I disclaim. I own nothing.

Chapter 10

"You know it wouldn't kill you to be nicer to her."

"It might. You don't know."

Passing Tara the joint she held, Gemma couldn't help but smirk at the younger woman. There was a lot of Lenny in Tara, a lot of Lenny, but sometimes she did or said something that reminded Gemma so much of herself it was kind of scary. "I know you gave the girls in Tacoma shit. There was one girl-Gypsy, I think- I swear wet herself whenever your name was mentioned. And how hard you were on Jenn-"

"I liked Jenn," Tara interrupted as she lazily blew smoke over her shoulder.

"Please." Gemma didn't believe that for even a second. Tara had rode that poor girl like Zorro. If she liked her she'd have hated to see what she done if her feelings tilted towards the other way. "Someone replaced you as number one in Kozik's heart and it pissed you off."

"That's ridiculous and not at all true." Tara scoffed. "I was never replaced. The truth is she made Kozik happy, that's all that mattered, so I liked her."

"Didn't Gypsy make Cas happy?"

"Cas is a walking erection, a blow-up doll would make that whore happy."

Seeing an opening, especially with Tara more than a little buzzed, Gemma slanted her a look. "You ever make him happy?"

It took a moment, as it just seemed so absurd that Tara couldn't even process what Gemma was asking, but when it finally clicked she near doubled over with laughter. "Me and Cas? God, no."

It should have made her breathe a sigh of relief. But as Gemma crossed another name off her list of possibilities she wasn't at all relieved. The list of names was getting smaller. And there was one name left on the list, a name she'd been hesitant to even ask Tara about, that worried her. "Jenn made Kozik happy, that's all that mattered. How is that different from Lyla making Opie happy."

"Kozik wasn't married to Donna." And Tara knew, really she did, that she was being a brat about this. Opie's happiness did matter to her. Ellie and Kenny's happiness mattered to her. And as much as it pained her to admit, the few times Lyla's name came up when she talked to Kenny and Ellie, they really seemed to like her. Still, it wasn't easy for her to come to terms with. "I'd do the same for you."

"Be a massive bitch to anyone Clay fools around with after I die? Thanks but, you don't have to worry about that, sweetie, I plan on living forever."

She probably would, too, Tara thought as she absently twisted the joint in her fingers. She could remember nights like this with Jax, Opie, and Donna. Hanging around the lot, passing a joint, and looking for something to get into. It was a lifetime ago-before patches and college acceptance letters and kids. She'd give anything to go back, to have Donna again. There was so much she'd do differently, a surprisingly many things she wouldn't.

As much as it hurt, she wouldn't deviate from that rough jagged path she and Jax took to get to where they were now. Not when that path lead to Nikolai and Abel. When she was feeling particularly sentimental (or buzzed as she was now) she could admit that she and Jax had to create the mess they did of their relationship so they could get those two precious boys.

"Donna's gone, baby." Gemma spoke softly, knowing this was a touchy subject with Tara. "It's not Lyla's fault."

"No," Tara thought, not quite high enough to keep her mind from drifting to dark places. But Tig got worked over and Opie's knuckles were a mess. Up until a day ago Jax and Clay had been going at each other like rabid dogs. And Jax's words-I'm not the one murdering women-the look that crossed Clay's face. She couldn't shake the feeling it caused in her gut. "Not Lyla's fault."

Something in Tara's tone put Gemma on guard. "Tara?"

It was too much to think about. And Tara wasn't sure she could handle what she'd find if she followed her thoughts through to conclusion. Now was not the time to fall apart. Jax needed her, Gemma needed her. "I just miss her, Gemma. Lyla's no Donna. She couldn't be even if she tried."

"No, but she's just trying to make it through, baby. Just like the rest of us. She needs a friend."

Tara thought maybe that was true and there was some part of her that understood it. There were times when she allowed herself to imagine just how different her life would be if she didn't have her dad, Gemma, Kozik, Happy, the club. Jax. She had a home and a family. Something it didn't take a genius to see Lyla was missing terribly.

She was always grateful to have a group of people who loved and supported her, who she could go to for help with her child. Or the money Alexei left, the money her father put away that allowed her to go to medical school. She'd been lucky. She knew there were people who would look at her life and not think it, but Tara knew she'd been lucky.

She liked to think, that even if things had been different, she wouldn't have ended up where Lyla was. Everyone agreed she had her father's brain but Tara liked to think that under a different set of circumstances she'd have still been able to carve a place out for herself in the world that didn't involve selling her body.

