having supper with me."
I was confused. I looked around us. We had Chinese takeout littered across his coffee table; fortune cookies, packets of sauce, and open cartons with chopsticks stuck in them made a small village on his usually clean and neat coffee table. We had a movie that was just released playing on the television. Was this not dinner? Was supper different from dinner? Did he want me to leave and come back for…lunch?
"Do you want me to leave? I mean if you want to have lunch tomorrow we can do that. We didn't have to have dinner tonight…"
Edward was looking at me with a look of confusion on his face that I was sure matched my own.
"What?"
"You asked me if I wanted to have supper with you, I mean if you didn't want to have dinner with me you could have told me to wait until lunch tomorrow or we could have done it another time."
"Bella, I'm not following you."
"I'm not following me either! You asked if I wanted to have supper, but we're having dinner so I'm asking if you're asking if you want me to leave and come back for supper, or lunch, or something!"
"No, Bella. Supper and dinner are the same things."
What?
"Ok. So you're asking me if I'd like to have supper, but we're essentially having supper slash dinner right now? That's what we're doing right? We're eating supper slash dinner? I don't understand the question. Can I phone a friend?"
"What? Why do you need to phone a friend? Who are you phoning? I mean, if you have to ring someone the go ahead. I can step out of the room for a bit if you'd like?"
"Wait. What?"
"You asked if you could phone a friend, I'm asking if you want me to step out of the room while you do it."
"No, no! Like phone a friend, on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."
"I don't know, who wants to be a millionaire?"
"No, I'm not asking. I'm talking about the game show. 'I think I'll phone a friend, Regis.' 'Can I poll the audience, Regis?' You know?"
"No, who's Regis? Is that who you're going to ring?"
"No, Edward! I'm not calling anyone! It's an expression. Jeez! Regis is the host of a game show called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. They ask you trivia questions. If you don't know the answer to a question you can phone a friend."
"Oh. So wait. Then will you have supper with me?"
"UGH! I thought that's what we're doing right now?"
He looked at me like I was insane.
"No. I mean yes. But no…"
"That clears things up."
He sighed and shook his head before continuing.
"We're having supper, yes. But I was asking if you'd like to have supper with me at a restaurant. Like…on a date?"
Oooooooooohhhhhhh!
Oh.
Whoa.
Shit.
"Um… Edward… you don't want to date me. You…you really, really don't. I'm not… I'm not whole."
"Bella…I'm not asking you to marry me. Listen, do you like spending time with me?"
"Yes…"
His smile lit up the room and I couldn't help but smile back at him. I tried to remember my decision to let Edward help me. But would dating him help me? Would that give me what I needed? Was this too fast though? I was so confused.
"Ok. You like spending time with me. Do you like kissing me?"
I blushed. It was only two days after Christmas and we had spent all that time spending it with each other. Edward snuck in kisses at a moment's notice, while I ordered Chinese, picking out a movie at the rental place, walking down the street. I did enjoy it, probably too much.
"Yes."
My voice was no greater than a whisper.
"Then really, this 'date' would only be a technicality. Because, if we're being honest here, Bella, we're technically already dating. We just haven't put that label on it yet, love."
Oh.
Oh, shit.
He was right.
And I wasn't ready.
"Edward…everything we do…I mean you make me… I feel…I don't feel numb when I'm with you. I feel things…things that don't hurt. Things that make the things that hurt me go away. Not only that but… you make me feel good. Really good. But… I'm scared. I've never been with anyone before, Edward."
I blushed deeper at this admission. How had we gone from insane rambling to this heavy discussion?
"Bella, it doesn't matter if you've never had a bloke be your boyfriend or whatever…"
"No, Edward. You don't understand what I'm saying. I had a boyfriend…he just sucked at being aboyfriend...but um… shit how do I say this. Edward. I've never held a…bloke's hand before. Ok? So…other things I haven't done either. You know?"
Comprehension dawned on his face as his eyes widened comically.
"You mean you're… you're a um… uh… your safety seal is still…uh... intact?"
"Wait. What? My safety seal?"
"Yeah…you know…like a bottle of pills? It has a safety seal and the bottle says if the safety seal is broken not to buy them or take the pills because they've been contaminated."
"Whoa! If I had had sex with someone I would not be contaminated, Edward Cullen. I think that is a pretty shitty thing to say."
