A/N: A SUPER long chapter to make up for all the time we made you wait! We're so sorry it took this long! Hopefully that won't happen again. I was super busy with the end of school and final exams and Defygravity09 just got back from a vacation and has work and what-not. We hope now to have more time to write again, because we've really REALLY missed it. We hope you like this chapter because we worked very hard on it and had a lot of fun with it!
We also want to apologize in advance-it was a very long chapter and we do go through and edit it but some things get overlooked or missed, so if there are a lot of grammatical mistakes, we're sorry!
Tell us what you think!
xo, Hayleynymphadora and Defygravity09
Chapter 10: Trust
Cassandra woke up ready to kill somebody. It was four in the morning—four in the fucking morning—and her head had woken up her up five times already. They had fallen asleep around midnight. Five times in four hours was just too much to handle. She felt like her head was ready to explode. She thought she was going to be sick. Her throat physically burned for the thing she hadn't been allowed to have in days. DAYS. She couldn't do it. She loved Shelby—God did she love the woman so much—but she couldn't put up with this anymore. She simply wasn't strong enough.
She got out of bed and left the room, pacing the living room heatedly.
No, she told herself heatedly. No, you will NOT give up on this, Cassandra July. Shelby's doing it because she loves you. You're doing it because you love her. You have to stop. You have no reason to drink anymore. Shelby's back. She's here to stay.
But what if she leaves again? Face it, July. One drink won't hurt.
She trusts you!
Can you still trust her? After everything that's happened?
Yes! You can and you do! You can't do it!
You have to do it. Another day will finish you. If the drinking won't drive her away, your aggressiveness definitely will. Drink the damn alcohol. DO IT.
Her mind argued with her for god only knows how long until finally the sun started to rise, beams of light shed through the window and onto her, making her head spin; making her squint her eyes in disgust. Why was it always so bright in the mornings? Who the hell gave the sun permission to make her headache worse?
That was it.
She turned to see if Shelby was behind her—she wasn't. But she knew she only had a bit of time before Shelby woke. This would maybe even be a good thing, Cass thought, because then she wouldn't have enough time to drink more than one.
Just one. It was all she needed. Just a pick-me-up. It wasn't that much of a set-back. This is what she tried to convince herself with as she pulled herself up onto the kitchen counter and started searching Shelby's cupboards for any kind of alcohol—vodka, in particular, would be fantastic. She found it after what seemed like ages and went to pull the bottle out.
Shelby woke up before she could even open it.
The brunette stood, stretching. She had been shocked and admittedly upset that Cassie wasn't greeting her in bed in the morning. She wondered what the blonde was doing up so early, especially on a Sunday. It was the last day of the weekend and she knew how much Cass detested waking up for classes all week—she usually used to weekend to relax.
Cautiously, Shelby walked out of the bedroom and down the hallway. "Cass?" she called through the halls and got no response. She was hoping to god that Cassie hadn't left. They had one more day to spend with each other before they both had work to do all week. She was amazed that their schedules were open enough for even weekend time periods. "Cassie?" she would have left a note if she was going to leave…right?
Hearing Shelby's innocent "I just woke up but I'm still sexy as hell" voice, Cass winced and set the bottle back down, trying not to slam the cupboard shut as she slid off of the counter just in time for Shelby to walk into the kitchen. Shelby had heard the cupboard shut and smiled at the fact that Cassie was still in her apartment. She was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that they were back together again.
"Hey baby," Shelby was completely oblivious, making Cassandra feel extra super guilty and like she could pound her head against the wall for almost disappointing the wonderful and beautiful woman that stood in front of her. "How long have you been up?" Shelby asked.
With a stretch, Cassandra muttered, "An hour…three…five…" and she rubbed her eyes and head ferociously. Why wouldn't the pain and pressure just go away? Why did the ghosts of her past insist on haunting her when life was just getting so much better again? Couldn't she just let the past go? Apparently it was a task easier said than done.
Shelby raised an eyebrow. It was interesting that Cassandra was either trying to hide how long she had been awake or really wasn't sure. Neither one seemed very promising. "Those are huge time gaps," she dead panned. "What's going on?"
Of course Shelby never beat around the bush. She hid it straight on. With passion.
"I can't sleep," Cassandra confessed, running her shaking hands through her long, wavy, knotted hair and pulling it up into a pony tail. "I can't do it, and I can't sit still."
Shelby sighed, understanding that Cass was going through withdrawals. She knew it had to be difficult, and was frankly amazed that Cassie had made it this long without a drink. She thought about it some more and mentally smacked her head. Of course—why had she been so stupid? Of course Cassandra was trying to get to her alcohol stash when Shelby had walked in. Or she was just putting it back, but judging from the sweat dripping down Cassandra's forehead and the fact that she couldn't sit still, or sleep, and she seemed super on edge, made Shelby believe that Cassandra hadn't actually in fact made it to the alcohol. Shelby had woken up at an opportune time, apparently.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa baby…what's wrong?" she tried to pull Cassie close, wanting her to try to talk it out instead of immediately rushing to the alcohol to solve her problems. She knew she was treading on thin ice.
Cassandra stiffened at Shelby's touch and Shelby knew that things were really bad. "I need it, Shelby. I need a drink. I have to have it."
Cass felt rotten for saying it, she really did. But it just couldn't be avoided anymore. Shelby just didn't understand.
"No." Shelby got stern, backing up a bit and shaking her head, taking Cass firmly by the hands. "You're doing great, baby, why give up now?"
"I'm doing horrible!" Cassandra barked out, almost at a bitter laugh. "I can't focus! I can't sleep! I feel constantly nauseous, I can't do it, Shelby!"
"Yes, you can, and I will help you," Shelby kissed her cheek, her lips lingering. It relaxed Cassandra for a moment.
It really was a shame that moments couldn't last forever.
"You can't expect me to on like this! How am I supposed to teach?" she questioned, leaning against the counter for support and holding her head in her hands.
Shelby hadn't thought about that, those poor students. Her poor Rachel…
"I don't know," the question had actually taken her off guard to the point where she couldn't respond for the first time in a long time. "But we'll figure it out together."
