Chap. 10
True to our word, besides running over to Jane's apartment to grab a few things, we spent all of Thursday lounging about watching movies. We kept things lighthearted and carefree, and it felt great to take some time and just not have to think about what had happened with Hoyt. Knowing Jane, I knew that she would want to talk about it at some point, but now didn't seem like the time.
We had managed to make it through all three Indiana Jones movies throughout the course of the day. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had enjoyed them. Even though they were not very realistic, they were entertaining. As the credits rolled for the final movie, I took stock of the disaster that was my living room. Jane had managed to down a six-pack of her favorite beer in the course of the afternoon and evening, so there were beer bottles lined up on the coffee table. My glass of wine was lying, forgotten, next to the line-up of bottles. Our two half-empty pizza boxes were haphazardly thrown on the floor on front of the couch, next to a collection of discarded throw pillows from the couch.
I moved from my position on the couch to try and clean up the disaster zone a bit. Being friends with Jane had forced me to be able to handle clutter-her apartment constantly looked like a bomb went off- so I was accustomed to straightening up after "Hurricane Jane" passes through. Jane yawned loudly and stretched her long frame out to its full length on the couch.
"Well, I would say that 'Mission: Watch movies all day' was a smashing success… huh Dr. Isles?" Jane said lazily from her position on the couch.
"Yes, I would concur, Detective Rizzoli." I had grabbed the recycling bin and was tossing the beer bottles in, each landing with a satisfying clink.
Jane sat up and threw the fleece blanket off, and began to pick up the discarded pizza boxes. "So…we still have three whole days off, what's on the agenda Maura? Oh, I told my Ma we would do Rizzoli Sunday here to get her off my back after this whole Hoyt thing…hopefully that's okay. But that still leaves us all day tomorrow and Saturday right?"
Although I knew that Jane would need these days off to process things in her own way, I also knew my friend well enough to know that she would likely be stir-crazy after a day or two. It sounded like that was the case if Jane was looking for ideas for the next couple of days. I thought for a few minutes while I finished straightening up the room, then moved back to sit on the couch and curled my legs up under me. Jane was sitting on the other end, idly twisting a strand of her dark hair around her index finger.
"Rizzoli Sunday sounds good Jane. I don't mind hosting it here either. The weather is supposed to be nice tomorrow, so maybe we can walk around the waterfront for a bit or even head to the beach. It's too cold to swim, but we can take a nice walk along the shore or something…" I suggested.
She mulled the idea over for a moment before nodding slowly.
"Yeah, the beach sounds nice. With fall coming soon, there won't be too many nice days for that anyways. Let's take advantage while we can. How about Revere beach? Ma used to take us there all the time when we were kids."- She laughed out loud for a moment before continuing- "One time Frankie and me buried Tommy up to his neck in the sand, and then he couldn't get out. Then we sat in front of him eating ice cream sandwiches to piss him off." Her face lit up at the memory. "It was fun until Frankie ate one too many and puked…"
I laughed too. I could almost picture a young Jane tormenting her younger brother with a cheeky Rizzoli smile plastered on her face. In some ways, I wished I had known her when we were younger, even though I don't think we would have been friends. Mostly because I didn't have any friends when I was younger…
We sat there for a minute before Jane came out of her memories and posed another question abruptly.
"Hey Maur, how come you never go on dates? In the whole time we have known each other, you haven't dated anyone."
I could feel her gaze on my face. I chewed the inside of my cheek while thinking about her question. Had it really been that long since I had been on a date? Clearing my throat nervously, I struggled to come up with an answer.
"Well, you know my track record with men Jane. It turns out they don't appreciate being diagnosed with various conditions while on a date"- we both chuckled lightly because we knew it was true. I paused for a minute before continuing – "Honestly Jane, I could tell you it is because I work too much, but I don't think that is it either. I mean, I spend an awful lot of time with you, which I immensely enjoy, so really it doesn't leave me with a lot of time for dating" I finished unconvincingly.
Jane shifted so her legs were now resting on the coffee table. She looked as though she wasn't convinced by my answer. I leaned towards her and smacked her lightly on her shoulder. "Besides Jane, I don't see you actively trying to date either…" I said jokingly, a slight accusatory tone in my voice.
"God Maura, you sound like Ma." She said irritably. "But," – she continued more seriously –"you're right. It's just hard to find someone who gets me and understands my job. In the past, I have been burned because whoever I was dating didn't understand the level of commitment it takes to be a detective. I mean, if you aren't 200-percent invested, people are gonna get hurt out there, or bad guys are gonna get away, you know?"
I nodded in response. That was my favorite thing about Jane – her unwavering and unbridled passion for her job as a detective. She was so skilled at what she did, her intelligence and intensity evident as she interrogated suspects or posed scenarios to try and break a case. Her impressive athletic build allowed her to chase after dangerous suspects, where the average person would run in the opposite direction for fear of injury. She was a woman possessed when it came to her job, and that was a quality I found extremely attractive. I both admired and respected Jane in that sense.
"I get it Jane. There have been men in the past that have shied away from me because of my career too. No one wants to date the woman that spends the majority of her time with dead bodies" I said.
"Do you think we will ever have it all Maura?" Jane blurted out. "You know…as cliché as it sounds, I wanna have the whole family thing. Nice house, nice car, a couple rugrats running around, and a spouse that loves and supports me. I'm at the point in my life where I can actually picture it…you know?" Jane's raw and honest admission stunned me briefly.
If you had asked me ten years ago, I would have never pictured that for my life, but hearing Jane lay out her dreams so plainly made me realize I was looking for exactly that – I wanted to have it all. Even though I absolutely loved my career as a Medical Examiner, which allowed me to engross myself in scientific inquiry, lately I had a nagging feeling that something had been missing in my life. Until now, I assumed it was a relationship, but it was more than that. I was looking for a meaningful relationship, something that would lead to the future that I was now picturing. Sure, sexual relationships had served me well in the past, helping to satisfy my natural biological needs as a sexually mature woman, but as Jane had pointed out, there was more to a relationship then sex. A truly healthy relationship was one built on respect and love, and true commitment to making the relationship work. That is where the majority of my relationships had failed. They had been relationships based on physical attraction and false pretenses. I had dated my fair share of men who only wanted to go out with me because there was an MD after my name.
Jane shifted again on the couch and her movement brought me out of my thoughts.
"Yes, Jane, I want that too. I want it all." I admitted.
Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I could see a small smile appear on Jane's face, but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. She reached over to the coffee table and grabbed the remote and shut off the entertainment system. Her hands moved into the air to stretch out her arms for a few seconds, and then she stood and cracked her back before holding out a hand towards me.
"What do you say we head to bed? It's late." She said, a yawn escaping as she finished speaking.
I removed the blanket from my lap and reached out to take a hold of her hand. We walked in silence up to my bedroom to get ready for bed. After finishing our nightly routines we slipped between the sheets of my bed to settle in for the night. I could smell Jane's toothpaste as she let out another yawn. She shut off the lights and we quickly were whisked away into a peaceful night's sleep.
I dreamed of two dark-haired children with unruly curls laughing and playing in the park. Their deep brown eyes lit up with laughter as a long, lean woman –without a face, but still vaguely familiar – chased them through the field.