Chapter 10: I Want To Believe
Sam's POV
There is something so alluring about the idea of a fresh start. You know, the chance to just go somewhere new and start over. It's like everything up to this point has been a prologue, and once high school is over…the real story begins. I've had a hard time deciding whether or not I actually believe that. I want to more than ever right now, though. I want a chance to prove myself to people, who I can be…where I'm going. I want to leave Seattle…and all the expectations and memories that it holds. I just want a chance to be free from it all, for the first time in my entire life. Maybe New York is my answer. Maybe it can give me the sort of life and experiences I've always wanted. Nobody knows me there. Nobody knows where I came from or what my past is like. I can just be me…whoever that ends up being. And that's kind of the exciting part. I can actually be Samantha Puckett…I won't be judged about every choice I make. I won't have my juvenile past thrown back in my face every two minutes. I've never really taken the time to think about all that before…until right now. This past week has been straining and emotional…and confusing. It has left me more unsure of my future than ever. And I've had a lot of time alone to finally think about what the right thing is to do. Maybe it is New York and Parsons. Maybe it's not. But I think I am finally ready to find out.
I think that this past week has taught me a lot of things. It's taught me that I am stubborn and indecisive…but it's also taught me that I like being alone at times. I like the idea of having my own opinions about my life without other people interfering. After my confrontation with Freddie last week, I've avoided him at all costs. Not a single word…or even a slight glance. I know that if I do, I will never be able to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. So, I have to stay away for now. Maybe that's childish, but I honestly just need to be away from him for a little bit. I love him…I probably always will, but maybe I need to be my own person before I find the guy I want to be with forever. Sure, our relationship was intense and crazy…unexpected. But, I was happier than I'd ever been in my whole life. And I gave up an incredible opportunity for him….and that's not who I am. I'm independent and strong. I need to get back to being strong again. I don't like being weak and relying on everyone around me to pick up the pieces of the messes I cause. I put on a show, so I seem lazy and uncaring. But honestly that's not me. Yes, I've had a hard life growing up. My father left when I was young and my mother hasn't been the same since. I've spent more time taking care of her than she has me. I don't resent that…it's the only thing I've ever known. I know she did her best, and I appreciate everything that I have. That doesn't mean I don't want to be my own person, though.
I've spent years being in Carly's shadow, just being a character in her world. For the most part, I've been okay with that. I mean, she's my best friend in the world and I love her to death. Sure, she's nosey and a little crazy sometimes. She almost always has to be right and butts into situations that aren't her concern. But none of that matters to me, I still know she's the one person who will always be there for me….no matter what I do or where I go. I think that is the most comforting thing in my life. At the same time, there are certain things I wish she never knew. I wish she wasn't so insistent…and pried information out of my ex-boyfriend. I wish he never would have opened his mouth. A part of me understands. Maybe he wanted her advice on how to deal with this. Maybe he thought I told her already. But another part of me will never understand. I thought that our relationship was something that was just ours. And I assumed that anything that came along with that would be ours too. I guess that's just not the case anymore. Maybe it never was. Maybe Freddie never cared about me at all. Maybe I was just an excuse to get to Carly. He did always claim to love her, right? How could I ever think that could change?
I don't want that to be true, though. I want to believe everything that Freddie has ever said to me. I want to believe that he loves me, that he'll always love me. I want to know that he'll be there for me, no matter what happens next. Even though I denied it to him last week, I guess a part of me….a big part of me, wants him to fight for me. I want him to prove that I can trust him. That he really is the good man I've always believed him to be. I'm just not sure there is anything he can do to prove that point to me now. He took something extremely private and told my best friend about it. Granted I should be glad he didn't blab it to anyone else, but it still feels like betrayal. I mean, we didn't even have a chance to talk about it before he was talking to Carly about it. That's the part that hurts the most. He felt more comfortable talking to her than me….about us. I know I should have stayed and listened to him last week. I should have been more understanding…more trusting. But that's not who I am. But I can tell you this…I've missed him so much this past week. I don't think we've ever spent this much time apart in years, and my life feels a little empty without him. While I've avoided him, I've also been staying away from Carly's. She came over here a few times, and said she understood if I needed some time away from Freddie. I wondered if she actually believed me or not. I kind of hope so, though. If I lose Freddie forever…it will be something that will take me a long time to get over. But if I lose Carly…it might kill me. I really need my best friend right now. I'm so happy to go to New York with her this week. I can forget about all this drama and have fun. We can have the trip we've talked about for years. We can do all the things we've always wanted to do in the city. Like, go to Times Square… and go to Barney's, even though we can't afford anything, see the plaza…and walk through Central Park. It's nothing insane, it's just stupid things we've always wanted to see. And I can't wait to finally get the chance to be free, on our own in the greatest city in the world.
