When Tali finally woke up, she was surprised by how easy the transition from nightmare wracked sleep to wakefulness was. Her heart didn't race, nor do her eyes dart around. There was no cold sweat, no gasping for air or cries of her lost lover on her lips. She wasn't confused, desperate or angry. She simply was. One moment she was asleep, the next she was awake as if this was any normal day from her far from normal life. Even still, now fully awake, Tali didn't move. She lay there for a long time, breathing in deeply and listening to the heart monitor beep rhythmically in time with the gentle thumps that rocked her chest.
Slowly the sensations of the physical world returned to her. One by one her senses filtered in. She heard her breathing, echo faint in her skull, yet raspy and soft. She heard distant murmurs, some furious and others soft and gentle. A thrill of anxiety attempted to surge through her when she noticed the Normandy's natural hum, the hum she had come to love, the hum of life every bit as sweet as her human lover whispering to her until she slept, was missing. Even as it came, she suppressed it.
It doesn't matter.
Her body didn't as much as ache as it did tingle. From her toes to the top of her head, everything felt twitchy and raw. It was strange; if she had been in Shepard's apartment, she would have sworn Kasumi or Jack had spiked her Champaign just to say they saw her drunk. Had she been on Noveria, she would scream and claw at her suit, convinced some of those Rachni spiders had found a way in. Had she been in the Captain's cabin, she would moan as Shepard played her body like a musical instrument. If she had been in engineering, she would chastise Donnelly for not discharging the couplings of their static charge before she set to work. But she wasn't there. She was on her back, staring up at an alabaster white ceiling. Her vision was blurry and unfocused, but she knew where she was and what had happened. She just didn't care.
It doesn't matter.
Tali let out a deep sigh, feeling both empty and numb. She glanced to her side, hands folded neatly over her toned abs. A blue woman sat next to her, red-rimmed eyes locked on a datapad and face lined with exhaustion and sadness. Something like relief spiked in the Quarian's mind but again she ignored it in favor of the blissfully dull numbness. When she spoke, her voice was calm and measured.
Emotionless.
Uncaring.
Soulless.
"How long?" Liara looked up from her datapad, surprise and relief obvious on her beautiful face. She took a moment to compose herself, noticing Tali's perfect stillness. It was unnerving. Tali had always been the energetic one. Even back on the original Normandy, it had been all the crew could do just to keep up with the awe-struck Quarian engineer. Tali was-had been- energy and eagerness compressed into a lithe, perfect form. The young woman's stillness could only come from unnatural control over her body and its emotions. Tali was suppressing everything. The sadness, the agony and the pitiful relief from the end of the war. Even if the Quarian's perfectly still body didn't give her away, the near robotic voice she spoke with did.
"Three weeks." Liara said softly, placing her datapad in her lap, "You've been under the entire time. Dr. Chakwas can explain it better, but you were very close to death." Liara hesitated, "There was a time when your spirit wandered free of your body. We feared you were lost. But something brought you back."
"I was…dead?" Tali whispered. Liara nodded slowly.
"Clinically yes…for six minutes." Liara put a hand to Tali's stomach and the Quarian reflexively winced before she realized there was no pain. Her head swam for a moment and she realized she must have been on more drugs than Jack the day after they beat the Collectors.
"A small piece of shrapnel pierced your lung and impeded itself in your soft tissue. We didn't even know it was there until the infection had already set it. We had to operate. We managed to save most of your lung, but there was some permanent damage." Liara sighed, "I'm sorry. If we had been more careful…you might have been up weeks ago. Instead…"
"I'm awake now." Tali said and Liara was taken aback at the clipped tone she used, "What's the status of the Normandy?"
"Tali?" Liara's eyes studied the Quarian but she refused to meet her gaze.
"The Normandy, Liara." Tali repeated, indicating to the walls. She needed something to concentrate on. Something-anything-to think about except…
"We crashed; we don't know where." Liara said, eyes narrowed at her distant friend, "EDI has been offline the entire time." She motioned to the AI room on the far side of the medbay, "One of her processors still had a basic charge, but we can't access it. Without her, we've been forced to make manual repairs. Adams can give you more details later."
