"It's getting hard to be around you, there's so much I can't say.
Do you want me to hide the feelings and look the other way?
And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop.
Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it, I can't sit around, I can't let him win now.
Thought you should know, I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to, I just gotta say it all before I go.
Just so you know.."
"Just so you know"-Jesse Mccartney
Kurt rolled over on his side, burying his face in his pillow. It was 10 P.M and he had just put the finishing touches on a History paper. His father and Carol had gone to bed thirty minutes ago, but he could still hear the low sounds of laughter and commercial music seeping in through the crack in the door and knew that his stepbrother was still awake, watching TV in the living room.
Irritated, he wondered why Carol was more flexible about bed-time than his father. It just wasn't fair.
It also wasn't fair that he felt restless, not because of school but because of Blaine.
Yes, Kurt was still thinking about Blaine Anderson holding his hand the other day. How ridiculous was that?
"God, this stinks!" he thought, lifting his head and glaring at clock on his nightstand. "Why am I letting him get inside my head? He just broke up with his boyfriend and it's sad and all, but.. Come on! It's not my problem. We're not even friends! Technically.. He dumped me as a friend, I think. Or did I dump him? It doesn't matter!"
Blaine had looked so upset when he'd spoken of Eli the other day. His honey-tinted eyes had almost glistened against the fading sunlight. And his skin had been very warm against Kurt's own pale flesh; so tan and smooth.
Kurt imagined hugging him; burying his face in Blaine's neck, feeling that heat course through Blaine's skin into his own.
"What would he smell like?" Kurt wondered. "Pine or mint? No.. Blaine doesn't strike me as the heavy cologne type. He probably just like soap; almond or spruce. Hmm, yeah."
Before he knew it, Kurt was imagining laying his cheek on Blaine's neck, feeling the other boy's hands around his waist.
"Blaine has a nice chest.."
One of Kurt's hands slipped under the covers.
"He's not exactly hunky like Sam Evans from school, but he's still strong-looking."
Sliding his eyes closed, Kurt bit down on his bottom lip. His hand traveled over his rib cage, stomach and hip bones. He wondered if Blaine really was a good kisser. He'd heard Eli say so once and it had irritated him, but now he was curious.
"If Blaine kissed me, would he use his tongue? Would he make me-?"
"Hmm…"
A soft groan escaped Kurt's throat. His lips parted. He imagined Blaine's lips pressed against his, Blaine's tongue gently slipping inside his mouth, his fingers scraping against Kurt's ribs. Maybe he would keep one hand on the back of his head, buried in Kurt's hair.
It made no sense but it felt so good.
"Uh…"
"Wait!"
Kurt's eyes flew open. He realized he was palming his crotch under the coverlet. He was also making out with Blaine in his mind.
"Holy crap! What's wrong with me?"
Frantically, Kurt rolled over on his side, facing the wall. He pulled up his silk pajama shorts and slid both hands underneath the pillow instead.
He was not going to fall asleep, jacking off to images of Blaine! It was so embarrassing. Not to mention, ridiculous.
"We're friends! No, we're not. I don't know but we're definitely not that!" Kurt's cheeks flushed tomato red as he buried clammed his eyes shut. "I'm definitely not crushing on Blaine freaking Anderson! Hell to the no, as Mercedes would say."
His heartbeat was high from his momentary excitement, but Kurt chose to ignore it, and eventually dozed off.
"Well, you look like crap," Tina told Kurt the next morning by the main entrance at school.
"Excuse me?" Kurt cast her an irritated look, only winning him a wry smile. Tina didn't seem phased at all by his apparent bad mood, which only made Kurt even more annoyed. Couldn't people get that he wanted to be left alone?
"Your sweater's on backwards," Tina pointed out the spot where the Macy's tag was visible below the collar under Kurt's chin.
Kurt cheeks flushed pink. He'd never been so exhausted that he'd committed a fashion error before! What was going on with him? All because of-
"Blaine!" Tina exclaimed, making Kurt jump in his low Doc Martins.
