In My Blood:
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*ADDISON DREAMING*
"Mommy!" 2-and-a-half-year-old Heavenly screamed "Poppa!" She ran down the hallway full force and was in our bedroom and up on the bed bouncing up and down on our before we even had a chance to sit up and fully register what was going on.
"Heavenly come lay down by Mommy." I grab her mid bounce, tickling her as I lay her down between us. Snuggling up against her warmth.
"But Mommy I can't go back to sleep! The sky's awake! So I'm awake! AND IT's CHRISTMAS!" she squeals full of excitement, wiggling down off the bed, she runs over to the window and pulls open the curtains, revealing the tiny, tiniest hint of sunrise imaginable.
"Christmas doesn't start until the sky is FULLY awake Princess." Mark grumbled rolling over and falling back asleep. Heavenly frowned at him and then climbed back up on the bed, jumping, inches from him, hair flying. She bounces a final time and lands on him giggling.
"Wake up Poppa IT'S CHRISTMAS!" She shrieks, shaking him as best as she possibly can. He pulls her over into his arms, wrapping her in a tight hug, and kissing her on her cheek. "You know I can never say no to you." He says with a smile. "OK I'm getting up."
"Remember when you thought she'd never talk." I joke smirking at them as I get up and start preparing for the day. Heavenly hops off the bed and dances in circles around me.
"HE's REAL Mommy! Santa IS REAL! He ATE THE COOKIES and he left PRESENTS! And THERE ARE GLITTER FOOTPRINTS!"
"Someone's been sneaking out of their room again." I say trying to be firm, but it comes off more as teasingly, I'm not mad. She has been able to safely manage the stairs since before she was one.
"I HAD to mommy. I HAD to see if he is REAL! I just HAD to know the truth!" The joy in her eyes was so pure. So sweet. Mark picks her up to carry her downstairs and she snuggles against him my heart feels like it is going to explode with joy as I lean against the doorframe, just watching them. What did I ever do to deserve to be THIS happy. I realize I am crying and Mark looks at me oddly.
"Are you alright?"
"I'm just so happy." I wipe the tears from my eyes and try to stop them, but they won't. So, I try to explain. "I have everything, EVERYTHING. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this, but It must have been something good. I love you both so so so much!"
*END OF DREAM*
"Oweeeee!" I moan as I begin wake up and to come back to awareness. I feel the most agonizing pain in existence. Different possibilities go through my mind trying to think of what it could be, but whatever they gave me is not completely out of my system. My mind is foggy. I look around, half expecting to see Heavenly and Mark, but the realization of it just being a dream begins to sink in and I struggle to go back to sleep, back to them.
"Addison your contractions were strengthening in intensity and duration while you slept." Someone says. I wake up more and realize it was Meredith, she pulled the paper out of the monitor and was looking at it, I bit my lip, remembering that I am the one who taught her to read an ultrasound when she was pregnant with Willow. It's not something you learn much of in General. "They are slowing back down now, every 7 minutes."
"Where's Mark?" I ask weakly. "I need Mark." I feel like I have been over by a train. How much had this progressed while I was sleeping? Why hadn't they stopped the labor yet? "Why aren't they doing anything to stop the labor?" I demanded, finding my voice.
"Your body is having a harder time responding to intervention due to the infection. Your fever spiked again. You're currently down to 102 after meds" She wets a rag with cool water and places it on my forehead. I give her a small, grateful grimace.
"You have to get Joy to do an emergent cerclage."
"She would never. The infection risk alone…." She starts but is thrown off as another contraction comes and I shift uncomfortably, closing my eyes and biting my lip hard to keep from screaming out.
"Please Meredith you have…." A nurse comes in and attempts to give me more medication, I stop her before she can inject into the IV port.
"I said NO pain meds." I give her the death glare. "Who authorized this? I should sue you and this entire wing of this hospital."
"You're not competent to make those decisions and your husband authorized the medication."
"First of all, your bedside manner…. is shit…you shouldn't even be allowed to talk to patients. Secondly, I am just as competent as any other mother in preterm labor. Suppose we take all their rights as well? I am more knowledgeable and trained than any of the staff on this floor. That alone should make me competent enough to decide if I want my body filled with toxic chemicals that will cross the placenta and affect hers." I look at the vial of medication in her hand. 'Fentanyl'. "Furthermore, if you had bothered to do ANY amount of research you would know that Fentanyl is extremely dangerous to use during labor especially in babies who are going to be born preterm because the risks of neonatal abstinence syndrome. So not only could you have killed me, you could have killed my baby who is ALREADY going to be having a hard-enough time as it is." I say exclaim angrily.