"No! No! I didn't mean that… no I mean… tampered with! The bottles get tampered with! If you had…umm… been…with another bloke…I mean I wouldn't like it, but um… you wouldn't be contaminated. You know? Shit, that doesn't sound any better. I have a bottle of Tylenol in the loo, I can go get it and you can read it so you know what I mean?"
"No. I get it. It's fine. I'm sorry I misunderstood you. But um… yeah. My safety seal is still uhh…it's still sealed. I'm still…safe? I don't know where I going with this metaphor, Edward…"
"No! No! Its fine I get it! Ok. So. You're still…safe. Right. Ummm…"
He took another deep breath, but this time he looked me right in the eye, holding my chin so I couldn't look away.
"Bella…I would never make you do anything you didn't want to do. I'm a patient guy, Bella. But, love, I want to be with you. I want to snog you whenever I want. I want to take you across the pond, back home to England and Ireland and show you where I grew up. I want us to live together because I can't sleep well without you, duck. I…well… I believe you're it for me, Bella. And I'd really fancy a date with you."
"Edward…I'm still scared. And I'm sorry I'm making this so hard on you, but I would hate to lose you. And…I dealt with a lot of heavy stuff. And I have a lot if trust issues. If you really mean what you say…if you really mean it…then you have to show me. Because, to me at least, actions always speak louder than words. If you mean everything you just said, you have to show me."
He smiled softly at me before he spoke.
"Bella? I'll show you the world if that's what you want. I'll show you everything. I'll show you, duck. Don't worry."
I smiled and then looked down at my carton of lo mein and started playing with it with my chopsticks. I couldn't believe I was about to have this conversation with this man. But this was one thing that we needed to get out of the way if he really wanted to be with me. I was afraid he wouldn't want me after this.
"The thing is…umm…Edward. I've had some um… some not so fun times in life and uhh…one of those things made me umm…I'm going to be uh…safe until there's a ring on my finger. Then, whoever's last name takes the place of the one I have now he can um… break my safety seal? This is a disgusting metaphor. We need a new one."
I was hoping that my swift change in topic would make Edward not focus so much on what I had said. Because if he wasn't ok with that, then this would be a deal breaker, and our friendship probably wouldn't last the awkwardness that would follow this conversation.
"Bella, I said I would wait. And I will. I already told you that I think you're it for me. I'd…I'd really like to uh…be that guy…whose last name you have. Eventually, I mean. I'm not asking you now."
And…
He was perfect. Every word out of his mouth was perfect. I set my noodles down on the coffee table among the other cartons, and I sat myself in his lap. I held onto him tightly and he kissed my forehead with a feather light touch, almost like he was afraid I would shatter at any moment. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and just held me. There was no other place I'd rather be than right there.
"Edward?"
"Yes, Bella?"
"That was the worst ask a girl out speech I've ever heard."
He laughed loudly and buried his face, which I'm sure was red, into my hair.
"I know. Does mean you want me to do it again? Do you want to go on a date?"
"No."
His head shot up at that.
"You don't want to go on a date?"
"No, I do want to go on a date; I don't want you to ask me again. I liked how you asked me. It was pretty funny."
There was a beat of silence before he spoke again.
"Want an eggroll?"
"Hell yes."
The best way to a girl's heart, her stomach. He was a smart, smart man.
We stayed like that the rest of the night, me in Edward's lap, snuggled up while we ate Chinese and watched movies and mindless TV.
And so the days went on. Edward hadn't said anything specific about the date, but I was just happy to move along doing whatever we were doing. We spent time at Duffy's, we hung out at the bookstore, I spent more time with Alice and Rose while Edward was with the boys. New Year's Eve was tomorrow and I was not looking forward to it. Alice was planning a big bash at her and Jasper's row house, but I had declined. New Year's Eve was the anniversary of my mother's death. Five years ago I lost my mother and my stepfather in a drunk driving accident. One day I would be able to celebrate New Year's again, just…not tomorrow. Edward had wanted me to be his date for Alice's party and getting out of going was not easy.
"Why don't you want to go, love?"
"It's just that New Year's Eve isn't something I celebrate. I don't like crowds very much, and parties aren't really my thing."
"Bella, I'll be with you the whole time. I have to go because it's Alice's party and the whole family's going to be there. I know they'd all love to see you, duck. Please say you'll go."
