Chapter 10: Guilt

I watched him, his body language was tense and stiff. He seemed to be working incredibly hard at doing nothing scrubbing a single dish over and over again. I stood there hoping for him to say something else. He didn't, it was awkward just standing there at the door way I placed my luggage aside to close and lock the door behind me.

"Sebastian?" I called out while approaching him slowly.
"…." Was the response I was given.
"Sebastian are you ok?" I asked him shaking his arms.

He turned towards me I flinched, I don't know why I flinched but I did he smiled tilting his head saying that he was alright and I should go unpack and prepared for the next day for I had school tomorrow. He said it with a faux smile. Your lies are beautifulI thought, but I played along nodding and heading upstairs to unpack. It was awkwardly unsteady the rest of the evening, I tried to play it off as if nothing happened smiling and giggling like a horny school girl while trying to deny that fact that I was living in a dystopia. I disgusted even myself with the manner in how I choose to behave that evening. Sebastian acted as if he was fine, but he was distant and seem to be very deep in thought. I tried to engage in a conversation with him, but his one worded responses irritated me greatly. I wanted to slap him, kick him and yell at him for acting that way…. but if anything shouldn't it be him doing that me?

I only wanted things to go back to the way they were does he hate me? Should I just leave? Is he seeing how long I will last before I mentally crack and confess out of pure guilt? I want to tell him but its Sebastian were talking about, he won't hesitate to harm me once learning the truth. If anything, he would take great pleasure in doing so, he would make sure whichever method with which he desired to deal with me that it would undoubtedly hurt. Watching as I would cry out in pain making him laugh and leave my curled body on the ground.

"Sebastian."
"Hmm what do you want?" He asked almost coldly not even bothering to look up from his cooking with souls book. My eyebrow twitched but I pretended not to be bothered by it, I crawled closer to him, laying my chest on his torso looking up at his stoical face. He flinched I felt him instantly tense up the second he noticed my body pressing against him.
"Let have sex." I bluntly said rubbing the inside of his thigh and tickling my fingers north towards his groin, he made a loud sigh rolling over his back facing towards me.
"Go to bed you have school tomorrow." He growled setting his the brown book down turning off the lamp that proudly sat on the nightstand on his side of the bed.

I glared at him pouting balling the cover in my fist I sat there silently, waiting until I heard his soft slow breathing implying that he was asleep. Whether he was really asleep or not it mattered not to me, slipping carefully out of the covers I dressed myself in my school uniform lazily glanced at the clock 11pm. I rolled my eyes and decided to sleep downstairs I would skip breakfast that morning and buy it on my way to school. I was going to avoid that man as much as possible the tension between us was unbearable it made me sick. I crept out of the room and down the hallway, heading downstairs in the living to sleep on the couch.

That morning I woke up around 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. My thoughts were a jumbled mess my head pulsed with agony, I was thinking so hard I couldn't conceal it all inside me I wanted to tell him, but that's wasn't in my health's best interests and not telling him was also health concerning. I pondered on it a while long until it dawned on me, that I was so tell him in an indirect way. I hopped over the couch and bolted into the library room opening the short cherry wood polished nightstand drawer revealing a stack of yellow lined paper. I took 3 pieces and sat down on the tall red leather armchair leaning off the left arm of the chair using the nightstand as a suitable firm surface to write on. I switched on the stand-alone lamp beside me that lit the room with a low calming tone of dim lighting then ran back into the living room to fetch a yellow mechanical pencil from my bag. I was to write Sebastian a letter explaining everything to him, but he is to never receive this letter it will be written and kept for one day then burned erasing all evidence and guilt. The idea excited me, my pencil danced across paper I included everything my feelings and worries the pain the guilt the emptiness and the regret. I forcefully lodged it on to two sheets of paper. I folded the letter twice before sealing it in a blue envelope then stumbled back to the couch falling asleep, mentally content with my work.

I woke up around 6am and headed out Sebastian did seem to be a little concerned asking me why was I leaving so early and why didn't I sleep upstairs? I sighed and brushed him off saying that I didn't have time to talk and I would see him after school in a completely annoyed and bratty tone. I got out of the house and snickered to myself, I bought an orange Pekoe tea and a whole grain bagel at a breakfast café while strolling to school. Which was tedious like usual and to add to my stress I had a truckload of work to catch up on I finished it all with ease like always. The reason I find school so dreadfully tedious was because it was far too easy to the point that I had to restrain myself and aim for almost perfect because perfect is boring. I finished all my work for each class, my teachers stared me in disbelief watching me as I simply flashed them a cocky smirk before returning to my seat. Auto and I socialized after school he bought marijuana and had two joints one for me and one for him, at first I was alarmed but then shrugged thinking why not? And we got soo HIGH and ended up fooling around in the library being idiots reading books out loud with stupid America accents we roared with laughter and sounded like drunken hyenas.

