Better Version of Me
Chapter 10
"Try to see it my way. Only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong." -The Beatles
O O O
Harry stirred the next morning to the sound of food being prepared as well as a toothsome scent floating through the air. Groggily, he rolled out of bed, kicking off the quilt tangled around his legs. Using his nose as his guide, he was led into the kitchen, where eggs were sizzling in a pan on the stove, oranges were chopped up in a bowl, and biscuits sat in a basket, jam and butter nearby.
Teddy was just setting out two places on the table when Harry walked in. Flowers sat in a vase as a centerpiece.
Teddy, who Harry noticed had stolen his robe and was swimming in it, smiled at him when he walked in from beneath his blue bangs, but he didn't greet him, instead turning back to the pan of eggs.
"I didn't even realize I had this food in the house," Harry said, scanning the kitchen over again. He faltered on the table's decoration. "Or flowers."
Teddy, only his back visible, shrugged. "I may have walked down the road early and gone to the store."
"In the snow?" Harry asked. "In that? In my robe?"
"And boots," Teddy said.
Harry laughed. "Because that makes it so much better. What did everyone think, you walking in like that?"
Teddy spatula-ed out the eggs onto a plate. He turned finally, giving Harry a sheepish grin. "That I was a hobo?" He brought the plate over to the table, setting it down. "And I stole your money because I didn't have any Muggle cash. Hope you don't mind."
Teddy sat, a glass of water in front of him. He gestured to the seat opposite him.
Harry took his place, sinking into the chair, shaking his head in disbelief. "You're unbelievable, you know that?"
Teddy gave him an eggy grin. "You're one to talk, eating breakfast like that," he gargled. He gestured to Harry's sparse outfit.
Harry snorted. "Swallow. And I would be wearing my robe right now if some nimwit hadn't stolen it."
Teddy merely sent him a smirk, both victorious and appreciative, and then Harry ate, too, warmth expanding throughout his chest.
When they were finished, Harry helped Teddy clean up the fulfilling breakfast, noting to himself with satisfaction and a bit of guilt how endearing Teddy looked in his robe.
"I need a shower," Teddy announced, once the dishes were finished, heading out of the room. Harry followed close behind, pushing his back gently at the entrance to his own room, prompting him away.
"And give me my robe back when you're done, thief," said Harry.
Teddy turned. "On one condition," he said. Harry's heart swooped, stomach nearly queasy at Teddy's teasing tone.
Harry tried to appear suspicious but knew he couldn't pull it off when his godson gave him that look. "And what would that be?"
Teddy grinned, biting his lip in an attempt to quell it, and stalked forward back to Harry. "A kiss." And Teddy closed his eyes in apparent waiting.
Harry leaned over and gave Teddy a kiss on his cheek. Teddy opened his eyes, disgruntled. "On the mouth, Harry."
"That's not what you said."
Teddy huffed snottily, turning about-face. "Well, I'm just going to keep it then." He began to make his way towards his room, and Harry could tell he was trying not to laugh.
"No-just wait." Harry grabbed Teddy's arm and spun him around, pulling him close. Teddy's breath caught, and Harry looked softly down at him. Teddy seemed to know what Harry meant this time, and his eyes fell shut once more. Harry leaned down and kissed him firmly. The kiss lasted a few seconds, until Teddy tried to intensify it, but Harry pulled away, smiling benignly at him.
"Robe?" asked Harry. He released Teddy, and the boy obligingly shrugged out of the garment, leaving him back in his orange boxers.
"Are you always this, er, bright underneath your clothes?" Harry asked, laughing and gesturing to the boxers he hadn't had the chance to mock yet, slinging the robe over his arm.
Teddy gave him a side smile, already edging back to his room. "You'll have to find that out for yourself." And then he disappeared, closing the door behind him.
Feet stuck to the floorboards, it took a moment before Harry could yank them up and return to his room, where a long, cold shower awaited him.
O O O
"What's your girl's name?" Andromeda asked Christmas Eve, dinner done, leaving Andromeda, Harry, and Teddy sprawled out across different furniture items in the festively-decorated living room like cats, bodies lazy with the hum of food and a smidgeon of alcohol.
"My girl?" asked Teddy.