"I…I can't, Edward. Please, one day I'll explain it but please. Tomorrow isn't going to be good for me. I just won't be able to do much tomorrow. I can't go to that party. I'm sorry, I don't want to disappoint you. Please understand."
He sighed and looked out the window. We were sitting in my apartment this time, waiting for Emmett and Jasper and their wives to come hang out with us. I was growing more anxious with every passing second of his silence.
"Please, Edward."
I wasn't sure what I was asking him for then, but I knew that he would give it to me. He turned to me and smiled faintly before pressing a kiss to my forehead.
"Don't worry, duck. I'll go tomorrow and then I'll come back here for my midnight kiss. We can spend the day together if you'd fancy that?"
"Um…would you mind terribly if I wanted to be alone for tomorrow, Edward? I want you to come for your kiss…but can you just give me tomorrow? I'll call you, I swear."
He sighed again and looked out the window before nodding. He got up and smiled at me before moving to answer his siblings' knock on my door.
And now the day has come. And it sucks. It sucks so much. I slept in as late as I could, wishing that the day would just pass over and that at twelve o'clock Edward would be here with a kiss that would make everything better. I had some music my mother had loved playing in the background. Bruce Springsteen, Meatloaf, Jackson Browne, The Eagles, Rod Stewart, The Spoons, and so many other singers I grew up listening to.
I spent the day wallowing; eating my mom's favorite foods, looking at pictures and watching old videos we had. I laughed until I cried when I watched a video of my mom, stepdad and I on paddle boats at a park we had taken when we traveled to South America. Once I started crying, I couldn't really stop. The sharp pain of my mother's absence was with me all day, like someone had stabbed me in the heart. It burned and ached and I cried more than ever. I cried for my stepfather, and for my mother and for me. I cried for what they would miss and for my life without them.
The day passed by, slowly but surely it passed by, and before I knew it, the darkness outside had surrounded me. I got up and walked to my closet, pulling out an old shoebox. A bunch of things that belonged to my family were in here, but there was one thing in particular that I knew I needed to see. I took my time and looked at every item in the box. Baby pictures, wedding pictures, memories, ticket stubs, playbills, paintings and an assortment of other things cluttered the boot-sized shoebox. Finally, there was one thing left in the box and there was no delaying it any longer.
I picked up the envelope and pulled out the contents before taking a deep breath and starting to read.
Dear Bella,
My baby girl. Isabella Marie, I don't know how to put into words what I want to say to you. You were always the one who was good with words, baby, I'm the one that knows how to spread some paint around. I was diagnosed with cancer today, Bella. Ovarian cancer, the same thing that killed your grandmother. I'm going to try, baby. I'm going to try as hard as I can to beat it, but even then it's still not a guarantee that I'll make it out of this one alive.
Baby, I don't want to write you a long letter. I'm writing this because, one day, I won't be here anymore. It might be sooner than I planned, and I want to give you the advice I might have to give you years down the line. If I'm not here, I can't give you the advice, that's what this letter is for. Read it whenever you need to, honey. I'll always be with you; I'll always be waiting to see you again.
Bella, I know you've seen so many terrible things in this world, more things than any one person deserves to see. And, I'm sure, if you're reading this letter, then things may have gotten worse. I'm sorry for that. I never wanted to add to your pain. But listen, Bella, you've been through so much, especially with your father, but baby, you can't let that rule your life. You've got to move on from that. It's not going to be easy, I know, sweetheart. But you've got to do it, or you'll spend your whole life wondering 'What if?' You'll miss out on great opportunities if you're afraid of living, Bella. And that's what I want you to do. I want you to live, for me, Bella. I want you to open your heart to the world and embrace all the good there is. Don't focus on the evil, baby. Open your eyes and see that not everything around you is a shade of grey. There are so many colors in the world, Bella, and you can see them. You just have to open your eyes.
I don't want you to be afraid to love, Bella. I want you to love, and have love, and be loved. I want you to have someone who you can laugh and cry with. I want you to have happiness. Don't be afraid to let another person in, Bella. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. You may get hurt, but you know what? It won't kill you. It will make you stronger. It will make that last love worth everything; make it worth every stumble and fall you had to take to get where you are. Love the one who makes you feel like you're standing on top of the empire state building, and you're ready to jump, because you know that at the bottom, they'll be there to catch you.
