All the usual Disclaimers… I don't own Twilight, no copyright infringement intended.
Beta'd by SUNFLOWER3759 Thank you! **Mistakes are always my own**
Enjoy!
Chapter 10
June 2010
BPOV
Alice and I spend the afternoon catching up, filling in the last ten years of our lives. Carlisle is still at the hospital and Esme has expanded her design business. Alice finally married Jasper three years ago and moved to Texas where Jasper took over a family business from his uncle Peter. Jasper and Alice have been together since high school. I was surprised it took them so long to tie the knot until she explained what happened to Edward.
She couldn't leave him while he was struggling with my absence. Edward-much like me-suffered a deep depression. He refused to acknowledge it and dealt with it the only way he knew how. While I took up running, he buried himself in work. Charlie had been instrumental in subtlety helping Edward through the roughest patch … my death.
"...That's how he met Tanya. She was his partner for a long time before ..." She trails off, seeing me flinch at the new topic.
"... I knew something was up with Edward, and I understood the moment I saw you pull up ... He loves you too, B."
My eyes snap up to meet hers, the pain and weight of what she is telling me displayed openly for her to see.
"Don't be so surprised. Did you honestly believe he could ever stop loving you?"
It was too much to ask for but having Alice say it out loud kept the glimmer of hope alive.
"He loves Tanya now."
"I guess he does… They spent a lot of time together because Edward was always working, and if he was working so was Tanya. I don't know Bella. I never had a really good feeling about her, but I was grateful when Edward started smiling more. She seemed to have a positive effect on him."
Every word cut a little deeper.
"After all these years though I still don't feel as close a connection to her as I did … as I do to you."
It's sad, but I'm glad Alice hadn't replaced me too.
"Edward needed you Bella, and when you left you took a significant part of him with you. Tanya knew she didn't stand a chance while Edward still carried a torch. When you died, Edward hit rock bottom. Tanya saw the opportunity and fought her way into a spot resembling yours. But it's not real because she never truly belonged there."
I let her words soak in, praying she was right.
"He's happy now?"
She let out a heavy sigh, "He was … he could be again …" She let that hang for a moment.
"What are you going to do about it?" She asks, her tone challenging.
Moments later the door opens, and the rustling of shopping bags and keys hit me. The anticipation of seeing Edward had my stomach in knots.
"Hello … is that Charlie's truck outside?" Esme's warm voice fills the room, and Alice and I stand to greet her.
The nerves I had about seeing Edward moments ago are now eclipsed with fear of what Esme would think of me being here. She and Carlisle don't know many details of my past or my connection to Aro. To insure their safety, it was agreed that information was on a need to know basis. I have no idea what story they were given about me, but I do know they think I'm dead.
Esme's sharp intake of breath and the sudden tears that spring to her gentle eyes gives me hope that I'm at least welcomed. Seconds later the tears are falling as she makes her way toward me.
She cups my cheeks softly, her gaze mesmerizing … it's like looking into Edwards eyes,
"Bella … how?"
xxXXxx
I left Alice and Esme a little lighter and with purpose … to find Edward. He never came back to the house like Alice expected him too, so she gave me his address; an apartment he shares with Tanya. Well, it's Edward's apartment, but Tanya spends most of her time there. I pull up and park next to Edward's car, and as luck would have it he's here, just sitting in his car, deep in thought. I'm not too sure what to make of that.
I get out of the beast and catch Edward's eye. He doesn't look surprised to see me, but he doesn't rush out to greet me either. I walk over to a nearby tree and picnic table to wait patiently for him to get out and face me. I have my back to him when I hear his car door open and shut. Feeling his approach I get up prepared to take whatever he's willing to give.
If I'm going on looks alone, the odds aren't in my favor.
There's no relief on his face like there had been at the diner, and it pains me to see him this way because the sight of him brings me so much comfort. I appear to be having the opposite effect on him now as we stand here, surrounded by deafening silence.
I have to plant my feet to keep from jumping into his arms.
"I wish I could take away your pain."
"Me too..."
"I hope you don't hate me."
I didn't think it was possible but right now he feels further away than when I was in Paris.
"I almost wish that were possible…"
Ouch…
"I know I've put you in an impossible position. Well, not quite yet, and after I say what I have to, you just might hate me."
He lifts his eyes from the ground to meet mine. I'm not sure what exactly they are saying, but I'm glad to be looking at them again.
Every part of me screams to hold him.
He's waiting, and I doubt it's for my embrace, so I will my mouth to say the words, so frustrated at my inability and the effort it takes.
For most, this is trivial, inconsequential.
For me, it's ... unnatural, goes against the grain, but I try for him. I want him to know how I truly feel, but what comes out is so frustratingly unexpected … true, but not at all what I intended.
"Would it be too much to ask you to choose, me?"
My jaw quivers at the sight of his clenched fists and tight jaw. He looks about ready to explode.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
He doesn't pause for an answer.
"You left me Bella. It's been ten years, and for six of them I thought you were dead."
Enduring the bite in his voice is far worse than any punch or kick I've ever been dealt.
"When Charlie gave me that news it ... ripped… my …fucking ...heart ... out! How could you do that to me!" His anger and pain is palpable.
"I just wanted you to be happy." ... so I can steal it away from you, once again … just like this ... I realize.
God, is there no end to my selfishness?
"Great. Mission accomplished." His voice now totally void of emotion.
Silence.