Maybe it was easy to understand where Lyla was coming from and just how she ended up where she was. But Tara didn't think that meant she had to like Lyla. It was a stance she was prepared to stand firm in until she caught the look Gemma was giving her. "I'm not a child Gemma. You can't make me be friends with someone."

Gemma made a restless movement with her shoulders. "Did I say anything?"

No, Tara thought as she did her best to ignore the way Gemma continued to look at her, it wasn't necessary to say anything. She knew that look, the I know you'll do the right thing look. She always felt that it was a look she received a lot more often than Jax and Opie. Always felt that it was unfair for Gemma to hold her to a different standard than the boys. But she never said anything. Always buckled under that look. This time was no different.

"Damn it, Gemma. Fine. I'll make nice with Opie's porn princess."

"See? The two of you are royalty, you already have something in common."

Gemma held out the nearly finished joint, but Tara rolled her eyes. She'd play nice but she wasn't about share a joint with the other woman. At least not the same joint. Tara may not have seen any of Lyla's movies but she could still imagine the places the woman's mouth had been. Moving quickly, Tara snatched the crumbled cigarette packet out of Gemma's back pocket, knowing her well enough to know that's where she kept her joints.

"Hey,"

"You wanted me to play nice." Tara smiled as she danced out of the way of Gemma's reaching arm.

"Nice being the key word." Gemma called out. "I know it won't be easy for you."

Shooting Gemma a look over her shoulder, Tara chose not to actually say anything. There really wasn't a point. Some part of her was still a child doing what her mother instructed her.

"You know, Luanne use to talk about you all the time." Lyla began cautiously, eyes narrowed as she watched Tara through a haze of smoke. "She was so proud of you. She was always going on about you. Our kid this or our kid that, I actually thought you were hers."

"It's the club," Tara mumbled, the buzz she was feeling dimming considerably at the thought of Luanne and what happened to her. "The family. I had like ten fathers growing up." But she'd only had two mothers. The one she lost before she ever really knew her and Gemma. Luanne hadn't been like a mother, Gemma didn't share, but she'd been important all the same. She was probably the warmest person Tara had ever known. And sweet in a way that burned out of a lot of women in the life.

"Ten dads don't sound so bad. Kind of wish I had one."

She'd said it lightly, but Tara saw something spark in the other's woman's eyes. She craved family, probably more now than ever before with Luanne being gone. "You had Luanne. When I was in Chicago, like the first three months, everyone was kind of pissed at me." Gemma had been supportive but didn't like her being so far away. Someone (Kozik) had let slip to (told) her father that she'd been accepted to UW School of Medicine. Lenny was not happy that she chose a school so far away instead. "Piney called but that was mainly to yell at me. Clay called once or twice. But Luanne called me once a week. Same time, same day, without fail." And every time she hung up she was sure to let Tara know just how proud she was.

"I've never had anyone in my life like her." Lyla admitted, blurting the words out as if she were afraid Tara would get angry about it. "She cared about me, about my son. She didn't have to, but she did."

Tara could have told her it wouldn't make her angry to know Lyla cared about Luanne. The kind of woman Luanne was, it was entirely too easy for people to manipulate that kindness. Lyla earned points just by not being one of those people. "She really was the best."

Lyla nodded. "She was."

"Boys will probably be out soon girls," Gemma said as she started passed them towards the TM office. "Better get into position."

"On our backs with our legs in the air." Tara quipped, with a smirk near identical to the one Gemma often flashed.

"Clever little smartass." Gemma muttered but continued towards the office.

Tara thought the last time she saw the SAMCRO clubhouse so full was Jax and Wendy's reception. Thinking about that was always a mixed bag. No matter her issues with Wendy or how much they disliked each other, Tara was ashamed of her behavior that day. On the other hand just thinking about the way she and Jax came together had arousal curling almost painfully in her stomach.

More she thought it was an extremely inappropriate time to be getting turned on. And that her thoughts should be focused on Clay and whatever the hell he was saying regarding the safety of everyone. There were a lot of nervous faces, some confused faces. Jax seemed content in a way she hadn't seen in months, Gemma was very much in her element. Things would happen in the next twenty-four hours that could go exactly the way Jax had planned or completely to hell. That's where her thoughts needed to be, on her man on his safety. Not on rather or not she could sneak him back to the apartment for an hour before he needed to leave.