Be great, Bella. Never settle. Make something beautiful, and show the world how fantastic you are. Work hard, and take the time to relax and enjoy life, too. Make friends, do what makes you happy, laugh. Make sure you always laugh, Bella. There is no greater medicine and no greater joy in life than laughter.
I love you, Bella. I love you so much. I'm sorry I'm not there to see you live your life. I'm sorry if I'm not there when you get your doctorate degree, or your masters or to see you graduate from college. I'm sorry if I'm not there to gush about your first love, and your last love. I'm sorry if I'm not there to jump up and down with you when you have a pretty, diamond ring on the ring finger of your left hand. I'm sorry if I'm not there to buy a pretty white gown with you. I'm sorry if I'm not there to watch you walk down the aisle and say 'I do.' I'm sorry if I'm not there when you get pregnant with you first, second, third or fourth child. I'm sorry for all the things you'll have to do without a mother. I hope that I can beat this, and that this letter never has to see the light of day. But I can't make that promise. I love you, Bella, and I'll be waiting until we meet again.
I made something beautiful in this world, Bella. It wasn't all those paintings. It wasn't all the crafts and songs. It was you. You were my something beautiful, Bella. It's why I gave you that name and why I've always been proud of you.
Love forever,
Mom
The tears streamed down my face as I read the letter for the millionth time. But for some reason, reading it this time had a different impact on me.
Don't be afraid to let another person in…
I don't want you to be afraid of love, Bella…
Make something beautiful…
Don't be afraid to live life…
I thought about how I had spent my day. I thought about all the things my mother loved about life. I thought about how my mother lived her life. That's when I realized that my mom would be disgusted if she say what I was doing. She would be furious that I'm dedicating a whole day to being miserable because of something I couldn't control. She would lecture me tirelessly about the importance of living each day to the fullest, and then would ask if today was anywhere near full. It wasn't. My day had been empty, in honor of my mother I lived an empty day. She'd be livid, not only with how I had spent my day, but with how I had been living my life these past few years.
I understood what she was telling me. I heard her speaking each written word and I knew what she wanted from me. I knew what I wanted from me. I wanted to live, really live. I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I didn't want to hide. I wanted to take chances. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to see the colors my mother spoke about.
And holy shit…
I love Edward.
I don't know how I went from my epiphany of what I wanted out of my life to that conclusion, but it all just made sense to me. I wanted all these things, but I hadn't realized it until Edward came along. Edward seemed to just fit. I love Edward.
I looked at the clock and saw it was ten o'clock. That left me with plenty of time. I raced to my closet and looked inside, finding a dress that Alice had thrown to me saying, "Just in case." I grabbed a pair of heels I had and raced to the bathroom. I took a record-breaking shower and rushed to fix my hair and make-up. I must have spent a half hour alone just making the curls in my hair perfect. I grabbed a clutch, shoved my essentials in it and threw on my coat. I made sure I had everything and then I was dashing out of my apartment and down the stairs. I ran up the street until I could hail a cab and told him where I needed to go.
I was going to find Edward. I was going to find him before he left to give me our midnight kiss. I was going to grow a pair and tell him how I felt. I was going to be alive and happy and laugh. The smile on my face probably made me look like I was crazy, but I didn't care. I felt light and giddy, and I didn't think anything could take this feeling away.
I finally got to Alice's house and threw a bunch of bills at the cabbie, and raced up the steps to her house. I rang the doorbell impatiently and when Alice finally opened the door she squealed and pulled me into a huge hug.
"Oh goodness, Bella! It's so good to see you! You have to see Emmett, he's absolutely pissed. He keeps making a go at Rose but she's not having it. I'm so glad you changed your mind and came! How are you, love?"
I laughed and it felt so good.
"I'm fantastic, Alice. The best I've been in a while."
Alice ushered me into the house and I couldn't help but crane my head around, searching for a glimpse of deep green eyes or copper locks. Alice led me to her family and greetings were exchanged but I couldn't calm down enough to properly socialize. I wanted to find Edward and I wanted to find him now. After a few minutes of talking I huffed and then sighed, disappointed that he was nowhere to be seen.
"Love, your boy's upstairs somewhere, moping I imagine. A pretty young thing didn't want to be his date to a certain party and it got his knickers in a twist."