He looked up to his utter mortification and saw Blaine striding towards them with a leather messenger bag thrown over one shoulder and red-framed sunglasses pulled over his eyes.
"He looks like a junior writer for some trendy magazine." Kurt admired the brick red shirt that clung to Blaine's chest, outlining his shoulders just right, and the navy blue vest he'd thrown over it, that matched his low-rise jeans. Before he could stop himself, Kurt was already craning his head to the side, trying to see if Blaine's jeans showed off his cute tush and-
"Whaat?" He jerked back, pressing his binder and books against his chest as Blaine approached him and Tina. Kurt tried to hide the disgraced collar by tucking his chin close to his chest and peering over the top of his Algebra notebook at Blaine, while trying not to blush.
"Hey, Kurt," Blaine said with a bit more urgency in his tone now. "Rachel has an appointment with Ms. Pillsbury today so she can't practice with us after class, but I'm game if you are."
Kurt swallowed a lump in his throat. On the one hand, he was excited about having some quiet time of practicing his vocals with that annoying, bossy Rachel hanging around; pointing out his flaws all the time, but on the other hand, he'd be stuck in the auditorium with just Blaine. Blaine, who he'd be having wet dreams about.
"Ugh.." he groaned internally. "I feel a headache coming on."
But being the constant push-over that Kurt was, he nodded and forced a tight grin in Blaine's direction. "That's fine. I'll be there."
"Awesome!" A real great big smile broke across Blaine's face when he said that, making Kurt even more uncomfortable. "Four o'clock then."
He turned and sauntered away. Kurt's eyes immediately fell to his hips before he caught himself staring.
"Hmmm," Tia exclaimed, still standing near her locker. When Kurt turned around, she looked unapologetic about eavesdropping on his and Blaine's conversation.
"What's going on there, honey?"
"Nothing," Kurt mumbled tightening his hold on his binder and beginning to walk away.
It didn't take long for Tina to catch up to him, since they were going in the same direction to the second staircase leading up to their science class.
"Don't even think about lying to your oldest and dearest friend, Kurt," Tina persisted. "I've known you since third grade lunch when you asked to borrow my eyeliner, okay? You are hiding something and I won't be left in the dark."
Kurt's cheeks flushed with what he hoped was irritation, not embarrassment. He held on tighter to his faux leather messenger bag and gave Tina a calm yet hard look. "It's nothing," he said again as the bell rang.
Kurt knew he hadn't convinced Tina of anything. He could barely convince himself that his feelings for Blaine hadn't taken a serious turn since they'd started working together. He was no longer suspicious of Blaine's motives for being nice to him and he'd even come to recognize that Blaine Anderson could honestly be a decent guy. But he wasn't crushing on him!
"Hell no.." Kurt decided as he hurried to the auditorium after last period that afternoon.
He didn't want Blaine to think he was irresponsible. That was the only reason he was meeting him for glee practice. Well that, and to prove to himself that his dreams weren't affecting him at all; that Blaine was just Blaine.
Kurt's heart stuttered as he pushed open the door to the auditorium. He hadn't expected to find Blaine sitting at the piano, looking so.. Forlorn.
He seemed engrossed in a slow rhythm that he was lightly tapping on the keys, his fingers barely moving. As Kurt quietly descended the steps towards the stage, he noticed Blaine's shoulders bowed, his posture drooping, no longer confident.
"Wow.. He seems to have changed a lot in such a short amount of time!" Kurt thought. "That Eli dude must've done a real number on him."
Unexpectedly, Kurt felt a wave of pity towards Blaine. He personally didn't know what Blaine had ever seen in Eli but he decided that Blaine still didn't deserve to be jerked around like this, humiliated.
He was an okay guy, after all. It wasn't his fault his sister was an obnoxious self-centered priss, or that he had fallen for a guy who turned out to be a coward.