Andromeda took a sip of her whiskey sour before setting the glass down on a coaster. "Don't pretend, Teddy," she said, reaching over a couch cushion to swat Teddy's leg in a move that clearly said I am drunk. "Your girlfriend. The reason you've been so moony lately."
"I don't have one." Teddy picked at his fingernails a moment before biting them.
She sent Harry a look of disbelief that he tried to share, not sure if he pulled it off or if he just ended up looking blameworthy. Either way, Andromeda was not sober enough to really care either way and merely gestured from Harry to Teddy.
"Surely you know something, Harry," said Andromeda. "You two are thick as thieves now, always exchanging owls and-" she gestured vaguely before settling her fluttering hand on top of her head "-spending time together."
Harry smiled tightly, feeling his cheeks protest as he did so. "As far as I know, Teddy has yet to have a girlfriend." Teddy met Harry's eyes, a blush infused within his youthful cheeks at the heated look.
Andromeda shook her head affectionately. "It's only a matter of time, I suppose. Your mother, Teddy, Nymphadora, began kissing boys at age twelve-TWELVE! Can you believe it? So young. She always was a bit of a free spirit. I suppose I should be grateful you inherited your father's relaxed demeanor instead of hers."
Harry smiled fondly at Teddy, on the couch, from his place in a squashy armchair, but the look was knowing, ironic. The boy shyly returned the open look, well aware Andromeda was sitting three feet away. "I don't know, Andromeda. I think Teddy is much more like his mother than his father."
Andromeda observed Teddy as well, and he sunk deeper into the sofa's back under both adults' scrutiny. "You think so?"
"Well," said Harry, "he's his own person, but if we had to give him a label to the parent he most takes after, Tonks would be the one."
Teddy didn't speak, turning in favor towards his grandmother's unfocused stare.
"As long as he doesn't go hunting older ladies like she did with Remus, I believe all will be well." She sent Teddy a teasing look, smirking at him. Teddy once more darted his eyes back to his godfather, who appeared to have swallowed a large bumblebee.
"You didn't think Remus and Tonks were good together?" asked Harry as casually as he could.
"No, don't get me wrong-they were good for each other, I think. But when your only daughter tells you she eloped with a werewolf fifteen years her senior, I was only too surprised. I don't know I could handle the shock again with my old age." Andromeda laughed, and Teddy and Harry tried to share it with her. She took another sip of her drink. She opened her mouth once more to gabber, but, fortunately, Teddy caught her in time with a well placed question.
"Presents?"
"Presents!" exclaimed Andromeda. "It's not Christmas yet."
"But we always open one present on Christmas Eve," insisted Teddy. "It wouldn't be normal to not stick with the tradition."
"I don't recall you opening a present last year."
Teddy shrugged, and Harry noticed he refused to look at him. "No, but we opened one the year before." Last Christmas Eve, they had spent it at the Burrow. Harry hadn't wished to remain in anyone's prolonged company at the time and had escaped right after dinner. Harry had declined Andromeda's and Teddy's request that he go back to their house for drinks and present opening. Looking back on it, Harry felt awful about his behavior. He could only imagine how hurt they were when he had retreated at seven o'clock to his empty condo than returned with them for what had been an annual tradition since Teddy was three.
"If you insist, I suppose," said Andromeda.
They all chose one present. Harry picked Teddy's, for he insisted that it could do him good tonight; Teddy reviewed his grandmother's present to him; and Andromeda opened Teddy's present as well, for Harry had left his presents at his house until morning.
Harry laughed as he opened the present to find a Christmas movie and a large Gryffindor Quidditch jersey with "LUPIN" written in bold letters along the back.
"So everyone knows who you're rooting for when you come to my Quidditch games," Teddy explained. He was a Gryffindor chaser.
Harry's lips shot up in a wry quirk, setting the present down on his lap. "A bit conceited, no?"
Teddy smiled but bit his lip nervously, a sure sign Harry had said the wrong thing, making the boy insecure. Eager to amend his jibe's result, Harry tugged the large jersey over his Weasley jumper with a bit of effort, as the sweater was wooly, thick, and stuck to other fabric. Once done, Harry maneuvered himself across the coffee table to sit next to Teddy and Andromeda, throwing an arm around Teddy's shoulder as a half hug, in what Andromeda would perceive a fatherly gesture, saying, "I love it, Teddy. When's your next game?"
