X. Pocahontas, September 18 to 20

"Truth or dare?"

Pocahontas looked at her best friend Nakoma, who had posed the question, then around at the others sitting around the bonfire. It was a small Saturday night gathering at Pocahontas's house between some close friends. John Smith and Thomas were there, as well as Charm and Aurora Eglantine, his date for the night. Apparently he had asked her out earlier in the week. Something about them didn't quite match up. In theory, they were very compatible, but the way they were awkwardly holding hands now suggested it wouldn't last. They were friends to begin with, so Pocahontas hoped the inevitable breakup wouldn't ruin that. But she doubted it would. Aurora dated lots of guys—not seriously, and not in a slutty way—but usually it didn't go past one or two dates, and things almost always ended amicably. Kocoum had been invited to the gathering as well, of course, but there was some kind of rift running between him and John and Thomas right now that Pocahontas didn't really want to get involved with, so she didn't press him when he said he didn't want to come.

Actually, to say she didn't want to get involved was kind of pointless—she already was involved and she knew it, even though she didn't want to admit that. So she pretended she didn't know that it was all about her. It had become apparent recently that both John and Kocoum were interested in Pocahontas, though she hadn't done anything to encourage either of them. Truth be told, she wasn't interested in either of them. They were two of her closest friends, that was all, and she hoped the silly feud would be over soon so they could be a group again.

"Truth."

John leaned over and whispered in Nakoma's ear. She smiled and nodded.

"Okay," she said to John, then looked at Pocahontas. "Who are you into right now?"

Pocahontas blushed, "Into?"

"You know what I mean!" Nakoma said, giving her a playful punch on the arm. "Who do you like?"

"Oh," Pocahontas said, looking down at her hands. "I—I'm not really interested in anyone right now."

Nakoma squealed, "Yes you are! Look at her face, she's lying!"

"Alright, I'll take a dare then," Pocahontas said defiantly, making a face at Nakoma.

"You can't do that, that's cheating!" Nakoma said, giggling.

Pocahontas looked over at John. He wasn't laughing. In fact, he looked rather serious. Oh dear. Maybe he was getting the wrong impression. Maybe he thought the reason Pocahontas wouldn't say who she was interested in was because that person was here, and that person was him. Or maybe he thought she was interested in Kocoum and didn't want to hurt him. Either way, it wasn't what Pocahontas wanted. She didn't want him to think of her that way. She wanted it to stop because she didn't want him to get hurt and she knew she would never be able to think of him that way.

"Give me two dares then!" Pocahontas said.

"Fine," Nakoma grumbled, then turned to John to consult with him about what would be fitting dares to punish her with.

"Okay, first, you've got to sing us a little song," Nakoma said.

"Alright," Pocahontas shrugged, comfortable enough with her singing abilities that she wasn't at all worried. "What song?"

"Well we don't want you to sing so much as—" Nakoma looked over at John and giggled. "Rap."

"Oh my god, no," Pocahontas said, somewhat horrified.

"Then you've got to tell us who you like!" Nakoma said.

"Alright, alright," Pocahontas said. "What song?"

"'Super Bass,'" Nakoma grinned.

Pocahontas sighed, took a deep breath, and recited the first verse of the song. Needless to say, she was no Nicki Minaj. John was smiling by the end, while Thomas and Charm were both laughing uproariously and Aurora and Nakoma were in fits of giggles.

"Happy?" Pocahontas tried to put an annoyed voice on, but she was smiling too.

"Very—that was bad," Nakoma said. "Don't ever take up a career in rap music."

"I wasn't planning to," Pocahontas rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling. "Who's next?"

"Hey, hang on—you said two dares," Nakoma reminded her—not that she needed to be reminded. Of course she remembered, but she was hoping no one would call her out and they could just move on.

"Alright, what is it?"

Thomas was leaning over John to whisper to Nakoma now.

"No!" she said, laughing, then paused a moment while Thomas said something else. "Oh—alright, alright."

Thomas looked smug as he sat back in his chair.

"So?" Pocahontas said, bracing herself for whatever they were planning to throw her way.

"You and Nakoma—kissing—with tongue—thirty seconds," Thomas said.

Pocahontas's mouth fell open slightly in surprise, then she closed it and nodded slowly.

"Okay."

