Why did I do that? I have NO idea! One moment we were just having this banter and then all of a sudden I was just furiously angry. Yet at the same time I realised what everyone else was experiencing.

The only way I can explain it is the way I suddenly felt so sad, and I didn't want anyone else to realise that. I know it's weird and stupid, but there and then, it felt totally real and true! And now I'm left by myself, heading up the rest of the hill, each step heavier than the previous one, but I keep my pace, as I didn't want the girls to catch up with me. All the time, I'm hoping that he does, hoping that he's run away from them to join me.

The weird thing is that little by little my mind starts feeling lighter. Yes, I'm embarrassed by my own behaviour earlier, but at the same time I … I realise that I've completely and utterly laid all my cards on the table. I've said exactly what I want and there's no way for John Paul to misunderstand it. He can do whatever he wants with it, but I can't make it any clearer. And I start feeling kind of happy.

Does that make sense?

For the first time since storming off I stop my ascension. Slowly I turn around. Not only to check whether I can see him, but also just to take in the surroundings. The scenery is beautiful. And no, it's not because I can see John Paul. In fact, I can't see him at all. The town looks tiny from this height, and it's not as if I'm that far up. The sea is the greenest shade of blue I've ever seen and on the other side I'm certain that I can see Ireland. And the tears well up in my eyes again. How could I… how could we lose sight of the thing we had over there?

All of a sudden I hear voices. I look in their direction and realise that I'm sat down where I'd been standing moments before. It's the girls again.

But no John Paul.

"Hi-ya," one of them greets me rather quietly as they get nearer. I realise it's the one that was flirting with him. "How you holding up, pet?" I notice that she silently urges the others to go on before she takes a seat next to me.

"I'm sorry I upset you before, pet. I …"

I interrupt her before she continues.

"It's not your fault. It's my own. I don't know what came over me earlier." I try to apologise.

"Oh, I know what came over you, don't get me wrong, pet. It's called jealousy, pet. But don't you fret. No harm done. Not to me, at least." She puts her left arm around my shoulders and pulls me towards her. "So, why did you storm off like that, pet?"

And it's the touch of this stranger who calls me pet that brings me the strength that I need to go back for him.

Who cares about reaching the peak when he's somewhere further

down?

***

I find him around the place where I left him. He hasn't gone that far. It looks as if he's been sat there for a while, probably thinking about what to do. About me! I start feeling stupid again.

"John… John Paul?" It's almost a whisper that escapes my lips as I approach him. And it's as if he doesn't register right away that someone's said his name. Slowly, though, he turns his face towards me and I can see the weariness in his eyes. He doesn't reply, but turns back to look out over the sea that I'd been watching earlier.

I take a seat on his left and sit there silently.

"Dublin's somewhere over there, you know." He suddenly states, kind of out of the blue. "You know something stupid I've never told you before?"

He doesn't wait for me to reply before continuing.

"Back when I was a kid, when my mum was telling me about all the horrors in Northern Ireland, with IRA and the loyalists, as a catholic I felt much more connected to Ireland, that I always believed the "real" Ireland to be the one closest to Chester, and Northern Ireland to be in the south-west corner of Ireland. And I know the clues in the name!"

I couldn't help but laugh and he soon joined me, before becoming serious again.

"And that's kind of how I feel at the moment. I'm so close to you, you know, you've been in my life … been my life … for such a long time, and I can't help but wonder whether I'm repeating that misunderstanding. That I'm mistaking closeness in here," he points at his heart, "for the reality in here," now pointing at his head,

"again."

***

So it's the geography of feelings I'm battling, I realise.

It's strangely a relief.

I know I can't physically move mountains, or in John Paul's case the northern part of Ireland to the south-west of the island, but I'm now convinced that I can replant the feelings he's admitted to have for me in his heart in his head. I only need time and will-power to do so.

To convince him that I'll never hurt him again. That he'll never doubt me again!
No small task then, ay?

We're still sat there, next to each other. I haven't said anything to contradict his statement. I know he's gagging for me to comment, but I've decided that I won't.
Instead I present my right hand towards him, in an open palm.

He slowly looks at me, a small smile on his lips, before he raises his left arm and presses his hand towards mine. We lock hands and smile at each other as we set to pull each other up. The result:

We both fall down to where we'd been sat.

Another result:

Laughter.

"Craig!" It's John Paul who's the first to talk. "What're you like?"

"Oy!" I can't stop myself. "It's not my fault you can't keep your balance!"

"What about you? It's not just me who's got wobbly feet, you know!" He retorts.

"Well, at least mine are not cold anymore!" I reply, not fully realising what I've just said.

"So you admit that you did have cold feet?" He asks me calmly before asking: "So Craig, what was it you really wanted?"

How can I reply to that?

'Help!?'