And here we go, another chapter. You guys ready? Well what are you waiting for? Enjoy:
(~Annabelle~)
It was midafternoon when Aley decided to pay me a visit. I wasn't particularly cheerful with her, but I sure was grateful she finally decided to check up on me after all the escapades she took with her new boyfriend and all. I still can't say I like or even understand their relationship; They're still young and full of ignorance, but aren't we all?
She was alone this time, and I decided it would be best to hold my tongue. I didn't want any more drama with her of the type that bloomed when Sam was around. It was kind of peculiar he hadn't tagged along, but the second she landed in my hollow, I knew she was just as happy as ever.
"Anna!" Aley exclaimed the instant her claws touched down. Joy of a syrupy nature was clinging to her face, and I could tell she was about to unload a wondrous message. I can't say it felt good to see her; I was just relieved she wasn't with that Sam or any of his goons.
"Hey, Aley," I replied nonchalantly. I tried my best to act normal, but I was still disappointed in her. I guess I can't really control her life or the decisions she makes, but that doesn't mean I must approve of them. Still, she was like a sister to me, and I had to support her, if nothing else, and maintain stable relations with her.
"Oh my gosh, Anna! You won't believe what Sam just told me!"
My mood dropped considerably upon the mention of his name. I couldn't help but grimace a bit on the inside, but I made a full effort to block any irritation from rising to the surface. It wasn't like me to blatantly disrespect her, after all.
"What? What did he say?" I asked, wondering what could possibly bring such enlightenment to my best friend.
Did the two find another club? Perhaps he said he liked her eyes or went on about how pretty she was, you know, your typical male compliments. Either way, I tried to ignore in the back of my mind any assumptions about their bond. But something was telling me my worst fears were moments away from coming true.
"He said he wanted to take it to the next level," Aley squawked as calmly as she possibly could, holding back her bubbling anticipation. If her words hadn't struck me in a way that brought doubt, shame, and resentment, maybe I would have noticed her bouncing up and down in excitement.
Maybe it was my face or the fact that my beak dropped open, but something about the silence and hesitation of my answer caused Aley to don a questioning stare.
"Well?" she asked, "what do you think?"
My mind was still trying to grasp the full meaning of "to the next step" but I had a good feeling of what it actually meant… and it didn't lift my spirits one bit.
"What exactly does that mean?" I asked, shaking my head in bewilderment. Please don't say what I think you're going to say, I thought to myself.
"Well…" Aley said, looking up as she put together her thoughts.
A few seconds passed as she tapped her talon on the wooden floor of the hollow, contemplating my possible reactions. I had option but to steel myself and accept whatever she was going to throw at me.
And so I donned a fake expression of complacency for my friend in an effort to please her.
"Well…" Aley repeated, stretching the word out longer than necessary before continuing, "me and Sam have been talking a lot, and I think we've pretty much decided that we're going to become mates."
Aley's face contorted into a nervous smile as if she was hoping for a positive response. So I gave her one.
"That's fantastic," I stated in a cheerful tone, but not too cheerful so as to avoid overdoing it. "I can't believe it. Such short time you've known each other and you're already going to make the ultimate commitment."
As soon as my approval reached her ears, a huge brimming grin flooded her face, showing obvious satisfaction in my reaction.
"Thanks, Anna. Thanks for accepting him."
"But," I said in a more serious tone, "are you so sure you're ready to make this step? I mean, becoming mates is no laughing matter. With that comes great responsibility and sacrifice, as it's no longer about you. It's about taking care of the children you might have, and pleasing Sam with your words and actions."
Aley's face smoothed out to a moderate smile.
"It's okay, Annabelle. As long as I have faithful friends like you supporting me and my love of Samuel, nothing bad could possibly happen."
She brushed my responsibility speech off like a bothersome fly and went on describing how perfect her Samuel was. I, for the most part, zoned out due to my mind racing in a million directions.
I kept trying to put it all into perspective, and either way I looked at it, it just didn't seem like a good idea or even feasibly possible, for that matter. The two go out on a first date literally the day they meet, and "fool around" after ditching me.
What exactly they did I may never know.
Then they spend the next two days together, and suddenly they see each other as mating material? It just didn't sound like a proper way to handle things, and I felt like I was losing my grip on my friendship more and more.
