You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams

Chapter 10

Kate watches in horror as his body falls to the ground. Whiteness surrounds them, and she thinks maybe it's snowing, because it's so beautiful, but then she hears a ticking and she spins in a circle, only to find herself trapped in a metal box. Turning back to the limp form only metres away, she watches as blood slowly seeps out of the wound to his chest, and with a hoarse cry she runs towards him. It takes her a few moments to realise that no matter how fast she runs, she isn't getting any closer. It's like she's on a treadmill, going nowhere, but losing strength with every step. He's just out of reach, and she raises a frozen hand towards him, calling his name. He doesn't answer and she doesn't expect him too, she's been here before, and he never answers. He's so close, and she just can't...just can't reach him, and all she wants is to touch him. She calls his name again, knows it's futile, knows she's screaming-

Her own startled cry wakes her, and Kate sits up in bed, sweat dripping down her face. Her stomach rolls and she leaps out of the bed, only just making it to the bathroom before dry heaving into the toilet. Nothing comes out, and she doesn't expect anything to, but she can't stop retching. Tears are blurring her vision and she can hardly breathe, her whole body is trembling with terror. Maybe it's minutes later, maybe hours, she doesn't know or care, but the roller coast of queasiness in her stomach finally settles. She wants to lie on the cool tiles and sleep, wait till the burning in her stomach and throat has faded, but she can see the bathroom door is open, can see the man she loves sleeping peacefully on her bed. He's alive, he's alive, he's alive. It's like a chant, on a continuous loop in her head. He can't see her like this. She's surprised she didn't wake him, but then she always figured he'd be a deep sleeper.

Gathering what little strength she had left, she manages to stand, avoids looking in the mirror as she moves to close the bathroom door. Her hands are shaking like a junkie in withdrawal as she pulls her soaked shirt off her body and steps into the shower stall. Her vision is still blurry, her face wet from tears, but she manages to grip and twist the faucet. Cold water hits her body, and even though she meant for hot, she doesn't have the energy to adjust the temperature. She tries to be strong, tries to hold herself up, but the image of his limp body lying in a pool of blood has her knees buckling. The freezing water stings her skin as she slides down the wall, bringing her knees to her chest. Her tears mix with the running water, her laboured breathing mercifully drowned out, so all she can hear is her own mantra he's alive, he's alive, he's alive.

Castle wakes to someone tapping his shoulder, and he rolls away, hoping the annoyance will vanish. He feels the bed dip, hears a huff and then it's like an earthquake has hit, his whole body is being rattled.

"Whaaaaat?"

Swatting the hands away, he blinks wearily, surprised to see Alexis sitting beside his hip, concern etched across her pale face. A glance at the clock tells him its only 2a.m, and he knows something must be wrong for her to be waking him at this time.

"Pumpkin, what's wrong?"

His daughter's eyes shoot to the closed bathroom door, and after a moment he hears the water running. Looking to his side, he sees Kate is no longer in bed with him.

Turning back to his baby, he watches as she picks nervously at the ribbon on her pyjama pants. "Kate was...uh, she was retching for a while. That's what woke me. The water has been going for almost an hour and I thought...maybe you should check on her?"

Sitting up in bed, Castle can see by the distress in his daughter's eyes that she's definitely worried, which has his own stomach clenching nervously.

"You go back to bed, sweetheart. I'll go see, I'm sure she's okay."

He wasn't sure at all. Kate had been fine when they'd fallen asleep. Shuffling to the bathroom door, his hand is ready to knock when Alexis' voice stops him.

"Dad...?" She sounds so hesitant, so young. He makes a mental note to talk to her about his...developing relationship with Kate.

"Mmm?"

"Kate...Kate has stopped drinking coffee, and she's been napping a lot, and now she's throwing up...I just thought, maybe...well..." Alexis trails off, one hand waving anxiously. She doesn't need to finish her sentence, Castle has already figured out what she was trying to say, and it feels as though his stomach has hit the floor. He wants to climb back into bed and pretend his daughter's suspicions weren't possible. But God, maybe she was right, and he'd been so caught up he hadn't seen it. He can't form the words to console her, thank her for caring about Kate, instead he turns back to the bathroom and without knocking, enters.

Castle has seen a lot in his life, but he never wants to see the sight that's before his eyes again. He closes the bathroom door behind him, not wanting Alexis to see, and grabs the thick towel hanging from the doorhandle. Sitting on the tiled floor, her naked skin almost translucent, Kate hasn't noticed him enter. Her whole body is shaking, from the cold or from something else, Castle isn't quite sure. He doesn't want to startle her, so as slowly, gently as possible he opens the door to the shower stall, reaches across and switches off the water. She shudders, but doesn't acknowledge him. He kneels down in front of her, ignoring the coldness on his knees, and drapes the towel across her shivering body.

"Kate?"

She doesn't respond, so he touches her chin, tilts her head upwards. "Jesus, Kate." Her face is white, made starker by the puffy redness around her eyes and the blue tinge to her lips. Her glassy eyes focus on his, and she reaches up, her icy fingers stroking across his cheek.