When Juice came up behind her, placing a friendly hand on her shoulder, she nearly jumped clear out of her skin, afraid that everyone could see the dirty turn her mind had taken during a very serious moment. "You alright, Doc?"

The distraction would have been welcome regardless. But the smile Tara gave Juice was completely genuine. She found it really hard not to respond to the open friendly smile Juice was always flashing. "I'm good. You?"

"Same, I guess." Juice reached down to run a hand over Nikolai's head. "Is it me or does he look smaller like this?"

"I've found he weighs a good twelve pounds lighter." With a grin, she gave him a playful jab in the side with her elbow. "Before you head out tonight come see me, I want to check you over."

"Alright. But I promise, I'm a hundred percent."

Tara didn't doubt that, but for her own piece of mind she just wanted to make sure herself.

"Popping these kids out awfully fast aren't you, sweetie."

There were couples, when put on paper made little to no sense. And Tara was sure that to some she and Jax were one of those couples. But Piney and Mary, everything about them made sense. So much so that Tara understood just why they didn't work out. "I only popped out one, Mary." She pointed out as she turned to face Opie's mother.

"Couldn't tell it by me." Mary leaned in to brush her lips over Tara's cheek before taking Abel's carrier. "I swear this one is starting to look like you." Sitting the carrier on the bar, she struggled a bit with the straps before pulling Abel out and settling him in her arms.

"Oh, shit." Juice laughed as he looked from the frown Tara was giving Mary to the near identical one Abel was wearing. "I see it."

Before Tara could point out to both of them that Abel was the mirror image of Jax, her name was shouted from across the clubhouse.

"Tara!"

Glad that Mary had taken Abel, as she was lifted several inches off the ground, Tara flung her arms around the neck of the young man she hadn't seen in nearly a year. "Dooney!"

It wasn't that she was surprised by his height. Anthony "Dooney" Harris had started to sprout at the age of fourteen, at sixteen he was already looking down on her. He didn't pack on muscle like his father, but despite his slight frame the kid was strong, and had loved to show it off by lifting her up. He was a handsome kid, always had been, with a pair of big blue eyes that were a shade or two darker than his father's. He wore his dark brown hair long so that it fell in his face. A face that, at nineteen, was still balanced on that precarious line between boy and man.

What was surprising, and more than a little upsetting, was the brand new kutte he was proudly sporting. She'd helped him fill out his application to the University of Washington, had been there when he got his acceptance letter. Actually she had bought him a top of the line mini-fridge for his dorm room. He wasn't suppose to prospect, he was suppose to give college a try. His life was suppose to be something different. Doozer never made his feelings known regarding his son and the club, though everyone knew he'd want his only son to prospect. Teresa never made much noise on the subject either, but Tara could remember the look of relief on the woman's face when Dooney was accepted into UW. Tara wasn't sure what to make of the fact that, at the end of the day, despite his parents not making their feelings known, Dooney was still a prospect.

It was in his blood. Just as it was in Nikolai and Abel's blood. The truth of which did not sit well with her.

It took longer for Jax to cross the distance of the clubhouse than it should have. But with the number of people packed inside and each one stopping him to talk, getting from one end to the other was not an easy task. By the time he reached Tara, Kozik and Needles had joined her, Juice and the kid prospect that was standing with them. Nikolai was perched on Kozik's shoulders, and from the grin on his face it was clear Nik was enjoying being taller than everyone in the room.

"So…Kozik sponsored you?" Tara's gaze slipped to Kozik, who suddenly found something across the room extremely interesting.

"I know what you're thinking, Tara." The kid begin, giving her a look that instantly melted the glare she'd been sending Kozik. "I tried at U-Dub, I really did. But it wasn't for me. No matter what I did, I didn't fit."

"Hey," Jax slapped the kid on the back before moving in to hug Needles and sharing a one armed hug with Kozik. "Glad you boys could make it."

"Come on, man." Kozik began as he gave Nikolai's foot a tug that had him slipping off his shoulders and into his arms. "You need us, we're here. I bet you don't even recognize the kid."

Jax turned to study the prospect, eyes narrowing a bit. "Oh, shit. Dooney?"

"Hey, Jax."

"Fuck," Jax drew the word out. The kid had been four years old when Tara moved to Charming from Tacoma, it was four years later when Dozer and Teresa finally married. Any sooner and Lenny wouldn't have been sending Tara to Charming with Gemma because Teresa would have been around to help raise her. But since Teresa didn't move to Tacoma until after she and Dozer were married, Tara was sent to Charming so Gemma could bring her up.