"I'm sorry Addison I didn't know, or I would have…." Meredith interjects, but I know that she wouldn't have had anymore say than I currently have.
"It's not your job to know, you're not on the GYNE squad dealing with high risk pregnant patients. It's her job to know the medications that she is injecting into the moms and the risks that they carry, especially when those risks could be deadly."
The nurse throws her hands up angrily mumbling something about going to find Mark and 'just doing my job.' I turn to Meredith, and as strong as I was to the nurse I am the complete opposite and break down once she leaves the room another contraction and I hold onto the rails of the bed so hard my knuckles go white, I hold my breath, because breathing just makes it hurt more despite knowing that this could cause the baby's heart rate to dip. I don't scream though.
"That was a bad one." Meredith mentions, checking.
"I'm fine." I say through gritted teeth, my body tense, unable to relax as it prepares for the next contraction, even though it won't happen again for... I look up at the clock…. 6 minutes more minutes of 'peace'.
"I need Mark." Was all I could manage to say before the tears of frustration came. "I should have never given him medical power of attorney."
"It was the best thing for you at the time." Meredith says simply.
"I was fine."
"You were scary. You were almost dead. Stop saying you're fine. You're not 'fine.' no one is 'fine' Addison." She raises her voice and puts emphasis on each of the words 'fine.' I stopped. Momentarily shocked.
'Great now she' upset too.'
"I'm sorry Meredith, but you just don't know what it's -"
"I was there." She blurted out, and I look at her confused.
"What?"
"She helped me take care of you after Heavenly died." Mark said, walking into the room and standing at the foot of my bed.
"Why can't I remember?" Everything from after Heavenly's funeral is like a swirled jumbled mess in my head. It's like I was in a Coma, and suddenly I wake up and It's December.
"The medication they had you on was too strong. They swore it was best for the baby, but I made them take you off it after Thanksgiving, It wasn't what was best for you. It took about 2 weeks to clear your system." He says, so matter of fact, no nonsense. I can tell he is still angry with me, and rightly so.
Meredith takes my hand and squeezes hard. "Once you started gaining awareness I stopped coming over. It wasn't intentional, but you were having a hard time being around me knowing that Willow is still here while Heavenly… isn't. I felt like by being there just because I love you and wanted you to be OK was just making things worse."
"I don't remember any of that." Distress is starting to show through in my tone. How do you just loose six months of your life?
"I know…" Meredith says, sitting down next to me, and pulling me into a hug. "I know and I'm so … so … sorry."
I suck in my breath. I squeeze her hand tighter. Trying hard not to cry out, but it is impossible. The pain must register on my face because there is a moment of worry on Mark's before it goes and is replaced with annoyance.
"Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted?" Mark shook his head at me before turning to Meredith. "How is she doing?"
"Contractions every 7 minutes, lasting 45 seconds to a minute each. She was dilated to 3 at the last check but has not progressed any further. They've given Tocolytic's, the magnesium drip, Corticosteroid to mature the baby's lungs, and a broad spectrum antibiotic drip to combat the kidney infection." She points to the different bags hanging from the IV Pole, attached and flowing into my veins.
"I need a emergent cerclage. It's too early… she's not ready yet."
"Not a chance. Addison. The infection you have is too great." Joy says walking into the room. Seriously. Does anyone around here even knock?
"What's the benefits of a cerclage?" Mark asked, turning to Joy who had positioned herself at the end of the bed, helping Addison move down for a check."
"She would sew my cervix shut. I would remain on strict hospital bedrest, with tocolytics for the remainder of the pregnancy but the baby would have a chance of making it to 30 weeks, maybe longer."
"The material mortality rate is 30 percent Addison, that jumps to 45% if the mother has an infection. You know this, and it's too risky." She says, pursing her lips.
I scoot down to the proper position on the bed and try to remain as still as possible while she checks for progress, which is difficult.
"The bleeding hasn't stopped completely, but it's slowed down."
" No kidding." I say crossly. Another contraction. Meredith mumbles something to mark like '7 minutes right on the dot.' but 7 minutes seems closer and closer.
"I am going to give you blood to replace the blood you've lost." She gives the order through her phone to I'm assuming one of her interns. She gets the ultrasound machine and looks again, carefully. "Have you ever been told you have an incompetent cervix?"
