I couldn't sleep last night, so I went outside. I went to look at the balcony where I once laid naked. Charon was there. I tried to get him to come talk to me, come and comfort me, but he didn't. Tears were coming from my eyes, and I damnit all I wanted was some goddamned reassurance. But he didn't give it to me. He turned his back, and left me there. Fuck him.

After five years, I've become so independent, it's scary. I don't need him. When he did that…last night…it hurt. It hurt because it showed me he chose her over me. Even with our history, he chose her over me. I wasn't going to try anything, I wasn't going to do anything. I just wanted someone to…to tell me it's all okay. I felt so sad, so lonely last night. For a minute…I wanted to pretend I never left. That Charon and I weren't separated by walls and rivers and mountains, and that the past five years never happened.

So I went back inside. I went inside and cried my sorry ass to sleep. Why? Because even after five years, he still makes me go weak at the knees. He still makes me feel like that nineteen-year-old hellion I used to be. I just wanted to pretend I was, for a minute. I just wanted to feel him…close to me…like he used to be.

"Do you always eat cigarettes for breakfast?"

Gob asks me as he sets Zack down on the ground. I woke up before them and came outside for some air. To clear my head. I didn't think to eat.

"Huh? Oh, no. I mean…I don't know."

I smirk and Gob sits down.

"Remember, Zack, no leaving the grounds."

"Kay!"

Gob looks back at me with a sheepish grin on his face.

"Kid asked to leave the grounds this morning after you took off. He's gonna want to adventure just like you and Charon."

"Yeah."

I don't even know what I'm agreeing to. I just feel like…I'm going through the motions of being alive at this point. I feel so old on the inside. With all that I've witnessed since leaving the vault, I feel like I'm ready to close my eyes and die like an old woman. Sometimes…life out here gets too hard. But I've spent so long making myself so independent and free of emotions, that I don't see the need for them. At least, I thought I didn't.

"So did you talk to Charon last night?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Didn't go well. I am going with him to Point Lookout, though."

"Well that's great! Wait, what do you mean it didn't go well?"

I shrug, inhaling the smoke from my cigarette.

"Both agree it's better off left…well, in the past."

Gob's eyes meet mine, and I tear myself away from them. I can't bear to look anyone in the eye right now.

"Why's that?"

Before I can formulate a decent reply in my head, I see the doors to the tower open. Gob turns around, and we both look as Charon, Lily, and a small girl-child holding Lily's hand walk out. Lily's free hand is clasped tightly over Charon's, and they walk close together. He has his shotgun on his back, and they walk past the broken fountain.

"Hey Charon."

Gob says, and Charon gives him a nod, but overlooks me entirely. He didn't even glance in my general direction. But Lily did. I had to hold myself back from clawing her perfect eyes out. They leave through the Tenpenny gate, and I poke out my cigarette only to light up a new one.

"Fuckers."

I snarl, shaking my head. Gob stares at me, bewildered.

"Did he just snub you?"

"Yup. Seems that way."

"Stupid tramp."

I look at Gob, my eyebrow raised in curiosity, my mouth letting out a small laugh.

"How is him snubbing me her fault?"

Gob shrugs.

"She probably bitched him out, made him do it. Don't think Charon would snub you out of his own free will."

Remembering last night, I shake my head but don't say anything. Last night, Charon snubbed me. I was pretty vulnerable then, too. He could have taken me and run away from this place, away from it all. Isn't that what I've always wanted, too? Always wanted to run away with him, to some far-off and unknown place? I guess some things never really change.

It doesn't matter though. Last night before I fell asleep, I decided that I was no longer going to let anything Charon did bother me. He's not willing, and I'm not complying. I came back, didn't I? Sure it took forever and a day, but I did it. Least he could have done was wait another few months before he hopped in bed with the nearest thing with a pulse. Hell I broke off all relations before I came back, and I know why. Because even though I didn't want to admit it, some part of me still hoped Charon and I would have a chance. Now, it seems like bitchy Dez is going to have to come out. If I'm going to survive Point Lookout with him, that is.

"Dez?"

The sound of my name causes me to blink, and I look at Gob.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"…Trying to get you to talk to Charon again. Hell I know that it's been a long time but when I remember you two together, it was good. It fit. You two always seemed like you balanced one another out, and hell if you needed each other. I was just trying to help you because you've helped me."

"It's not your fault. I appreciate your effort, but really Gob, don't try to repay me for anything. Charon and I…it's great it happened, but it's better in the past."