"Who's in charge?" Tali asked. Her mind briefly lingered on EDI and she wondered if something remained of their beloved AI deep in the datastacks.
"Garrus is." Liara said somberly, "Javik and Vega have been taking recon teams into the jungles to forage for food and try to identify the constellations at night; they've met with sporadic luck."
Tali nodded, taking this all in quietly. The Prothean would be uniquely qualified to inspect a planet and the Marines under Lieutenant Vega were as fierce and strong as any Tali had ever seen. And with Garrus in charge, she knew the Normandy would be safe for a moment…wait.
Why was Garrus in charge? He wasn't the ranking officer. He wasn't even Alliance. Tali knew her protocol; she knew who the mantel of captain should have fallen to.
"Why isn't Kaiden in charge?" Tali asked. The color drained from the Asari's face and she looked away immediately, but no quick enough. Tali saw the glimmer in her eyes. The glaze that appeared at the mention of the human biotic.
"He…" Liara paused to wipe something from her eyes, her voice defeated and broken, "He is not…aboard the Normandy."
A cold feeling sunk into Tali's numbed body, briefly dispelling her emotionless form. Fear. Fear gripped her tightly, and she told herself it was simply the lung damage that was making it difficult to breath, "Liara, where is Kaiden?"
A long moment passed in which the only sound to be heard was the Asari's desperate attempt to muffle her sobs. Liara closed her eyes tightly as crystal tears rolled down her face. When she finally looked at Tali, her eyes were red with sorrow and her blue cheeks shimmered wetly.
"I…I fear humanity has lost both of its Spectres." Liara whispered. Tali shook her head in denial.
"No…no, not Kaiden." She whispered furiously, "How? He was with us!"
"His…his transport off world was destroyed." Liara sniffed, "His troops overrun and destroyed. There were no survivors. I…I got the report right before Admiral Hackett ordered the fleets to withdraw. There was no time to check for survivors. He…I tell myself he died quickly and painlessly." Liara let out a bitter, hate filled laugh, "I don't know if I believe myself yet."
Part of Tali broke in that moment. The veneer of quiet indifference she had created cracked, and the distraught woman she kept buried came out. She reached out to embrace the weeping Asari, letting her longtime friend bury her face in the rubber of her suit's shoulder. Tali muted the audio-port on her speaker so Liara didn't hear her sobbing too. They held each other tightly for a long time, sharing the pain of their losses.
Though she tried to fight it, a memory of Shepard floated from the depths of her mind and flooded her thoughts. She remembered Shepard asking if the price would be too high; if there would be enough left of the Galaxy after the Reapers. Tali had told him yes, so long as he lived. Shepard was the force that made everything they did worth it. And now he was gone.
Hot tears stung the Quarian's face. She had been wrong. The price had been too high. There was nothing left in the Galaxy, not to her and not to Liara. The only people they had been fighting for were lost. The Galaxy would never be the same.
Tali tried to suppress her sobs, knowing she was teetering on the edge of the abyss. If she began to mourn Shepard, to mourn the life they never had and the family denied them, she would fall. And she would never recover. She would be lost and without her help fixing the Normandy, so would everyone else.
In that moment, Tali decided not to cry. Not to mourn or ache or feel. She would exist as a means to an end. She would fix the Normandy, see her friends off this world…and then…
"I had thought my tears all used up." Liara whispered as she pulled away, wiping the last trails of water from her face.
What could she say to the Asari? Liara had spent the last three weeks mourning her loss; she had found a way to get up in the morning, a way to keep going. Would Tali ever be able to say that? Would she even want to?
Before Tali could respond , the door to the medbay ground open on low-powered hydraulics and a disheveled older woman walked in. She looked up from a datapad, new aged lines obvious on her worn face. A look of surprise and alarm crossed her face.
"Tali!" She gasped, "You're awake!" Dr. Chakwas rushed to the Quarian's side, gently pushing her back onto the bed and checking her vitals.