Shaking, because she was tired of being a disappointment to everyone around her, because she was afraid Shelby was going to leave again, because she didn't know what to do and she was vulnerable for the first time since Shelby left, Cassandra said, "I—Shelby, I can't—"
Slowly, Shelby took Cass into the living room, sitting her down on the couch. But the woman smelled too familiarly like the "new" Cassie—the one who had locked herself away in isolation and drank herself into oblivion. "Baby, what's that smell?" Shelby dared. "Is that…" Shelby stood up and accused, "Whiskey?!"
"No!" Cassandra WISHED it was whiskey. That would mean she had actually gotten to open the bottle before Shelby walked in on her.
Shelby knew inside that Cass hadn't been drinking. She didn't smell whiskey, either. But this was quite possibly the only way to get the woman to talk—when she was defensive.
"Then what is it?!" Shelby continued.
"It's…Shelby, baby, I didn't drink any of it I swear—"
Shelby placed her hands on her hips in the "Cassandra July don't you DARE think of lying to me" way and Cassandra finally broke.
"I can't do it! You don't understand! You've never understood!" Cassandra stood up and yelled.
Oh so that's what this was all about? Shelby was astounded. Of COURSE she didn't understand. She had never been an alcoholic. She had never been as isolated as Cass ever made herself, even if she did come pretty damn close. But she had always ALWAYS made an effort to at least attempt to understand, for Cassie.
"I'M TRYING!" she insisted.
Cass put her hands in her hair and Shelby worried the poor woman might actually succeed on yanking it out. "YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TH ROUGH IT, SHELBY!"
Shelby took a step back, her heart pounding and shattering. Cassandra was right; maybe she hadn't been trying hard enough. Maybe there was more to this than Shelby had realized. How narcissistic of her to think that Cass had only started drinking because she left. There had to be more factors involved, right?
She took a step forward, cautiously. "Then help me to, Cassie." She said, her voice pained.
Cass looked into Shelby's scared green eyes, frantically. Her head was throbbing, her mind about to be lost, and her gut tightening. Never had she been so afraid in her life. She couldn't stand this feeling and wanted to blame Shelby—GOD did she want to blame Shelby for doing this to her. She didn't have feelings for anything until Shelby came back into her life. Without Shelby, she knew how to keep her emotions in check. But with Shelby…
"I don't know how!" she broke down into frustrated and nervous sobs, for she hadn't the will to hold them back any longer. She let herself be pulled into Shelby's embrace and cried into the woman's chest; sobs that shook her whole body and made her chest hurt as she tried to get a breath in and could barely manage.
"Okay... It's okay, baby, try to breathe," Shelby rubbed Cassandra's back softly, making soft circle patterns with her nails, the way she knew Cassie liked it. She held her tightly, helping her to let go of all of the pain and hurt she had been going through. Shelby knew she had to give the woman a break. She reminded herself, with serious agony, that just because she was raised to be stone cold and perfect, doesn't mean she had to instill that upon other people. She knew now, much later on in life, that mistakes had to be made before things could be fixed—that things always had to get worse before they ever got better. "Okay, Cassie," she sighed heavily. "One drink."
Sniffling, Cassandra opened her eyes—they widened to the size of softballs, so it felt. Was Shelby for real? Or was she just testing her? To see if she would so easily give in and fuck everything up all over again?
"…Really?" she sniffed again and looked up at Shelby, testing the waters.
"Yes." Shelby felt defeated but what else could she do? Cass couldn't live like this, and neither could Shelby. Cass was doing the absolute best she could do to please her, and that was really all she could ever ask. She remembered how badly she despised her parents for pushing her into things she knew she wasn't capable of doing. She recalled how many times she broke before she managed to get out…before they died.
Cassandra immediately recognized Shelby's sense of defeat—how she knew the brunette detested the feeling. "Shelby, baby, I…the last thing I want to do is hurt you, it's just that—"
"I know, Cassie. Go, before I change my mind."
Wiping a last tear, Cassandra moved away from Shelby and headed rather quickly towards the cupboard in the kitchen that contained the "hidden" whiskey bottle. As she uncapped it, she inhaled in desire. She felt better already just smelling it. How she would miss it again, once it was reclaimed.
Shelby remained on the couch as her girlfriend went, unable to fathom watching it take place. She had been sober for days…and now she was back to square one.
She took slow, calming breaths. It was a work in progress, she told herself. Eventually things would get better.
Cassandra tried to sip it slowly and savor it, aware this situation was rare—a delicacy; but try as she might she couldn't. It tasted amazing but it helped only a little—she knew it wouldn't last, and it wasn't nearly as good a feeling as being completely drunk, but she considered herself extremely lucky and took what she was able to get. After finishing her glass, guiltily, she made her way back out to Shelby. True, she had made herself feel better for a minute, but at what cost? If she was going to lose Shelby over this, she knew it wasn't worth it. She just had to figure out how to get rid of it completely—what Shelby didn't understand was the fact that it couldn't be done cold turkey; not with Cassandra July. Everything had to be taken in steps. Baby steps.
Shelby rolled her eyes at Cassandra as the blonde slowly, hesitantly walked towards her. She understood why Cassandra felt the need to drink, that didn't mean she was happy with the addiction. It wasn't healthy. Not in the slightest. And if Shelby had anything to do with it, it WOULD stop.
"Please don't roll your eyes at me, baby." Cassandra pleaded, sitting so close to Shelby she was practically on the brunette's lap. Shelby willed her body not to react. That didn't mean her body listened. Cass wrapped her legs around Shelby's waist, facing her. Shelby unintentionally blushed—Cassandra's touch had always been one of her few weaknesses. Along with Cassandra's everything—look, sound, feel, smell…
Oh, but her touch…
"I can make it up to you," Cassandra said. For the first time ever, she didn't say it seductively. There was no tone of flirtation in her voice. There was no "sex will make this all better" implication at all. She sounded so genuine—sincerely sorry—that it caught Shelby completely off guard. She managed to stammer a,
"How?"
After contemplating it, Cassandra gave a widespread grin. She knew just the thing to fix them. It had always worked before. It was romantic. It was a place they shared together—some place better than the bridge. It had always been their favorite. So many memories had taken place there. It would make them feel like love-struck teenagers all over again.