I'm also looking forward to this week being the deciding factor on the rest of my life. I mean, if I love New York I'm gonna live there next year. That's kind of exciting to think about actually. Besides school, though, I hope that this will finally give me the clarity on whether or not I should let Freddie go for good. I've been back and forth a million times and I don't know what I should do. Sure, I haven't seen him all week and maybe that's made it easier in the idea of walking away. But, I'm not so sure I could really do it at the end of the day. I know that if I listened to my heart it would lead me to entirely different place than I am planning. Maybe that's a good thing. And maybe it's not. Maybe I need to start listening to my head a little more. It will tell me the sensible thing to really do. I feel like this is going to be a life changing trip for me, and I'm ready for whatever that entails. I think I can embrace this opportunity and know by the end what I really need to do. I know that if I decided to go to Massachusetts, I'd be alright. But I need to look down deep, and figure out how to be happy in every aspect of my life. I need to let go of this reliant idea I had a few months ago, of being with Freddie at college. I knew I'd have him to support me with my future. And I loved that idea so much…I just think that I might have on rely myself for once, though. And what I want, and what will make me successful. I need to stop thinking about other people and be a little more selfish than I have this past year. If I don't….I know I could up regretting a lot of things in my life. And that is the absolute last thing that I want to do…not now and not ever.
"Sammy?" My mom knocked on my door, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, mom."
"Are you packing for New York?"
"Just about to start."
"Uh huh." She said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "So, are you gonna tell me what's going on with you? Or do I have to start guessing?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Well…you're the quietest you have been since you were born. You look like you've been crying for days. And you've spend more time at home this week than you have in years. What gives?"
"It's nothing. I'm fine. I just…needed some time alone. That's all."
"Really? You just wanna be alone? Nothing's wrong?"
"Nope."
"So, this has nothing to do with you suddenly deciding to take off to New York?"
"Not at all. You know I want to go to college there."
"Yeah, but you haven't talked about that in ages."
"Well, I've decided to talk about it now."
"Uh-huh. Or…?
"Or what, mom?"
"Or, does this have something to do with that boy? What's his name? Nicky, Frankie…"
"Freddie?"
"That's it."
"And no, this has….nothing to do with him."
"You know you're a terrible liar, right? You can tell me about it if you want."
"Seriously, mom? It's not like we've ever really talked about anything before."
"I know that. But I'd like to change that if I can. Come on, Sam. If there is one thing I know about…it's men."
"That's for sure."
"Point taken. Look, I've had more guys walk in and out of that door. I don't want that to happen to you. So, come on. You and…Freddie dated for a while, right? He was always around….and then something happened."
"Yeah, it's no big deal."
"Sure it is. It's alright to feel bad about it ending, Sam."
"No, it's not!"
"Why not?"
"Because…everything that happened was my fault."
"Don't blame yourself for anything. Relationships go both ways."
"Not this time. I ended things, I have no right to feel…anything."
"Why not? I mean, why'd you break up with him?"
"Because I was scared. I was scared to let him all the way in…and to love him. So, I ran away and I've been running for months."
"Samantha….I know this has so much to do with me. And I'm sorry about that."
"What are you talking about?"
"I raised you and Mel to be independent and know that men are no good. That was wrong. And something I'm learning a little too late."
"Mom…"
"No. You deserve to have somebody love you, something I haven't done enough of. And I saw it in that boy's eyes. The way he looked at you…it was like you were his whole world." She told me, her voice breaking slightly. "And when I saw you guys, it made all the sense in the world."
"What did?"
"The two of you being together. I mean, you've been bringing him here for years. And I guess there was always something there, wasn't there? Yet, I never took the time to care enough or ask you about it. But when you started dating him, it seemed so right. I knew I could trust him with you, and he'd protect you. I could see how much he truly loved you. And…I don't want you to afraid to be in love, Sam. I want you to be happy."
"Thanks, mom. That really meant a lot to hear you say."
"I sort of wish I would have said more in the past."
"It's okay."
"No, it's not. But I'm gonna try to be here now. So, tell me the truth….are you alright?"
"No. I walked away from the greatest person I've ever known…and there's no going back." I told my mom as a tear slipped down my cheek.
"Why not?"
"Because….too much has happened now. I've avoided him for the last week, and maybe the more time we spend apart…the easier it will be to let each other go."
"But you don't want to. Did something more happen than just you guys breaking up?"
"It's nothing. It's just….last week he told Carly something about our relationship that I didn't want her to know. I thought I could trust him with anything…but I don't think I can anymore. I'm not even sure I want to."
"Look, if you really need to walk away for good…just make sure it's what you feel is right. Trust me, Sam…you don't want to wake up years from now plagued with a lot of regrets."
"Yeah, I know. But…how do I know what to do?"
"You don't. This is one aspect of your life…that you have to rely on your heart to make the right decision."
"So, if I went back to Freddie…I wouldn't be weak?"
"Of course not. You are a strong girl, Sam. But sometimes….it's okay to let your guard down. And if you love him…it will be worth it all in the end."
"I guess so. Thanks, mom."
"Anytime, kiddo. Alright so, you wanna grab dinner or something? Enough with all this sappy talk already. We can go somewhere with some sports on or something and yell at the TV."
"Sounds great. Actually, I think there's a hockey game on tonight."
"Perfect. I'll meet you downstairs in 10."
"Okay."