"How long have you been up? Do you feel any pain? How's your breathing? Fever?" Before Tali could respond, Dr. Chakwas spun on the Asari, "Liara, why didn't you tell me she was up?!"
"I…" Liara began.
"I woke up only a few minutes ago, Doctor." Tali said calmly and they both looked at her, noting her compete stillness. It was then Dr. Chakwas noticed Tali hadn't so much as protested weakly when she pushed her back to the bed.
"How are you feeling Tali?" Chakwas asked carefully. The Quarian shrugged; it was the most terrifying thing they had seen in weeks.
"I am alive." She said simply, "That is enough."
"Tali…" Liara began but the young Quarian slammed her hand into the railing of her bed, denting it.
"I said that is enough!" Tali snarled, her eyes narrowing. For a brief moment, Liara felt like she was under the eyes of some jungle world predator and she wondered if Tali was growing too violent. Liara knew exactly what her friend was doing; she was bottling up her emotions, trying not to think about Shepard. How long did it take her to even leave her room after Kaiden died? A week? More? And Liara had not been injured. Tali had been in critical condition for days. Mourning Shepard was as likely to kill the engineer as any infection. Then again, surely bottling up her grief would kill her too.
"Try to remain calm Tali." Dr. Chakwas said, gently scooping up the Quarian's hand and scanning it to make sure she hadn't broken it. She sighed; a small pressure fracture along her third metacarpus bone. Already the young woman's hand would be swelling up, but with the amount of painkillers in her IV bag, Tali would likely never feel the pain.
"I. Am. Calm. " Tali said through gritted teeth. Why couldn't they stop asking?!
"Tali, I-" Liara began but Chakwas interrupted her quickly.
"We simply want to make sure you don't tear your stiches." Dr. Chakwas said quickly, eyeing the Asari angrily, "We don't have a lot of stock left."
"Liara said there would be…damage?" Tali said and put a hand to her chest. Dr. Chakwas nodded grimly and activated a holo of Tali's body on the medbay display pad. The outline shimmered a dull purple and flickered, the power couplings of the pad shorting and refiring. The body was a riot of color; soft greens, warning oranges and painful reds. Whole sections of her body were highlighted in that flashing, angry red.
"There was some damage to your legs and arms, but your torso and neck took the brunt of the damage. Shrapnel pierced your suit and body in seventeen distinct places, the worst here and here." She indicated to two ugly red slashes, one in her gut and another between her breasts ending at her neck. Tali put a hand to her suit, feeling the slash there. Someone had repaired her suit with patchwork rubber and a welding torch, and for now it was at least air tight.
"But the most damage came from the infection in your lung." With a wave of her hand, the holo zoomed in on the lungs of the holographic Tali. A sickly yellow spread out across her entire right organ, centered on an orange slash. "We almost didn't find it until it was too late. You have Dr. T'Soni to thank for that. She has watched you like a hawk since you were brought aboard."
Tali had no idea what a hawk was, but she understood what the doctor meant. She wanted to thank her friend but the words died in her throat. Was she really grateful? Was she happy to still be amongst the living? Instead Tali simply nodded, taking this information in silently.
"You're lucky." Dr. Chakwas said, "A hundred years ago, we humans cracked open ribs to operate on the organs beneath. In your condition, you wouldn't have survived."
"Keelah…" Tali said before she could stop herself. Splaying open her body? Had humans truly been that savage?
"Thankfully we live in a more civilized time." Chakwas put a hand to Tali's side, just below her ribs, "We went in here using nano-probes and micro-tools. It was touch and go, but we…we managed to remove the infection before it spread to your bloodstream. We…" She hesitated and glanced at Liara.
"You lost thirteen percent of your lung, Tali." Liara finished the doctor's words, "It was the best we can do. I'm sorry."
Tali nodded slowly, breathing deeply. There was a tightness in her chest and she grimaced, rubbing the spot over her lung.
"In time you will adapt, but…but you may not be combat effective ever again. If we had better machinery, we might be able to help more. Certainly if we can get off this planet and get you to a real hospital, they might be able to regenerate your lost tissue but as it stands…"
"Doesn't matter." Tali said dryly. The war was over. There was no need for her to go into combat again. "When can I leave this room? I need to get to the repairs."