I couldn't pretend forever, and the more and more Aley talked and I thought about it, the more I felt deeply saddened by it and disappointed.
I was losing my best friend Aley, a sister to me, all because of a stupid male. Suddenly the world felt like it was closing in on me, and I nearly had an anxiety attack before Aley finished her stories and bid me farewell.
It wasn't until after she was gone that I realized the true depth of the toll it took on me. I wasn't much of a liar, as it was against my nature, and the blunt act of falsehood I put on shook me to the core.
It took me almost a full hour to come to terms with it, and even then I failed to embrace it. Why couldn't she realize it was so reckless to dive beak-first into a relationship without thoroughly evaluating your partner?
I know we all only have one shot at life, hence the "YOLO" term, but if anything, that was precisely why someone, namely Aley, should approach it with caution, rather than haste. You can't zoom down the road of life, ignoring the speed bumps along the way, and expect everything turn out fairy-tale perfect.
And another point that didn't make sense to me was the whole dating scene itself. It seemed she was trying to work her way around the threat of being let down, and skipping the trial and error of actually finding a compatible mate.
Yet if this deepening fling of theirs managed to work out, would it change my perspective and my attitude?
Personally, I shied away from soul-searching because the possibility of failure and rejection scared me. But in the end, was her method more effective? Or even practical at that?
Finding the perfect someone and trial and error were mutually inclusive, but Aley saw them as mutually exclusive.
Maybe this was a love-at-first-sight situation, however shaky it may be. Wasn't love-at-first-sight what led Blu to fall for Jewel and, in a sense, set their destiny to become lovers in stone right from the very beginning? Maybe I am looking at it the wrong way, and maybe I am just plain wrong.
I sure hope I am.
I just don't know what to think anymore. I guess I respect the fact that she's spinning head-over-tail for him. What's disheartening is that she is rushing her life. It hurts, because I care about her well-being, I really do.
I think I need to take my mind off this issue… when was the last time I relaxed and had a bath?
(-Blu-)
Move on? How could I, honestly?
I'll try to respect Jewel's wishes, however skeptical I am of them. But in any case, such a thing was easier said than done. Feelings for someone that you loved just don't flutter away the moment you will them to. The thing is, I didn't just love Jewel. I loved her more than me, more than life itself even.
She was persuading me to attempt the impossible, and it scared me to be completely honest.
Upon Alex leaving me to myself, I departed to the hollow. No, not just any hollow, but The Hollow, the one that I had picked out for Jewel and me especially. It was where our future would have unfolded, but now it's a distant whisper of a memory, and the only place I could truly pay my respects to what should have been.
It was the only place I could go to fully appreciate what she meant to me, mainly because this perfect hollow in particular was a symbol of the perfect life that never happened. The location by the waterfall was monumentally beautiful, and could only belong to the queen of the jungle, my Jewel.
One can't just simply swing into another relationship, and I didn't plan to, quite frankly. I don't think I could bring myself to instantly love another, not like I loved Jewel. I don't think I will ever find love again.
I mean, how lucky was I to capture such a beautiful bird like Jewel? Such a thing couldn't happen twice in one life time.
Or could it?
The only bird that I've ever met that came anywhere close to Jewel's beauty was that other bird… Annabelle, was it? It was a different strain of beauty though, cute and innocent. She seemed so good-natured, but could I really find myself loving her as I did Jewel?
No, of course not. She couldn't be the one.
She has her whole life ahead of her, and I couldn't take that away from such a sweet girl. The kindness she showed me reinforces that fact. Yet in that short time, she sure struck something within me.
I got this weird feeling talking to her, however brief it was. It was like she really meant every word, and that she felt it was her duty to help me. I can't allow myself to drag her down into my personal hell.
So why do I keep thinking about her?
I clutched the small pebble I placed inside the hollow ages ago with my right talon. What promise it symbolized and the purpose it had served were never fulfilled, sadly. I closed my eyes and took one last deep breath before surveying the inside of the perfect hollow one last time.
The amazing view of the roaring waterfall off in the distance served as a soothing white noise to cleanse my thoughts, and with one last breath, I kicked the small pebble out and took off to the small basin around the waterfall.