Teddy happily leaned into the embrace. "Third weekend of January. Will you come?"
Before he could answer, from the cushion next to Harry, a howl of satisfaction was heard. "This was exactly the dress robe I wanted! Teddy, who told you?" Andromeda swiveled her dark-lidded eyes towards her grandson in joyful accusation.
"I might've heard Victoire talking about it with Mrs. Weasley." At the mention of the quarter-Veela Weasley child, Harry's arm, the one around his godson, convulsed down, clutching Teddy towards him. The boy flinched and flickered a glimpse at his face, allowing Harry access to the knowledge that Teddy noticed his reaction but wouldn't say anything about it in front of his grandmother.
Andromeda reached across Harry and grabbed one of Teddy's pristine, smooth hands, squeezing it underneath her faded, crumpled one. "Thank you, dear. I shall wear it at the next formal event I attend."
"You're welcome."
When his hand was liberated, Teddy opened his present to find -
Harry launched out a yelp of laughter, and Teddy grimaced at the gift.
For Teddy had received a plastic-wrapped package of brightly-patterned boxers.
"I see from where you get your eccentric underwear," said Harry, unthinking, his mind slightly clouded with the whiskey sour he had consumed earlier. Immediately, Harry looked to see what Andromeda had made of the comment, but he couldn't see her features, as she was still immersed in fabric, inspecting her dress-robe. Teddy merely elbowed him leniently in the stomach, warning.
"Thanks, Gran."
Not looking, the woman "hmm'd" in acknowledgement.
The small family talked for another hour, and then Andromeda yawned for the seventh time. "I need sleep, boys," she announced, standing up and stretching. It was only nine o'clock, but clearly the intense eating and drinking had worn her out.
Teddy stood, too, and Harry longed for the common weight and warmth he pressed against his side.
"Can I watch the movie I got Harry?" he asked, shooting a questioning glance at the man.
Harry, although tired, too, nodded in acquiesce, standing up.
Andromeda smiled at Teddy. "Of course, darling. Are you going to sleep over or come back after?"
Another glance. Another nod. "Sleep over," affirmed Teddy.
"Alright, but I want you two fresh over here at ten o'clock and no later!" she said.
The pair agreed to her terms.
Again, Andromeda allowed a wide grin to grace her cheeks, approaching and embracing them both in an awkward group hug.
She released them, an arm propped up on one of each of their shoulders. "I'm so glad you two have become so close. It warms my old heart to see your amended relationship!" To both of the boys' horror, Andromeda began to tear up. To add insult to injury, she added, "To see you, Harry, finally embrace Teddy as a parent is something I never dared hope to see. And on Christmas," Andromeda released them to rub her eyes, "it's very timely."
Teddy was the first to respond, more able to drown the guilt than Harry, who kept his constantly below the surface, leaving residue of a bloated, nauseous feeling jabbering in his lower back. "I'm happy, too, Gran." The boy, whose festive hair flickered from red to green with the admission, looked up and found Harry staring back at him, and the older man felt himself beginning to losing control of the situation.
Forcing his face to relax, Harry said, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, lads," she said, wiping her eyes once more with a hankerchief she had squalled from her pocket.
They bid their farewells, then Flooed to Harry's condo, which Teddy hadn't slept over at since that fateful first day back from break.
Harry had gone near crazy thinking what they had done, toiling over it in his mind, knowing Teddy was too young to do have done it; and how much Harry enjoyed it and wanted to do it again despite the sickening feeling he got when he thought of what Andromeda's or Ron's or Hermione's faces would look like if they ever knew of his actions.
But, Merlin, the way Teddy had moaned his name and light obscenities in the throes of passion, eyes barely open on Harry's orders, pining for more. . .
Yet once had to be enough. The impassioned memory had to hold him strong against more for now. If not forever, at least for tonight. Teddy would go to sleep in his own room.
"A Christmas Story," said Harry, reading the cover of the box, popping its disc into the DVD player. "Never heard of it."
"Me neither," Teddy said, collapsing familiarly on the couch, "but the Muggle lady in the store said it was a classic Christmas movie, so I thought it would be perfect for us."
Harry like how that sounded. Us. Like being together was just a regular part of the life in which they had movie nights and hung out together and had not a secret or a sin.