"Tali, maybe you should take some time?" Liara offered gently but Tali shrugged off her shoulder.
"You heard the Doctor." Tali snapped, "So long as we are trapped on this world, we can't do anything. Are my lungs going to recover by just laying here, Dr. Chakwas?"
"Well, no."
"And my other wounds? Have I healed enough to move?" Tali asked quickly. Dr. Chakwas gave a slow sigh.
"You have…but the wound in your gut was very deep, Tali. The stiches may tear if you over do it, and with you lungs damaged, you won't be able to oxygenate your blood as quickly. You'll get light headed and dizzy if you work too hard. I won't recommend you working on the repairs, but I won't stop you…just don't ever work without someone nearby. If you were to fall, you could seriously injure yourself and we may not be able to fix you a second time."
Tali nodded without listening and pushed her legs over the side of the bed. The sudden movement sent her head reeling and her breath hitched. She closed her eyes, silently raging at how weak her body felt. Her legs felt weak and her breathing labored. Still, she ignored what she could and stood on wobbling legs.
"Liara, please escort Tali to the Captain's Cabin. She can rest there for-"
"No!" Tali snarled, startling the two women, "I…I won't sleep there. I won't even go inside. A bunk on this floor is enough."
"Tali…"
"I said no Liara." Tali said and sighed, "Just take me to engineering. I have to get to work." The two Doctors shared a look, worried at the Quarian's dismissive, aggressive personality. Tali hadn't even been this aggressive when Jack and Joker had dragged Shepard to an Asari strip club on the Citadel. There was something dark growing in their once cheerful Quarian friend. Something at odds with her normal lovable, eager attitude.
"Alright." Liara said, mirroring the Quarian's anger and Tali narrowed her eyes at the unspoken challenge. Liara offered her hand to help the engineer but Tali shrugged it away, briskly walking to the medbay door. When she reached it, she slowed, leaning against the doorframe and putting a hand to her rapidly rising and falling chest.
"Tali, are you alright?" Dr. Chakwas asked quickly and activated her omni-tool. Tali waved a hand.
"Just…just a little out of breath." Tali said, sucking in deep breaths of sour air through her filtration system.
"Maybe you should rest a little more?" Liara asked kindly, her features softening some, "At least until you know your…limitations." Tali shot a glare at the Asari, fully aware of all her limitations.
"I'll rest when I'm dead." Tali said and walked into the hallway. Liara exchanged a look with Chakwas and sighed.
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"James, can you report in?" Samantha Traynor spoke in the voice of a woman distracted by pain. Her headaches were always at their worst when she tired. Today she was exhausted and the stupid glow of the screen in front of her wasn't helping!
+Chica?+ The Hispanic voice that responded would normally make her smile, but all she wanted was to go lay down in a dark corner.
"Garrus wants a report." Traynor said clipped, not in the mood for her friend's playfulness.
+Dios Mio, Scars just got a report an hour ago+ James half sighed half snarled over the radio. Normally Traynor would offer a sympathetic ear, but the pain in her skull would not stop.
"Not my issue." Traynor snapped back, "Report"
+…Nothing to report, Specialist Traynor.+ James said dryly, +Scouted a few more clicks. A few creepy crawly things, one or two big cow like things. Scans warn they might be poisonous+
"Rodger that." Traynor sighed. She had received roughly the same report every few hours for days no. In the morning James and a cadre of Marines would venture out but by night they would return to the shelter of the Normandy. So far they had found a waterfall with cleanable water, but nothing more.
+It'll be night soon.+ James added as an after-thought, +We'll be returning to base in an hour or so+
"Copy that…" Traynor said, pressing a hand to her temple. A moment passed and she activated the comm again, "And stay safe James."
+Why Chica, I didn't know you cared+ James responded and for a moment Samantha smiled. The Marine knew full well her preferences, but he flirted anyway. At first Traynor had thought Vega an arrogant bastard for trying to flip her; now she realized it was how he eased tension and helped to relax the crew.