The roar of the crashing water intensified the closer I flew to it, and upon landing, it was hard to maintain a constant flow of thought through the noise. The water bubbled around the impact zone of the waterfall, then mellowed out to the outside edges until it became supremely calm.
I gazed into the glasslike area of the water, pondering what I might find within its depths. The sun beamed enough light down through the canopy for me to espy clearly what I was looking at. I met my somber reflection with ease, taking in every feature and feather.
My unkempt plumage distorted my appearance, but that wasn't the part that threw me for a loop. Something strange happened to me in the time that I lost Jewel, for in this reflection, I couldn't quite recognize myself.
It had been a while since I last saw myself, but that was back when I had a grasp of who I was. This new reflection and image invoked dread in me; it was rougher, and an aura of uncertainty and sorrow clouded my features. I couldn't quite place it exactly, but I was different.
And I hated it.
Who have I become? I asked myself as I stared into the depths of the water.
The longer I held my own gaze, the more I felt disconnected from who I used to be. Who am I? Without Jewel, who have I become? What was Jewel to me exactly?
She was my love, my purpose, my everything. Without purpose and our dreams and desires, what are we but savages? What motives for living or existing did I have? Without purpose or direction there was nothing. No reason for anything, not even an excuse to tangibly exist and breath.
I was a part of that decrepit club, and I realized this in my reflection. I was scum and trash, only placing burdens on the shoulders of people around me. Was the selfish role that everyone played inherent to being alive and tangibly thriving? Or was there some way to better that, to justify or put reason and cause behind living other than one's own selfish motives.
What purpose could I serve in this life now, and how can I make things better for both myself and others?
I don't even know where I am anymore. Angrily I splashed the water and jumped in, decisively ruining the placid pond. I had become so worked up in my thoughts that I wanted to clear my head.
I began preening my feathers in the water, splashing around and thoroughly cleaning myself. It felt like ages since I had last done this, and my coat was cloaked in grime. It disgusted me to no end, picking out the massive number of clumps of dirt, and I worked a solid five minutes on just my left wing alone. When I did complete a spot, it contrasted greatly from the other areas of my body, which remained in disarray.
I must have worked diligently, as I failed to realize that a set of eyes had fallen upon me. I had become so engrossed in my monotonous work that my surroundings became a dull haze that blended together and received no recognition or acknowledgement from me. Needless to say, I almost had a heart attack right on the spot when I heard my own name.
"Blu?"a curious voice asked among the roar of the waterfall.
I immediately shot my head up and surveyed my surroundings, but to no avail.
"Wha-who's there?" I questioned, swiveling my head side to side and trying to locate the source of the faintly familiar voice
"Up above you, silly!"
I turned my head up to catch a flash of color flapping slightly above and in front of me. My eyes quickly adjusted and deciphered the pure azure coat, and immediately I knew exactly who it was.
"Annabelle?" I asked, squinting.
"Yeah, it's me. Fancy meeting you here, huh," she said as she tilted her head and glided down to the other side of the pool, landing in the shallows.
I have no idea what's so different about these jungle birds in terms of privacy, but when I'm taking a bath, I want to be left alone. Jewel, on the other hand, didn't find it weird when she took a bath with me. I guess such a thing was common in the jungle, but doing that in the vicinity of Annabelle unsettled me greatly, and I nearly left.
Yet something compelled me to stay. Strange how she showed up here, and for what reason? Was she here to bathe as well?
In my delusional thinking, I guess I zoned out and had not realized I was staring right at her. After some time, she bore into me with a timid, embarrassed expression.
"Um, Blu? You're kind of staring at me."
"Oh, sorry. I'm sorry…" I said with a nervous smile. She smiled slightly, but then turned her back to me and began to preen herself. I just shook my head and turned away too.
That was kind of weird, I thought before returning to my work.
Silence once again flooded over me, well, as much silence as you can have with a roaring waterfall a short ways off from you, but my mind stayed on Annabelle. She seemed like such a nice bird, should I try to talk to her?
Jewel's and Alex's separate messages replayed over in my head, but I knew I couldn't try to build a relationship with Annabelle. Yet the strange thing is, I felt compelled to at least communicate, so I hastened my work.