"How you plannin' on makin' it through Point Lookout?"

I shrug, flicking some ash from my cigarette.

"I guess just going with the flow. Get in, kill who needs to be killed, get out."

"And then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you plan to do after that?"

You know, I never thought of that. I could take care of some unfinished business I have here. With Megaton and all. Maybe look into what became of the Jefferson Memorial, and visit Dr. Barrows in Rivet City. I'll probably end up taking off the second we get back into the Capital Wasteland, and tell Charon to give Gob some goodbyes for me. I sure as hell won't let myself feel abandoned by Charon again, though. This time, I'll leave before he can say anything. I'll ignore anything that he says that might hold meaning to me in Point Lookout, and generally not give a fuck. Works out best that way, it seems.

I do miss him, though. I miss hearing his voice at night, miss knowing he's beside me when I get scared. I thought about him when I first left, thought a lot about him. But over time, I kind of let him go away. I convinced myself I didn't need him, or anybody for that matter. Coming back here brought a lot of unwanted emotions and feelings, things I had tried so hard to forget. Last night I didn't dream. I didn't even sleep well. I tossed, turned, and felt scared. Scared like when I was on my own for the first time. I kept thinking someone was going to get me, that the darkness was going to engulf me forever. I wanted Charon to appear, and make it go away. Stop the pain I felt. He never did, though.

I can't be angry at him. I mean I did leave, and stayed away for five years. I shouldn't have expected him to…still be waiting. When I was alone, in New Vegas, sometimes I'd hear his voice in my head. Comforting, relaxing, telling me things would be alright. That I was brave, strong, and could get through whatever inner battle I was fighting. It always helped, closing my eyes and formulating an image of him. I knew it wasn't real, but it helped get me through some tough times. Before, that is, I decided to just get over him. Or at least, pretend I had gotten over him.

"I don't know, Gob. Probably finish up some business, and go wherever my feet take me."

"You don't get scared goin' off on your own?"

I shook my head at him, inhaling my cigarette.

"The first time I was terrified. I had been with Charon for so long that being alone was…well it was scary. But now, I just don't care. I figure if anything bad can happen, it already has, and if anything wanted to hurt me, it could have by now."

"That is true, kid. I wish you two would still try to reconcile things."

"Naw. No point."

Gob shrugged and lit his own cigarette. We watched Zack run around and fight imaginary beings for a while, silently. The hot sun warmed me nicely, I missed the heat out here, missed the way the wind blew, missed everything about this place. I missed Gob and Nova. Although Nova's dead, I can still miss her. We never really talked much, but she was something special to Gob, so that means she was special to me, too. Times change, people change, I'm just glad Gob didn't change too much. He's still the same, and one out of two isn't so bad.

"Hey your kid's takin' off."
I told Gob, standing. We looked away from Zack for a minute, and then the next I see his little feet leaving through the gate.

"Shit! They left the fucking gate open!"

Gob and I jogged towards the entrance, only to see Zack a few yards away running in the dirt and laughing.

"Aw, Gob, he's fine."

"No, there's fuckin' Radscorpions and shit out here, he is not fine."

I shrugged and took my shotgun from its holster. Slowly we walked towards Zack, as he ran in circles and giggled. Scanning the area, I saw no real threats. I mean, aside from a caravan going somewhere, but they were too far off, and they wouldn't hurt a kid.

"Motherfuckers…could have gotten him hurt…"

"Gob, chill. I'm armed, he's got no worries."

"Still."

We got close enough to Zack to keep a better eye on him. All the kid was doing was digging holes in the dirt, no harm there. I still kept my gun out for good measure. Gob seemed to think as long as I was with him, and as long as there were no threats, Zack could play in the dirt outside of the grounds. Eventually, though, Gob's gonna have to let his kid go, just like my dad let me go. Looking around, I saw Lily playing with her kid in the distance. Sighing, I saw Charon sitting on a worn out blanket. Family picnic, how charming.

"I want to play with Mipzi!"

Zack said, and I gave Gob a strange look.

"Who?"

"Her name's Mackenzie. Lily's bastard."

"Oh. Well let him go play."

Gob shook his head, and reached for Zack. But, Zack was too fast and began running towards Lily and Mackenzie. Gob looked at me, and we started to slowly follow Zack. Neither one of us felt like running. It wasn't like the kid was in any danger, anyways.

"Why can't he play with her?"

I asked, throwing out my cigarette, and feeling sick to the stomach as we got closer to Lily and Charon.