Alice winked at me and gave me a shove.
"Well, go on. We don't need you here!"
I kissed her cheek and took off across the room, excitement coursing through my veins. I had a little less than an hour until midnight. There was plenty of time to talk to Edward and be together at midnight.
I walked up the stairs, anxious to see Edward. I started towards the study, knowing that he was more likely to be there than any other room. I heard noises coming from inside, noises that seemed as though they should be private. The grunts and sighs and the sound of skin slapping against skin made me blush as I started to walk away, when I heard something that made me stop and turn back.
"Mmmm…harder, Edward. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God! Yessssss. Ugh. Mmm…so good, Eddie. More. Please, Eddie. "
No…
No…he wouldn't…
He said…
I opened the door to the study and sincerely wished I hadn't.
I took in the sight in front of me and the smell that filled the air. Sex. Pure, animalistic sex lingered in the air like humidity. I could feel it all around me, moving in and out of my lungs, coating them, making it hard to breathe. There he was, standing behind Tanya Denali, moving in and out of her without a care in the world, his hand gripped in her unmistakable bright fire red hair. He hadn't noticed I'd opened the door. He hadn't noticed the tears streaming down my face. And he didn't notice when I turned and walked away.
I ran back down the stairs away from the study, sobs shaking my entire frame. I pushed my way through the crowd of bodies, my anxiety heightening, my breath coming in quick gasps. Lingering pain in my ribs made itself known but I ignored it and focused on escape. I thrashed through the bodies that surrounded me. I felt hands on my face and tried to twist my way out of them.
"Bella, Bella, love, stop! Stop, Bella! What happened, Bella? What happened?"
I turned towards Alice, who was looking at me with so much concern in her eyes.
And I snapped.
I brushed her hands off my face and shook my head, tears still falling fast.
"What happened? What happened? I'll tell you what happened! What happened was your brother, your stupid brother made me love him. He kissed me on Christmas and he hasn't stopped since. He's been sweet and caring and understanding. I told him I didn't want to come tonight, and I had a good freaking reason. I had an exceptional reason why I didn't want to come to this party. And you know what he does? He tells me he understands, he tells me it's ok, he tells me not to," I paused as a sob ripped through my body, and I struggled to gasp for air before continuing, "he tells me not to… not to…worry about it. But right now, he's upstairs in your study with his cock buried inside Tanya Denali! Is there any other way I can interpret that? Is there any other way that I can interpret that your brother, because I didn't want to go to a party on the anniversary of my mother's death, is fucking some other girl when he told me he wanted to date me? When he told me that he thought I was it for him? When he told me that he would wait for me? No. No, you can tell him to go to hell."
The concern in her eyes turned to rage. Then they softened again as she gazed at me and she hugged me close to her. I was still too angry to return it, but when she pulled back I barely listened to what she said.
"…call you a cab… fucking rip his balls off… Call me when you… If I don't hear from you… I'll be at your flat." Then she was gone. And so was I.
I didn't wait for her to call a cab.
I didn't wait for her to go give Edward hell.
I didn't wait for Edward to come running to me to explain.
I ran.
I ran all the way back to my apartment and when I finally got up the stairs and inside all I could do was pace. Tears were causing my makeup to form rivers down my face. I was furious, I was hurt, I was devastated, I was livid. So I paced. My heels clicked delecatly along the floor, my feet aching, each step causing more pain. But I couldn't stop. I was like a caged animal, I had nowhere to go. I didn't know what to do, so I kept walking, back and forth. So many thoughts raced through my mind. Every little action since I had met Edward flashed through my head and was analyzed and it all kept coming back to the scene I had walked in on. It all kept coming back to the fact that his actions were inexcusable. It all came back to the fact that he didn't want me like I wanted him. It all came back to the hurt.
I was still crying and pacing when I heard the pounding on my door. I didn't know how long I had been walking through my apartment or how much time had passed since I left Alice's. But I knew that I didn't want to answer that door. A voice began to accompany the pounding and I couldn't ignore it anymore.
"Bella? Bella! Are you there? Open the door! Please! Please let me explain, Bella!"
I froze.
Oh, hell no.
I looked at the door with as much hate as I could muster and before I could stop myself, I was across the room with the door wide open.
And I slapped him across the face.
Hard.