"In your dreams Vega." Traynor responded.
+Oh you have no idea. Got this one about you and this Asari dancer I met on the Cita-+
Traynor cut the link before the man could continue. Typical male fantasy, but then again it didn't sound so bad. The Asari part, not the sweaty hairy James Vega part. Traynor groaned and shut down her console; she didn't need this right now. She needed to lie down. Not for the first time she wished Major Alenko was still alive. He suffered from migraines at least once a week and knew all the best places to hide until it went away.
A automated reminder alarm went off on Traynor's omnitool and she grimaced. She pulled a small medical bottle from her belt and poured out two pills. Pain killers. Some of the last left in the entire Normandy. She hated that she had to take them. There were so many injured crew, but Garrus had ordered it. She was a specialist and if the pills helped her work, they could get off this rock sooner.
Traynor popped the two pills and sipped from the plastic water bottle on the counter. She sighed as she examined the remaining pills. She had enough for maybe three more doses.
After that…
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"Ay Dios!" James swore as he slapped a armored palm to his neck, crushing the little blood sucking insect there. a veritable swarm of little bastards were following the Marine recon unit, turning the stifling hot jungle world into a small hell. Annoyingly the blood suckers completely ignored their Prothean team member, either unable to penetrate his thick skin with the their spikes, or more likely unable to process what he was and how he could be food.
James checked the chronoreader on his wrist and glanced up at the orange stained sky. The sun was just beginning to dip over the mountain peaks in the distances and the temperature was dropping rapidly. Already it had dropped a full ten degrees in the last half hour and he knew from experience it would keep dropping.
"We are not making good time." Javik said in his traditional scornful tone. James suppressed a sigh; the Prothean was invaluable to the scout team, but his attitude was wearing at them.
"Yeah I noticed." James snapped back, "But if Scars wants us to trek out further, then arriving after curfew is the price we pay."
"Hopefully Garrus grounds us in our rooms." One of the other Marines replied and the humans of the unit chuckled.
"You don't have to like it; hell, I'd much rather take a nice hot shower with a few Asari twins, but we were the ones that found that waterfall and kept the crew from dying of thirst." James said as he picked a slimily leach from his forearm and used his machete to hack away more foliage.
"So we're big damn heroes?"
"Damn right we are!" James replied with a grin. The weight of his armor and weapons was becoming unbearable, even for his constitution. Garrus had ordered only minimal armor and one weapon per person; it saved on thermal clips and cleaning. Even still, the rifle and carapace armor James wore sapped his strength.
"Wait!" Javik suddenly called out, drawing his pistol from his side. James held up his fist and the team went silent, dropping low and scanning the trees. As silently as he could, James drew the Mattock from his back and flipped on his shredder rounds. On a Jungle world like this, the foliage was always getting in the way and the razor tipped rounds made short work of tree barks, vines and animal hide.
"What is it? James whispered. The Prothean touched the bloody remains of an animal on the jungle floor. Once it had been a vine leaper, one of the many mammal like creatures that called this jungle home. James liked the creatures; the reminded him of chimps, only with ash gray fur and natural bone armor on their joints. Maggots and larval insects wormed around the bloody remains, feasting on the rotting flesh. Something like a spider, with long segmented legs squirmed just under the fur, no doubt finding a sutable place for its young. Whole sections of the critter were missing, torn away by scavenger birds and rodents. The leaper had literally be torn apart .
"This creature…" Javik closed his eyes, tilting his head to one side as he shifted through the dead thing's pheromones, "Whatever killed it…it is not native to this world. Something we haven't seen yet. I see chitinous claws and segmented plates…I hear…music…"
"Is it nearby?" James whispered. The Prothean took a moment to reply.
"No." He stood and holstered his pistol, "No it has returned to its hive. And I suggest we return to the Normandy before nightfall. This world is now very dangerous."