"I'll take you to the best place in the whole world," Cass was vague, not wanting to ruin the surprise. "If you go get ready right now, we can spend all day there…"
Shelby told herself she wouldn't give in. Outwardly, she didn't. On the inside, she had already melted, thinking of a few spots that Cassie could have in mind. "No. I'm not going anywhere with you like this." She stayed stoic.
"Like what?" Cass protested. "I'm not drunk, babe, I promise it takes way more than one glass to take down Cassandra July," she winced at her own remark, almost 100% positive that was the exact WRONG thing to say. She tried again. "Please, baby, you'll love it. It'll fix us."
"Are we broken, Cassie?" Shelby asked in a soft voice. Her tone broke Cassandra's heart. Why, oh why, did Shelby always have this effect on her? Why was Shelby the only thing—the only being—who could break the walls of hard-ass-July and make her feel so human? So real? So living?
"Of course not…"
"But we need fixing?" Shelby asked the question against her better judgment—she already knew the answer. Of course they needed fixing. They needed strengthening. Their love to be recaptured all over again—for things to be like they were before.
"Please, Shelby."
Shelby thought for a moment. "Please what, Cassie?"
After a sigh, Cass continued, taking Shelby's shoulders with her hands. "Please, just come with me. We can be US again. Isn't that what you want?"
Shelby's beautiful green eyes sparkled with a glimmer of hope as she answered, "Yes. More than anything."
Placing a soft, lingering kiss on Shelby's temple, Cass smiled, "Go get ready for me?"
"Sure." They both got up and Shelby went to her bedroom to get dressed.
As an afterthought, Cassandra called after her, "Something you don't mind getting wet!" immediately, she cringed at her own wording. There was no way to tell her to put on a bathing suit without giving up where they were going. "Fuck it. We're going to the beach, baby."
From the bedroom, Shelby laughed until she choked. "Nice one, Cass."
Cassie laughed with her, because it was kind of funny. "Oh, shut up, you." She went into Shelby's bedroom (because she had to be dressed by now, right? And even if she wasn't, Cass certainly didn't mind…) and looked around for something of Shelby's she could put on. She didn't want to go all the way home to put on her own clothes. However as she did this, she did realize she hadn't been home all weekend, and would have to go back that night so she could teach the next day. After a bit of drawer digging, she discovered a simple black bikini, ripped jean shorts, and a see through white t shirt. She stripped and put the items on while Shelby was in the bathroom fixing her hair.
Her lover walked back into the room wearing a pair of blue jean shorts and a purple tank top. Cass gave Shelby another sigh, "Please tell me you're wearing a bathing suit on under that?"
Shelby laughed. "Duh, but I'm not going to wear JUST a bathing suit."
"I was just making sure…" Cass threw her hands up in the official, "I'm innocent" gesture.
"Okay, so let's go," Shelby was having a hard time containing her excitement. It had been a long LONG time since she and Cassie had gone to the beach. She missed the old duo that they used to be.
Obeying, Cass walked out to the living room, towards the front door, and grabbed the keys off of the hook, absentmindedly taking Shelby's hand as they headed out the door and towards the parking garage down the street to retrieve Shelby's car. As she started to drive, Cass pulled her sunglasses up and sat them on top of her head, casting a glance at Shelby, who was staring out her window. After a spell of silence, Shelby had to ask,
"So why the beach?"
She wasn't entirely sure why she had asked—she knew what the answer would be. Perhaps it was just for verification. To remind herself that Cassie remembers just as well as she does—that their incredible first relationship wasn't just a dream.
Fumbling for words, Cass couldn't answer right away. She wanted to word this correctly, but knew she probably wouldn't be able to say exactly what she wanted to—Shelby was the one who always sounded like an English major. There was a specific reason why she chose the beach, but she wasn't sure she wanted to just bluntly come out and say it. Surely Shelby remembered, right?
"We always loved the beach…it was our escape. We always had the most fun there. Where we ran to…even when we weren't supposed to." She hoped it was enough of a hint for Shelby to not ask again. They were about to make things better, and Cass didn't want to toy with dark waters. Not right now.
Shelby smiled at the memories of running off to the beach with Cassandra. There were numerous times they did so. Her heart leapt and she reached over to grab Cassie's hand. Cass squeezed Shelby's hand once Shelby took it and smiled warmly, continuing.
"Nobody could ever stop us from going there, you remember? They managed to find us anywhere else, but not the beach. Never the beach. It was our only solitude."
"Yeah," Shelby whispered softly. "I remember."
A cool breeze blew through Cassie's window, sweeping her long blonde hair to the side and in front of her face. Since she sort of needed her eyes to see the road, she rolled the window up. Shelby, meanwhile, stayed quiet; her legs pulled up to her chest, her eyes focusing on her knees.
"Why so silent, Shelbs?"
"Just thinking," Shelby said softly.
It melted Cassandra's heart, for Shelby to be like this. It was rare that the woman ever looked or acted so…vulnerable…so…breakable. But it was also one of Cassandra's favorite things about their relationship—the fact that she was the only one who could make Shelby's wall come crashing down made her feel so special—like they might actually be able to make this work again.
"What are you thinking about?"
After another pause, "You. Me. Us."
"Only good thoughts, I would hope?" Cass smiled at her, teasingly—it was something Cass often did when she was nervous.
Shelby's voice almost broke as she spoke next, "I'm just scared."
Cassandra's chest tightened; she couldn't get a full breath in. "Of what, baby?"
Shelby forced her eyes away from her knees and looked up towards Cass, who took her eyes off of the road for one second just to see Shelby's face. "Us not working this time. You relapsing."
Averting her gaze, Cass refocused towards the road, her hand clenching against the steering wheel, and her jaw clenching upon hearing that word. Relapsing.
Slowly, she relaxed her hand on the steering wheel and took a couple of deep breaths. "It was one slip up, Shelby…"
Shelby cursed herself inwardly for bringing it up. Especially now, when they were trying to recapture their love, of all times. She decided she should probably just drop it, for now. "I know, but you can't blame me for worrying, Cass."
