Chapter 10

Three weeks later...

Tim was sitting in on his bed, staring at his feet. He just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that his right foot ended in a stump and that his left foot had only two toes. He wished that he could adjust his mind to seeing that every morning. He had been back in his own apartment for a little over a week, and it was still an adjustment. It had been three weeks since his surgery and he still couldn't square what he was looking at right at this moment with his conception of himself.

Two toes left out of ten.

After a moment of hesitation, Tim reached out and rubbed his fingers over the stump of his right foot and the lumps of his left. It felt weird. He wasn't walking much yet. Dr. Egbert didn't want him putting too much pressure on his feet until they were sure that the parts which had been frostbitten but not needing amputation were healed. He'd been going to physical therapy for both his hands and his feet every day. It kept him from hiding in his apartment...which is what he really wanted to do. No matter what anyone said and no matter what he told himself over and over again...he still felt like some kind of freak.

Two toes.

It had been a bad morning. Some of the days since his surgery had been mostly okay. Others were not. Today...was not. All he could think about was his missing parts. He hadn't felt any kind of phantom pains or anything, thankfully. Just the anguish of seeing what had come of his misadventure in Shenandoah. His car was a writeoff after the crash, but his insurance was covering it. It just meant one more thing that had gone wrong.

Eight toes missing...forever.

Tim looked at his hands. They were functioning better and better every day. He was glad of that because he'd been deathly afraid of his hands dying along with his feet. They didn't look like swollen lumps anymore, but they weren't back to full form as yet. The skin was sensitive and his dexterity wasn't yet up to par.

Only two toes.

He sighed and pulled on a pair of socks, hiding his misshapen feet from view. His hands and feet both got cold much more easily now. In fact, he himself got cold much more easily. He kept the temperature in his apartment a bit higher than it had been before. When he slept, he piled a lot of extra blankets on his bed. It was like the hypothermia had sucked away some of his ability to maintain a normal temperature.

One foot with a stump. One foot with two toes.

There was a knock on the door.

Jethro jumped up from his doggy bed and started leaping around excitedly. Tim smiled a little. He had been unable to give Jethro the exercise he needed and so he'd been forced to get the dog walker to come even while he was here. He got up and limped to the door, unable to manage a normal gait yet. Jethro was right at his heels.

He opened the door, already speaking to the dog walker, but looking down at Jethro instead of toward the door. If he pretended he was focused on his dog, then he didn't have to worry about possibly seeing her looking uncomfortable at his debility.

"Hey, Maren. I'm glad you're here early. Jethro is really excited to...get...out..." The feet he could see out of the corner of his eye were not Maren's. Tim furrowed his brow and looked up. "Tony...what are you doing here? Don't you have work?"

"I'm going to be late," Tony said with a shrug. "So is Ziva. She's outside."

"Uh...why?"

"Breakfast? You know...that meal most people eat in the morning?"

"Uh...no...thanks, Tony. Not a good day for it."

"That's why it is a good day for it, Tim."

Tim limped to the counter and sat down on a stool. He shook his head.

"No, Tony."

"Come on! I know you've got the orthotics! They came last week! I'll bet you haven't had much time to break them in. If you're worried about people staring at your feet, just put them on and no one will even notice."

"I'll notice," Tim muttered. "That's more important."

He stared at his feet, at the deformity that was apparent even through the socks.

"And if you come with us, you won't be able to dwell on it so much. It'll be easier to pass the time, and things will be better for you."

"Better, how?"

"Because you won't be letting yourself think about it. In fact, we won't be letting you think about it."

"Hard not to, Tony," Tim said. "I can feel it all the time...or not feel it. All the time."

"That'll change, you know."

"Yeah...eventually."

"All you need to do is take the time...and I know you hate hearing that; so don't bite my head off."

Tim smiled a little bit.

"I do hate hearing that...especially right now."

"Bad day, today, huh?"

"Yeah."

"I promise, Tim, we're not going to turn this into any kind of a party. It's just breakfast. Then, we'll bring you back and face Gibbs' wrath for being late."

"Okay," Tim said and sighed. "I need my crutches."

"And your orthotics."

"Yeah."

"Where are they? I'll get them."

"Orthotics are on my dresser. Crutches are in the bedroom."

"Not using them?"

"I'm okay to walk around a little on my own. I just can't put a lot of pressure on my feet yet...and it feels wrong."

Tony nodded and darted into Tim's room and then was back out in a few seconds with Jethro running around him excitedly.

"Here you go, McGee."