It had been years since Jax seen the kid, before Nikolai was born for sure. Truthfully Jax hardly paid much attention to the kid. Well except for when Dozer and Teresa would bring him to town and he'd decide to spend all his time parked under Tara. "When the hell did this happen?"

"Fuck that," Kozik, having spent the last several years watching the kid grow up, waved away Jax's question. "I want to know what had the princess going all Delilah on the kid here."

"Fuck you, Kozik." The words were out of Tara's mouth before she realized it. And from the pleased, slightly manic smirks on Jax and Nikolai's faces, they were not going to let her get away with it. Nikolai would repeat what she said and Jax would take great pleasure in the fact that he picked up a bad word from her. "Gemma took him to Floyd's because he got paint in it."

"The kid seems to still be functioning at full badass." Needles observed quietly. "So it's not entirely like Samson and Delilah."

"Can we move on from his hair," Tara did her best to keep the whine out of her voice. "We just got him over it."

"How long did it take you two to get over it?" Kozik wondered.

"We're still working on it." Jax admitted.

"Alright boys," Clay wandered up to the group, gave everyone a nod. "We need to ride out."

"Clay," Jax nodded towards the kid. "It's Dooney."

The serious expression that Clay had been wearing flashed from confusion to surprise to recognition. "Goddamn. How's it going, kid?"

"Good."

"Staring to look more and more like your old man." Clay gave the kutte a tug. "Time for you to get some dirt of this thing."

From the corner of his eye, Jax caught the way Tara winced. Slipping an arm around her waist he pulled her away from the group. He knew where her mind was, that she was concerned for the young boy eager to make his mark in the club. He wouldn't tell her things would be cool. He knew where Dooney's head was, what he'd been thinking, what it meant to have that legacy over his head. Tara wouldn't be able to keep Dooney from getting into shit, Jax wouldn't lie and tell her that she could. But on one point he could ease her mind. "Hey, he's not going tonight. We'll leave him here to protect the clubhouse."

It may have been the plan to begin with. Tara knew once Dooney became a prospect, Teresa had no say in the duties he'd be given. But she was almost sure the boy's mother would have pitched a fit if he was going with the rest of the guys tonight and Dozer would have been aware of that. More she didn't see Jax taken a green prospect out with them tonight. Still, Tara gave Jax a grateful smile as if Dooney being left at the clubhouse was all for her. "Thank you."

"I've got some things to take care of. See you in a bit, alright." Pulling her close, Jax brushed his lips over her jaw.

At the first touch of his lips on her, Tara clutched his kutte unable to suppress the shudder that rippled through her. She'd thought she'd gotten her hormones under control, she'd been wrong.

"You alright?" Feeling the way she shuddered Jax pulled back to study her face but his concern quickly vanished. He knew the look in her eye and it had nothing to do with fear or nerves. "Fuck, Tara." Seeing her turned on had his body responding immediately. "Now?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." Tara spoke the words softly into his chest.

There was a grin on Jax's lips as he brushed them over her brow. "Maybe this whole thing is bringing back memories." He realized too late he shouldn't have said that as his mind quickly jumped to the night of his and Wendy's reception. "Fuck. We're going to take care of this. Before tonight, I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Teller."

"Jax!" Clay called. "Time to ride."

"Alright," Jax gave Clay a nod before turning his attention back to Tara. "Don't worry, babe, that's a promise I fully intend to keep."

It was a quiet moment, one he needed and was glad Tara understood. Though he shouldn't have been surprised, she was good at understanding what he needed without him having to tell her. The odd juxtaposition wasn't lost on him-feeding his son and putting him down for the night before he went out to beat the shit out of the men who raped his mother. Holding his son put things into perspective for him. Looking down on Abel's face, a face that looked more and more like his own with each passing day, reminded him of just how important tonight was. He couldn't fuck this up, couldn't deviate from his path. He had a son to get back to. Abel needed him. Tara and Nikolai needed him. He'd do what needed to be done tonight so he could go to bed tomorrow night knowing they would all be safe.

"Jax," Opie's voice came through the door along with a soft knock. "Time to go brother."

Jax didn't respond, simply pulled Abel tighter to his chest for moment. Inhaling deeply he took in Abel's scent. He smelled of milk and baby powder and Tara. He loved that, loved the lingering scent of Tara that clung to both boys. "I love you." The words were whispered softly as he brushed his lips over Abel's cheek.

