Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or any of its characters. I also do not own either of the movies, The Parent Trap, which is where I got the idea for this chapter.
By the way, there's a comment in there said by Zacharias that may sound offensive to those who have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Just know that I have no issues against it, and that Zacharias is an ass who offends everyone. I'm not trying to make anyone feel singled out.
Chapter Ten: A Very Hufflepuff Chrismas Part I
"It's almost Christmas! It's almost Christmas! Just one more month 'till Christmas!" Justin sang. "Christmas is my ALL-TIME FAVORITE HOLIDAY! Once my mom brought me to the mall to meet Santa, and he was all like 'hello there little fellow, what do you want for Christmas' and so I told him all the stuff I wanted—candy, and a puppy, and a blender…"
"Christmas sucks."
This statement was surprisingly said in unison by both Zacharias and Ernie.
"Guys, why do you hate Christmas?" Hannah asked. "It's a time for cookies and snow angels, and best of all… presents—I know that this year I'll finally get that pony I always wanted—I JUST KNOW IT!"
"A: I'm Jewish and I don't celebrate Christmas," Zacharias said. "I think it's presumptuous of the school to title our vacation as 'Christmas Holidays' when not everyone in this school is a Christian."
"Since when are you Jewish?" Susan asked.
"Since the beginning of time, Susan" Zacharias said. "Do you have a problem with that? Do you?"
"No, no of course not!" Susan said. "I think it's great that you're Jewish!"
"It's fine Susan, I was just screwing with you," Zacharias said. "Anyway, reason B for my hatred towards Christmas is the vacation we get. Now I have to see my stupid parents."
"Of course, Zacharias," Ernie said, once again ready to engage Zacharias in a debate over who had the worst family situation. "You're going to complain about you're 'terrible' parents. I'm the one who really suffers the most—I'm most likely going to come back to school missing a vital organ!"
"Well at least your parents are reasonably sane," Zacharias said. "My mother is constantly crying…"
"Oh, Zacharias, is she depressed?" Susan asked, concerned. "Because I could always hook you up with some medication if she needs it—I've got connections."
"No, she's not depressed," Zacharias said. "Just extremely emotional. The majority of the time it's 'tears of joy' for the stupidest reasons, even for trivial things."
"My mom has a nervous twitch," Justin said, not wanting to feel left out.
"And my dad…" Zacharias shuddered. "He's the worst. He laughs constantly. Such an annoying laugh it is… Oh, it haunts me in my worst nightmares to this day… hahaha. And what's even more annoying are his persistant attempts at engaging me in 'father-son' activities—NO I DON'T WANT TO GO FISHING, DAMNIT!"
The other four stared at Zacharias.
"Flashback," he said sheepishly. "But seriously, Ernie. I would kill to be in your position, with parents who are less doting."
"It's called love, Zacharias," Ernie said. "And you have no idea what I would give to be in your position."
The five were silent.
"Did anyone else just share that epiphany?" Ernie asked.
"What's an epiphany?" Justin asked.
"It's all clear now," Ernie said. "Zacharias and I need to switch places during the Christmas Holidays. I'll go to his family and finally experience love, and Zacharias can go to my hell-hole and realize that I was right and that he had it good all along."
"Great idea, Thomas Edison," Zacharias said, sarcastically.
"Who?" the others asked.
"American guy—never mind," Zacharias said. "But anyway, your plan has a flaw: don't you think our parents will notice that we're not their kids?"
"Oh, Zacharias, quit being so negative," Hannah piped in. "Everyone knows parents are stupid. They'll never notice. Just tell Ernie's mom and dad that you went on Atkins."
"I guess you have a point, Zacharias," Ernie said. "If only there was some way we could disguise ourselves to look exactly like one another…"
"I know!" Hermione Granger chose that moment to make her entrance.
"CHIPMUNK-GIRL!" Hannah cried in terror.
"You know," Hermione said, slightly annoyed. "I have assured you again and again, on every occasion that we meet that I AM NOT A RODENT. And I find it quite offensive that you would continue to assume otherwise."
"It's a reflex…" Hannah said.
"Oh look," Zacharias said. "The Gryffindor has returned to 'educate' the stupid little Hufflepuffs. Obviously, we are not capable of figuring out a way for Ernie and I to successfully trade places without making our families suspicious."