"Castle?" She whispers, her eyes closing briefly before opening, almost like she doesn't believe he's really there.

"Yeah, sweetheart. C'mon, let me help you warm up."

He wraps the towel tighter around her, before lifting her into his arms. He almost slips on the wet tiles, but manages to find his balance as he moves out of the shower stall. Nudging the bathroom door with his foot, he's thankful when the latch gives way and he makes his way into Kate's bedroom. A split second decision has him veering away from the bed, instead heading out of her room and towards the stairs. Her body is still shaking, his own arms are straining to hold her tight, and he eyes the stairs wearily. He can do this. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he steadily makes his way down the stairs. He wants to fist pump when he reaches the bottom, but the body curled in his arms takes priority.

As soon as he reaches his bedroom he places her on his bed, leaving her side for seconds to turn the heat up and grab his thick blue robe.

"Kate, honey?" He kneels back in front of her, strokes the damp hair off her forehead.

"You're ok?" He doesn't know what she means, but he nods, and her face relax slightly.

"Yeah, sweetie, I'm fine. But you're freezing." He doesn't ask for permission, knows he doesn't need to. Over the past few days there's been a delicate shift in their relationship and they've crossed their 'hands off' boundaries. He takes the towel from her shoulders, uses it to gently dry her arms and legs, her stomach and chest. He keeps his eyes on hers though, watches for any sign of discomfort, but there is none. Her eyes stay locked on his, but he can't decipher the look behind them. When he's sure she's mostly dry he grabs the robe and wraps it around her body, knowing he's made the right choice when she pulls the material to her nose and inhales the scent. His scent.

He pushes on her shoulder until she's lying down, pulls the blanket up to her neck, and then climbs into his bed next to her. She turns to face him, and he mimics her position. Her knees are curled upwards and they press into his stomach, but he flattens them, pulls her body until it's pressed against his own, their heads sharing the same pillow.

The panic, the anxiety and the worry that had been rolling through his body for the last ten minutes finally begins to ebb away as her eyes clear, as she smiles faintly at him.

"Kate?"

She doesn't answer, instead finds his hand and clutches it to her chest. He hardly trusts his voice to sound detached, but the question is burning a hole through his stomach. "Kate, are you...are you pregnant?"

She laughs. She honest to God laughs and it's the most amazing sound he's heard since Alexis let out her first wail. He takes her response as a no and presses his lips to hers in relief. Even if she'd said yes, he would have stayed by her side, done anything to make her happy, but the thought of her carrying a baby that wasn't his hurt just a little.

"I'm definitely not pregnant, Castle." She whispers against his lips, pulling back, her eyes searching his. He keeps his face carefully blank, not wanting her to see his dreams of a future.

"You'd be a good mom, though."

She takes a moment to reply, focuses her attention on the collar of his shirt. "I don't think so."

"I do." He cuts off her retort because they could go back and forth all night, and stills her fiddling hands as they play with the hem of his sleeve. "Why were you crying, Kate?"

Kate wants to tell him the truth, spill every awful, gruesome detail of her nightmares, but he doesn't deserve that burden. His body is so warm against hers, and she can feel her trembling begin to dissipate. She presses closer, buries her head in the crook of his neck. The image of his dead body passes through her mind and she stifles the sob that wants to escape her throat. She can't fight this on her own anymore, she knows that.

"Castle-" She chokes on his name, wonders how she's even going to get the words out without crumbling. Like he's always been able to do, he finishes her sentence. "It's the nightmares, isn't it?"

Kate nods against his neck, takes a calming breath as his fingers comb through her hair. "Most of the time we're in the freezer, the timer on the dirty bomb is counting down somewhere in the background, but you've already been shot. The first few times I didn't know by whom, but lately I look down and find I'm the one holding the gun. I try to reach you, help you, but I can't. I never can. You die, and it's my fault."

Kate can feel his chest rising and falling against her own, and she pulls back, not surprised to see his mouth ready to tell her it's not her fault. Before he can, she places her hand across his lips and he kisses her palm.

"Rick, I feel like its nightmares from the past mixed with an omen of the future. My job is going to get you killed. I know it, and I can't live with that."

"Kate, no."

There's panic in his voice, and rightly so. He knows where this is going. She moves her hand from his mouth, grips his neck, anchoring herself to him. She doesn't want to do this, but knows she has to.

"You can't shadow me anymore, Rick." From the look on his face, Kate knows he realises there's nothing he can say to change her mind.

"I'm doing this for you, Rick. For Alexis. She needs her Dad, your Mom needs her son, and your fans need their writer."

"Kate-"

"But most of all Rick, most selfishly of all, I need you."

TBC

Sorry about the delay in updating, friends. Had my engagement party over the weekend (a success, thankfully!) which was very time consuming!

You've been so amazing with all your reviews, let me know what you thought of this chapter =)