Carrying the peacefully sleeping baby over to the portable bassinet, Jax slowly laid him down. Still it took him a moment to walk away, had to brush a finger down Abel's nose, and couldn't help but smile at the way Abel frowned in his sleep. If he didn't know better he'd have said Abel looked exactly like Tara in that moment.

The lot was full when he stepped outside. Sons were with their Old Ladies, others were grouped together, he could feel the energy pouring off of each one of them. Tara and Nikolai were standing with Kozik. The smile on her face was strained at the edges as she watched Nikolai and Kozik play together. Kozik had his hands up, encouraging Nikolai to slam his tiny fists into his palm. The little boy was a ball of energy, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he circled Kozik like a prize fighter.

"Hey," Gemma slid her arms around her son's shoulders, hugging him tight before pulling back to press her lips to his cheek. "Remember you have a family to come back to."

Jax nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

When she pulled back she followed his gaze to where Nikolai and Tara were standing. There was a moments hesitation but she quickly brushed off the reactions she knew she'd get from Jax and Tara. If they had a problem, they wouldn't address it tonight. So it was as good a time as any to say something. "Hey, Nik, give your daddy a hug and kiss before he leaves."

Anger flashed briefly across Jax's features, the objection on the tip of his tongue when he thought his mother was referring to Kozik as Nikolai's daddy. But Nikolai was moving away from Kozik and running full speed at Jax. Anger quickly gave way to shock. Looking to Tara he could see the feeling reflected in her features as well. Her mouth dropped open like she was about to say something. Despite not wanting to correct Gemma, Jax wondered if he should say something. But there was nothing he could think to say, could only hold his arms out so Nikolai could launched himself into them.

As the boy's tiny arms locked around his neck, Jax would have sworn he felt something inside shift and click into place. His gaze flicked briefly to Tara, she was smiling at them. It was clear whatever she was going to say had been tossed away. Jax had no doubt she'd say something to Gemma later. But what mattered was that she didn't say anything now. This was right, Jax thought. Nik was his, just as he always should have been.

"Can I go with you?"

Jax's arms tightened momentarily. The urge to run Nikolai back to the apartment and lock him inside with Abel coursing through him. It was an innocent question, one Nikolai always asked when Jax left the house. But they hit him a bit differently this time. He wanted Nikolai and Abel to stay this young, this innocent forever. "Not this time, buddy. Next time okay." Nikolai nodded. Jax ran a hand over the top of the boy's head, eyes running over his face-Tara's face. He wondered if anyone ever looked at Nikolai and saw him the way he thought he saw Tara in Abel's face. Wondered if it was his mind playing tricks on him when he thought there was just a bit of himself in the curve of Nikolai's smile. "You take care of your mom and Abel until I get back, okay."

Again Nikolai nodded, his hand coming up to scratch at the scruff of hairs on Jax's cheeks. "Okay."

"I love you, Nik."

At this Nikolai beamed, both hands coming up to play in Jax's beard. "I love you."

The words were sure and clear and meant everything to him. Giving the boy one last hug, Jax kissed his cheek before setting Nikolai back on his feet. Brushing his hand over the top of Nikolai's head one last time, Jax gave his mother a smile before making his way to Tara.

When he reached her, he slipped his arms around her waist to pull her into his arms. The hold he had on her was tight, so much so it lifted her onto the tips of her toes. Burying his nose in her neck, it took him no time at all to find the place on the curve of her neck where her body wash remained strongest. But more he could smell the boys and himself. He fucking loved that.

Tara had to bite her tongue to keep from saying anything. Knowing that the things she wanted to say-don't go, find another way, whatever you do, come back to me-were not the things he needed to hear. So she said nothing, simply locked her arms tight around his neck. Closing her eyes she saw him as he'd been with Abel-eyes content, lips curled in a lazy smile as he gave the baby his bottle. Saw him as he'd been with Nikolai-the wonder and conviction on his face. He had to come back to her. If what she suspected was true, the test she bought after her run in with Margaret hidden in her medical bag just waiting to confirm her suspicions, then he had to come back to her. To them.

Seconds, Jax thought as he saw all the guys start to head for their bikes. He only had seconds more to hold her. Panic started to brush at the edges of his nerves, but as if she knew Tara's fingers brushed over the back of his neck, instantly soothing him. Panic had no place in him, not tonight. Panic would get him killed. Panic would take him away from his family. And that was something Jax just couldn't allow to happen.