I stared out at the torrential rain without really seeing it. It was quiet, the house behind me full of sleeping people. I took a sip of my glass of water and wished it was beer. Alcohol would be good right about now but was pretty frowned upon for a nursing mother.

The dads had been great about everything, selling their houses fairly quickly and moving all three households into the one massive house while Jake worked and I got put on bedrest for the last trimester. Here we were, nearly a year later, and everything was going pretty well: Jake was doing great at the garage, moved up to General Manager and in talks with a couple of the guys about opening their own shop somewhere, the dads were loving retirement, spending lots of time fishing with Lucas and even Nessie on occasion. Apparently she was not as squeamish as I had been at that age and jumped in wholeheartedly when it came to hooking worms.

The kids were thriving under all the extra attention. They still outnumbered the adults, but the twins were too young to notice much inattention yet, content to suck on their toes and stare at the ceiling when left to their own devices. They were good babies, all five had been. I knew that was unusual and I was really glad I'd lucked out.

I stood up and stretched, walking over to the porch railing and looking at the yard, seeing it this time. The toys were scattered around, a couple in the driveway where Jake would have to move them in the morning in order to get out. He'd already backed over a tricycle and messed up the truck a little. Of course, Nessie's wails had trumped the truck in his mind and he'd immediately gone out and gotten her another one, to my frustration. I tapped my fingernails on the post thoughtfully. I'd get soaking wet if I went out and moved the bike Lucas had left behind the truck, but if I didn't, chances were pretty high we'd be buying a new one come morning.

I sighed and twisted my hair up, securing it with a tie and headed out into the yard. I was soaked before I got three steps from the porch. I grabbed the bike and wheeled it up to the porch, leaning it against the post before turning back to gather up the other shit in the yard. I was already wet, might as well pick up some.

"Bells?"

I looked up, my arms full of toys, and saw Jake standing on the top step, peering at me through the rain.

"What?"

"What are you doing?"

"Picking up." I dumped the toys into the large plastic bin we had for the toys. It seemed pointless since the kids didn't use it.

"Why? It's pouring rain and it's late. Come to bed."

"I'm not tired."

"Bella, come on." He reached out and wrapped his hand around my wrist. I sighed and shook my head.

"I'm fine, Jake, go to bed. I'll be in in a bit."

"Talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. Go to bed."

"Bella, dammit, enough." He was frustrated now, grabbing me by the waist and turning me to face him. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, Jake, my life is perfect. Fan-fucking-tastic."

He sighed and released me, pacing away from me. "What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing."

"You're a one-note song tonight, babe, and its getting old."

"Fuck you," I muttered, slumping into my chair and staring out at the lawn.

"Fuck, what? What did I do?"

I sighed and shook my head. "You didn't do anything, Jake. It's all me. I'm embarrassed."

"By what?"

"You have to ask?"

He stopped in front of me, leaning on the railing and crossing his arms and ankles. "Money."

"Yes. Money. I'm embarrassed we had to ask our dads for help."

"They don't mind. No one minds but you."

"You don't mind even a little bit?"

"No, actually. My culture is all about families raising families. Living together in large groups and all that shit. It's comfortable to me."

I nodded, pulling my knees up to my chest and hugging them as best I could. After five kids, I was pretty rounded now. No more slim little girl, I was now what you'd call a well rounded individual.

"They're almost weaned, you know," I said softly. "Maybe I can get a job now. Ness will be starting preschool in the fall and Lucas will be in first grade. That just leaves three for day care."

"Bells, you know the financial part is the tricky part."

"I do, but aren't you and Paul starting the garage soon?"

"Maybe."

"I'll come be manager and you two knuckleheads do the grunt work. I'll bring the kids along."

"I don't know."

"You don't want me around." It was a statement more than anything. There'd been a growing distance between us the past couple of months. Our sex life had died, too. I felt like Jake hadn't even looked at me since before the twins were born and that hurt more than just about anything.

"That's not it."

"Bullshit." I stood up then, shivering now from the cool breeze. I started into the house when Jake grabbed my wrist.

"Bella, that's not it. It really isn't. I'm not sure I want the kids there. Language at a garage is not exactly kid friendly."

"Oh, and we are?" I snorted, twisting my wrist slightly in his hand and grabbing his forearm. His skin was smooth and warm under my hand.

He smiled slightly and sighed then, pulling me closer to him and wrapping his arms around my waist. He rested his chin on top of my head and I pressed my face against his chest.

"I miss you, Bells. I hate that you've become so down the past few months."

