Disclaimer: Not mine. SM's.
Please read and review! Thanks!! By the way, just so you all know, I like criticism. Criticism is helpful. As long as it's constructive criticism, not like "The only way to fix this story is to put me in it and make me end up with Edward." That kind of stuff - not so much. But hey, if that's what you really think, go for it. Just please tell me what you honestly think of it - that's what helps the most. Thanks everyone again for reading!! And now I'll bring my rant to a close and give you the chapter. Rant is now officially over.
Ch. 10 – Denial
I drove slower than usual, grateful to drag out every second. There was not enough traffic, and I arrived at school too early. Time seemed to be rushing by me at a million miles per hour.
Edward was not in any of my classes before lunch. It seemed like I had just arrived at school when the lunch bell rang. The person that I was had seemed to be constantly changing in the past few days, and today was no different. My mood walking down the hallway toward the cafeteria this time was wildly different from how it had been the day before. Before I had looked at the open cafeteria doors as a symbol of light; today they were a symbol of despair; I felt like I was knowingly walking into a trap. An inevitable end. But I didn't have a choice. I had to.
After I got my lunch I quickly decided not to initiate a conversation to tell him what I was doing. I would go over to my corner and hope he got the message.
I looked over toward his table and saw the whole family laughing and smiling. They looked so happy and carefree. Like I never could be. How I craved it.
I picked up a book, but I didn't read it. I was looking through it, looking at nothing. Suddenly someone spoke. Not someone. I would never forget that voice.
"Hi," greeted Edward.
I nodded stiffly in his direction. I couldn't talk yet. Edward seemed somewhat taken aback at my response, but he continued.
"Do you want to come sit with us again?" he asked hopefully. I couldn't bear to look into his mesmerizing green eyes again. The knowledge that I loved him changed the way I looked at everything he did. The way I perceived it. The pain overwhelmed me.
"No," I barely managed to choke out. Every inch of me was going against what my mouth was saying.
"Oh," he said, sounding hurt. "Did I do something...to offend you?"
I shook my head frantically, not knowing whether or not I could speak. He couldn't blame this on himself. He was the last person at fault. I couldn't bear for him to feel guilty.
"I guess I'll just sit here, then," he followed up. I didn't trust myself to speak enough to tell him not to, and I also don't think I would've had that kind of strength even if my voice was fine.
He walked across the room to get his lunch and came to sit beside me. I didn't pretend to read anymore, and I didn't pretend to eat. What was the use? I was tired of pretending. I just sat there, drowning in misery. We stayed like that in silence for a while. Finally, he broke it.
"Rosalie's got it in her mind that there's something wrong with you. Because of accumulation of things. Violent mood swings included," he said, suddenly grinning at me. It didn't touch his eyes. I didn't return it.
"She thinks I should stay away from you. Maybe she's right. But I just can't...find it in myself to do it. To say goodbye to you. I like you, Bella. I like you a lot." His eyes confirmed his every word he said. There was no way to doubt him. I felt like I was being sucked into them, and when I thought I might be completely overcome, I looked away.
"This is wrong," I muttered hopelessly.
"What's wrong?" he asked with concern. Suddenly he looked chagrined. "Do you...not...feel the same way?"
"No, I...well, I..," I attempted at a coherent response. How was I supposed to answer that? "No, that's not what I was talking about. It's just that...I don't want you to feel that way. You should stay away from me. Please do. I can't...bear it. Please." By the end I was begging.
"What can't you bear?" he asked, looking confused.
"I can't...tell you," I answered after coming up blank with an excuse. Whatever Edward had been expecting, it had not been this. "Rosalie was right. There is something...wrong with me, I guess you could say." I laughed humorlessly.
"Let me guess," said Edward teasingly, trying to lighten the mood, "You suffer from violent mood swings."
I smiled weakly and shook my head. "I wish you wouldn't."
"Why?" he asked, puzzled.
"Because what if you guess right?" I told him, attempting to smile again. Edward puzzled over this as somebody ran by. The breeze ruffled his hair, and my throat responded. It had gotten noticeably worse today. I needed to hunt. I sighed, and Edward looked at me curiously.
I was causing him pain. I had failed. It was too late. He was just human, though, and he would get over it. But at what cost to him? What pain would he have to go through to get there?
I had been able to leave him when I thought it was just my suffering. I could've borne the pain. But could I do it again with the knowledge that I would also be causing him to suffer, too? Causing him pain? I didn't know. I knew what I wanted and I knew what was morally right. The two didn't coincide. There was no answer to make everything right.
There had to be a third factor. Stronger that either of the first two. Desire and morals could continue their argument for as long as they wanted to, but what would ultimately decide? I had to be overlooking some obvious answer. I intuitively knew that.
Edward stared at me with expectant eyes.