"Fine," Hermione said. "Figure it out on your own."
"Maybe we will," Susan said.
The five Hufflepuffs sat in deep concentration for five minutes, scouring their brains for an answer.
"I got nothing," Hannah said.
"Ditto," muttered the others.
"Okay, Granger," Zacharias sighed. "Tell us your brilliant plan."
"Polyjuice Potion," Hermione said. "I figured that my friends are going to be in need of some type of illegal potion by next year—part of the contract for our friendship; I might as well practice with you five."
"…Sure, make the Hufflepuffs the guinea pigs…" muttered Ernie.
"Chipmunks?!" Hannah asked in alarm.
"No, a guinea pig is a different species of rodent," Hermione said, unable to resist the opportunity at proving her ability as a know-it-all.
"Just tell us how to make the stupid potion," Zacharias said.
"Well I'll need to gather up the ingredients," Hermione said. "And it'll take a month…"
"Well then," Susan said. "Zacharias won't be able to participate, a month is far too long—he's afraid of making a commitment."
"What the hell is it with you women?" Zacharias asked. "We're not even twelve and you want to get married. Then, the minute I say no, I'm accused of having a phobia of commitment!"
"Yeah, Susan," Ernie said. "You're turning into a psycho-bitch like Hannah!"
ERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEADERNIE'SDEAD
"Finch-Fletchley!"
"Here!"
"Goldstein!"
"Here!"
"Macmillan!"
A blank silence filled the room.
"Macmillan?"
Still no reply.
"Miss Abbot?" Professor Snape asked. "Where is Macmillan?"
"He's absent," Hannah answered.
"And why is he absent?" Professor Snape asked.
"Crotch-related injury, Professor," Hannah answered.
CROTCHRELATEDINJURYCROTCHRELATEDINJURYCROTCHRELATEDINJURY
"The potion is almost completed," Hermione said to Zacharias, Susan, Hannah, Justin, and Ernie. "Not that I had any help…"
"We're Hufflepuffs, what do you expect?" Zacharias asked.
"Aren't Hufflepuffs supposed to be hard-working?" Hermione asked.
"We are hard-working… in comparison to the other students at Hogwarts," Susan said.
"I've been busting my ass!" Hermione shouted. "I'm in Gryffindor and I've put in more effort than the five of you combined."
"By the rest of the students," Zacharias said. "We mean the ones without OCD."
"I have an excuse!" Ernie said defensively. "I was in the Hospital Wing."
"For a month?" Hermione asked skeptically.
"It took a month for Madame Pomfrey to heal my… area, even with the use of magic!" Ernie said, glaring at Hannah. "She says I'm lucky that my… area is still functional after the trauma you inflicted on it."
"Ernie grow up," Justin said. "There is no shame in using the actual term for your 'area.' Say 'fun part' like everyone else."
"Anyway, Granger," Zacharias said. "We leave on Christmas Break tomorrow. Is the potion ready?"
"All I need is a piece of Ernie's and your hair," Hermione said.
"Ewww, Hermione you sicko!" Justin said. "Couldn't they just pay you in galleons or something? Seriously, what kind of person is into taking other people's hair?"
"It's to put into the potion, you dumbass!" Hermione said. "I don't know why I bother associating with you people."
"I ask myself the same thing every day," Zacharias said. "But seriously, I have to drink Ernie's hair? What if the loser-ness is contagious?"
"…And everyone wonders why I have self-esteem issues…" Ernie said.
"Well yes, you have to drink the potion containing Ernie's hair," Hermione said. "That's the only way it will work!"
"That's disgusting!" Zacharias said, absolutely repulsed.
"Hey!" Susan said. "A women who lives down the hall from my parents ingests her own hair. She happens to be a very nice lady."
"So, let me get this straight," Zacharias said to Susan. "If I don't drink the hair-potion, you will be personally offended?"
"Right," Susan said.
"Terrific," Zacharias said. "Well, I guess it's worth not having to see my parents this Christmas. Plus, I saw what happened to Ernie when he angered a woman."
"It was terrible, man…" Ernie shuddered.
"I believe that if you two know enough about each other's families, then you will have no problem pulling this scheme off," Hermione concluded.
"Oh crap," Zacharias said. "I barely know anything about your family—besides the violence thing."
"I only know about your dad's excessive laughing, and your mom's excessive crying!" Ernie said in alarm.