Nakoma slid her fold-up chair over so that it was next to Pocahontas's. Pocahontas looked her best friend in the eye and could feel her heart beating quicker in anticipation. She hoped it wasn't obvious. Nakoma smiled slightly.

"You ready?" she asked quietly, so no one else could hear.

Pocahontas gave a subtle nod. Nakoma leaned closer and their lips connected. Pocahontas could hardly believe this was real. She felt Nakoma's mouth opening and opened her own. Instinctively her hand went to the back of Nakoma's neck and pulled her closer. She became aware of Nakoma's hand resting casually on her thigh. Her entire mind was focused on Nakoma and she had forgotten that anyone else was even there. Nakoma's hand moved to Pocahontas's face. Suddenly Pocahontas remembered where she was and pulled abruptly away. How long had that been? Surely it was more than thirty seconds.

"Well, that was about a minute and a half, but I wouldn't have stopped either," Thomas said with a grin.

"Oh, shut up, Thomas," Nakoma said, though for once Pocahontas was thankful that Thomas was there to lighten the mood.

John looked a bit stunned for a moment or two, then hid his expression of surprise behind his usual serious look. Pocahontas hoped everyone would just forget about the kiss but… that didn't seem like a likely outcome. She turned to Aurora, the next in the circle.

"Truth or dare?"

"So who was it?" Nakoma asked.

"Hm?" Pocahontas turned to look at her friend, yawning.

The two were lying in Pocahontas's bed in their pajamas. Everyone else had gone home and they had both brushed their teeth and were ready to go to sleep. But, as with all of their sleepovers, the time between crawling into bed and going to sleep was the time for talking. About anything. It was one of the few times they got to just talk, one-on-one, with no distractions.

"The guy you like," Nakoma said, and Pocahontas could just barely see her smile illuminated by the bit of moonlight streaming through the window.

"Oh—it's no one," Pocahontas said. "It's not even a big deal."

"It's John, isn't it?" Nakoma asked.

"No, it isn't John," Pocahontas said. "I know he likes me but—"

She allowed the sentence to hang in the air unfinished. She didn't know how to finish it. She just shrugged.

"So who then?" Nakoma asked, propping her head up on her hand and laying sideways to look at Pocahontas.

"I don't want to tell you," Pocahontas admitted.

"Come on," Nakoma said. "We're not little kids anymore, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. You're my best friend. You know you can trust me. I can keep a secret."

"I know," Pocahontas said. "I'm just—not ready to talk about it yet. I haven't told anyone. I want to see how things… play out first. Then I'll tell you. I promise. Okay?"

"Okay," Nakoma relented. "Just tell me one thing—it's not Kocoum, is it?"

"No, it's not Kocoum," Pocahontas said sincerely.

Nakoma nodded, put her head down on the pillow, and closed her eyes. Pocahontas looked at her. She wanted to reach out and brush her hair behind her ear. No, she wanted to lean over and kiss her. But she couldn't, and she wouldn't. That guy you like. That was what Nakoma had said. She had no idea that it wasn't a guy Pocahontas liked at all. That Pocahontas wasn't even remotely interested in guys, as she had finally admitted to herself last year. Finally admitted that no matter how much she tried to like guys, tried to enjoy kissing them and thinking about them, it just wasn't going to happen. She wouldn't be able to fit into what society deemed "normal." She finally admitted to herself that she wasn't just "into" her best friend. She didn't just "like" her. She was hopelessly infatuated, and possibly even in love with, Nakoma. She could still hardly deal with the idea, with knowing that Nakoma would never feel the same way.

It was kissing John last year, actually, that had made Pocahontas finally realize that she was a lesbian. That had been a mistake. It was John that had made the move, naturally, but Pocahontas hadn't resisted or tried to move away. He had kissed her and she had kissed back, trying to get into it. Trying to want him. Because if she couldn't make herself interested in John, then she knew there was no way she could be interested in any guy. In retrospect, she was sorry she had done it. She should have known better with all the evidence pointing her towards an exclusive interest in women, but she still had to try, didn't she? And now John was interested. Surely he was interested before, but now she had kissed him back so maybe she was interested too. But she wasn't. At all. And the only way she felt like she could make it up to him—the fact that she had led him on like that—would be to tell him the truth. Somehow.