"Woah.. Why am I getting so torn up about this?" Kurt wondered as he set his bag down on a seat in the front row. "It's not like Eli had broken up with me.. Gross!" Kurt shuddered as he thought about the lanky twinkish dude.. Not his type at all! Blaine, on the other hand.. Dorky in a cute way, preppy and a little retro, sings like a dream, has eyes like warm honey..
"Wait! There I go again, daydreaming about Blaine. What the hell? Get it together, Hummel! You can feel sorry for him; fine, but don't..like fantasize about him!"
Kurt's internal monologue was cut short by the loud clang of piano keys as Blaine stopped playing. He jerked his head up and saw that the other boy's body was turned towards him.
"Kurt, I didn't hear you come in," Blaine said, a bit flustered. Kurt almost smiled at the light flush across the bridge of Blaine's nose.
He could be so cute sometimes..
"Oh, that's okay. You seemed preoccupied. Have you found a song?" Kurt hurriedly climbed onto the stage.
Blaine glanced down at the sheet music he'd set up in front of him on top of the piano. "I think so," he said uncertainly. "But that wasn't it. I was just fooling around with some notes."
"Wow, he doesn't seem that into it." Before he could restrain himself, Kurt laid a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Blaine's eyebrows lifted, letting him know that he was also surprised by the concern in Kurt's voice and the gesture.
"Yeah..umm.. It's just not my day," Blaine mumbled. "Or week." He let out a short humorless laugh.
Kurt lowered himself onto the piano bench and the movement seemed to jolt Blaine into action again. He started rearranging the sheet music.
"We can practice another time.." Kurt suggested.
"No, it's alright," Blaine hurriedly replied. "I've found a really good song, actually. We shouldn't let this time go to waste."
Kurt nodded. "Okay, show me what this great song is."
Blaine laughed again, this time a little more lively. "Well, I'm not sure if it'll hold up to the standards of Kurt Hummel's infinite play list."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kurt challenged, folding his arms over his navy vest.
"Nothing," Blaine said lightly. "You're just a little uptight sometimes."
Kurt almost stuttered. "I'm uptight? Are you forgetting Miss Rachel Berry, a.k.a your sister, a.k.a the prissiest control freak in this school?"
Blaine simply laughed, seeming unfazed by Kurt's rant. "Settle down. I was just teasing."
Kurt's cheeks flushed but he plopped down on the bench next to Blaine. Blaine reached over and rubbed a hand on Kurt's left shoulder.
"Loosen up, Hummel!"
Kurt's skin prickled at the contact.
He took a deep breath before asking, "So..umm, what's this song we're doing?"
Blaine grinned smugly as if he knew Kurt was evading his concern somehow.
Not for the first time that day, Kurt wondered how much Blaine knew about him; remembered.
"I was thinking.." Blaine trailed off, reaching for the sheet music and handing it to Kurt.
Kurt glanced down and smiled.
"One of my favorites."
"Okay, I'm game."
A few seconds later, Blaine started tapping the opening chords to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles. He nodded at Kurt to begin the opening vocals.
"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand.."
Blaine joined in, his voice smooth as ever.
"When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your hand.."
Kurt echoed, "I wanna hold your hand."
As the chords of the next verse took shape, Kurt noticed Blaine's posture shift. His back became more rigid, shoulders more tense. Kurt glanced down at Blaine's hands and noticed the blue veins in his knuckles showing from how tightly they were clenched.
"Oh please, say to me you'll let me be your man."
All of a sudden, Blaine stopped playing. His hands dropped to his lap. He stared at the keys with a weird expression on his face. It was like he was determined not to show emotion, which wasn't like him at all. Blaine was the type of guy who wore his heart on his sleeve. Perhaps that was why he got hurt so often.
Again, Kurt felt a wave of sympathy for his former best friend.
"Are you okay?" he asked hesitantly.
Blaine sighed. "Yeah, sorry. This song just reminds me of someone."
Kurt bit his tongue to keep from making any type of sarcastic comment. He knew exactly who that "someone" was and it irritated him to no end.