Harry joined Teddy on the couch, sitting against an arm and propping his feet up on the coffee table. Within ten minutes of the movie, Teddy had snuggled up against his side, per usual. Harry was instantly filled with memories of their night together. He was always reminded of it whenever he felt Teddy against him, even the barest touch setting of the onslaught.
It wasn't too much longer when Harry felt Teddy stroking his chest with the tips of his fingers, torturing him with the delicate ghost-feelings they left; and they made Harry desire, the thing he was trying to avoid, so they had to be stopped. Harry halted the touch by wrapping his own fingers around Teddy's. Harry refused to look at the boy, not wanting to see hurt or confusion, and merely stared unseeingly at the scene on the television.
Unfortunately, five minutes later, Teddy decided once more he was unable to keep to himself. Teddy shifted beside him, legs curling out behind himself until his front was facing Harry's arm. He leaned forward and began a trail of kisses along Harry's stubbled chin: smooth against rough.
As gently as possible, Harry pushed Teddy away, hating himself as he did it. It was unfortunate, really: he hated himself when he spurred on Teddy's advances but even more so when he rejected them.
"Watch the movie?" suggested Harry, turning to the screen. Teddy, disheartened, pulled away out of Harry's arms and sat a foot away, slumped in on himself. The boy no longer against him, Harry felt much like he did when Teddy earlier stood up at his own home to stretch, albeit much worse.
"Okay." The word was a wounded one, and Harry furrowed his brow in guilt. For the best, he told himself.
They finished off the funny movie in a brooding silence; Harry, ashamed he sent his confused godson mixed signals, Teddy, hurt his godfather rejected him when only nights before they had been laughing and kissing and loving.
Finally, when the credits rolled, a stiff Teddy stood up. Harry joined him in his stance.
"The movie was good," said Harry, merely to fill up the awkward silence that had settled like fog. The words sounded empty.
"Yeah," Teddy agreed, toneless, looking at anything, it seemed, other than his godfather. His shoulders were slumped and his whole body reeked of wounded puppy.
"Teddy, I-" But Harry stopped talking, not knowing what he should say. I'm sorry? I can't do this? I love you?
But then Teddy looked up for one insecure second to take a look at his godfather's conflicted face, and he ran forward, barreling his body against Harry's, burrowing his green head into his broad chest and wrapping his arms around his firm body.
Harry, arms held out at his sides, felt his resolve crumble and allowed his arms to return the embrace, although not as tightly as Teddy's death hold.
"Harry." The word was said by an unrecognizable voice. Teddy never sounded that small. Not confident Teddy, mature and sure of himself, smart and composed, witty and quick-tongued.
And it was this break from character that forced Harry to take a look at his hurtful actions. He led the boy on-for heaven's sake, he undressed and humped the boy-and then he rejected him soon thereafter.
"I'm sorry," said Harry, running his fingers through the feather-soft green hair upon his godson's head. It was then Harry noticed it was the same texture and style as his own; that is, ridiculously tousled.
Feeling worse than ever, he planted a dry kiss against his godson's head.
"It's difficult," said Harry, "it's difficult to know when to take what I want and what I know others want."
Harry heard a sniffle and internally groaned. He had made him cry.
"What about w-what I want?" Teddy's question was meek, petulant almost. It definitely didn't suit the boy, and Harry, quite frankly, was afraid of it. Much more afraid of it than he was of an angry tone.
"I don't know," Harry admitted, voice a whisper now. "What do you want?"
"You." Teddy's voice was hurt, yes, but also sure. It was a hint of the Teddy with whom Harry was most familiar.
Harry pulled away, and Teddy let his arms fall by his sides, head hung, the portrait of defeat.
"Teddy," said Harry. "I want the same thing you do. And I know it made us both ludicrously happy when we-" A pause. "But what about others' reactions? Your gran's?"
Teddy, still trying to reign in his rare tears, sniffled once more before speaking. "You don't care enough about me to-"
"Of course I care!"
"Then show it!" Ah, there he was.
"I don't want you to get hurt by all of this-shunned by everyone you love!"
"Everyone I love is you!"
The admission pushed Harry to lower his voice. "You can't mean that. You have Andromeda, your friends, the Weasleys, Victoire." Teddy opened his mouth to protest, but Harry wouldn't hear it. "Sooner or later you'll find I'm not worth it."