"Lily doesn't want her precious bundle of joy fraternizing with a 'freak' like Zack."

"What? She actually said that?"

Gob nodded, crossing his arms.

"Yup, she did. Ghoul-human children, as she says, are dirty."

"That's bullshit."

"Tell me about it."

We stopped a yard or so away from Lily and Charon. For some reason, Lily let Mackenzie play with Zack. They ran around together, laughing and giggling. Of course, Lily wasn't pleased with this, and marched over to Gob.

"Keep your filth away from my child!"

She said, and I waved at her with my gun.

"Who the fuck you think you are calling a kid 'filth'? They aren't hurting anyone."

Lily watched the gun in my hand carefully. I think she knows if I needed to, or wanted to bad enough, I'd shoot her.

"That child is an abomination to nature! There is no way he's natural."

"Well, in my eyes, he's more of a person than you are. He's not insulting someone who can't outright defend themselves."

Lily glared at me, and I scratched the back of my head with my gun. Behind her, I caught Charon's eye. He quickly looked away and watched Mackenzie and Zack playing tag, or some other childhood game. My heart sank, and I shook my head. Looking over at Gob, he looked sad. I guess hearing someone insult his kid hurt his feelings. In my eyes, Zack is a miracle, nothing short of that, either.

"Gob, take your kid and leave. No one wants either of you here."

I looked at Gob, curious as to what he would say. He's never been much of a fight, never one to confront someone else. He's just Gob.

"No."

I spoke for him. If he won't stand up to her, than I will.

"Excuse me?"

"I said 'no'. They want to play, let them."

"How dare you!"

"How dare I what? Stand up for a kid? Stand up for someone who you don't know and have no right to pick on? You walk around like your shit don't stink, and from the few encounters we've had, Lily, I can honestly say you're a bitch."

"Being a bitch got me to where I am now."

"You mean mooching off of someone else? Yeah, great life."

I pointed my gun at her, smirking.

"Tell me, Lily, have you ever felt the warmth of a gun just after you get a good headshot? Have you ever stripped out of your pretty little dress and survived on your own like everyone else here has? Or have you just gone from suitor to suitor, looking for one stupid enough to support you?"

She stared at the barrel of my gun. I clicked back the switch, signifying all I had to do now was pull the trigger and she'd be dead. Dead as dead as they come. But before I could enjoy the moment, a shadow overcastted me. Looking to my left, I saw Charon, and I saw him down the barrel of his own gun. Bastard.

"Put it away, Dezbe."

I didn't. I kept my arm stretched out, my sawed-off shotgun aimed between her eyes.

"Give me one good reason to."

Charon cocked his gun.

"This is a reason. Put it down."

"You won't kill me, Charon. You won't even hold that gun at me for more than five minutes."

"I will do what I have to, to protect my family."

"Then shoot me, big boy. Come on, shoot me like you were going to in the Ninth Circle. Shoot me like I ordered you to under the bridge. Shoot me and blow my brains sky-high."

I saw his eyes narrow. With a smirk, I squeezed the trigger. Charon reacted faster than I could, and I felt the barrel of his gun connect with my cheekbone. It hurt, stung, and I fell to the ground on my ass.

"It's not loaded, shitface!"

I screamed at him as I clutched my cheek, squirming on the ground. Fuck this hurts. It throbbed and I could feel it swelling under my hand. I threw my gun at him, and it snapped open, showing for real there were no shells inside.

"Dezbe!"

Gob jumped down to my aid, but I pushed him away.

"Fuck off, I'm fine."

I grumbled, blinking and lifting my hand from my cheek. Blood shone on my palm in the sunlight, and I smirked. Good one, Charon. Now I know what pisses you off these days. Looking up, I saw Lily frozen in horror, and Charon standing with his gun at his side. He stared at me, his eyes set and focused. I glared, picking myself up from the dirt.

"She's right, Gob. We don't want Zack congregating with filth."

Gob nodded and went to get Zack. Zack didn't argue, but sadly bid his little friend goodbye. Bending down, I picked my gun up from the dirt, glaring at Charon, at a pleased-looking Lily.

"Five years ago you'd have taken a bullet for me, shitface. Nice to see how easily forgotten I am."

I muttered to him, forcing back tears. Tears from the searing pain in my face, and pain from knowing that pain was caused by a man I once considered the most important thing in the world. Charon didn't say anything, as Lily grabbed on to his arm. She smiled at me, and I shook my head. Blood trickled down my cheek, and you know, Charon's not worth fighting for. I just don't care. I once said I'd follow him until he loved me, but now I know, he'd never love me. Leaving was the best fucking thing I ever did.

