My Monotony

It wasn't quite fire to him, nor coal or burning flames. He was dying, subconsciously he knew that indefinitely. He was burning. There was no fire though, but you don't need flames to burn. Take nitro glycerine, or, in simpler terms, cold so freezing, it feels hot.

That was the thoughts going through Benjamin Cheney's mind as he went through hell. Burning – ice cold burning so sub-zero it was as if he was being frozen in time. He vaguely heard himself screaming in agony, but he payed it no mind. He was throbbing from every molecule in his body and that was all that occupied his mind.

He was slightly aware of a crash – the window, maybe? He didn't feel any glass shards hit him, but then again, the coldness seeping throughout his body froze him inside out and made him numb everywhere except for inside.

A soft murmur of voices resounded around his head – loud enough to be an annoyance but not loud enough to make them out.

"Ben?" A bell-like voice tinkled in his ears. "Shh..." It soothed, and he soon found himself slipping into monotonous misery.

*

I never even thought that vampires could feel the cold, and I actually doubted that they could, but at that moment I'd never felt so icy.

Despite the warm, life-sustaining blood in my system – warming up my cheeks, making my face and body flushed rosy – I shivered in the arctic feeling.

It didn't matter that I'd had blood at that moment, of course it didn't. All that had flown out the window the second I'd sank my deadly fangs into his neck. The same neck I'd kissed sweetly on numerous occasions; the same neck that used to flush tomato red when he caught me snapping a picture of him in mid-bite of his sandwich; the same neck that would never pulse with blood and life and Ben ever again.

I looked around detachedly. I had no idea how I'd gotten here, to this abandoned factory. Machinery everywhere all dusty never to be used again, wires and electric boards and conveyor belts littered the place, but not a soul could be seen. I sat down silently and balled myself up, resting my head on my knees. My jeans I'd worn underneath my grey cloak were blood soaked. I spilled his blood.

I dry sobbed at the thought, but no tears came. "Ben," I whispered out brokenly. "Ben, Ben, Ben..."

"You do make such a pathetic sight, Angela." A remorseful voice commented. My neck snapped up to see Demetri gazing down at me, as though he was an all powerful God and I was just a lowly peasant. However, at that moment, it was everything I deserved.

"Demetri." I whispered, voice flowing smoothly – not cracking like it should have – like silk; I'd just fed, I was at the top of my game. I could take him if I needed to... I nearly smacked myself at the thought. I deserve this, I shouted at myself internally. I killed him.

"Such disgrace doesn't suit you, Angela. Get up and come – we need to get back to Italy. Aro's going to be very disappointed in you." He said with an air of aggravation, lament and penitence.

I winced at the thought before hauling myself to my feet and leaving the Reaper. He would take me away from here, away from my thoughts and feelings and regrets, and deliver me to the Devil. And I deserved it.

*

To save me from running off again – or causing a scene, really – Demetri flew us back to Italy, and if I wasn't internally killing myself over the incidents of earlier that day, I would have been extremely disappointed. I adored the run I experienced before, and exhilarating feeling of the air and the trees and the grass under my feet; everything my amazing, new and ready to be discovered. If only I had a better control of that atrocious internal beast inside me, I could be with Ben right now, and he would be living and loving me.

But then again, who would really love me now?

We had landed a few hours ago and drove to Volterra. No chances, Demetri had informed me and hired a human driver. Often, I curse my guilt. If only I could just kill the man in the black and white suit who opened the door oh so politely for me. I looked like a wreck but he just smiled and nodded before saying 'ma'am' and shutting the limousine door behind me. I could not kill him as much as I could consciously kill Ben, and I never wanted to do that. It was the beast – I wondered briefly how long I could use that excuse. The first few years, but they had nearly passed, maybe I would be uncontrollable around humans forever?

I spent the entire car ride mulling over little things. What makes the pigments in the sky; why trains never seem to run on time; how dress makers make so many intricate designs... it was all pointless, however, they did their job and made me think about other things. Things like, not Ben or Demetri or Aro – God forbid. But of course, all too quickly I found myself standing in front of him, as he sat on his stone throne like he was the God of all vampiric society.

"Angel, dearest." His tone was warm, and I was suspicious. "Why... Why... Why?" He continued and shook his head as if I was a disappointing child who brought home a cigarette or got an F on a huge test. Not that I tried to escape, or directly defied an order from a superior. I didn't want to pay attention to him, he was unnerving me. I looked down at a sparkling ring on his pink finger and saw my now deep, bright, pulsing red eyes looking back at me. They hadn't been that bright since...since I was changed.

I fought back revulsion before looking Aro in the eye once again.

"I am afraid I cannot let this little incident go unpunished," he informed me, continuing in the warm tone of a saddened parent. "However, I am a little merciful today. I shall let you pick, Jane or Alec?"

I looked to the side of the room at my choice of torture. Jane grinned maliciously and Alec stared back bored, like he didn't see nor did he care. I wanted that. I didn't want to think or care or feel for Benjamin Cheney.

"Alec," I whispered and I felt nothing. It was the best week of my life.

A/N: Hey there, people. Now, I am so sorry for taking – honestly – forever to update. I just kind of...lost interest in vampires in general for a while. But I've started reading Interview with a Vampire and it's inspired me! So, sorry if my writing has changed; it does that when I change books and etc.

And just so everyone can picture him as I do, if you'd like, I think Ben looks like Ben McKenzie. It's probably the names, but I do think that that'd be what Ben Cheney would look like :)