Tim pulled on the orthotic shoes and the ankle brace on his right ankle. The footwear wasn't particularly stylish, but it made it much easier to walk. Tim had never considered how much he used his toes when he walked...and it was easier to balance on his left foot than his right.

"New style, huh?" Tim asked, noticing Tony gaze at his feet. The shoes themselves weren't the most amazing, fashion-wise.

"I think it's up and coming," Tony said and handed Tim his crutches. "Ready?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Good. Let's go."

Tim made his slow way to the door, promised Jethro that he'd get out soon and then followed Tony out the door.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

The café was busy at this time of morning and Tim was worried beyond measure that someone would step on his feet. Tender as they were, any additional injury would be agony.

"Guys," he whispered.

"What is it, Tim?" Ziva asked.

"I don't want anyone stepping on my feet."

Ziva looked at Tony and then at Tim's feet. She stepped on one side of Tim and Tony took up a position on the other. Essentially, they put their own feet out as guards for Tim's feet. In fact, they decided to move Tim to a table and sat him down.

"Okay, what do you want, Tim?" Tony asked. "We'll get it."

"Coffee."

"You've got to have more than that. Dr. Egbert said extra calories will help your skin develop faster...or something."

"Okay...surprise me."

Ziva smiled. "We will."

Tim gave an exhalation of relief as he was safely seated. He watched Tony and Ziva take their place in line. He smiled a little. They had been so good through all of this. If only he could find some kind of equilibrium...physically and mentally. Both were giving him problems.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"He's started out bad today," Tony said as they waited in line.

"I guessed as much, but he is here. That is important."

"It's only been a few weeks, but I just hoped that he'd find some acceptance of everything."

"I think that he has not been able to adjust when there were two things so close together," Ziva said. "I wish that this had not happened. One was bad. Two is very hard for him. He is walking, though."

"Yeah. Thank goodness. He's getting better. I just think he's not really ready to face it all yet."

"What will we get for him?"

"They're still saying that he should eat more protein, right? Let's get him an omelette."

"Very well."

They ordered and then went back to the table. Tim was sitting rather listlessly. Ziva sat down across from him.

"Tim, is there anything we can do to help you?" she asked.

"Not really," Tim said. "I just...I'm not...happy about how all this has turned out. I'll be walking again eventually, but..." He shrugged a little helplessly. "I'm... This just sucks. This isn't like a broken bone that will heal eventually and I'll be back to normal. My toes aren't going to grow back."

Ziva squeezed Tim's wrist gently.

"I am sorry that you have to deal with this, Tim. I wish there was some way we could fix it."

"There's not. There's no way to fix what I don't have anymore. Prosthetics...they're only cosmetic right now. They don't help with fixing my balance or anything else."

Their number was called and Tony went and got their food. Tim picked at it and ate without much enthusiasm.

"You're going to be okay, McGee," Tony said. "You just have to keep going."

"I don't want to, Tony," Tim admitted. "I'm so tired of all of this. I'm cold all the time. I'm still trying to get my hands back to normal. My feet will never be normal again." He sighed. "It's just so...much."

"You told me not to let you give up. I'm not going to, McGee," Tony said seriously. "You need to...find something to perk you up."

"Any suggestions?" Tim asked with a wan smile.

"Coming back to work?" Tony suggested. "We really miss you there."

"I miss being there. It gets kind of dull sitting around."

"Maybe you could come to work now, not in a couple of weeks," Ziva suggested. "Even just for a few hours."

"Yeah...maybe."

"You've got to be more upbeat than that," Tony said with a fake smile. "Maybe you need to listen to that Download Your Destiny thingy you had before."

Tim smiled a little more genuinely. "I don't think I kept it, Tony. Didn't seem to be any point."

"There probably isn't. Those things are just hokey."

Tim laughed and picked at his omelette again.

"Yeah, they are."

"Tim, I think you should talk to the shrink again," Ziva said. "I know you did and I know they said you did not have to continue doing it if you preferred not to...but this might help you."

"Maybe."

"Just think about it, McGee," Tony said. "You don't have to decide right this minute."

"Okay." He finished off his coffee. "I need to get back so that I can fawn over Jethro before he goes for his run."

"Okay."

They got up, and Tony and Ziva flanked him again to help him out of the café. They dropped him off at his apartment and watched him go inside.

"We should get Abby to work her magic," Tony said.

"Would her magic be enough?"

"She could try."

"We can suggest it."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim got back in time to let Maren take Jethro and then he got back on his bed, pulled off his socks and stared at his feet.

Two toes. Only two toes.