Quickly, I ran through my coat at a hurried pace, making sure I got most, if not all, of the dirt and grime out of my coat. My mind was racing the entire time trying to think of every reason, situation, and possible outcome that could happen.
Sad thing is, there was no logical reason and any situation that could happen was beyond my comprehension. The uncertainty in itself was enough to drive me away, but I steeled myself and upon finishing my bath, I decidedly sailed over to Annabelle.
I had no idea what I was doing.
But my speculation led me to believe that I had nothing to lose. Therefore, the only consequence for failure was embarrassment, which in itself means nothing if you don't have any pride. Plus, I wasn't trying to hook up with Annabelle. The only thing I remotely wanted to be seen as was a friend.
Rather unceremoniously, I landed a foot or so in front of Annabelle with a rather large splash. In my haste I had failed to prepare anything to say, so what literally escaped my beak shamed me more than I thought possible.
"Hey Annabelle, I-"
I stopped with my beak wide open.
Her eyes gave way to the fact that she was quite surprised by my abrupt entrance, and I must have looked like the biggest idiot anyone has ever seen dropping in like that. I just about died on the spot between her confused and surprised face and my lack of words.
A full five seconds must have passed before I realized I was in a stunned state.
"Yes, Blu?" She didn't seem annoyed or mad or any type of negative emotion, just surprised.
Come on Blu, I thought, just drop the silly act and think of something real to say!
"Oh, sorry… I um, I just wanted to say thank you."
"Thank you for what?" Annabelle asked innocently.
"For the other night," I concluded. "Something about what you said helped me."
I averted my eyes down to the water, awaiting her response.
Any sane girl would just turn tail and take off now, I thought.
"Oh, it was no problem," Annabelle replied in a normal tone.
"But um, Blu?" she asked, tilting her head to the side. "This isn't really the place to talk. I mean… I'm kind of taking a bath."
"Oh!" I shouted. "I'll leave you be, then. But would it be okay if we, I don't know, had a meal together? Just for the heck of it?" I questioned as purely and meekly as possible.
Annabelle looked me up and down for a few seconds, studying me as if she was trying to count my feathers. She hesitated and averted her eyes. I almost melted away into water like the witch from the Wizard of Oz.
Such was the anticipation of waiting for her answer. I couldn't help but think I epically screwed up in asking her out to dinner, I surely didn't want her to think I was hitting on her.
Again, for the third time, I almost took to the sky on a one-way trip to nowhere. Yet, before I could perform such an action, she answered.
"Sure."
Simple and serene, such an answer sent my heart floating. It was oh-so strange, something I didn't intend to happen or fully understand. The only thing I knew was that I was happy.
"Just uh, let me finish cleaning up first," Annabelle queried petulantly.
"Oh, sure, uh… I'll just get, out of your feathers then."
She flashed me one last silly look before I took off and headed for a nearby tree.
It should be just enough time for me to pick out the last remaining bits of dirt I overlooked, and as I worked, my mind went back over the events that had recently occurred. I slapped myself a few times and plucked a few feathers out, punishing myself for my stupidity in how I approached the situation.
As Annabelle flew up, I couldn't understand for the life of me why I was behaving in such a childish manner.
Just a few moments before she arrived, I was in a miserable state of depression. And yet, Annabelle lifted it and cast it away into the distance like a heavy weight. Could it be that I was infatuated with her? The thought made me shiver internally. The only thing I wanted was to be her friend. I wanted a friend to help me and take my mind off my past.
Nothing more, and nothing less.
"Hey, Blu," Annabelle called up bashfully as she ascended to where I was in the tree.
"Hey," I replied when she landed next to me. "So, what would you like to eat tonight?"
"Hm," Annabelle pondered as she averted her eyes, thinking deeply. One thing was for sure as I waited for her decision; she sure looked beautiful after that quick bath. Not that she looked bad or anything before, but the new resplendent sheen in her coat gave her a new vivacious appeal to her.
"I think I want… Mangoes," She said returning back to me with a wide, brimming smile on her face. "Only of course, if you want," she added as if asking my permission.
Always with the mangoes, huh, I remarked to myself, Jewel always wanted mangoes. That was her favorite, after all.