"I know."
Recognizing the slight hardness in her tone, Shelby whispered, "I'm so sorry, baby."
"For what, Shelbs?" Cass turned her neck to the side, stretching tightened muscles.
"Not trusting you."
It took a moment for Cassandra to think of a response. Finally, she asked, "Do you still? Not trust me, I mean…"
Knowing that she wouldn't like her answer, Shelby spoke anyways. Relationships were built on honesty. "I'm trying."
"And I suppose that's all I deserve," Cass took it like the hard ass that she was always trying to be. And it broke Shelby's heart.
"No, it isn't. You're amazing, Cass. You deserve more than me—someone who can't let go of the past."
"Stop it, Shelbs," Cassandra didn't want to do this right now, and from her tone of voice, Shelby could tell. "I love YOU. Not anybody else. I don't WANT anybody else. And you're more than I deserve."
It hurt Shelby to know that—that Cassandra didn't think herself deserving. She would change that line of thinking somehow, someday. But for now she just said, "Okay." She smiled and looked out the window before whispering, "I love you too. So much."
Cass squeezed her hand again, in reciprocation. "We're almost there," she changed the subject and immediately saw Shelby's change of character. Shelbs was starting to get antsy. Like a little kid on Christmas morning.
Laughing lightly, Cass was inwardly just as excited. But someone had to be the common ground of relaxation, right? She wasn't sure how long that poise would hold out, with Shelby as excited as she was. It was so unlike the new-er Shelby that Cass had reluctantly grown so used to seeing. She was acting so much more like she used to—the fun-loving, risk-taking, "I'll love you with all the passion I can possibly give" Shelby that Cassandra had fallen in love with to begin with. It was exhilarating.
They pulled into the parking lot and Shelby squealed upon spying the ocean. She knew exactly where they were—not just any beach, but THEIR beach. More importantly, their CAVE on the beach. It was the best place Cass could've taken her today. It was their place.
Cassandra grinned broadly at Shelby's reaction—she had been hoping for something like this. "Welcome home."
"Oh, Cassie!"
"So you like it?" Cass teased. "Because we can always go somewhere else…"
"No!" Shelby practically screamed. "Get out! Let's go!"
With a laugh, Cass tried to unbuckle as fast as Shelby was pulling her out the door. "Shelbs, you can't pull me out THAT door!"
"Watch me!" Shelby continued to try to pull her out the passenger side door, and, giving in, Cass let her body be dragged across the car, over the seats, and into Shelby's arms on the outside of her door. Shelby laughed, crazily, missing this feeling of excitement. Missing this lovesick feeling.
Cass laughed with her. "Calm down, psycho!" but she grinned from ear to ear, missing this. Cherishing this. Loving this.
"Fine!" Shelby broke free from Cass and ran towards the ocean, splashing into the water. It was cold but refreshing—she didn't care how cold it was; Cass would keep her warm.
Cass broke into a run after Shelby, chasing her. "Wait for me!" they had the beach to themselves, just like old times (probably, Cass rationalized, because no one else was insane enough to head to the beach on such a windy Sunday, particularly not at seven in the morning). She caught up to Shelby and grabbed her by the waist, lifting her into the air and spinning her around. Shelby wrapped her legs around Cassie's waist and Cassie ignored the cold wind. Love makes you insane.
Shelby laid her head on Cassie's shoulder, whispering into her neck, "Thank you."
Amazing shivers ran up Cassandra's back at the feeling of Shelby's lips and hot breath against her neck. It was a feeling she had longed to feel for a long time. "Of course," she placed a soft kiss on Shelby's cheek and started walking them out deeper.
"Not too deep, Cass," Shelby tightened her legs' grip on Cass's waist and Cass sucked in a breath at the feeling. "You know I'm scared of the ocean."
Cass wrapped her arms more tightly around Shelby, the water making their skin slippery. She refused to let Shelby dropped. She remembered all too well how afraid Shelby was of deep water—the woman couldn't swim, because she was never taught and never truly trusted Cass enough to let her teach her. Maybe "trust" wasn't the issue. It truly was fear of falling that held Shelby back.
"Hey," Cassie whispered, lovingly, softly, continuing to walk out. "I've got you, okay? You're safe. I promise."
Shelby's voice was a bit shaky as she answered, "Okay," tightening her grip some more, as if it were possible. Cassandra didn't mind the woman's closeness.
"Trust me," she said, walking until it was up to her neck.
A light wave hit the back of Shelby's head and she tensed up, pressing her body so close to Cassandra's that she could feel her stomach move with her heavy breathing.
"Hey, hey," Cass held her tighter, adjusting her grip so there was no room for Shelby to slip. "Calm down, okay? Trust me. Nothing can hurt you. You won't fall."
"Okay. I trust you."
Based on her shakiness, it was hard to believe.
"So relax your body," Cassandra coached. "It'll help you float."
Shelby's eyes widened. "I don't have to float if you're holding on to me."
"I'm not going to let go of you, baby. Just relax. Take a deep breath."
"I'm trying."
Cass laughed lightly, "I know." She placed a soft, comforting kiss on Shelby's lips. "I know."
Finally, Shelby slowly started to relax. Cassie could feel Shelby's breathing starting to slow, and Shelby's grip turned lax, slightly.
"That's better." A wave made them bob up and down.
With a smile, Shelby said, "Put me down, baby."
This was a quick adjustment, and Cass was hesitant to do so. She hadn't actually taught Shelby to swim—wasn't she getting a little ahead of herself? Cassie smiled back. "Are you sure you can handle it?"
"Yeah," Shelby coaxed. "Let me try."
Slowly, reluctantly, Cassandra released her hold on her.
At first Shelby did fine, sticking close to Cass just in case. Cass watched her carefully, ready to grab her if she faltered.
"See, I can—"a wave came and took Shelby under. Immediately, with flash reflexes, Cassandra swooped under the water and grabbed Shelby so that she's scooped her up into her arms and pulls her back towards where it easier to touch, surfacing.
Coughing, Shelby giggled. "See? I'm good, baby."
Cassandra couldn't help but laugh. "Mmmhmm."