"Come on, Gob."

I said, turning away from the happy couple. Gob followed, and I wiped the blood from my face.

"Shit kid, that looks bad."

"Nothing some radiation won't fix."

"What?"

"Never mind."

We got back to the gates, and this time Gob made sure to close them. I sat down at the usual patio table, and cringed as I poked around the spot where Charon hit me.

"I can't believe he did that, kid."

"My gun wasn't even fuckin' loaded."

I said, tossing it on the table. I have shells in my pocket. Last night I figured it'd be safer to empty it, in case Zack got his hands on it.

"You should really get that checked out. There's a doctor inside."

Grabbing my gun, I loaded in some shells and stood up.

"I'll be back later. I'm going for a walk."

I muttered, and left. I'm going to find a nice puddle of water, and sit in it until this clears up. I need some space, too. To really process that Charon actually smacked me with his gun. My cheek stung, burnt, and blood trickled out. I didn't bother to wipe it away, it'd be gone soon enough. Ahead of me, I could see a puddle, and I smiled. It's nice to have radiation so readily accessible out here.

Sniffing my nose, I shook my head to make tears go away. Charon hit me, to protect that bitch. I know where I stand with him now. I've been gone too long. I have to let go, but I can't. I want to pretend, for a little, that things aren't this way. But they are this way, they are over, and I have to get over it. I thought Charon was the one for me, but he's not. Maybe the one for me is still out there, somewhere, looking for me. I guess it wasn't meant to be with me and him. It hurts, but I have to accept it.

Dipping my hands into the puddle, I scooped up some water and pressed it on my cheek. Instantly, the stinging sensation went away, and I began to feel the relief of the radiation. Lily has no idea that Zack and I are the same kind of freak. Only difference being, is that Zack is actually half-ghoul. I'm just a product of being exposed to radiation. Lily doesn't know that Charon is only alive today, because I gave him over fifty percent of my own skin. Those scars are gone, only a few show through, but the imprint it left in my mind is still there.

Tears fell from my eyes as I splashed more water on my face. Whatever, I don't care. Charon probably deserves Lily, anyways. Together they can be a happy family, and after Point Lookout, I'll leave, let them be just that. I'll go away again, vanish into the unknown, and never come back. Now I know that Charon is alive, and that he's happy, that Gob and Zack are doing well. I have no more real reason to return. No more…so I should be fine.

"Dez?"

I grab my now-loaded gun and jump up. Turning around, Charon stands, staring at me as water rolls down my face. I aim my gun at him, but slowly lower it and return it to its holster. Bending down, I return to the puddle. My broken cheekbone isn't quite finished healing.

"Fuck off."

I mutter to him, splashing more water over my face.
"Dez, I'm sorry."

"Fuck off, I said."

I don't want to hear his half-assed apology. I don't want to hear that…that he didn't mean it. He meant it. Or else he wouldn't have done it.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yes, you did. You protect her, understandable. My gun wasn't loaded, though."

"No, Dez I didn't. I just…I know you. You'd have shot her."

"You obviously don't know the new and improved me. Aren't you going to get in trouble for talking to me?"

I said, standing and facing him. Charon sighed as I crossed my arms.

"I told Lily I saw something. I came to investigate."

"Okay, you did, go back."

I went to walk past him, but he stretched out his arm, and I felt his hand press against my midsection. The feeling of his hand on me made my insides freeze. I couldn't feel my feet, I stopped walking. I didn't look at him, but I didn't want him to take his hand away.

"Will you talk to me, please?"

I blinked slowly, feeling his fingers against my top. His touch still makes me feel this way, makes me feel so young.

"There's nothing to talk about."

I tell him, turning my head away. He keeps his hand on my stomach, keeps it there for longer than it should be. I have to hold back taking his hand. Eventually, I feel it slide off, away, and my body shudders. I want…I want Charon again.

"There is, Dez."

"Like what?"

I put him on the spot, still not looking at him. He hesitates, unsure of what to say.

"I…don't know."

There's no easy answer, and I don't expect one. We stand side-by-side, facing different directions. I want to jump on him, cry, wrap his arms around me and beg for him to run away with me. But I don't. I don't because I know it's over. My childish wants and needs are unimportant.

"Then there's nothing to talk about."

"Dez I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yeah well, you did. It's fine, it's better. I'm a freak like Zack, remember?"

"Dez…"

"We'll go to Point Lookout, and get home. After that, I never want to see you again."

