Chapter 10: Still
Placid, adjective
"Sometimes I love it when we just lie on our backs, gaze off, stay still"
David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary, p. 160
If Hanoi was rainy and humid, no one ever told Clarke and Lexa that Siem Reap was scorching hot at this time. Well, it was to be expected of Southeast Asian regions at most times of the year, the weather would be sunny and then half of the year it would be rainy with some typhoons passing by. But since Lexa and Clarke arrived at Siem Reap, it was brilliantly sunny in the morning and extremely blistering at noon and sometimes it would rain in the afternoon. In this case, Lexa often found Clarke pondering hard on what to wear. The duo got a room in a small cozy hotel, the place looked new, it was modern but nonetheless smaller compared to the other guesthouses and boutique hotels in the area. Lexa simply upgraded her single room to a twin bed room to accommodate Clarke. The hotel was located a few blocks away from Pub street were most of the tourists would flock, Lexa found this new tiny hotel in a more secluded street; it was close to a local folk theater where Apsara dance performances were scheduled almost nightly. The hotel and the theater were the most prominent structures in the area, the rest of the street were for residential use.
Lexa convinced Clarke to rent a bike even if Clarke told her that she was not at her fittest shape. Clarke worried about getting tired easily especially if they needed to bike over rough roads as they went around to see the temples and other sites but Lexa proved that it was the most efficient way to go around aside from hiring a tuktuk like the one that they rode from the airport. The tuktuk was an auto rickshaw used by most tourists to go around the site but since they were in no hurry, biking would just give them the right pace. Clarke was pleased that biking with Lexa was not so challenging as she thought, Lexa would take a breather when Clarke moved too slow or she would ask Clarke to take the lead just so they would end up with the same pace. Clarke felt that Lexa was indeed a sensitive person, she need not say anything but Lexa would simply ask if she was 'okay', move in slower strides as they went around or would further explain things if Clarke was too confused in interpreting the figures on the temple walls.
The sun was high up and Clarke and Lexa found themselves mulling over the structure that was known as "The Bayon" in the Angkor Thom capital. It was their third day at Siem Reap and second day around the Angkor Wat complex. At first, Clarke was captivated with the massiveness of the entryways and other minor temples. After a day, she was used to the humidity, the dust and the hustle and bustle of hundreds of tour groups around them. During their first day, they went straight to the Angkor Wat. With a few books about the art and architecture of Cambodia, Lexa attempted to expound some concepts to Clarke based on her readings. But Clarke had a different idea in mind. Upon observing that there was typically more or less a dozen of tour groups in one area at a time, Clarke managed to drag Lexa to move closer to the tour groups and pretend to blend in as they listened to the anecdotes being shared by the guides. They continued to do this as they went around, discreetly moving close to tour groups once they hear that the guide was discussing in English. Their first day moved rather fast, bouncing around the highly visited areas of the complex. However, for their second day, they decided to move at their own pace, realizing that they had enough time and need not hurry. Clarke was deeply interested in the mysticism that each ruin held, so she has decided to do some sketching while Lexa conspicuously went around snapping photographs of every gateway, tower, bas-relief or piece of stone.
Seated on a shaded area at the foot of The Bayon, Clarke busied herself with her sketchbook. The Bayon in Angkor Thom was considered to be one of the most baffling sites in the area. Though it has gone several reconstructions in the 12th to the 13th centuries, Angkor Thom was well-thought-out to be the "great city" during the rise of Buddhism in the time of the king, Jayavarman VII. Clarke furiously moved her pencil on her sketchbook focusing on one of the towers of the edifice. The towers of the building were pretty unique because on all its sides you will find a head or a face sculpted facing all the cardinal directions. Clarke wanted to capture the effect of the morning light on these towers, so she tried to sketch as fast as she could. But suddenly, to her dismay, her drawing was covered by an unsuspecting shadow. Clarke raised her gaze to confront this nuisance but then she was met by the most charming smile and cheerful eyes that she has seen in years. As she recognized her intruder, she has decided to take a break from her illustrating and diverted her attention for the meantime.
"Oh no, don't stop, not on my account. I just wanted to see how you were" Lexa stated as she sat on another mound of rubble beside Clarke's.
With a small camera hanging from her neck, her trekking pants already dusty and a few sweat droplets falling from her forehead to her eyebrows; Lexa managed to still look admirable. She tied her long scarf around her head like a doek of the South Africans whereas Clarke wore hers like a veil to shield the sides of her face from the sun. Clarke had fairer complexion than Lexa, so Lexa enjoyed tanning herself sporting a bandana or a head scarf while Clarke wore scarves like veils to protect her cheeks and neck from sunburn as they biked around.