So Shelby had needed saving—it didn't bother her if Cassie was the one saving her. Cass was the only one she ever let help her. Because usually, Shelby Corcoran wasn't one to ask for help.
"Can we go to our cave?" Shelby spied it from across the sand.
"Of course we can." She waded water until it was up to her waist and let Shelby down.
As they walked, Shelby excited grabbed Cassie's hand. They made it up the sand; it stuck to their wet feet and Shelby wiggled her toes in it, burrowing them down with each step. She had missed the feeling of it.
They entered their cave; a sort of small cavern where some of the water ran in.
"Look, Cassie! Our chairs are still here!" There was a small stream of water still flowing through the middle, where two "chairs" made of rocks were set up beside said stream. They had made them ages ago. Cassandra cast a glance towards the back "wall", where their initials were still carved into the stone.
SC+CJ encased in a heart.
We were so very original, Cass smirked to herself at the memory.
"Oh my god," but she was still breathless at how it was exactly the way they left it, so many years ago.
Tears pricked at Shelby's eyes. "I love you, Cassie."
Tears formed in Cassandra's but she refused to let them fall. "I love you too, Shelby. So very much."
Shelby wrapped her arms around Cassie's waist, and Cass placed her hands over Shelby's, feeling an immense comfort that she never wanted to let go of, and feeling extremely guilty to ever disappointing the woman now holding her so closely.
The brunette turned her blonde lover around to face her. "I trust you. I do." She promised. A tear fell from Cassie's eyes, slipping down her cheek.
"Do you? Should you?" she thought of all the times she had made things worse—all the fights she had started, all the pain she had caused.
"I do and I should." Shelby said, fiercely.
But that wasn't an answer that Cassandra could take—not with this guilt eating at her. Why should Shelby trust her? Hell, she had even slipped and drank this morning. What sort of trust exercise is that?
"After everything I've done? The trouble and pain I've caused you? The times I've ruined us?"
Shelby didn't hesitate. "Yes, but you're trying now, right?"
"Well, yes, but I was trying before, too. I've ruined so much, Shelby. Your relationship with your parents…your ability to ever trust me again…your relationship with Rachel…"
Shaking her head in confusion, Shelby said, "Rachel and I are fine."
Cass started shaking her head immediately back. "You two fight because of me." She reminded her.
Shelby let her fingers trail up Cassie's shirt and make circles on her bare stomach. "But we're okay, Cass."
Mumbling, Cass responded, "That wasn't my point…"
Having about enough of the incredible woman in her arms beating herself up, Shelby spun her around so their bodies were pressed together and grabbed Cassandra's face, sternly.
"Look at me. I LOVE you. I trust you. The past is the past. It's time to look into the future."
Completely taken aback by Shelby's sudden forwardness, Cass whispered, "And what does our future look like?"
Shelby's eyes widened—she obviously hadn't thought that far ahead. "I don't know. But it's going to be better than our past."
"Okay."
"I promise." She placed a soft kiss on Cass's lips.
"I believe you."
"Okay, good," Shelby gave a warm smile. "I love you." A chill ran down Shelby's body, making her shiver to the core (which Cass also felt, considering they were so close), as the sky grew darker and clouds rolled in. "Let's go home, baby…"
"Okay," She held Shelby close as they walked back to the car, hand in hand, the wind whipping their hair and getting stronger. Once they were back at Shelby's car, Shelby's phone went off in the passenger seat.
She opened the door and answered; it was Rachel.
"Hello?"
"MOM OH MY GOD YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I JUST FOUND OUT," Rachel was being so loud that it startled Shelby, and she had to hold her phone away from her ear, her eyes wide. Once Rachel was done yelling, Shelby spoke into the cell,
"Calm down, Rach. What did you find out?"
"St. James Theatre is doing a revival of Funny Girl and auditions are in two weeks!" Shelby could practically see the nervous and crazed grin on her daughter's face. Shelby couldn't help but smile as well.
"That's awesome! Are you going to try out?"
"I have to! It's my big chance. Santana's going to help me work on my audition after I get off the phone… what do you think I should sing?"
Shelby knew what Rachel was thinking; the young girl didn't have to say it—but it was the worst idea in the world and had to be stopped immediately.
"Not Barbra." She answered without hesitation.
"What?! Why?!"
"Because, you can't audition for a Barbra role with Barbra! It's just wrong."
"HOW is that wrong?" Rachel sounded incredulous and…did Shelby dare think…angry?
Shelby switched the phone to her other ear. "It just is, trust me. They're not looking for someone to be Barbra. They're looking for someone fresh. New. Unique."
"Well then fine," Rachel huffed and Shelby scowled. Why was her daughter being so difficult?! "I'll talk to you later, kay?"
Um…No! Not "kay"!
Shelby called her out. "Don't be defensive, Rach…"
"I'm not being defensive!" Rachel said in a completely defensive-sounding voice. "We're shopping for sheet music."
Santana called into the phone from the background. "She's totally being defensive. Just stomped towards the Babs section and put it all back."
Cass rolled her eyes and smiled at this, saying to Shelby, "Hey, tell your daughter that her FAVORITE dance teacher says hi."
With an eye roll Shelby said, "Rach, Cassie says hi."
Rachel scoffed and stopped by the "Big-Hit Broadway Numbers" section, sifting through some of her favorites that she didn't already have. "I seriously doubt that,"
She had an attitude today, and Shelby was getting really sick of it. All because she said no Barbra? Well if Rachel wanted to fuck up her audition with Barbra songs then fine! So be it! But the attitude wasn't going to get her anywhere.
"She did, Rach. What is wrong with you?" Shelby demanded tiredly.
Rach came back immediately. "What is wrong with ME?! She can't stand me, mom, I doubt she said hi. If at all it was because she's dating you. It doesn't matter, I have to go, okay? I love you."
Exhausted already even though the day had just begun, Shelby decided to drop it for now. She'd deal with this feud later. "Fine. I love you too."
After Rachel hung up, Shelby did as well and was greeted by a wide-eyed Cassandra. "What's her problem?"
Sighing, Shelby shrugged. "I don't know. She got mad because I told her not to audition with Barbra."