"Ok ok ok shuddaup I'm gonna run down da stairs and hurt myself real bad I say." Auto snickered faking to launch his cubby self-down the flight of stair, though it probably wouldn't hurt his fart ass and he'd just bounce down the stair I laughed out loud at the mental comment earning a cock eyed eyebrow raise from Auto.
"Heheheheeh." He snickered evilly mumbling to himself.

"EMO! Don't do that, I'm serious!" I yelled warning him while dramatically pointing my finger at now stationary fat human.

"…why…?" He whimpered sitting down on the stairs looking at me with devastated eyes.

"Self-harm is a sin my dear child you must follow the way of the light and stray from the darkness, though the devil may try to tempt you into doing wickedness you must call upon Jesus and he will help you and shine a way back to the path of righteousness." I said sitting down on the floor crossing my legs while closing my eyes going into a sudden religious fit before respectfully bowing.

"The fuck?" Auto awkwardly laughed narrowing his eyes walking in front of me squatting down to my current eye level.
"Are you Ghandi or something?" He asked poking my forehead while I made numerous attempted to sever his fingers off with my teeth repeatedly chomping at the cubby waving sausages.

Then I realized …I never did put the letter in my backpack I just stumbled back to sleep and left it on the nightstand. Fuck! I cursed in my head and stood up scrambling to grab all my things, Auto was confused by my sudden panicky and alarmed behavior he wanted me to stop and tell him what was wrong. I told him that I really, really had to go and I would explain it to him later. I darted off out the school and into the streets I had to get home, Sebastian was just getting off work I wanted to beat him there hmm take the subway, no it takes too long. Taxi? No there are too many random variables, on foot? Gladly. I smiled to myself making a mad dash home. I practically flew into the house panting heavily at the door Sebastian looked at me giving me a funny look as he slipped off his shoes. I ignored him and processed into the library room to find the letter sitting on the nightstand where I left it. Untouched and unopened.

"Did something happen?" Sebastian asked peeking his head into the doorway.
"Nothing, nothing, nothing happened!" I snapped waving my hands in the hands in a panicky fashion shoving the letter in my back pocket.
"Are you high?" Sebastian questioned sniffing the air around me leaning forwards forcing me to lean back to the point I was doing a backwards Taekwondo stance leaning back at a 45 degree angle.
"Why does it matter?" I growled pushing passed him to head to the study room for some peace and quiet. Then mid-stride I heard the sound of paper falling on the ground and turned back to see it was the letter on the floor my heart stopped I leaned over to grab it but Sebastian beat me to it. I started freaking out but this fueled him making him curious to find out what the letter said that was making me reacted in such a manner. I told him it wasn't his to read, but he stated that it clearly had his name on it and began to open it. I begged him not to I was on the brink of tears as I watched him pull the letter out of the envelope that conceal its contents. At that point I grabbed my bag and darted out the door I was too scared to witness his immediate reaction.

Dear Sebastian,

I'm sorry, I shouldn't of done it I'm sorry. I should not have done it I had a chance to back down but I choose not to take it. I'm sorry I know I hurt you, at the time I wasn't thinking I'm not going to lie I have been interested into being sexual with someone, anyone other than you. I was curious you were my first and unlike other people you're the only one I experienced it with, I wondered what it would be like to be with someone that used different tactics. I cursed myself for thinking such thoughts I really did, please forgive I promise to stay true to you and only you. I had a moment of weakness please give me another chance.

I'm sorry I hate myself for doing it, the sex wasn't worth the mental turmoil I'm now forced to deal with. I walk around the house trying to avoid mirrors I can't stand to look at myself. Please forgive me I know that I probably don't even deserve a people such as yourself but, I don't want to lose you. You have been by my side from day one I don't want to imagine what it would be like to not have you, I would be a being without a shadow. Please Sebastian, if you feel that it is necessary to punish me then so be it.

I would endure anything to have you back as my lover and not this marble slab that has replaced you, that ignores me and acts stand offish towards my very presents. I want you back. I'm sorry I want you to forgive me, I want to earn back your trust and I know it will take time but I'm alright with that, I just want to be with you, to touch you, to see you, to smell you. I know you'll probably never read this but if by a mishaps of events you do I'm scared…. as hard as it was too write this letter and openly write out my true feelings. I'm scared, I'm scared of what you will do and what you will say if you are to read this letter. Even though I probably deserve every ounce of your rage…. I still scared. I'm sorry Sebastian and I love you, it was never my intention to deliberately harm you my insidious actions was out of a pure one track minded selfish pleasure drunken motive…. Please forgive me.

My deepest apology's love
Ciel Phantomhive

Happy New Years! This is my favorite chapter so far, I'm not sure why it just is. Heehee and I'm still looking for a beta if anyone is willing. Also I was really disappointed seeing the low review count for the last chapter it kinda made me feel like nobody really cares about this story. If that is honestly the case, I'll more than likely discontinued it, meh it just makes me depresses me, but on a lighter note schools starting back up soon and I will forcibly have to socialize with other humans xD I don't find it that agonizing.
Review!

S.R.