"Not your fault. I think this last pregnancy just really took it out of me."

"We should go away for a few days, just us."

I laughed and shook my head. "Go where and with what money?"

"Maybe we can just hole up in our room."

I smiled and nodded. "Sounds good. You get to tie the kids up somewhere with food and water and send the dads away."

"Can't they take the kids?"

I chuckled. "Maybe Lucas, but Nessie wouldn't like it and Bill and the girls are too young."

"Shame." He rocked me back and forth for a moment before releasing me. "I'm going up to bed. You coming or are you going to stay out and sulk?"

I sighed. "I'll come."

He smiled softly at me and held the door for me. I led the way through the quiet house, past the kitchen and Billy's room and bathroom and upstairs. I paused upstairs to check on the kids, first the nursery where the twins were sleeping peacefully, then the boys' room and then Nessie's tiny little room. All were sleeping soundly, spread eagle in their beds just like their dad. I smoothed silky black hair and kissed warm dusky foreheads before making my way into my room.

Jake was already back in bed, his back to me as I pulled out a dry nightshirt and panties and ducked into the bathroom. I toweled my hair relatively dry and changed into the dry clothes. I studied myself in the mirror for a moment before sighing and turning off the light.

I didn't like who I'd become this past year. I'd fallen head first into post-partum depression and was having a really hard time climbing out of it. The move, the kids, the money, all of it had crashed down on me and buried me at the bottom of my pit of despair and I felt alone down here. Utterly and completely alone.

I could hear the deep even breathing signaling Jake was fast asleep. I crawled in on my side and settled in, my back to his back, staring at the wall. I could see the outline of the frames with the pictures I knew by heart: ones of the kids from last 4th of July laughing and covered in ice cream or condiments or sand, depending on the time of day the picture had been taken. There was one up there of me in the hospital, holding the twins moments after their birth. I was all sweaty and puffy and looked horrible and ecstatic. There was one of Jake and me when we were teenagers in high school, splashing around on First Beach. He was holding me in a fireman's carry and running into the water while I was screaming with laughter. Great photos of great moments. Some nights, it felt like those memories were the only thing that kept me going. Then I'd hear a snuffle or a cry from another room and I'd remember the five little people who all needed me. I blinked back a few tears as I listened to Jake's snoring. It always started with the soft snuffles.

I waited until he was in full on sawing logs mode before I climbed out of the bed and made my nightly trek into Nessie's room. I gently shifted her over and crawled into the twin sized bed with her, cuddling her close to me. She sighed softly and nuzzled against me. I combed her dark curls away from her face and closed my eyes, breathing in her sweet little girl scent. I knew I wouldn't get to do this for much longer. In a few years, cuddling with Mommy wouldn't be acceptable and she'd be more interested in boys and clothes and make up than in me. I was terrified of her as a teenager so I clung to these childhood years with a vengeance. Lucas had already started pushing me away so I was left with my babies.

I closed my eyes and slowly drifted off to sleep, lulled by the sound of the rain on the window.

I woke the next morning to the smell of coffee drifting up the stairs to me. Nessie was snuggled up against me, her thumb securely in her mouth as she studied me with wide brown eyes.

I smiled and smoothed her crazy hair. "Morning sweetie."

She pulled her thumb out of her mouth for a moment. "Morning, Mommy. Daddy's making pancakes."

"Sounds good. Should we go downstairs and get some?"

She nodded and climbed off her bed, running down the steps to the living room below. I could hear Dad and Billy greeting her enthusiastically. I smiled and pushed myself up, stretching tiredly. I always had a crick in my back from sleeping in this tiny bed butted up against Nessie.

I headed down the hall and smiled at my girls. Molly was standing up in her crib, her hair just as crazy as her older sister's. Olivia was sitting beside her looking confused. she always looked confused when she woke up.

Molly beamed at me and reached for me. "Ma," she laughed. I grinned and picked her up, settling her on my hip.

"Morning Sunshine," I laughed, kissing her temple. I awkwardly scooped up Olivia and set her on my other hip. She curled into me, resting her forehead against my neck and sucking on her thumb.

I walked carefully downstairs to the living room where I could hear Bill and Lucas arguing over something. I never understood what a seven year old and a 2 year old could have to fight about, but these two still managed to find something.

"Mine," Bill said stubbornly as I reached the bottom step.

"No, its mine," Lucas was insisting.

