Chapter 10: "Family time."
After my outburst in group, Shippo decided to punish me by taking away my visitation rights. It'd had been an entire month without Sesshomaru, and I was going through withdrawals. Until I officially apologized to the group... I wouldn't get to see him. Like what more did the old man want from me? I Participated in group, asking for anything else was just pushing it. I'd managed to hide in the corner watching everyone setting up. I envied them... their families would be coming to visit them. Despite how fucked up my family may be. They were still my family... and I loved them... kind of.
Two hours had passed, as I watched them hugging their mother, fathers, sisters, brothers. There were even some grandparents. You know who showed up for me? No one, I guess they didn't love me as much as I did them. I know I could be a pain sometimes, that I spoke without thinking. But I wasn't that bad was I? I was still lovable... Seconds later Shippo interrupted me, pulling me out of my dark depressing thoughts.
"Are you okay Higarashi?"
"If you're asking me, if my family not being here bothers me. No it doesn't. I'm fine." I lied.
I could see the pity in his eyes. "We're expecting a new patient in a couple days."
"You're telling me this because?"
"I'm just trying to get your mind off of family day."
"Well, you failed. Miserably."
He chuckled. "Come, follow me."
I followed him out of the meeting room into his office. It was completely different than I thought it would be. I expected ink blots, the curvy chair patients would lay on and spill the inner most darkest secrets. It was dark... comforting. I sat down in the midnight colored armchair.
"OK. We're going to try something."
"Something like?"
"Don't worry it won't hurt, it's to help you relax. So you can't be more.. trusting. "
"Put this on." He handed me a blindfold.
"Your not going to feel me up are you."
"Ha ha very funny Ms. Higarashi."
I slipped it over my eyes, leaning back into the chair. I heard him flick the lights off. It sounded like he was rearranging the furniture. His hands rapped around my ankles, sending shivers up my spine. He slipped off my shoes, his hands were soft and warm. He started to massage my feet, I melted as he worked his hands over the sole of my foot.
"Talk to me Kagome., what's going on?
"Kagome? What happened to miss Higarashi?"
"Talk."
I sighed. "Fine. Well, what do you want to know Shippo."
"Why were you sulking today?"
"No one came to see me."
"So, I was right. Your family not being here bothers you."
"They're messed up, but they're my family. Plus, no one likes to be alone."
"What about Sesshomaru?"
"What about him?"
"How do you feel about him? Would you say that you loved him?"
"I do."
"How do you know that for sure."
Usually I would've never opened up to him, but the was his hands were working my feet. I just couldn't stop talking.
"What do you mean how do I know? They're my feelings after all."
"Yes, but how do you know for sure?"
"I've wanted to be with him since the moment I laid eyes on him. He's perfect."
"Maybe you don't love him. you're just in love with the thought of him?"
"I don't think so."
"Think about it. You strive for perfection, and if you can't have it. It drives you mad, to the point where you have to harm yourself to feel better. You thought your family would finally be okay if you lost weight. When that didn't happen, you ended up in the hospital nearly dead. Now that your family is gone, Sesshomaru is all you have left. You see him as perfect, so if you were able to make him yours. All of this wouldn't have been for nothing."
"You're wrong."
"Look me in the eyes and tell me I'm wrong."
I slipped off the blindfold, ready to give him a piece of my mind... but I couldn't. The moment my brown eyes met with his green ones... I'd gotten lost. Lost in those deep emerald pools that sat below furrowed ginger brows.
"Well?"
"I can't." The words wouldn't come out. I didn't notice how hot he actually was until now. I shouldn't be having thoughts like this, but I couldn't help myself.
"Why is that Kagome?"
The way my name slipped past his lips excited me. "It's s because I want to be perfect, I want to fit in. In high school it's all about being perfect. Being with Sesshomaru, is as perfect as I could get."
He placed my left foot down, grabbing the right and started working his magic. While i waited for him to speak, my eyes started to wander. His lips were a soft pink color, his tie had been loosened. his sleeves had been rolled up, the veins bulging out of his arms.
He finally spoke. "What about after high school? What else will it take for you to become perfect? How far will you take it, just to become perfect in your own sense?"
I mulled it over... he was right. I didn't love him. I didn't really want him either, I just needed him to make myself feel better. At the time it felt so right, but the more I think about it I didn't need Sesshomaru to make me perfect.
What I really want. No, what I really need is... to start loosing weight again... that's the only thing that really makes me happy.