He's focused on the ground again, and my eyes are trained on him. I've been denied the sight of him for too long to waste another second looking elsewhere. Good, bad, or indifferent-I refuse to tear my eyes away from this man in front of me.
"I can't do that to Tanya ... I've finally made peace, moved on, and you show up here like a fucking apparition."
It's not clear if he is talking to me or just out loud, and I don't know how to respond, but I have to try, right?
He doesn't want to hurt her.
He loves her.
Not me.
The pain slowly snakes itself around my chest and constricts, leaving me breathless.
"I needed to see you again." I say timidly.
It's a poor excuse, but I have a feeling saying 'I love you' now … if I could even manage it, would not be well received and, it quite frankly would just be cruel.
"I would have waited Bella ... I would have waited forever."
I've fallen on my own knife and his words have twisted it, sending a shooting pain right through my heart.
He's telling me we're over.
It's really too late.
It's not the outcome I wanted, but at least I know I tried. My only regret is opening up old wounds that should have never existed in the first place. I take a deliberate mental picture and etch it into my memory … his profile, the contour of his face, the sharpness in his jaw and the soft pout of his lips.
Seeing him again; is the best kind of torture.
Loving him is the best pain.
Feeling it reminds me it was real, once upon a time.
I close the distance between us.
It's wrong, but I'm tired of fighting, and if this is the last time I'll see him I need to see his face, his eyes, up close. I reach out and cup his jaw, gently stroking the stubble of his cheek and tilt his face toward me, thankful he isn't pulling away. The heat of him under my fingertips, the sight and smell of him this close has my insides quivering with the strongest desire to be his Bella. Again the words are on the tip of my tongue like they were ten years ago when we said goodbye; only this time he is not asking me to stay.
I swallow past the lump in my throat and hope my expression once again conveys what I've never been able to say. He also takes his time scanning my features before meeting my eyes. We both know this is goodbye ... goodbye without the promise of tomorrow. My hands slowly slide down his neck, shoulders, chest and abs before falling to my sides, our fingers barely grazing. My heart thundering in my chest, our shallow breaths the only sounds I hear.
Words would only make this harder; hurt more.
I silently step back and turn, slowly walking away. I head for the truck, but after a few more steps I feel the need to run, so I pass the truck and start jogging, picking up my pace until I'm running faster.
It's not enough.
I need to feel the burn.
The ache.
Somewhere else … anywhere else, but where it is currently hurting the most.
I push my legs harder until I'm sprinting.
He doesn't stop me.
Running has been a source of comfort over the years. The feel of the wind in my face, the pounding of my feet against the pavement clears my mind. I desperately need that comfort and clarity now. I push even harder letting my legs carry me farther away from my heart. My lungs suck in air steadily as my muscles continue to take a beating. I can run for miles before feeling any fatigue, so simply running won't give me the desired effect that sprinting could.
Spring time in Paris had me running eight to ten miles a day. Chicago in the summer doesn't have the same effect. Finally reaching my peak, I have succeeded in displacing some of the pain to more manageable areas. I no longer am able to sustain my pace, so I slow down and find myself nearing some old stomping grounds.
Several miles later I spot the church. I used to collect behind this church. I start jogging as I get closer until I'm walking the last few blocks. I never took the time to truly appreciate the building. It's majestic among the drab backdrop. When I would come here, it was in the dead of night. I came for one thing, and one thing only, then I was out. I stop in front on the church and pull out my phone to call Charlie now that my breathing has regulated.
"Swan," Charlie's gruff voice fills my ear.
"I'm out C." He knows what that means.
"Where to kid?" He asks with a twinge of disappointment that breaks my heart just a little bit more. Spending time back here has only strengthened our bond. We fill a void in each other's lives and having to part this way once again, is disheartening.
"Paris," I say confidently. I hadn't realized it at the time, but I led a peaceful life during my exile in Paris.
Peace is what I need now.
"You sure?"
"Yes, and I'm sorry, I left your truck at Edward's place."
"Where are you?"
"That church on N. Carpenter."
"How'd you get all the way over there?"
"Ran."
"Jesus Marie, how long have you been running? That's got to be close to twenty miles."
It's not. Maybe closer to ten or twelve running through short cuts, might be twenty driving.
"It's not that far."
"Stay put I'll come pick you up."
A/N
So what did you think? I hope you aren't too disappointed that E and B didn't fall into each others arms and forget the rest of the world. That's just not how it played out.
Warning: The next chapter gets a bit violent, graphic … bloody, the body count goes up and it all happens in a church so if any of that bothers you please skip Chapter 11 (although… my beta, SUNFLOWER3759 says it's the best chapter so far!)
Shout Out to fellow new and semi-new writers who have read, reviewed, and may have even sent you my way!
The Songs of Our Lives by: luvtwilight4eva
This life is not an easy one. It's marked by two consistencies: life and death. Everything in between those are just...songs of one's life. Follow Edward and Bella as they contend with the various songs that have marked their lives.
Volturi Bed & Breakfast by: Lovepotionsbrewer
Bella Swan makes the only logical decision when her father dies a year before she graduates from college. She buys a Vermont Bed and Breakfast with the unexpected inheritance. Edward is a native Vermonter who thinks he knows everything about the kind of person who moves into his State. Eventual lemons - minimal angst. Lots of Vermont-made, syrupy sweetness.
Thank you all again for following, reading, and reviewing!
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