Typical drama queen, Schwimmer.
"She'll get over it. What's she auditioning for?"
"Funny Girl revival…" Shelby mumbled.
"Ooh. Fancy. Maybe you should audition, too."
"Oh, no."
Cass was baffled by her instant decline. Shelby adored Funny Girl; a fact that Cassandra knew very well after all the times she was forced to watch it with her. If she was dissing an opportunity like THIS it had better be for a good reason. "What? Why?!" she walked towards Shelby and felt her forehead to check for fever.
"I'm too old to be Fanny," Shelby pushed Cass's hand away with a light giggle. "Plus, this is Rachel's thing. I don't want to overstep any boundaries, as you can see we already appear to be on thin ice as it is…"
"Pft. Boundaries shmoundaries. You were born to play Brice, Shelbs. At least audition—it doesn't mean you have to take the part. Besides, you are NOT too old," she playfully smacked the brunette's ass and Shelby jumped at the contact, but didn't seem to complain about it. "You're not too old for anything," she added suggestively.
Shelby shook her head. "Still, no."
"Ugh," Cass tilted her head back dramatically. "You won't even consider it?!"
"No, Cassie! I can't do that to Rachel."
What was it with her today?
"But who's to say either one of you will get it? What if say…Santana were to audition, and she beats out BOTH of you? You never know, babe."
Shelby moved a piece of hair behind her ear. "But I can't attempt to beat Rachel out at all."
With a shrug, Cass delivered an alternative. "Then make her audition with a duet and see if they ask you to read."
It might have been sneaky—almost horrible—but what if Cassandra was right? What if this was Shelby's big chance to? To get back on the Broadway stage, where she knew she belonged? She thought on it a moment before saying, "That may work," and dialed Rachel's number again.
"What?" Rachel answered, still, apparently, a bit peeved.
Cassandra grinned devilishly at her plan, before walking away for a moment to talk to Brody. She had called him and asked him to bring her motorcycle to them—he agreed to drive Shelby's car back into the city so Cass could take Shelby for a ride. Brody had parked her baby a parking lot away and Cass left to get the helmets.
"I have an idea," Shelby said to Rach through the cell. Whether Rach was going to give her an attitude be damned. She didn't care anymore, she'd dealt with worse from Rachel Barbra Berry.
"For something that's not Barbra?" Rachel asked, holding the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she searched through a final Streisand book for some sort of inspiration.
"Get over it, Rach," Santana called from an aisle over.
"Why don't we do a duet together for your audition?" Shelby asked.
Rachel thought for a moment before hesitantly asking, "Like what?"
"Next to Me," Shelby was proud of herself for already having planned a song.
"…But that's not a duet…" she made a point.
"We can make it one. Unless you have another idea?" she challenged her daughter to think of something better. She didn't.
"I have nothing, so it sounds good to me. Can we rehearse tomorrow?"
Shelby smiled, thankful that Rachel was back to being Rachel again. Whenever the young girl was stressed, she tended to take it out on the universe. A trait she obviously got from Shelby, but an irritating trait, no less. "Of course, honey. Are we okay now?"
"We were never not okay, momma." Rachel felt bad, realizing what she had done. "I'm sorry."
"Okay," Shelby got distracted at the sight of her girlfriend in a black leather jacket; a sexy black leather jacket, mind you. She didn't notice the helmets.
"I love you, honey," Shelby said into the phone before hearing Rachel reply, "I love you, too," and hanging up.
Cass put the helmets on the hood of the car and went up behind Shelby, wrapping her arms around her waist and kissing at her neck. "So do you trust me?"
"Of course…" hadn't they already discussed this today?
"Pull your hair back into a bun," Cass commanded. She knew it would irritate the hell out of Shelby if this ride screwed up her hair or if her hair smacked her in the face or whatever.
"Okay…" Cassandra could hear the hesitation in Shelby's voice and it made her laugh.
"Just do it. Oh, and put this on," she handed her a black helmet, with the face open.
"Oh no," Shelby backed away from her, pointing her finger at her crazy as hell girlfriend. "No." she knew the leather jacket was supposed to distract her from something. No matter how sexy it was, she was NOT going to let this happen.
"Shelby," Cassandra begged. "Come on, you don't even know what we're doing yet. Put on the helmet? Take my hand and trust me…"
Shelby's eyes widened and she backed up as she shook her head. "If it involves a helmet it's going to be dangerous…"
"It's not dangerous!" Cass pleaded. "I'm practiced, I promise. Just come with me." This was a big trusting step, she knew. But this told her that if Shelby could trust her with this, then it was a big positive step in their relationship, right?
"Fine." Shelby crossed her arms over her chest protectively. "But it looks like it's going to storm…"
So that was her biggest concern—not the motorcycle, but the storm. Cassandra knew how much Shelby hated storms. "We'll make it home by then, babe."
"Okay."
Cassandra led her to their ride—a beautiful deep purple Honda. "Isn't she gorgeous?"
She might not have been for the idea, but Shelby had to admit that Cassandra's motorcycle was gorgeous. "Yes." It also impressed her that Cassandra could DRIVE a motorcycle, let alone owned one. When had that happened? It was pretty hot.
"Do you trust me?" Cass asked again, making sure this was okay.
"Yes."
"Good. Put the helmet on, and get on the back when I tell you, okay?" Cass gave her a kiss on the cheek and it gave her shudders—good, amazing, earth shattering shudders—all the way down her back. She needed to wear that jacket more often.
"Okay," Shelby smiled.
Brody stood next to the bike. He tossed Cass the keys.
"Weston!" in turn, she tossed him Shelby's keys and narrowed her eyes at him. "You put a single scratch or dent in this car in any way shape or form, not only will I kick your ass, but I will sue you for everything you own and as whore I'm sure that's not something you can afford. Am I clear? See ya."
Brody nodded and jogged towards Shelby's car and Cassandra smirked. She actually didn't mind Rachel—was starting to get protective, even, of the girl—and any chance she had to make this kid fear for his life, she was going to take.
"Really? Brody?" Shelby asked in disgust.