"Markus, take some pictures with your omni-tool. Maybe there's a database on the Normandy to cross-reference with." James said, keeping his rifle close to him. Javik had never been wrong and he doubted whatever had killed the space monkey was still around, but all it took was the Prothean to misread the pheromones once…
"Okay Marines, double time but stay close. Markus, Menéndez, cover the canopy; Weston, Javik the floor. Let's get to the Normandy in one piece."
"Hoorah!" The Marines shouted. Javik simply nodded, casting a worried glance at the carcass on the ground. Already more snake like creatures were sniffy around and it wouldn't be long before one of the larger predators came to inspect. They needed to be far away from here by that time.
0000000
If Tali felt anything seeing the Normandy grounded on a remote backwater, it was anger. The lights flickered, the walls were dented and fire blackened and there were piles of rubble in every corner and along every hallway. Tali seethed at seeing her adopted home so abused as she walked. Her calculating eye took in the details instantly, noticing over a hundred repairs to make in the time it took her to reach the elevator.
Some of the crew noticed her and waved, their exhausted faces showing a small glimmer of hope at the expert engineer up again. Tali ignored them, too angry to share even a wave. The power couplings for the running lights needed to be replaced, the air filters were having trouble and from the grind of the walk in freezer in the mess hall, that needed to be fixed and soon. The crew wouldn't last long if the food supply spoiled.
Tali growled under her breath, angry at herself. Angry at the Reapers, at Liara and Kaiden and Garrus. But most of all, angry at him. For leaving. For dying. For breaking his promise. Tali stopped at the elevator and sighed when the display light didn't activate at her proximity.
"The elevators are still non-operational." Liara said from a few feet behind her. The Asari had shadowed her from the medbay, keeping a respectful distance but making no steps to hide her presents either. "The crew have been taking the emergency ladders. Its made progress between floors…difficult."
"Then that's where I'll start." Tali said, eyeing the closed elevator door, "Improve efficiency." She turned to the ladder hatch that would lead to the engineering floor below and stopped dead. Her blood ran cold and her lungs suddenly labored to keep her breathing.
The memorial wall had had two new residents added. They were the largest names and drew her attention immediately.
Admiral David Anderson. Tali felt a moment's loss. The older human had always been kind to her, even if there interactions were limited. But it was the second name that stopped all cognitive processes in the Quarian. She forgot everything, her world fully consumed by the name plate.
Commander Shepard
Tali approached slowly, all thoughts of anger and rage forgotten. Only a cold sinking feeling in her gut remained. Her limbs shook and her blood chilled. Seeing his name on the Memorial Wall made it…real. Tangible.
Tali touched the nameplate, tracing the pearl white letters with her gloved hand. Silent tears rolled down her face and her body shook with sobs. How could he? How could he just leave like that? Tali let her head hang low, mouthing a prayer to the Ancestors for strength and that they had taken him quickly. He had never been particularly religious and for that matter neither had Tali, but the idea of eventually seeing him in some sort of afterlife gave her a small smile.
"John…" She whispered, her voice echo faint. She remembered watching him trace the details of her pay'jelt in a similar, loving fashion. Then like a storm cloud blotting out the sun, Tali's anger returned. How dare he!
Tali gripped the nameplate with both gloved hands and ripped it from its mounting.
"Tali!" Liara gasped and rushed forward but it was too late. Tali broke the plate over her knee and hurled the pieces into the corner.
"No!" Tali spun on Liara, her eyes narrowing and stopping the Asari from protesting further, "Never! Destroy that thing. I don't want to see it on this wall again, do you hear me?"
"I…I hear you, Tali." Liara said softly, "We…we had a service while you were out. Some of us protested…but…"
"Be glad I was unconscious, Liara." Tali said darkly, "I would have never let that have been put up."
Tali stormed away, wrenching the ladder hatch open with an angry snarl, "What floor is Garrus on?"
"Um, Engineering I'd imagine. With Chief Adams." Liara said awkwardly. Tali nodded wordlessly and began to climb. She stopped when her torso was still visible and glared at the Asari.
"Don't follow me." She said and slammed the hatch shut behind her.
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Sorry for taking so long to update. Bit of writer's block.
Anyway, leave me a review, tell me what you think