A/N I really wanted to get this chapter right, so it didn't seem forced, but not sure I have quite achieved it.

June 21st 2013

Ste examined the cut on his lip in the mirror. The bruising and swelling had subsidised but there was still noticeably a nasty gash. Amy walked into the bathroom behind him. Ste could sense she was gearing up for an argument. He sighed resignedly and turned round to face her.

"Ste why are you going to see him?" she asked, shaking her head as she looked at the cut on his lip.

Ste hadn't seen Brendan since the incident in the restaurant at the beginning of the week. Brendan had called incessantly since then, had come round to the flat banging on the front door, even turned up outside of the college on a couple of occasions to try and catch him, but so far Ste had blanked him. Ste knew though that he would not be able to ignore him forever.

He had been struggling all week to make sense of what had happened in his own mind. He accepted that Brendan had not meant to hit him, but as Amy had pointed out that still did not excuse Brendan's use of violence. Ste just could not figure out what this meant for him and Brendan, for their relationship. Amy urged him to finish it, she had said she understood it would be hard but Brendan obviously still had issues, and maybe it was time that Ste realised these issues were insurmountable. She suggested he could take that job in London that Perry had offered him, get away for a bit, get some proper perspective away from Brendan. A fresh start she had called it.

That morning Ste had been surprised to receive a phone call from Cheryl.
"Ste love," she had said, "he needs you. Please?"

Ste knew it was time to face this head on. There could be no more hiding. He dialled Brendan's number.
"Stephen." Brendan answered the phone huskily.
"Can I come over?"
"Yeah, I'll get rid of Cheryl and Lyndsey."

With Amy's words of warning ringing in his ears he made his way over the Brendan's flat. As he waited for Brendan to answer the door, Ste still did not know what he was going to say. Was it a mistake to have come? It was too late now to change his mind as Brendan opened the door.

They stood there just looking at each other for a moment, before Brendan reached out and gently traced the cut on Ste's lip before pulling Ste to him, wrapping him in a tight embrace, burying his face in Ste's hair he murmured "I'm sorry." Then they stood there in the doorway Ste allowing Brendan to hold him, before he finally pulled away, "We need to talk Bren." Ste said as he walked into the flat.

"I thought you had changed," Ste whimpered.
"I have" Brendan said trying to grab as Ste again and pull him closer. Ste just shook him off though, "What were you thinking?" Ste asked.
"Look it was mistake okay?" Brendan replied, kneading at his temples. Brendan needed to stop this, he was losing control he could feel it, he could feel Ste slipping through his fingers.
"You could have seriously hurt someone, you could have gone back to prison," Ste argued.
"Okay okay." Internally Brendan was frantically trying to figure out a way of getting Ste back onside.
"I'm serious Brendan, look I can't have somebody I don't trust near me kids okay?"
"What are you saying?"
"We can only be together if I know this is never going to happen again."
"It won't, I promise, you can trust me Stephen" Brendan replied, desperation creeping into his voice. Ste sighed, was this just another piecrust promise. He did not know anymore. He wanted to believe Brendan more than anything, but he knew from bitter experience that would be foolhardy.
"Stephen?"

Ste passed Brendan a business card, "this is the guy who helped me with my anger management problems, I've called him and he says I can go see him this afternoon. I want you to come with me."

Brendan could hear that familiar ticking in his head, the ticking that meant he was losing control and he did not know how to regain the control. The ticking that had hounded him for the months he and Ste were apart and there seemed to be nothing he could do about it. Here he was again, being given an ultimatum, his freedom of choice being stamped out. To the outside world Brendan normally gave nothing away, but Ste knew him better. He recognised the twitch in Brendan now that gave away the fact he was now fighting some inner demons.

"It's this or nothing." Ste knew he was going to have to be firm, stay strong, if he did not want to get railroaded by Brendan.

Brendan recognised the set determination in Ste's jaw. Brendan knew that Ste often felt weak, but in Brendan's eyes nothing could be further from the truth. He had witnessed Ste bounce back time and again, fight for what he wanted, there was no doubt Ste knew his own mind. It was one of the many attributes Brendan admired in Ste. Loved about him. It was also one of the attributes that drove him most crazy as well. Brendan realised he was not going to win this battle. If he wanted to keep Ste he would have to go along with this. "Okay" he replied to Ste, "I have some stuff I need to do before hand so I will meet you there." He took the card from Ste.

"I mean it Brendan. If you're not there, then we are over."