"Sure, mangoes it is," I replied back with a half chuckle.
"Sweet, and maybe some grapes afterwards!" She exclaimed, I just smiled and nodded my head before scanning around for the nearest mango tree.
Always with the mangoes, I repeated. It only took me a few seconds to spot a mango tree as fruit trees were abundant around the basin of the water fall. After locating one with a particular luscious patch of fruits, I pointed with my wing to indicate which one would be the best to dine on.
"Let's try that tree. It's fruits look just right." I shrugged. Anna just nodded in acknowledgement as an indicator for me to lead the way. I quickly opened my wings and hopped up into the air, gliding the short distance to tree in question.
Upon landing it was clear that I was right in my deduction, and the fruit laden tree withheld perhaps the best fruits in the slew of trees in the area. The branch upon which I had landed had a few lingering fruits nearby. Deftly, I snatched a one juicy mango in particular and handed it over to Annabelle who landed next to me a few seconds after my own arrival.
"Thank you," Annabelle said as I handed her the fruit. She eyed the orange and red sphere before diving in beak first. The second her beak tore open the mango the rich vibrant scent of mangoes filled the air, peaking my hunger as I reached for a fruit of my own.
I managed to grab my own perfectly ripe fruit and began to dine myself. We sat in a peaceful, serene silence as we satisfied our hunger. The dull white noise roar of the waterfall was the only audible thing and it also served as beautiful scenery as we gazed into the constant flow of water, eating the intensely sweet fruit whose aroma filled the air.
It was a thing of beauty really, and a moment like this could last a life time without a care in the world. I really lost myself, sitting next to a beautiful bird, watching a cloud of mist form around a swirling crash of water. It was all such a contrast of my earlier feelings, and I reflected back how I felt earlier.
It was moments like these, that I felt my life found stability in, for I may no longer have or even require a mate, perhaps life wasn't all just about that.
Perhaps there was something to be taken from nature, a lesson maybe. And the companionship, that of which was still premature, was greatly needed. Thankfully there wasn't a single stressful thought in my mind; I had pushed all of those aside to enjoy a near perfect moment.
The only possible thing that could have made my experience better was if it was shared with my love, Jewel, but I tried to keep my mind off what could have been because 'could have been' also implies 'never will be'.
(~Annabelle~)
Having dinner with Blu was a marvelous idea. The succulent mangos we ate were absolutely amazing and the view we shared was nothing short of breath taking.
All that aside, however, I couldn't help but wonder why he asked me to dinner. Being the cautious bird that I am, the possibility of him trying to take advantage of me was present in my mind, but he didn't seem like that type of bird. On top of that I almost felt compelled to sit with him, after all that he has been through and all.
While I will admit that we did meet under somewhat embarrassing circumstances, I could tell that he was for the most part harmless and genuine. How could I turn him down? We are the last two Spix's macaws, after all. So in essence he was kind of like family, in a weird way I guess.
I do, however, see what Jewel must have saw in him. In that brief moment before he asked me to dinner he did make a fool out of himself, but all in good fun. He sort of had that goofy appeal, yet I can still feel layers of pain and torment just below the surface.
It felt kind of like he had repressed something down for a long time and just spontaneously decided to let loose. It was rather funny, I might say myself.
But again, all that aside, there was something I really wanted to ask him as we sat enjoying our meal. It clawed at my mind and I couldn't help but steal a few glimpses at him every now and again as if I were trying to find my answer in his visage.
I waited and repressed my question, though. I wanted to wait until we both had finished eating before we started talking.
The last few bits of fruit were as juicy as the first as I plopped them in my beak and munched away. After finishing my meal I turned and watched Blu finish up the last of his, who only had one last bite himself.
It was only after he finished himself that he noticed me staring at him. He just gave me a nervous smile as he returned my stare.
"So, Blu," I started slowly, trying to organize my thoughts completely, "How have you been? I mean in the past few months since… yeah."
I knew my question was rather rude and probably lashed open painful scars, but I needed to make sure everything was alright with him. He averted his eyes once my question hit him. His face laden with pain, he just shook his head.
"I mean, is everything okay? Blu?" I asked trying to reach out with my heart.