I think that might be the first time my mother and I have ever talked about something important. And it was the best thing in the world. I have always wanted to have a relationship with her that I could tell her things that are happening in my life. Maybe that will start now….although I don't want to get my hopes up. Maybe she is right, though. I can't let fear run my life. If I love Freddie, it should be worth it. I should stop running in the opposite direction. I just can't seem to stop myself from doing that, and that scares me a lot. I mean, what if I'm never happy because I'm constantly running away from happiness? That's what I did with Freddie last week…it's what I'm still doing today. There is just so much to consider and think about. My future rests on whether or not I want to forgive him and take him back. I think I need some time to really think about all the angles before I make a formal decision. That is why this week in New York will be good for me. It will take me away from all the madness and just let me think for a second. And that is exactly what I need right now.
Two days later
I haven't been to Carly's in over a week now, and being back here now is a little hard to deal with. I walked out that door last week, after my fight with Freddie, and didn't look back. I missed iCarly this week and feel a little bad about it. But I know Carly understood that I had to put myself before business this one time. She did pretty good without me, but I honestly can't wait to get back to it next week. I know that the second I walk in that building, I have the chance of seeing Freddie's face again and I don't really think I'm ready to. I don't have much of a choice, though. I'm leaving today with Carly to take off to New York. We leave in a few hours and I have to face the fear of just going inside already. Once I get to the eighth floor, I stand outside the Shay's door. I look between there and the Benson's. A part of me wants to knock on his door and lay my feelings out for him. I know I can't do that, though. Considering I don't know what they even are yet. That doesn't stop my heart from yearning for him. I finally pull myself together and walk through the door.
"Yo, Shay! You almost…ready?" I asked, as I slowly closed the door behind me and come face to face with my ex-boyfriend.
"Sam….hi." He said, softly and a little nervous.
"Hey." I stared at him for a few minutes, before breaking our eye contact and continuing through the apartment. "You almost ready to go, Carly?"
"You bet! I'm so psyched about this trip, Sam. It's going to be amazing."
"I know it is. We've only been planning it forever."
"And now it is finally happening. I can't actually believe we're gonna be in New York City! It has felt like a dream all these years."
"Well, quit dreaming Carls. Let's go!"
"Can I actually talk to you for a second, Sam?" Freddie asked, from behind us.
"Uh…"
"You know, I'm gonna go see what's taking Spencer so long with my bags. I'll be back in a…bye!" Carly said, and ran up the stairs. I almost followed after her, but my feet stayed in place.
"What do you want, Freddie? I said everything I wanted to last week." I told him, after I saw Carly disappear up the stairs.
"I know. Just listen to what I have to say for one minute. Then you can leave."
"Alright, fine."
"Look, I'm gonna be honest…this has been a hard week without seeing you. You ignoring me, and staying away from here…it's been really difficult to deal with. But I know this isn't about me or how I feel. And….I understand exactly what you were saying now. I didn't last week…and I'm sorry for that. I let my emotions talk for me and that was wrong. I know you have to do what you think is right. I know you have to follow your heart. I just hope that you find whatever you're looking for."
"Thank you, Freddie. That means a lot to hear you say all that. I know it can't be easy for you, and I'm sorry for that too. But, when I come back…I'll have all this figured out. I promise, it's just…I don't know what I really want or need from you right now. Maybe staying away from each other is the right thing to do."
"And maybe it's not. After everything that we've been through….could you really walk away forever?"
"I don't know. Maybe. That's why this trip is going to be really good for me. Getting out of Seattle will hopefully help me figure out what I want to do. I meant what I said…I just need some time, Freddie."
"And I meant what I said. And I won't ever take that back. You know, whether or not you know it right now. Or you realize it next week, next month, next year….we belong together, Sam. I believe that, and I'm never going to stop believing that. And I'm gonna do everything in my power…to make you see that too. Have a safe flight, Sam. I'll see you soon." Freddie told me, kissed my cheek, and walked out the door.
I turned around and watched him leave. I so badly wanted to chase after him and tell him I believed all that too. But I stopped myself, because I know that I need the time I told him I wanted. If I went running after him right now, I'd always wonder whether I made the right choice or not. I want to have faith that Freddie's right about us. I want to trust him, and what we have. I just hope I can decide sooner rather than later. This is going to be a productive week, and I know that when I come back here…everything will be okay. And I'll make the right decision, at least I hope I do. Because for the first time, I really do believe that Freddie wants to fight for what we have. And today, I saw the first step towards that and I couldn't be happier in this moment.
"Hey, Sam." Carly said, taking me out of my thoughts. "Is everything okay?"
"What? Yeah, everything's fine."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, for the first time in a long time…I'm actually sure about that."
"Good. Let's go to New York!"
"Finally!"
"Alright kiddies, let's get agoing." Spencer said, coming down the stairs.
"Spencer, I don't think agoing is a word." Carly said to Spencer, attempting to correct her brother's English.
"Um, I'm pretty sure it is Carls."
"Um, I'm pretty sure it isn't Spence."
"I'm the adult here. I think I know a little more about proper…words than a high schooler."
"And I don't care what you think you know…." Carly continued arguing as we walked out the door. And all I know is, this is going to be one long trip to the airport.