June 20th 2012

Ste anxiously played with the cuffs of his lightweight jacket as he waited to see if anybody would answer the door. He knocked sharply on the familiar blue door again, it was a little past seven in the evening, Ste wasn't sure if anybody was in. Finally it opened, revealing Brendan in the doorway.
"Stephen" Brendan greeted him.
"Err hi, can I come in?" Ste spoke cautiously.

Brendan remained silent, but stepped back from the door opening it wider, allowing Ste entry. Ste hesitated briefly before stepping into the living area, closing the door behind him.
"To what do I owe this pleasure," Brendan asked, standing arms crossed on the other side of the room by the fireplace.
"I just wanted to say thanks, you know for the other day, for saving Lucas, I didn't really get a chance to at the hospital..."
"Yeah no worries."
"… and to let you know I told Amy the truth about what happened, I didn't need you to lie for me."
"Right."
"So…umm… Amy says thanks as well."
Brendan raised his eyebrows at that piece of information, "Amy knows you're here?"
"Yeah."
An uncomfortable stillness fell over the room.

"Err Lucas did this for you." Ste unfolded a piece of paper from his pocket, covered in messy scribblings. He stepped further into the room, holding the paper out at arms length for Brendan to see, before awkwardness overtook him and he dropped his arm back to his side.

Brendan though had already moved towards where Ste was stood, reaching out to take the piece of paper from him. As Brendan studied it Ste volunteered, "it's a picture of ducks" he tried for small laugh, but it died on his lips, as he tried to make sense of Brendan's expression. Ste could almost swear if he didn't know better that Brendan looked wistful, and his eyes were shimmering, only ever so slightly, but almost with the threat of deeply buried tears.

Brendan sniffed then walked into the kitchen "drink?" he called to Ste as he went. As he passed the fridge he attached Lucas' drawing to it with one of the fridge magnets there, then busied himself filling the kettle with water. Ste paused for a moment stuck by the absurdity of the idea of sitting down for a civilised cup of tea or something with Brendan, but never-the-less followed Brendan into the kitchen and took a seat on one of the bar stools at the breakfast counter. Brendan placed a mug of coffee in front of Ste, before sitting down with his own mug opposite.
"Can I interest you?" Brendan asked holding up a bottle of whiskey, adding a drop to his own coffee. Ste shook his head.

They sat in an awkward silence, Brendan's leg quivering under the table, whilst Ste nervously played with his coffee mug handle. Ste tried to surreptitiously study Brendan. There seemed be an odd air of defeat surrounding him, not something Ste would ever have associated with Brendan before. Brendan was sitting hunched, his eyes shadowed by dark circles, his composed expression looking more forced than usual.

"So Lucas is ok then?" Brendan broke the silence.
"Yeah, good as new" Ste smiled with the memory of the havoc Lucas had caused that morning.
"Good, that's good" Brendan nodded, lapsing into silence and taking another gulp of his 'Irish' coffee.
"What's goin' on?" Ste asked Brendan, fully expecting to be rebuffed, and was surprised when Brendan answered him.
"Eileen's engaged."

Ste was confused, he assumed Brendan was not harbouring feelings towards his ex-wife, last he knew they were barely on speaking terms. But what did he really know though Ste realised, he and Brendan were hardly close anymore, hadn't been for months. "How do Declan and Padraig feel about it?"

The mournful expression from earlier passed over Brendan's face. He didn't answer Ste's question directly, "Padraig sent me a Father's Day card." Ste had already noticed a card stuck to the fridge, and had assumed it must be from Declan and Padraig. "What about Declan?" Ste asked.

Brendan abruptly stood up from the breakfast counter, the shutters slamming down again "this," he said "has been nice," waving his hand dismissively.

"Brendan, what about Declan?" Ste persevered, unmoved by Brendan's sudden actions. Brendan sank back down on to the stool, and poured some more whiskey into his cup.
"Brendan?" Ste questioned more tentatively, his hand reflexively reaching out to touch Brendan's where it rested on the worktop before remembering himself, and letting it fall back into his lap. Brendan rubbed at the bridge of his nose, looking down into his drink.
"He's still mad at me."
"Why?"

Then Brendan relayed the whole sorry story to Ste, what had happened those five months ago when Declan had returned to Belfast. How he had tried to make Declan see he deserved a better Dad than what he could be. How he had had to push Declan away, hurt him to protect him, because he thought that was the right thing to do. Ste sat there, quietly, just listening as Brendan spoke of his pain at failing to be a good father, how he was scared that as Padraig got older he would lose him as well.
"Have you tried talking to Declan about this?" Ste suggested.
"He's just a kid he won't understand."
"He's a smart kid."
There was another pregnant pause. Ste thought perhaps he should leave now whilst he was still ahead, so to speak. As he slid off the edge of the stool Brendan's hand shot out and grabbed him by the wrist.