"God, Blaine! Stop wasting time on people who don't care!" he wanted to say.
Instead he copied Blaine's earlier gesture, reaching one hand over and rubbing his shoulder. "It's okay."
"No, it's not okay!"
Kurt was startled when Blaine snapped, his voice frustrated and angry-sounding. He had never seen Blaine get mad before, not in a long while, anyway.
After a moment, Blaine exhaled loudly, pulling back from the piano.
"I'm sorry. I've just been in a funk lately. I'm sorry." His gaze dropped and he seemed embarrassed when he said, "I didn't mean to snap."
Kurt didn't know what to say. Words were building up inside his throat but he couldn't phrase them properly. "Blaine, I..umm.. I think Eli doesn't deserve you."
Kurt's whole body flushed when he uttered this. He couldn't believe the sentence had come out of his mouth! Sure, he had always thought it to be true but to actually say it? Unbelievable.
He was turning into someone else. Ever since they had been paired off for that stupid English assignment, Kurt had felt himself become more insecure and childish.
"How can one person have so much power over you?" He wondered. "It's scary."
A corner of Blaine's mouth turned up in a sarcastic smile. "Right," he scoffed.
Kurt's eyes hardened for a second. He didn't appreciate being mocked, especially not by Blaine freaking Anderson! "I do!" He insisted, twisting around on the bench so his body faced Blaine. "I think he's a real idiot. I'm sorry but I do. He's a coward, Blaine, and I just don't get why you would lower yourself to his level, to hide who you are. That's not you."
"It's not?" Blaine asked bitterly, seeming unconvinced.
This made Kurt even madder. Without thinking, he wrapped a hand around Blaine's forearm and looked at him squarely in the eye. "No, it's not. You've always been confident, even when we were little. I always looked up to you for that and it's just not fair that you should have to change for someone who doesn't even want to stand up for you. I just don't get it."
Blaine just stared at him for a minute, his expression unsure. He didn't know whether to believe Kurt's statement or not. It would kill him if Kurt was just making fun of him, just leading him on.. Like Eli. But then, no. Kurt wasn't like that.
Taking a second look at his old best friend, Blaine decided that Kurt Hummel was too frank to be a tease. His clear blue eyes were filled with stark emotions that made Blaine believe he wouldn't waste time saying these things if they weren't true. Kurt Hummel could be sort of a snob. He didn't waste time on people he didn't think was worth it.
Blaine almost laughed but caught himself.
Instead he sighed and shook his head. "You really do think so, right?"
Kurt nodded, caught momentarily star struck by Blaine's hazel stare. It was amazing how he could be taken off guard at the most unexpected moments. Why on earth was he suddenly tongue-tied after giving Blaine such a lengthy compliment? It didn't make any sense.
"Uhuh..I- I do," he said slowly. "You're a really nice guy, Blaine, underneath all that hair gel and attitude."
Blaine smirked. "I have attitude? That's rich coming from you, Mr. sassy-pants."
He gave Kurt a little shove. Kurt shoved him right back, but then both boys glanced down and noticed that Kurt's hand was still lingering on Blaine's arm, a second too late.
"I..um-" Kurt started making an excuse to get up off the bench, but then Blaine suddenly grabbed hold of the hem of Kurt's shirt and tugged him closer.
Kurt blinked but didn't have time to react as Blaine kissed him on the lips. He felt a streak of heat run down his spine as Blaine's hand tightened around his waist. Blaine's lips were warm and soft. He pulled back and the two boys just stared at each other for a beat.
The first one to speak was Blaine and his voice was merely a whisper as he said, "I'm sorry", and scrambled to get up. "I have to go."
He pulled his book bag over his shoulder and hurried down the steps leading off the stage. Kurt watched, stunned, as Blaine headed out of the auditorium, not once looking back.
"What the hell just happened?" He wondered as color flooded his cheeks, at last, and he could breathe again.