"No, I haven't been okay… it's been hell." He replied back with hurt in his voice. The sad, pained expression on his face made me slap myself internally for asking such a blatantly hurtful question. Of course he's been having trouble, who wouldn't after losing someone so dear?
"I'm sorry… I'm sorry for you loss and I'm sorry for making you remember," I asked pitifully ashamed of myself. I had to look away, there was no way I could look at him, he probably hated me now.
"Don't be," He replied back in a cracking voice. I forced myself to meet his eyes again and it became obvious he was on the brink of crying as tears filled his eyes. "Her death… is a fact I can't erase or reverse. It's something… I have to cope with," He said in a wavy voice before shaking the tears our of his eyes. "I can't say that I'm happy, or will ever truly be happy…"
Blu turned his head and looked at his talons, struggling to fight back tears. In that moment it felt like my heart was ripping open in sympathy and what I did next was partly out of instinct and self-preservation. With both wings I reached out and hugged Blu. My eyes began to leak tears of their own, but I hid my face from him when I hugged him in an embrace.
Blu neither rejected or accepted it, standing still in place. Yet, I could tell there was a sense of gratefulness in the what he said next.
"Jewel, she was… she was the perfect bird… you know? We found ourselves… in each other… I really do miss her." Blu croaked in a broken and sad voice as he place his right wing on my back. His breathing became labored as it was obvious he started crying to himself.
I had to give myself a few seconds before I was able to compose myself to say something, but when I finally brought myself up to the task no words came. I was at a lost and I just wanted to cry for him, so I said the only thing someone with no control over a situation could.
"If you need anything Blu…" I said behind tears, "I'll be here for you."
I pulled away and looked at him. We were both crying at this point, but a faint smile permeated on Blu's beak.
"Thank you," he said in a faint whisper. It wasn't much a response, but in those two words volumes could be said. He shook his head and wiped the tears out of his eyes smiling all the while.
"No seriously," he started again, "Thank you… This may sound weird… but something about talking with you and being around you… it takes my mind off of it… helps me remember who I used to be." Blu closed his eyes and took a deep breath before exhaling slowly, "Thank you,"
"Any time," I whispered jokingly. I was blown away by his words and the impact he said I made. Was I really that special? He didn't even know me really.
The sun had long began its descent and had finally reached he horizon. Before long night would take it's reign over the world and I'd need to retreat to my hollow. Something inside me didn't want to leave this poor, broken bird, but inevitably I couldn't stay out here all night.
"Well," I said breaking the silence, "I think it's about time I head home, big guy."
Blu frowned, but nodded in agreement. "I guess I'll see you around, then." He said wiping the newly formed tears out of his eyes again.
"Yeah, stay strong, Blu," I said as I turned around opened up my wings and prepared to take off.
"Um, Anna?" I heard Blu whisper from behind.
"Yes Blu?" I asked looking at him again. He had a bashful look on his face and he had his eyes locked on his talons.
"Um, do you think we could do this again tomorrow?" He asked me in a small voice.
I merely smiled, "Sure Blu," I said patting him on the back with my outstretched wing, "Same spot for lunch. How does that sound?"
Blu flashed a bright smile at me, "Sounds perfect."
I lifted off into the air and bid him farewell one last time before I turned and oriented myself in the direction of my hollow. I flapped two powerful strokes and began my journey home. Before I had gotten too far I heard a faint 'thank you' come from behind, and my heart nearly melted.
Even though it was probably one of the weirdest things that has ever happened randomly to me, I felt like I had done a good deed even though I wasn't sure what it was exactly. As long as Blu enjoyed my company and found refugee from his past, how could I deny him that? It was the least I could do for a bird that had lost everything and had his life ruined; especially because he was the only other member of the species besides me.
That night I dreamed a beautiful dream where I saw Blu. He was happy and smiling, flying free and high in the sky. I watched him from below in my hollow. Part of me was sad for a reason as I was crying, but another part was happy. The true reason I felt these emotions eluded me, but happiness was definitely more prominent. In the vast blue sky among the clouds Blu soared and in the midst of his journey he found one other blue bird. He met Jewel, and in this dream the two of them soared off into the horizon.
Thanks for reading. Please leave a review, guys. Especially if you enjoyed reading the story up until this point. I truly appreciate it. Thank you.