"It looks like you two have twenty-four hours to bond," Susan said.
"How are we supposed to get to know every intimate detail of each other's family life in twenty-four hours?!" Ernie asked.
"Slumber party," Hannah said. "Just the two of you…"
BONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDINGBONDING
"Well… isn't this awkward?" Ernie said to Zacharias.
"Shut up!" Zacharias snapped.
Zacharias was a bit upset due to the fact that Susan, Hannah, and Justin had locked him and Ernie up in together in their dormitory to 'bond.' Justin, was participating in a slumber party with Susan and Hannah to give the two privacy. (His love for interior decorating caused the staircase to allow him into the girls' dormitory.)
"I cannot believe those assholes are sadistic enough to lock me up in a room with you," Zacharias muttered. "Those freaks think they have the right to do this to me…"
"Okay, stop!" Ernie said. "One: Quit using those italics, they're annoying and weird—gosh, why are they so slanty? Two: I'm just as miserable as you here…"
Zacharias growled.
"Okay, almost as miserable," Ernie said. "But this is for a good cause. Remember, it is imperative that we know everything about each other's families in order for the 'switch' to work."
"I guess you're right," Zacharias sighed. "Well, where do we start?"
"How about, I tell you about some family traditions we have," Ernie said. "Every Christmas, my parents like to decorate the entire house red and gold—after the Gryffindor House…"
EIGHTHOURSLATEREIGHTHOURSLATEREIGHTHOURSLATEREIGHTHOURSLATER
"Omigod, you like to eat your oreos with peanut butter, too!" Zacharias squealed.
"I can't believe it," Ernie said. "That is SO freaky!"
"I know!" Zacharias replied.
"Careful, careful," Ernie giggled. "You're going to mess up your pedicure if you keep wiggling like that!"
"It was such a cute idea to get matching pink toe nails!" Zacharias said.
"I know, right," Ernie said.
Suddenly, the door burst open.
"RISE AND SHINE SLEEPY-HEADS…" Justin's voice trailed off.
Justin, Susan, and Hannah stared at Zacharias and Ernie, who were sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, surrounded by several bottles of nail polish and various other cosmetics.
Zacharias and Ernie stared back at their friends.
"We will never speak of this moment," Zacharias said.
"Agreed," the other four replied.
PEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICUREPEDICURE
The train-ride from Hogwarts to King's Cross seemed to last an eternity to Zacharias and Ernie. At last, it came to a halt.
"I guess we should drink the polyjuice potion," Ernie said.
"I guess so," Zacharias said.
They each, reluctantly, added the other's hair to their glass of the potion.
"On the count of three, we drink," Ernie said.
"ONE, TWO, THREE," they chanted in unison. They each gulped down the substance.
Zacharias was the first to gag. "Aghh! Omigod, Ernie. Have you ever heard of dandruff shampoo?"
"Ahhh! Uhhh! Oh god, that's disgusting!" Ernie spat. "Do you wash your hair with battery acid?"
"No, it's a salon product," Zacharias said.
Ernie stared at Zacharias.
"Shut up!" he growled. "My hair is very high-maintenance. See for yourself!"
Zacharias handed Ernie a mirror.
"Oh wow!" Ernie said. "I look just like you!"
Ernie then looked at Zacharias.
"You guys are right," Ernie said in awe. "I do need to lose a few pounds! Wow, it's different now that I can see me from your perspective. I can really relate to why you always made fun of me for expecting to get into Gryffindor—I do really look Hufflepuff-ish."
"So, we should probably go and meet each other's families," Zacharias said.
"I guess this is good-bye until the end of Christmas Break," Ernie said.
There was an awkward pause.
"Should we, like, hug?" Ernie asked.
"What? No!" Zacharias said.
"The others were right about you being homophobic…"
"Let's just leave!" Zacharias snapped.
"Well, then," Ernie said. "Bye."
"Bye," Zacharias said. "See you at the end of Christmas Break."
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Thank you for reading this latest chapter of The Secret Lives of Hufflepuffs. That was part one of "A Very Hufflepuff Christmas."
I would like to give my thanks to all who reviewed my last chapter: LunaSky, NickyFox13, and Goblet-of-fire-gal. To anyone who's reading, I would really appreciate reviews. They help me with the story a lot.
L.lulu