Harry turned his back on Teddy, intending to walk back to his room and collapse unconscious in bed and forget. But he was stopped by Teddy's next words.
"Stop hurting me!" the boy shouted. "You say you don't want me to get hurt. Or shunned. Well, that's what you're doing right now- what you did all last year! I couldn't stand it when I didn't hear back from all my letters to you! Can you imagine? I loved you then, and I sure as hell love you now! I was a zombie last year-no more than an inferi some of the time. I would lay on my bed for hours thinking about you, daydreaming, imagining what it would be like if only you would acknowledge me again-tell me it's alright or drop by or hug me or kiss me. I won't have you killing me with this, not when I had you. I don't want anyone else. No one ever makes me laugh like you do, or knows me as well, or makes me feel as safe! I don't want to be some silly, pining boy. I won't go back to that, Harry! I won't." The last word was broken, a rasp of what used to be Teddy.
Harry couldn't move. If he was honest with himself, Teddy's words petrified him. He couldn't remember a time when someone wanted him so much. All of his past relationships were short and unmeaningful. The general consensus was that Harry Potter was only worth dating because he saved the Wizarding World from imminent destruction. Harry easily got them and dropped them. Ginny Weasley had been his last genuine relationship and that was when he was sixteen. After so many years, to have Teddy want him for him, and so strongly, scared him shitless. And from a teenager? How would Teddy's feelings grow? Would they escalate or merely fizzle out? With Ginny, Harry hadn't wished to get back together with her after Voldemort's defeat, despite her interest; instead, he had wanted to focus on his godson, not distracted by a woman. And this is where that train of action arrived.
Harry was afraid to find out what a real relationship could mean. And that was the essence of his fear; for, if Harry discovered Teddy's feelings were growing, Harry was unsure if he could match the boy's expectations as a lover, his only experience from one-night stands and nameless women. When it came to love, he was useless, his past actions being an example of how he handled situations with people who loved him.
And, although the thought of Teddy rejecting him or losing interest shot a jolt of pain so deep in his chest he was sure his heart would stop beating, it was nothing compared to the raw panic he felt tiding in his stomach when he thought of how Teddy's feelings may be extremely genuine.
"I'm afraid," said Harry, finally. He didn't expand, didn't think he could, but it was enough for Teddy who Harry allowed to maneuver his unresisting body around to look down at the boy.
"Of what?" asked Teddy. Harry sighed and lay a hand on either side of Teddy's head, leaning down to rest his forehead against the boy's, eyes shutting. Harry felt Teddy's arms curl up under his armpits, young hands resting on his own shoulders.
"This feeling."
"Not what others think?" They were both whispering, nervous that if they talked too loud they would never be able to resolve the conflict brewing, exploding it with sound.
"That, too," admitted Harry. "But that's only a small amount of it."
Teddy sighed, and the breath that left him on that motion hit Harry, invading his senses.
"I swear," said Teddy, "once I graduate, I'll be with you. No matter what. Even if Gran disowns me and everyone hates me. As long as you don't."
"I could never hate you."
And then Teddy kissed him and Harry kissed back, knowing he shouldn't but unable to stop it. It felt like a necessary part of being, like if he didn't kiss Teddy he might stop breathing.
And they, inevitably, ended up falling back into Harry's bed, fully clothed, pulling and pushing and getting as close as they could, until, when the heat was too much, they sunk under each other's flesh and reverberated echoes of longing into each others' bones as their world shook beneath them.
Teddy stayed.
O O O
A/N: I wrote the majority of this chapter in the dead middle of the night (1:30-4). I should not have been writing at those hours. But I am always more creative when I'm sleep-deprived, so here you arrhhh! matey.
I made a "The Dude" reference from The Big Lebowski in the chapter. Kudos to whoever can name the spot/theme. And it's not Teddy paying for milk with a .67 cent check lawl.
Also, if you're a nerd like me, you'd know that TBS does a 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story every Christmas, but idk if the Britons have TBS so wateva I give them the DVD.
AND REVIEW! I got 15 alerts last chapter and 1 review, which, don't get me wrong, is awesome; but, if I'm getting 15 alerts clearly people are reading, and I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE (MAKE LOVE TO) some feedback.
Peace out, brothahs from othah mothahs.