From: drhnobley at cam. ac. uk

Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Your future sister-in-law

Date: 20 June 2013 11:29:13 PM BST

To: cnobley

Carrie, my sweet, it's at times like this that I really could cheerfully boil you in oil.

It has been a truly awful afternoon with Lady-Frigging-Hartwright (LFH) as she will henceforth be known, but you WOULD NOT BELIEVE one of the new recruits. An American, well past her used-by date, who fits somewhere on the spectrum between a Pearlie and Dolly Parton. She literally, I kid you not, tried to play footsies with me under the table. Not even these boots can ward off an attack of that nature. Thankfully, it seems that my new mate Colonel Andrews has been assigned to her – Miss Charming, if ever there was a less appropriate moniker – and he seems game enough to fulfil his assignment. Good luck to him.

When it comes to our other arrival, I'm afraid all jokes must cease. You'll be rubbing your hands with glee to hear me admit that I may actually be in a spot of danger with this one. She's been introduced as Miss Jane Erstwhile and the moment I spied her over the top of my book I had some kind of physical response to her that left me trembling.

Here was I, nerves so shattered by the grotesqueness of one and the perfection of the other that I can hardly say Miss Erstwhile and I got off to a great start. I was a bit contrary, it must be said. She skewered me in a very witty Elizabeth Bennett fashion that I found utterly appealing but then LFH got in on the act and outright insulted her, obviously cutting her to the quick. While I do actually feel pain for her pain ("A first for this cold-hearted bachelor!" I hear you exclaim), her genuine emotional response revealed to me two truths – she is not otherwise attached, and, she wants to be.

You're delighted aren't you. I can practically hear you squealing with delight that your scheme might have worked. But just because I'm attracted to her doesn't make this Find a Wife Camp.

Kiss the bairns for me. And what the hell, plant one on the beef-cake and tell him it's from me.

Henry.