"No is that what you see?" I ask, a little shocked maybe, but not even bothering to look at the screen. I am trying so hard, too hard to focus on breathing, on working through the pain in some way other than screaming. I can't scream. I deserve this for what I did to Mark. This is my fault, even if it isn't.
"Look…. Right there." Meredith says, she had spotted something that Joy had missed. "No…" She instructs when Joy moves the wand. "Go back." She lets go of my hand and moves closer to the screen, looking carefully. "It's small but it's there."
"What's there?" I ask becoming annoyed.
"You have a tear in your cervix" She points out, pointing to a small laceration, that is slowly bleeding, it looks like it is trying to clot and repair itself. If your cervix truly is incompetent, which it looks like it is from the ultrasound baby's weight pressing down in addition to slamming cervix during sex likely caused the tear and the bleeding. I'd bet my medical degree that if you get blood products in addition to surgery to repair the cervix and the cerclage the contractions will stop completely."
"That's a good catch Dr. Grey-Shepherd." Joy acknowledges and takes to measuring the rupture, as a nurse comes in and hooks up the blood up and starts the transfusion.
"Slamming the cervix? Really Mer?"
"Oh don't act like you haven't talked to me about your sex life." She retorts playfully, but serious all combined. "Stop the bleed, sew the cervix, save the baby."
"Why didn't you go into OB with me?" I ask, smiling weakly, trying to joke. "You would have been great." Fuck. that was not 7 minutes. There is no way that was 7 minutes. Tears fall, I try to move to reposition, but blood gushes and the other three doctors in the room quickly reposition me.
"Ok. Addison the tear is trying to heal itself, but your contractions are strengthening and every time you have a contraction and move you are ripping the tear back open, and the forceful re-opening is what is causing the blood to gush." Joy said, thankful that she just caught that on the ultrasound.
"I need some time alone with Mark." I say almost forcefully as Joy finishes up her exam and wipes the gel off her.
"You need emergency surgery to repair the laceration." Meredith argues.
"It is not going to be any more emergent in 5 minutes as it is now." I reply, "And Joy has to figure out how to do a cervical laceration repair and a cerclage without rupturing my uterus and causing me to bleed out on the table. SO… I need five minutes."
The other doctors agree reluctantly and leave the room, Mark sits down on the bed next to me, taking my hand in his own.
"Do you love me?" I ask he looks up at me, a complex of emotions on his face.
"You know I do Addison."
"Do you want this baby?"
"More than anything."
"You HAVE to sign off on the repair and the cerclage."
"I can't! You could die! The mortality rate is too high." He squeezes my hand, he is crying, and I don't know what to say to comfort him.
"I'm not going to die." I offer finally, trying to sound confident. "But if you don't agree to the cerclage she will. She's not strong enough."
"How am I supposed to choose?"
"You listen to me. You choose her, and you trust me. I will be fine." I am not being noble. I just really don't care anymore, and I want the pain to stop. I can't do this. He wants me to be strong and I can't. I'm not strong. I'm not brave. I'm just me.
Contraction, and I can't help but scream out this time. "Mark I need you…." I whimper as it comes to an end. I can't keep doing this. Eventually the cervical change with be too great and it will be too late to do anything to keep her inside.
"What do you want me to do?" He asks, in the way that guys do when they know that you're in pain and don't want to end up touching in the wrong place and getting punched in the face.
"Save her and hold me." I say, wearily and to my surprise he nods and climbs up into the bed with me, letting me rest against him,
"I can't choose between you." He talks softly into my ear. "I love you both."
"Please." I beg him. I cannot stand to think of what he will do in the even that this baby doesn't make it. He has always loved her, always wanted her. "It's her only chance."
"Promise me you're not going to die. I can't raise this baby alone Addison. I need you." More than you'll ever know, he thinks gently wiping the tears from my eyes.
"I'll be fine Mark. I promise." I say, knowing there is no guarantees, but if this is what brings him comfort, this is what needs to happen.
"I still love you Addison. I'm not going to stop loving you just because we see things differently." He says, wrapping me in his arms. "We're going to be OK."
*Flashback*
2 Days After Heavenly's Death:
MARK's POV:
I walk into the bathroom and my jaw drops.
"What- are – you – doing?" I ask Addison gently, looking at the scene before me. She is sitting on the edge of the bathtub with her knees pulled up onto her chest on the edge of the bathtub, crying so hard she was almost hyperventilating. I instantly scoop her up into my arms, looking into the bathtub, to see what looks like at least a hundred or more pregnancy tests completely covering the bottom.