There was a large red mark forming as he looked at me in shock, before I started in on him.
"You want to explain yourself? You want to explain to me what I just saw? Well, let me explain something to you, Eddie. There is no way that you can explain banging another girl after you've been spending all your free time with me. After you've been kissing me. After you've been telling me that you want to date me. After you said you'd be willing to wait for me. You're pretty patient aren't you?"
"Bella, you have to let me-"
"I don't have to let you do anything. Do you know what you've done? I told you, just a few days ago, that to me, actions spoke louder than words. What do you think your actions say to me, Edward? Huh? Am I just another piece of ass to you? Am I another conquest? Hmmm? Is this all some sort of a challenge? Obtain the unobtainable?"
He looked at me like he wanted to protest.
"Bella that's not-"
"Will you shut your mouth for 5 goddamn seconds, you stupid son of a bitch!"
His eyes widened and his mouth snapped shut. He had never heard me talk like that to anyone. He was right to look afraid. I was pissed. I was beyond livid.
"You're so focused on what you're going to say to me that you're not listening to the words that are coming out of my mouth. Do you have any idea of what I've been through today? Do you? Do you even know what today is? No. You wouldn't be able to. You couldn't possibly know what today is. But I'll tell you. Today for me is hell. Pure and utter hell. And you decide to go and put the cherry on top of it all and have sex with another girl because I wouldn't go to a party with you! Would you have told me, Edward? Hmm? Would you have told me that you had fucked another girl, a former employee, from behind, if I hadn't walked in on you doing it? Or would you have kept it from me? Do you know how much of a fool you made me out to be? Do you? Do you have any idea how much you've hurt me? No. Do not touch me."
I held my hands in front of me and backed up as he made to comfort me.
"Bella, love, I know this isn't going to sound right, but I'm trying to help my case. Technically, we weren't really together. So, technically, I didn't even cheat-"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I stared at him incredulously.
And then I punched him in the face.
Just like Phil taught me.
Thumb tucked but not under the fingers, follow through with the body, right foot planted, swing with your weight.
I may have broken his nose.
"Bloody hell! Oh, Bollocks!"
He continued to cuss as he held onto his face. I walked up to him and began to poke him in the chest as I talked, ignoring the fact that he was bleeding and obviously in pain.
"Don't you dare. Don't you dare. You're going to try to get out of what you did by bringing up technicalities? No. Fuck you. You wanted to be with me. You asked me on a date. You worked to try to win me over. You told me that you would wait for me, that you would give me all the time I needed. You told me that you would show me how you felt so that I would know you were truthful and trustworthy. And then you fucked another girl!"
I laughed humorlessly before continuing.
"You want to fight dirty, Edward? Then let's fight dirty. Do you want to know what today was, Edward? Hmm? Do you want to know the reason I couldn't come to that party, so that you had to go drown your sorrows in someone else's pussy? Today is December thirty first, Edward. The anniversary of my mother's death."
A look of shock registered on his face and then he had the decency to look ashamed. It wouldn't help him at all, not now. I was far too angry at this point. He had betrayed my trust.
"That's right, the anniversary of my mother's and stepfather's deaths. I lost two of the most important people in my life on this day. They were hit by a goddamn drunk driver. My mother was killed instantly. Phil held on a little longer, but that's in his nature I suppose, he was always a fighter. And do you want to know the best part? Do you, Edward? They were on their way back from the hospital. She had just been released and her cancer had just been declared to be in remission. And she was hit by a drunk driver. He got to live, the driver. He got away with vehicular homicide and is alive and in jail. He might parole one day. And I was on the phone for the whole thing. I heard my mother take her last goddamned breath. I heard the sound of plastic and metal crushing and closing in on itself. I heard my parents' screams. I heard their sobs. I heard my stepfather begging my mother to come back to him, I heard him telling her how much he loved her. I heard him when he stopped talking, then I heard when he stopped breathing. I heard the ambulances come too late with their stretchers and flashing lights and sirens. I heard the cops that said they'd need the jaws of life to get their bodies out. I heard them declared dead on the scene. I heard everything. I heard them die.
"So that's why I didn't go to the party with you, Edward. Because today is the day my mother died. Five years to the day. Betcha feel real hot right about now. How's that post-coital glow going for ya? Do you feel like shit yet? Hmm? Was fucking that girl worth it? Because there is nothing, nothing, you can do to get my trust back. You are disgusting."