"It's mesmerizing, isn't it?" Lexa remarked as she moved to browse images from the digital screen of her camera.
"Yeah, the guide that passed by said that its color can change during the different times of the day. It can appear a bit bluish in the morning, a bit yellowish in the warm light of the afternoon and even orangey as the sun sets" Clarke shared without lifting her gaze.
"Some researchers say that the Bayon embodies egotism at its best" Lexa commented.
"Oh, do share what you know?" Clarke looked up catching Lexa's stare, signaling her that she is ready to listen to one of Lexa's short lectures now.
"Well, most scholars deem this as the most enigmatic of all. But politically speaking, this reminds me so much of Mount Rushmore or the statues of gods and pharaohs in ancient Egypt. At present, people actually debate of the identity of the face on these towers. Some of them thought that since this was believed to be a Buddhist structure, this was the face of Buddha or of a bodhisattva, a person following the path of Buddha. But others hypothesized that this could be Brahma himself or probably, the divine guardians of the four cardinal directions. But the most interesting theory so far, is that this is the king, Jayavarman himself, who has represented himself as a bodhisattva…" Lexa explained but Clarke beat her to her conclusion.
"…because the ruler and the divine were often perceived as one" Clarke finished for Lexa.
Lexa was a bit dumbfounded, too thrilled about that fact that she has finally found someone who could finish one of her more complex statements. Being with Clarke felt easy, talking to Clarke all the more. Most of Lexa's acquaintances and even those she dated often got bored with her ramblings. Only her closest friends who also work in the same field could accommodate her thoughts in a normal conversation. She did not initially expect this from Clarke but as they further went into their travel, she enjoyed these stimulating and sometimes existential discussions with the blonde.
"So, are you enjoying so far?" Lexa moved a bit closer to pry on Clarke's current activity.
"Just trying to finish this sketch" Clarke replied, guarding her work away from Lexa's eyes.
"Can I see?" Lexa extended her free hand to Clarke while her right hand clutched her camera.
"As I've said, it's not finished, nothing to see yet" Clarke contended.
"Just a peak?" Lexa insisted with a pout, a pout that Clarke realized she could not easily resist.
"Alright then, but no judgment, it's just a sketch" Clarke handed her sketchbook to Lexa in hesitation.
"No judgment here, I could not even draw a straight line even if I tried" Lexa chuckled as she browsed through Clarke's work.
Clarke sat there nervously, tapping her pencil on top of her knee. Lexa continued to browse backwards, starting from the page Clarke was working on until she reached the first page.
"Wow, this is great work Clarke, do you plan to make something out of these materials?" Lexa handed the sketchbook back to Clarke, quite charmed with the body of work that she has seen.
"For now, these are just personal drawings, a few of them were of spots that I frequented in Arkadia and then I did some when we were in Hanoi" Clarke expounded and then she readied to continue her work once more.
"I'm thinking that we could probably brainstorm on a project in the future, with my writing and your work, we can probably come up with a travel guide in a sketchbook format. In place of pictures, we'll use your drawings instead, I suppose your work would add a more human touch to my musings" Lexa contemplated beside Clarke.
"Yeah, we would probably make a good team" Clarke thought and at Lexa's light laughter, she realized that she has said that one out loud "Oh sorry to say that out loud".
"No worries, but I'm serious, we should consider that" Lexa pondered.
With that they sat in relative silence until Clarke was able to finish her work.
"Are you afraid of heights?" Lexa asked as they stood in front of towering temple.
"A little bit, I got stuck in an elevator once, I had a panic attack" Clarke gulped as she looked up to the monumental structure.
"I suppose claustrophobia is not the same as acrophobia" Lexa joked and to Clarke's surprise, she grabbed Clarke's hand and pulled her towards an extremely high staircase. The original stone steps of the temple were almost flat, so the restorers built a wooden staircase with metal reinforcements and handrails on one side of the original staircase. As Clarke looked up, she could not fathom how people reached the top of the structure without falling. Firstly, there was no sign of a previous railing so maybe people just fell to their death if someone pushed them or when they got off balance.
"I don't think I can do this Lexa, I'll just wait for you from the other side" Clarke wavered, trying to extract her hand from Lexa's grip.
"Oh c'mon Clarke, for the short time that we have known each other, I've always seen you as a daredevil. You took the chance in travelling with a stranger, didn't you, let this be another item off your bucket list" Lexa prodded.
"I don't even have a bucket list. How tall is this again?" Clarke looked up the height of the structure once again.
"Hmm, maybe give or take 50 meters at the top?" Lexa mused. "But that staircase is just probably over less than 50 steps or so, we're like on the second or third storey already, the view will be worth it".
"So no harness whatsoever?" Clarke inquired. They were at the foot of the staircase queuing up with the other tourists.