Pocahontas closed her eyes, but her racing thoughts kept her awake. She knew eventually—maybe hours from now—she would drift off to sleep, but she wasn't sure her dreams would be any better than this. She opened her eyes again and looked over at Nakoma. She was definitely sleeping now. She breathed slowly and her expression was calm. Pocahontas reached over carefully and brushed her hair back. She smiled. She leaned forward slowly, cautiously, and gently gave her best friend a goodnight kiss.

Nakoma left early the next morning after eating breakfast. As soon as she left, Pocahontas sat down at her desk and took out a pen and paper. She sat like that for a long time, holding the pen millimeters over the surface of the paper, hesitant. She didn't even know where to begin.

"Well, let's start with the obvious," she muttered to herself.

Dear Nakoma, she wrote at the top of the page. Dear? That seemed a bit formal. She scrunched up her face, crumpled the paper and threw it in the trash next to her desk. Nakoma, she wrote. She nodded. That was better.

It took nearly two hours, but she eventually was able to put her feeling into words in a way that she didn't think was too corny, too sentimental, too awkward, or too anything else. She read the letter over, feeling nervous in the most cliché way possible. A pitter-patter in her heart, butterflies in her stomach. But she had told Nakoma that she would eventually tell her who it was that she liked. And the sooner the better—the longer she waited, the less courageous she would feel. Tomorrow was as good a day as any. And tomorrow she would give Nakoma this letter.

She pulled an envelope from a drawer, put the letter in, and sealed it. There. It was final. She wrote Nakoma's name neatly on the front then paused to look at it for a moment before putting it into the front pocket of her backpack. Tomorrow morning. First thing in the morning. That was when she would do it.

Not wanting to think about it too much—knowing that would only make it harder to keep the promise she'd made to herself—Pocahontas decided to keep herself occupied with other things in the meantime. She committed herself rather intensely to her homework for a couple of hours, and then she snuggled up on the couch with a book until it got dark. By all accounts it was a rather boring Sunday, but she didn't mind at all, knowing that tomorrow would be decidedly not boring, and not necessarily in a good way.

It was easy to find Nakoma on Monday morning. Every morning the two girls met outside the main entrance to the palatial school building. Nakoma practically bounced over to Pocahontas when she saw her, looking ecstatic.

"Are you alright?" Pocahontas asked, laughing.

"I'm great—I have something I need to tell you," Nakoma said, smiling.

"I… have something to tell you, too," Pocahontas said.

"Let's go sit down," Nakoma said, and led Pocahontas over to a nearby bench.

"You go first," Pocahontas said, sitting next to Nakoma.

"Okay," Nakoma said. "So—this has sort of been going on for a while, and I wanted to tell you, but… Well. I wasn't really sure of anything until this weekend so I didn't want to say anything in case it was nothing, you know?"

"I… know exactly what you mean," Pocahontas said.

"Well… I'm… going out with Kocoum!"

"What?" Pocahontas said—of course she had understood, but… she was surprised. Nakoma had never mentioned an interest in Kocoum before.

"I've sort of been interested in him for a while," Nakoma admitted. "And… he and I have talked about dating a little bit before, but I was worried that you might be interested in him and I didn't want you to get hurt. But since you told me you weren't interested in him… I went to see him on Sunday, and, well… he asked me to Homecoming. And to be his girlfriend."

"That's… great, Nakoma," Pocahontas said, though she was afraid her words didn't sound convincing enough. "I'm really happy for you."

But she wasn't happy. Not at all. There were several things wrong with this. Firstly, Pocahontas knew that Kocoum was interested—at least in some capacity—in her. Maybe he had gotten over it, or maybe he was getting over it, but she was worried that if he did have any feelings for her at all, it was Nakoma that would be getting hurt. The other problem was that Nakoma's plan to not hurt Pocahontas had failed. Obviously Nakoma couldn't possibly know about Pocahontas's feelings since she hadn't said anything, but that couldn't stop it from hurting. She tried her best to keep her expression cool though—to not let on that she didn't actually approve of Nakoma and Kocoum as a couple. She couldn't tell Nakoma any of these things.

Pocahontas reached over and hugged Nakoma, congratulating her again. Then Pocahontas told her that she needed to get to class to talk to her teacher about an assignment, and she hurried off. She knew she couldn't keep up the charade for too long. She had to get used to the idea before she saw Nakoma again, so she could keep a straight face. And of course the letter was out of the question now. As soon as she got to the empty classroom, she took it out of her bag and ripped it into as many little pieces as she could manage and scattered them angrily into the trash.