I could hear people in other apartments around me on the streets below us start to countdown the last minute until midnight.
58, 57, 56!
"Bella, love-"
53, 52, 51, 50, 49!
"Don't! Do not call me that. You don't know what that word means. It may mean nothing to you, it may be a silly pet name that you use because you're British and everyone just throws it around over there like it's nothing. I don't. Do not use it if you do not mean it. And your actions have shown that you cannot even begin to fathom the concept of love, or respect. So don't. Do not use that word in reference to me."
30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25!
"Bella, I was…I had a few drinks and I-"
22, 21, 20!
"Get. Out."
He looked shocked that I wouldn't hear him out and I had once again cut him off, but his excuses were not simply hurting his cause instead of helping him, but they were opening old wounds he didn't even know existed.
"Bella, please!"
15, 14, 13!
"Get out of my home. Do not come back. I mean it."
10!
He looked at me while I stood my ground and held his gaze.
9!
Tears were streaming down my face and the look on his face was heartbreaking, but he deserved to hurt. He deserved the pain he put on me, in addition to all the pain I already carried around with
me.
8!
He made to move towards me again, but I backed away from him, warning him with my eyes.
7!
He sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets.
6!
He turned and walked to my door.
5!
He turned back as he was about to close the door behind him.
4!
"I'm sorry, Bella."
3!
He closed the door behind him. He was gone.
2!
I was alone.
1!
I fell to the ground and let the sobs rip through my body.
Happy New Year!
The cheers and laughter, songs and toasts rang out all around me, but I stayed curled up on my hard, cold wood floor, my gym bag forgotten, and cried, wishing I could just make all these feelings go
away.
AN: Ok.
I want everyone to take a deep breath, and step away from their knives. Let me explain:
Now, yes, this really happened. Edward did the not-so-horizontal tango with Tanya. But let me explain something to you, my lovely readers, before you write a review with words you might regret:
In this story, for it to work how I want it to, Bella needs to believe that she's lost Edward forever. This has a happy ending, i swear, the category this story is in is Romance. so don't worry about that. ok? let me explain it. Similar to when Bella lost Edward in New Moon, she needs to think that he's really gone, never coming back, a she'll be broken and alone forever kind of a thing. And this is where the story led me. A very, very large part of me didn't want to write this. Musegirl herself wanted to stab me. And i did go back and forth a lil bit over whether maybe E should just make out iwth another girl or if this extreme action was necessary. And i think this extremeness (which is probably not a word) is what is needed. I knew that E would do something with another girl and that B would see, that was never up for negotiation. It's a large, large part of the story. It's a large catalyst for what happens in a few chapters because a certain action happens in this stroy that if E hadn't done what he did, B would have pushed him away. So that's a large part of why I wrote this. I think of my characters as real people who's actions I can imagine in certain situations. So for the happily ever after to happen, there's needs to be some "i want to kick this author's ass." Bella needs to think she's lost Edward forever so that she can really trust him fully. Now I know that makes no sense. And it won't for another few chapters. But just sit tight and all will be revealed. This isn't an alternate universe scene by scene Twilight remake. its a story that i'm using the twilight characters in. So please, don't hate me too much! 3 Think about the happy first part of the story! did any of you like that part?
and to the annon reviewer who said i made Bella stutter a lot and i said i really didn't, i thought you meant in regards to like sttttttt-uttttteerrrrr. like on one word, then I realized you meant when I write "but ... i mean... I guess what I want to... I mean to say.." which, i do do a lot. and now i want to do less. so thanks for pointing that out. for some places its still needed and has worked well. I'll try not to do it in excess.;)
So the polyvore will be up right after I post this. You can check out all the New Year's outfits and a lot of other lovely things. I didn't post that before posting the chap this time because it would have revealed too much.
Next chapter we'll have some Edward POV. It's not going to be as long as these past couple of chapters have been, it's actually very short, but my lovely and fabulous beta already has it in her inbox and I'm already working on chapter 12. A big huge thank you to musegirl who really helped a lot with this chapter and making it the best it could be!
Now, let me know what you think.
We're still swapping reviews for an outtake of your choice, so make it a good one and start sending me ideas of what you'd like to see that you haven't seen yet.
lots of love,
Mo