I say the sentence quickly, say it so I never have to say it again.

"You're going to leave again? What about Gob?"

"What about him? He's safe, he's alive. There's nothing else I need from this place."

"I wish you'd talk to me."

"I wish you'd tell me what there is to talk about."

A silence falls over us, one I don't like, one that makes me feel uncomfortable. I wipe my face clean of the water, of the tears, and I glare up at him.

"You should get back to your 'family'. They might be worried where their Sugar Daddy went."

"It doesn't matter. I need to talk to you."

I turned towards him, crossing my arms.

"Yeah you keep saying that but you never really tell me what the hell you need to talk to me about."

"I don't know, honestly."

"Then there's nothing to talk about."

He sighs, and shakes his head, looking at the ground. I keep my arms crossed, signifying that I'm mad. Of course I'm mad! He just hit me with his gun and now he expects me to…to forgive him? No. I mean if he had reason, like if I was pointing a loaded gun at his face, I'd forgive him. But I didn't. I pointed an unloaded gun at his tramp's face. She really is a tramp, Gob was right.

"I just feel…like I don't even know you anymore. Like you were dead, and you came back from the dead. It's still new. I never thought you'd come back, after all this time. You act like…like our time together meant nothing."

My jaw dropped. He thinks I take our time together for granted? That I think it meant nothing? Who's the one here with the family? Who's the one who fucking…who…who doesn't even care?

"You don't know me, Charon. I'm different now. You're different. Whatever we had was in the past, before. It might mean something to me, but not as much as it did back then."

"I have things I want to say, but I don't know how."

I roll my eyes, trying not to feel bad for him. I don't want to feel bad for him, I don't want anything to do with him. I know that's a lie, that I do care and that I want everything to do with him. But I won't let myself. Not after he hit me. Not after he blatantly chose Lily over me.

"Then don't say them. I'm going back to the tower. You should get back to Lily before she wanders here, and you have to actually kill me."

"I would never kill you, Dez."

"That's up for argument."

I wave my hand at him, and start walking away. It hurts on the inside, to leave him standing there like that, but what else can I do? There's no other option, and frankly, fighting for someone who doesn't want to fight for you is pointless. In the past, Charon would take a bullet for me. Now, he'd shoot me with that same bullet.

"You once said you'd follow me until I loved you."

He calls, and I turn around. The wind blows, spraying dust and dirt around us. Charon turns to face me, his back to the sun. Even though it's sweltering hot, I feel a chill run down my spine.

"Yeah. I did."

I admit, as he walks closer to me. He stops a few feet away, and I glare up at him, telling him I'm still angry, that he's still not forgiven.

"Why didn't you?"

"Because I know now, you'd never love me. It was a stupid remark, I'm sad that I even said it. I should have known."

"Known what?"

"That this is what I'd come back to."

I light a cigarette, sighing, avoiding his eye contact. Charon doesn't understand, he never has, he never will. Coming back home was a mistake, I see that now in hindsight. He stands in front of me, and I don't know why. I want him to walk away, to leave me alone. I want to be alone. I have been for five years, now is no different.

"Dez, if I had known you'd return, I'd have done things differently."

"I didn't come back with any of the men I fucked in New Vegas."

"I'm aware, I know but…five years."

"Don't try to explain yourself. I don't care."

I ignore his pleas as I walk away. I ignore him calling my name, calling so loudly that anyone around us could hear him. I don't want to hear him, his voice, his treason. I don't care. I've wasted enough of my time and emotions on him. Now, at least I have closure. At least now I know, and maybe I can begin getting over him. Begin my life anew once more. Who knows where it'll take me? I don't. I just want to start this trip to Point Lookout. I want to start it soon, so it can be over sooner. He's saved my life, so many times I can't even count them anymore, but it doesn't mean I owe him anything. It doesn't mean anything now, because I never asked him to save me. I never asked him to stay up late at night with me, keeping me warm, keeping me alive. All the things he did for me, he did because he wanted to. I owe him nothing. I will give him nothing.

But as I think back, back to…to those times…I find I'm grateful he was there. I'm grateful that he was there every night, talking with me, making me laugh, arguing over stupid shit. I didn't ask him to, though, and that's the point. He did it because…I guess because he cared about me. But now he doesn't. Now he cares for Lily, for her and her kid. I'm second rate, walking away will a still-sore cheek. I regret what I did for him. I regret…letting myself believe I mattered to someone out here. It was a mistake, just like me being born.