I sit down on the floor leaning against the wall, and rubbing her back, trying to help her calm down. I remind her to breathe, and she does, eventually.
"I'm sorry." Is all she can say between breaths.
"What's going on?" I ask her, trying to remain sympathetic, to her emotional outpour. I knew what was going on though. 2 pink lines. A smiley face. A blue plus sign, and the words "Pregnant." How many different brands of tests had she taken? How many HOURS did this take? No wonder she was upset. We haven't even put Heavenly to rest yet and she gets this news.
"I'm pregnant. "She said automatically, as soon as she could speak again, and I felt my heart in my throat. "You weren't supposed to find out like this." She says gesturing to the bathtub littered with pregnancy tests.
I approach her carefully with the next question. "Just how many tests did you take?" I ask, looking at the sticks in the bathtub. All very obviously positive.
"295? 300 maybe? I don't know I lost count." She said miserably.
"Where did you even get that many tests?"
"We have Amazon Prime."
"So, you bought 300 pregnancy tests?" I ask, because who does that? She looks so damn miserable, but I can't help it. "Were you expecting the answer to change?" I ask, and I can't suppress a smile at the ridiculousness of the whole situation. She is a world class double board certified OBGYN who has access to all kinds of medical testing at the hospital, and she still went out and bought 300 pregnancy tests on Amazon to confirm this pregnancy. I can't decide if it's ironic or just sad.
"What are we going to do?" I ask, and she rests her head in my lap, I wipe her hair out of her eyes, they are cloudy with tears, and full of emotional pain. I feel bad about teasing her, of course, this wouldn't be easy.
"I want an abortion." She says dully, and my stomach drops. I feel suddenly sick. She couldn't be serious right? They had been talking about having a baby and giving Heavenly a sibling to grow up with. She had been ecstatic at the thought of adding to our little family. Now everything's changed.
"You can't." I say automatically.
"Of course, I can." And then "Why?" She challenges.
"This baby could be a sign from Heavenly that she is OK? That she wants us to be able to move on even though she can't be with us?" I offer but I am stuck. It is her body her choice. Of course, it is, she should get her say, but shouldn't fathers have a say too? We JUST lost our daughter, and now she wants to voluntarily end the life our second child? How is it possible that she wants nothing more than to get rid of this baby when all I want to do is hold it tight and protect it from the world.
"I will never move on. Our daughter is dead. There is no moving on from that." She says with such finality that I don't know what to say for a moment, so I just hold her.
"You're not alone. You won't do this alone." I said, trying to offer her something, anything she can hold onto that would make her want to keep the baby.
"That's easier said than implemented. You're not the one with a parasite attached to your insides." I cringe when she calls it a parasite. I know she is feeling bad, so am I, but this baby could be a blessing.
"What do you think Heavenly would have wanted?" I ask gently.
"She wants me to have the baby." Addison says, and I am thrown by the fact that she used the word 'wants' instead of the past tense 'wanted.'. I don't say anything though, thinking maybe it is just grief.
"We could do it for Heavenly then, a way to honor her memory."
"Most people buy a house plant, not have a baby." She moves so suddenly then that I am worried maybe she'll stumble and hurt herself, but she makes her way to the toilet, and starts violently throwing up.
"So we'll be eccentrics." I say. I wet a rag and gently wipe her head and pull her hair back into a pony tail. "We're going to be alright." I promise.
She looks up at me then, her eyes have gone dark, like they always do when she's unwell. "You'll be fine." She said catching her breath. "I won't make it out of this pregnancy alive." She predicts, and I get goosebumps, my entire body suddenly cold.
.*END FLASHBACK*
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Authors Note:
Thank you so much to everyone who is continuing to read "In My Blood" and to all the amazing reviewers! I love the reviews it makes me happy to know that there are people following this story and enjoying it.
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I wanted to do something cutesy with Heavenly. More of that to come in future chapters… isn't she the cutest toddler? I love how chatty she is.
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I felt like I needed some sort of back story with Addison where she specifically said she didn't want the baby, because without this flashback she just looks like she's losing her mind. It felt more natural for her to have not wanted the baby from as close to the beginning as possible. Especially considering she only truly knew she was pregnant a day before Heavenly passed away. The flashback happens 2 days after Heavenly passed away.
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I LOVE the relationship between Addison and Meredith in this story! I defiantly want to develop that back story more.
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Thank you again! Please as always feel free to comment, review, etc. 😊