I set the girls down on the floor where they quickly made a beeline for their grandfathers who happily scooped them up. Before I could fully straighten up, I heard a bang and a wail. I moved faster than I thought I could, arriving in the kitchen to see Jake standing at the stove with Nessie on his hip staring at Bill who was laying on the floor beside a kitchen chair that had overturned. He was screaming at the top of his lungs while Jake and Lucas both stood in shock.

"What happened?" I gasped, dropping to my knees and scooping up Bill. He turned into me, sobbing against my chest.

"I didn't do it," said Lucas defensively. "He fell."

I looked up at Jake and he grimaced. "I didn't see."

"Bill, sweetie are you hurt?" I started to pat him down gently, looking for cuts or scrapes or whatever.

He was trying valiantly to stop crying, shooting mortified looks at his brother and father and now grandfathers who were in the doorway. He wasn't used to being the center of attention, my sweet middle child, and having all the men in the family watching him was not something he liked. He reached up and touched his head.

"Head hurts."

I sat him forward and winced when I saw that he already had a fairly large lump forming on his head. Luckily he wasn't bleeding. I kissed it gently and hugged him.

"You'll be fine. Its just a bump."

He nodded and looked around the kitchen for a moment before pushing away from me and walking over to Lucas and hitting him.

"Bill, no," I said sharply. "We don't hit."

"He pushed me," he pouted.

I raised my eyebrows at Lucas. He scowled. "He started it."

I sighed. "Both of you, time out. Now."

They scowled but retreated to the time out chairs: hard plastic chairs facing opposite corners of the living room. Lucas was getting too big for the chair but for now, this was his main type of punishment. I pushed myself up as Jake set Nessie on the floor and served some pancakes onto a plate and set the plate into the oven.

"You weren't paying attention?"

"No, Bella, I had three kids and I was cooking," he muttered as Nessie scampered into the living room with her grandfathers and sisters.

"I manage to keep a pretty good eye on five," I shot back as I grabbed plates from the cabinet.

He gave me a look before turning back to the skillet. "So fine, you're a better parent than I am. Big fucking surprise."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Now was not a great time to start a screaming match, which was just what I so wanted to do.

"I'm sorry," I said carefully. "I just…I was scared. He could really hurt himself."

"He's a klutz, Bells," Jake's voice was just as moderated as mine. "He's just like you in that he can't hardly walk without tripping on air."

I set the plates down on the table a little harder than necessary. "What were they fighting over?"

"I'm not sure," he sighed, turning and leaning against the counter to watch me. "A toy or something. Anything Lucas has, Bill wants. He wants to be just like his brother."

"Yeah." I stood on the opposite side of the table from Jake, studying him. I was gripping the back of the chair in front of me so tightly my knuckles were white. My heart was slowing down but I was still upset. "Just think how the girls will all be."

A ghost of a smile crossed his face. "Just look at the boys as a warm up for that."

I nodded and released the chair, walking across the kitchen while Jake served up more pancakes, sliding the second plate into the oven to join the first. I opened the refrigerator and pulled out the milk and orange juice, setting both on the table before preparing a sippy cup of milk for Nessie and Bill. I was caught up in what I was doing and so was caught off guard when Jake walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my neck.

"I'm sorry I'm such an ass. I'll try to do better," he mumbled.

I closed my eyes and leaned back. I needed Jake more than I realized sometimes. He had always been the light in the darkness for me, the safe harbor in a storm. I'd always been able to go to him whenever I had problems and I hated that I hadn't done that recently. I turned in his arms and wrapped my arms around his neck, raising up on my toes and kissing him lightly.

"I'm sorry I've been distant and…just not me. It's hard to be where I am right now."

He nodded and stroked my hair lightly, pushing it behind my shoulders as he studied me. "Is there a reason why you don't sleep with me anymore?"

"Is there a reason you don't want me anymore?"

He groaned softly and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back. "That again?"

"Yes, that again. You haven't really touched me in over a year now, Jake. That's a long time for anyway, but especially for us."

He looked at me then and sighed. "You don't want me to. I try and you push me away. I look and you glare at me. I kiss you and you get angry with me. I can't read you anymore since you've been in this funk and I don't know what to do to make you see that you're my heart."

I laughed softly. "Sappy."

"You seem to like that, though. At least you smile."

I nodded and rested my forehead against his chest. "I think we need to go on a date or something. Have an evening without the kids. Or therapy. A date night's cheaper though."

"I'm on it. Tonight."

"I love you, Jake, I really do."

"I know you do. Why else would I keep putting giant babies in you?"

I laughed again and swatted him before pulling away. "Jackass."

"You love my ass."

"Eh, it's ok," I teased, moving to the living room to let the others know breakfast was ready.