Ste looked in shock at Brendan, ready to shout the odds, but Brendan's eyes were imploring, pleading, desperate for Ste to stay, and full of those unshed tears again. It occurred to Ste perhaps he should feel scared, but something, he was not sure what, but something compelled him to stay. Perhaps because he did not want to think of Brendan sitting here, drinking alone. Perhaps because Brendan looked so utterly broken, in a way Ste had never seen him before, and Ste knew what it felt like to be that broken, to the point where all hope is lost. Perhaps because that same energy that had always drawn him towards Brendan was still holding him there even now. He calmly took his seat back on the stool again. He pushed his coffee mug towards Brendan and nodded at the bottle of whiskey, "I'll have a drop then."

Brendan passed Ste the mug filled with a dram of whiskey and watched as Ste winced as it burned a path down his throat. Brendan could already feel the familiar comforting warmth of the alcohol he had drunk relaxing him as it began to spread through his body.

"I'm losing them Stephen, my sons, I'm losing them, just like I lost you." As Brendan said these words he looked into Ste's eyes, like he was attempting to burn a path into Ste's soul. Ste felt his breath hitch, his heartbeat pick up a notch, and along with the disorientating effects of the alcohol began to feel unsteady in his seat.

"Uh I think I should go." Ste spoke uncertainly, but he remained unmoved, eyes fixed on Brendan. A static charge hung in the air. It was something Ste had never experienced with anybody else before Brendan. Sure he had had nervous butterflies in his stomach, something he had mistaken for love before he met Brendan, but with Brendan his whole body hummed with excitement and anticipation.

Ste briefly wondered whether this was just a sob story designed to by Brendan to manipulate Ste, to get him where Brendan wanted him. No Ste knew Brendan loved his kids. That was the one thing he had always been sure of. Brendan stood up from his stool and walked around the counter to where Ste was sitting. He gently cupped Ste's face in his hands and bent his head kissing him softly, then pulling back, studying Ste, checking his reaction.

Ste knew what he should do. He should get up and leave. But he didn't. Instead he tipped his head up pressing his lips to Brendan's. The kiss was slow, sensual, not something he had ever experienced with Brendan before. Ste could feel himself sinking into it. There was a salty taste in on his tongue, and Ste realised that Brendan's silent tears were mingling with their lips. Brendan's arm snaked around Ste's body, pulling him closer, until he pulled Ste right off the stool. Ste wrapped his legs around Brendan's waist to help him support his weight. Then Brendan carried him into the bedroom.

June 21st 2013

Ste passed back and forth before the large glass door. He checked his watch again, then his mobile. No word from Brendan and he was now half an hour late. Ste feared he was going to have to face the facts, Brendan was not going to show up. Ste took one last desperate glance up and down the road, searching for any sight of Brendan. Nothing. He sank onto the concrete step where he was standing. Brendan had not loved him enough to come. Ste tried to stifle a sob which threatened to erupt. He refused to waste any more tears on that man. He was powerless to stop them though as he sat there crying, alone, his heart screaming. He did not notice the passer-bys on the street who threw him concerned glances, he did not notice that the sky had clouded over and that rain-drops had begun to fall, he did not notice the figure who sat down next to him, until they put an arm around him drawing him closer.

It was Amy. "Come on Ste, you need to get out of the rain."
Ste tried to shake her off, he just wanted to be let be, but Amy grabbed his hand giving it a hard squeeze and a tug, "please Ste." Ste allowed Amy to pull him up from the ground and she guided him over to a white transit van. Dodger was sitting at the wheel, and leant over to help Amy get Ste onto the passenger seat.
"Thanks Mark." Amy said.
"He's in a bit of a state in't he?"

Amy just nodded looking worried. Ste seemed to settle down a bit as Dodger drove them back to Hollyoaks but did not say a word as Amy just held his hand tightly. As they drew closer to Hollyoaks Ste stated in a monotone voice "you were right Amy, he didn't come, it's over." Amy cuddled Ste to her, he let his head fall onto her shoulder, where she began to soothingly stroke his hair. "I know Cheryl called me." It hadn't occurred to Ste up to that point how Amy knew to come find him, but suddenly his ears pricked up. Amy knew why Brendan hadn't shown up?
"What?" Ste asked
"Cheryl called me to say Brendan'd left her a message, he's gone to Belfast."

So Brendan had chosen to run away Ste realised. He had chosen not to fight for their relationship, instead like the coward he was he had run away.