"I thought you said you trusted me?" Cass grinned. "That includes my judgment. He's a good kid." She corrected herself after a moment of thought. "Well, I mean, besides being a whore, he is. And he's terrified of upsetting me. Your car will be safe, or he won't be."
"Fine," she wasn't in love with the idea of man whore Brody handling her car, but she did promise Cassandra her trust. Relationships were built on it, right?
Cass swung her leg over the motorcycle, turning Shelby on as well as the bike, and kicked up the stand before balancing it, putting on her own helmet. "Get on, baby," Shelby was entranced. Damn Cass for being so fucking clever.
Shelby slowly go on and wrapped her arms around Cassie's waist and held on tightly. Almost too tightly. Cass didn't mind, in fact, she grinned at her idea—it gave Shelby a chance to hold tight and never let go. Plus, it was amazingly romantic, and fun. "I've got you, okay?" she promised. "I'm licensed. It's okay."
Not answering, Shelby laid her head on Cassie's shoulder, squeezing her tighter.
Cass slowly walked the motorcycle back and shifted the gear, letting go of the brake and making them move forward. They went a couple of feet, then she stopped it and turned her head to speak to Shelby. "Is this okay? If you're too uncomfortable I can call Brody back…"
"No, let's do this."
Grinning, Cassie answered, "There's my sexy daredevil, Corcoran." She revved the bike and they pulled forward. She swerved around a bit, just to mess around. Once she got to the main road she sped up a bit before gradually slowing down and doing the same thing over again, basically giving Shelby a mini heart attack. Shelby tightened her grip on the woman.
Cass couldn't help but grin and didn't bother consoling her girlfriend because she wouldn't be able to hear her, anyways. She finally started driving the bike like a normal person and Shelby loosened her grip, just a little. Once they made it to the city, Cassie was forced to go slow, which was the most dangerous part of riding, because it made it harder to balance. She basically had to start walking it through the traffic.
"Mmm, so badass, Cass," Shelby hummed tauntingly in her ear before laughing.
"Ha! Says the girl whose grip was just so tight on my body that she almost broke my ribs. You were in more danger just now then you ever were while I was booking down the road, but if you'd rather I go back and pop a wheelie…I mean, if you consider that more badass?"
Shelby kissed Cassie's shoulder. "Shut up."
Cassandra pulled into the parking garage just as the first clap of thunder roared through the sky. After padlocking the bike and helmets, Cass shook her long blonde hair out of its bun. Shelby longed to run her fingers through it. She took Shelby's hand and they started to walk back to her apartment.
"Hey, babe," Cass noticed the storm rolling in and wanted to distract Shelby from it. "Can we stay at my place tonight? I haven't been there all weekend, and I have to teach tomorrow…" dread overwhelmed her as she realized she'd have to teach without a shot of vodka to make it through the excruciatingly long morning.
"Yes. That's fine." The distraction wasn't working—Shelby was looking up at the sky, worriedly.
"Okay. We'll stop at your place so you can get your keys and clothes and—"she was interrupted by a huge ass clap of thunder. Shelby, bless her heart, put on a brave face and squeezed Cassie's hand tighter. So what if she breaks my hand? Cass thought to herself. Manhattan has hospitals… Her baby was going through a lot today. She pulled her closer and kissed her ear. "Hey, sweetheart, it's okay…"
"Let's just hurry, okay?"
They practically speed walked towards Shelby's apartment. A flash of lightning cracked across the sky, lighting every darkened building on the city block. Shelby ran into her apartment and Cass followed her, shutting the door tightly behind them. Hesitantly, she said, "I'm sorry we weren't back here as fast as I said we would be…I really thought we would have beat the storm, but we were close…"
"It's okay," Shelby said pointedly—focused. "Let me grab my things and we can go." It took her thirty seconds to get clothes from her bedroom before she was back out in the living room and said, "Let's go." And started to walk back towards the door.
Cass grabbed her and spun her around. "Hey, hey, Shelbs, slow down. We can wait out the storm, we have all day…"
This seemed to calm her down, but only for a moment. "Okay. Tea?"
"Sure." She watched carefully as Shelby picked out a box of tea in an OCD fashion and put it RIGHT back where it was, meanwhile filling the kettle with water and setting it on the stove, organizing thing around the kitchen as she worked. Shelby absolutely hated thunderstorms. They made her wall go up and Cassandra had never figured out what had happened to ignite this big phobia.
While Shelby leaned up against the counter and waited for the kettle to whistle, Cassandra walked towards her slowly, "Baby," she wrapped her arms around Shelby's hips, hooked her fingers in the belt loops on the back of her shorts and kissed her softly. "It's just a little storm. It's not them." By "them" she was referring to Shelby's parents—what she assumed was the root of the problem, for they usually always were.
Shelby stiffened but kissed her back. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You don't have to acknowledge it if you don't want to, that's fine. But I'm here for you, okay? It's just me here. You can relax." She kissed her again, trying to ease the tension. Shelby accepted her kiss, gratefully, and gave her one back.
"It's just…I'm strong. I can't cry, and if I talk about them, I'll cry."
"Shelby, baby…it's okay to cry sometimes. Yeah, I know, I'm a hypocrite…but you can talk to me about anything, you know that. I know you better than anyone."
"I know, baby," Shelby seemed thankful, but Cassandra knew she was tired. "And I appreciate it. Just not now, okay? It's been a long day, and it's not even noon."
Cass gave her a final kiss on the corner of her mouth and whispered, "Okay." Before letting go of her and giving her some space.
The kettle finally began to whistle and Shelby poured the water over the tea bags and handed Cassie a mug.
"Thank you," Cass mouthed.
"Mmmhmm…" Shelby made her way to the couch, curling up with her tea.
She was joined by Cass, who sat on the other end of the couch and surfed through her phone, discovering that NYADA had called her twice. She called Madame T back, standing and walking around the living room as the phone rang.
After a short conversation during which Cassandra grew immensely irritated and tired, Cass sat back by Shelby with a troubled look on her face.
Shelby noticed it right away. "What's wrong, honey?"
