A/N Thanks to everybody who read and reviewed the last chapter - especially those who sent condolences for my laptop. It took me 36hrs of restarts and messing around, but I've managed to resurrect it for now :).

This update is extra long because I couldn't find a good place to split it. Because of this I can't promise there'll be another update on Saturday as I'm away for the next couple of days. I will do my best though.

Anyway, without further ado, here's your next chapter :)

10

Em finds me as I wander across the lawn, admiring the colorful flowers adorning Esme's plants.

"What're you doing out here all alone?" he asks, putting his arm around me. I look up and he's smiling, cheeks dimpling adorably. I reach up and run my thumb across one, smiling myself.

"Just getting some fresh air and enjoying the sunshine. It was feeling a little crowded back there."

"Not avoiding my mom then? I saw you leave when she came over."

A cold dart of panic rushes through my body at the thought he was watching Edward and me, before I realize he was unlikely to be here with his arm around me and a grin on his face if he saw anything. Besides, really, what was there to see?

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Maybe I imagined the whole thing with the way Esme looked at us too.

Ugh. Or maybe not.

You've done nothing wrong, I scold myself. Thoughts. They're only thoughts.

About my boyfriend's brother.

I realize Em just said something to me and I have no idea what. My brow furrows as I search my brain unsuccessfully for some kind of auditory memory of his words.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He turns me around, a hand on each of my arms as he examines my face carefully.

"Uh, I don't know. Maybe I'm coming down with something." Now I'm lying to cover up the fact my thoughts are wandering away with someone else. When did I become that girl? "I think I'll sit out here for a while, the fresh air might help. You should go back inside."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, absolutely. I'm fine."

He doesn't look convinced, but finally he tells me he'll be back to check on me, and heads inside.

There's a bench some way down the yard, hidden by tall ornamental grasses. I touch it gently to make sure it's dry, then I sit down.

It's pretty close to heaven down here; no people noise, warm sun, birdsong. I lean back and close my eyes.

"Hey."

I'm relaxed and the voice is soft, so I don't jump. I open my eyes, squinting gently as they adjust.

"Em said you weren't feeling too good. I brought you this."

Edward sits down beside me and passes me the glass of water he was holding.

"Thanks." I lift the cold glass to my lips and take a drink, trying to ignore the fact that his arm is almost touching mine.

"Are you okay?" he asks. I risk looking up at him and he's pulling off this whole concerned prettiness thing that makes my stomach drop and my heart leap. I think to myself that I'm less okay now, in such close proximity to him, than I was when I was sitting here alone.

"Yeah, I think so. I feel better already," I tell him untruthfully as I set the glass down on the floor.

A comfortable silence falls over us, and I notice the birdsong that I'd stopped paying attention to as soon as he arrived, is still going on. I spend a moment thinking that it's kind of the way life in general has a habit of continuing without you when you look away for a moment.

"You know, you never answered my question," he says after a while.

I look at him again, confused, because I'm sure I told him I was feeling okay. He smiles at me.

"I mean on Facebook last week. After you asked if I was happy."

"Oh. I didn't see it," I tell him. "I didn't even know you'd replied, you went offline when I asked."

I don't add that I thought maybe I'd offended him, because the fact he's talking about it and telling me he replied, means that clearly I hadn't.

"What was your answer?" I ask, turning slightly so I can see him better.

"Sometimes," he says. "Always with Lucy, occasionally with Bree. I don't recognize her most of the time since Lucy was born. I thought maybe she had some kind of post-partum depression, but she saw the doctor and she ruled it out. I don't know what to think any more."

He's looking down at his hands in his lap. I think how sad he looks and I'm tempted to hug him.

But I don't.

"Are you?" He looks up suddenly, and I'm totally unprepared for the way he looks at me, all deep green eyes, golden flecks shining where the sunlight catches them. "Happy, I mean."

"I was," I tell him, forcing myself to look away. "I sometimes have no idea now. With Em these days, it's like he's drifted away somewhere and I'm clueless how to pull him back."

It's the first time I've admitted it to myself, and getting it out in the open overwhelms me in a way I never expected. Tears well up and overflow, and the fingers I'd raised to dab the droplets from the corners of my eyes, swipe at the gentle streams making their way quickly down my cheeks instead.

Edward says nothing, but he lifts an arm, puts it around my shoulders and holds me to him. I rest my head on his chest and feel for all the world as though this place has waited for me my whole life. I feel a panicky tightness begin to build in my chest, but as I take a deep breath and the smell of him fills my lungs, it dissipates, taking my tears with it.

I'm unwilling to move and Edward doesn't seem to mind. His hand stays on my arm, his fingers shifting gently on my skin in small, soothing movements. It makes me wish the rest of the world would fall away for a while so I could savor the moment properly.

But that's not how life works, and when we hear voices approaching, I push myself upright and shift along the bench so there's a respectable gap between us.

I chance a look at his face and it's showing exactly what I'm feeling. Senses of loss and longing wind their way through me, scraping away at my gut and prodding at my heart. My fingers ache with the urge to reach out, and then at the last moment, his do just that. His hand pushes across the small space between us and he tangles his fingers in mine.

Shallow breaths are all I can manage, as he leans in toward me. I think he's going to kiss me and I'm still arguing with myself over whether I'll let him, when he twists his head at the last minute and dips his face into my neck. I lean my head into his and hear his breathing stutter for a moment.

He moves away again before I've got used to him being there, and I know my cheeks are still flushed when a middle-aged couple I don't recognize, come into view. We see them before they see us, which gives me precious extra seconds to compose myself.

And yet I feel we've crossed a line this afternoon. I'm not sure all the time in the world will be enough to really compose myself again after this

I breathe deeply. For the first time, I'm actually grateful for Em's self-imposed emotional distance.

~RH~