"Your daughter's audition is the same day as a test in Dance101. It's not as big as midterm, but it's a big part of her grade and I'm not sure I want her missing it. Madame T said the ball's in my court." She big her lip in thought. Schwimmer was good, but not good enough to pass the class without this test. Sure, she still needed the practice, but she had the drive and she had the potential. She couldn't miss this, and Cassandra couldn't let her.
"Can't you let her take it early?" Shelby asked, a bit worriedly.
Cassandra shrugged. "…I don't know, babe. It's a partner dance…"
"Okay. Well I understand, but she won't. She'll think you're out to get her. Hell, she wouldn't even believe you said hi to her earlier. So I can only imag—"thunder echoed loudly, causing Shelby to jump and falter. "—imagine how that will go down…"
When Shelby jumped, Cassandra gave her a sad, sympathetic look before moving closer to her, wrapping her arms around her protectively. "I know. I don't know what to do. Her dads pay her tuition, maybe we should call them? Ask what they think's more important? I don't really know them well enough to know what they'd have to say about it."
"How bad will it affect her grade if she misses it?"
She had to think about it—remember. "It's 10%. Midterm is 20. Her final goes in as a different grade entirely."
Shelby thought about it. "Well maybe we should let her make her own decision. She's grown."
"Right, and that'd be great, if it was her money she was wasting, but it's her dads. Wait, I have an idea…"
"What?"
Cass took her phone out again and dialed Rachel's number.
Rach answered, sounding confused. "Hello?" why was Miss July calling?
"Okay, Schwimmer, here's the thing. Your audition is the same day as the big test you've known about for a week. I'm going to give you a choice, okay? You can either go to your audition and miss the test, which is ill advised seeing as it's 10% of your grade, or you can do the dance with me, next Friday."
"…will it still count as my grade?" Rachel pondered.
"If you take it with me? Yes. But if you miss it, your grade drops."
"Okay. Deal."
Cass raised an eyebrow. How was this so easy? It could NOT be as easy as Rach was letting on…
"But…"
The blonde instructor smirked at the "but".
"Why are you helping me? You hate me."
Cassandra rolled her eyes. "Ohio, for the last damn time, I don't hate you. You irritate me 99% of the time, that's true. But I'm giving you a choice here that most people who irritate me would never get. Don't question it."
"Okay. Thanks. See you tomorrow in class."
"Don't be late." Cass hung up and grinned at Shelby. "Problem solved."
Shelby smiled at the way Cassandra handled that. Sure, she was still a little hard, but she knew that wasn't easy for the blonde to do. She cuddled into her. "Thank you."
Cass kissed the top of Shelby's head. "You're welcome. She's lucky she's talented…Being your daughter helps, too, I suppose…"
"Awe. So sweet."
Cassie crinkled her nose, teasingly. "I know. It's a horrible feeling."
"God, I love you,"
Lightning flashed, knocking the power out. Shelby was instantly in tears.
Out of immediate reaction, Cass put the flashlight on her phone and set it down on the coffee table in front of them. It lit up enough of the room so that Shelby's beautiful face was silhouetted and she could see the tears streaming down it. "Baby, shh, it's okay," she wiped a tear with a soft, comforting thumb.
"I can't do this. I'm not a weak person. God I'm so fucked up. What adult cries because of a storm?" she went to get up and Cass pulled her back down and into her arms.
"Hey. So you don't like storms. That doesn't make you weak, Shelbs, it makes you human. You've had a really hard life, baby, it's okay to be upset sometimes. You don't always have to be a hard ass—that's something you taught me when I fell in love with you. You taught me it's okay to have emotions and to show them to those we love."
Shelby let Cassie kiss her tears away before she curled into her. "I love you."
"I love you too, Shelby. So fucking much." She kissed Shelby's head before playing with her hair. "You can talk to me, baby, why do storms upset you so much?"
With a shaky voice, Shelby decided she might as well just tell Cassie what happened already. It was about time she knew. "When….My parents used to fight all the time. They were so…so loud. Always banging shit around. Then one night, it got really bad. Dad was drunk off his ass and it was storming outside. The power went out during a fight, and my dad…he came into my room yelling at me because of everything with the surrogacy and you…I was moving out in a week but he just couldn't wait to beat the shit out of me for all of my mistakes, I suppose." She broke into shaking sobs and Cassie held her close, whispering that it was okay. "He hit me. And he wouldn't stop. He busted my lip and blackened my eye. He called me a slut and a whore. He told me I was nothing before storming out." She took a shaky breath and now Cassandra was crying too. Why hadn't she been there to protect her Shelby? "My mom came into my room and cleaned my lip and put a bag of frozen peas on my eye and left me. Dad came back the next day and apologized…he blamed the alcohol but ever since that night, every time it storms I get scared. That night flashes back…I get nervous. That's also why I have such a hard time with your drinking…"
"Oh my god, baby…" Cassandra felt horrible—she had had no idea that this had happened to her Shelby and she felt partially responsible for all of it. "I'm so SO sorry." Her grip was strong on Shelby. "I'll never EVER let anybody hurt you. You're safe with me, honey, I promise you."
Shelby tried to compose herself—she was hyperventilating, slightly. She tried to take relaxing breaths. "I know, baby."
"He's gone, Shelby," Cassie reminded her. "He can't hurt you anymore."
"I know," Shelby whispered, wiping a final tear. "But I still get nervous."
Cassie kissed her cheek softly. "It's okay to be nervous sometimes. But you're safe, baby. You're safe. I promise. It's okay." She kissed her again, wanting to show her how very loved she was—to prove to her that she wasn't anything her dad had called her or said to her. "I've stopped drinking, remember? Everything's going to be okay."
Shelby gave her a concerned look. "What about this morning?"
Cass stiffened. She knew it was coming. "We don't talk about this morning. It was a mistake…"
"Okay…"
"I'm sorry for this morning. It was just a setback…"
"It's okay, Cass. I'm sorry I brought it up."
"Don't be. I deserved that, it's okay."
"Okay."
And it was. Shelby was opening up to her again, and Cass was opening up to her. They were building up their relationship again—dare they think, stronger than before. It was going to be rough and sometimes sad and scary but it was also beautiful and incredible and Cassandra wouldn't trade it for the world.