"Don't worry, there are railings on both sides, you won't fall off. C'mon, well go slow and just hold my hand" Lexa motioned.
The climb up was not as terrifying as Clarke imagined it to be. As they went up, Lexa placed her left hand behind her back for Clarke to grip on to. Clarke's palm was getting clammy but she couldn't care less because she was about 50 meters off the ground.
"Almost there, c'mon Clarke, just don't look down for now, okay?" Lexa continued their ascent as they were close to the top.
As they reached the highest point of the temple, Lexa still held Clarke's hand. They moved toward a throng of tourists. The upper deck was spacious enough and the edges of the structure were cordoned off and guarded by attendants to insure the safety of the tourists. Lexa motioned Clarke to move a bit closer towards the edge to get a full view of the vastness of the panorama. Sensing Clarke's fear and reluctance as they were close to the edge, Lexa moved behind Clarke and held her by the shoulder, Clarke relaxed into Lexa. Clarke was calmer now, she felt safe actually.
"Look, you can see the entire city from here. Baphuon is considered to be the highest point of Angkor Thom" Lexa whispered into Clarke's ear pointing towards the immensity of the ancient city.
"It's beautiful, thank you for convincing me" Clarke was now enamored with the view, she could see the wide entryway, the man-made pools flanking the pathway, and the boundaries of the temple protecting it from the interminable forest around it.
"Clarke, look here" As Clarke turned, she realized that Lexa left her to stand on her own while she moved a few steps back to take a photograph of Clarke.
"Beautiful" Lexa was focused on the digital screen of her camera once more.
"Beautiful" Clarke pretended that she was looking at the landscape once again. But she knew what she meant, Lexa was smiling tenderly and Clarke's gaze was diverted to her for a few seconds.
"Now stand close to me as I take a few more pictures" Lexa beckoned.
It was around noon and Clarke and Lexa were seated in another shaded area near the Baphuon. They were peacefully viewing another temple called Phimeanakas or probably, what was considered as a chapel during the 11th century. Clarke was calmly sketching the edifice beside Lexa. Lexa paused as she was taking a drink from her water jug to observe some elephants passing by. The complex may also be viewed through a guided elephant ride but they often took paths along the forests. As the elephants passed, Lexa went back to the book she was reading. Currently, this small temple was under restoration, the stone steps were already disappearing almost morphing into a plain ramp. Since there were less people in this area, Clarke thought of stopping by to sketch the smaller structure but similar looking with the taller one that they climbed earlier.
"So, this book says that there's a myth behind this temple" Lexa said without looking up from her reading material.
"Okay, do tell" Clarke requested as she proceeded with her own activity.
"So according to this book, a Chinese scholar who visited Cambodia around the 13th century heard of this myth about a creature in this temple right here. The story goes that a lord of the earth in the form of a naga or a nine-headed snake would wait for the king at the summit of the temple each night. Then, this mythical creature morphs into a woman for the king and he must, I quote 'couple with her' before he returns to his wives and concubines. If the snake princess is appeased, no misfortune will fall to the kingdom but once the snake princess fails to appear, this marks the death of the king" Lexa narrated.
"Wow, talk about polyamory and bestiality at some point. I don't really understand how one person can have so many lovers in the previous centuries" Clarke laughed and another thought came into her mind. "Hmm, but have you ever tried it?"
"What? Polyamory or bestiality? Not really into snakes, not into dogs either, but then again cats or maybe pussies to be specific is something I might explore" Lexa kidded, knowing that by being out to Clarke means that her joke needed no further explanation.
"Hah, very funny! No, I meant, falling in love with two people" Clarke paused from her work, quiet eager to learn Lexa's reaction.
"You're barking at the wrong tree, Clarke. Remember, I just got cheated on? I could not imagine doing it to someone else" Lexa emphasized.
"No, sorry, what I mean is that, when I was young, I thought we were simply meant to meet our one great love and that's just it" Clarke explained.
"You've probably watched a lot of Disney haven't you?" Lexa teased.
"Well, I did fell for someone once. I was in love, so young, so in love, actually, I still am" Clarke recollected. She remembered how she laughed at Murphy's witty comments, his antics, how she admired his beliefs and values and how she felt safe around him, wherever they were. And a lot of those feelings recurred now but not with John's memory anymore, this felt more real now.
"So, you were in love with this guy before and you're still in love with him now? That's not polyamory, Clarke, especially if it's still with Bellamy" Lexa kept on teasing, on a serious note, she felt a bit self-conscious now, knowing that Clarke is talking about more personal things.
"No, it's not Bellamy, I'm not even sure with what I have with Bell. I call him my boyfriend but I'm sure that I'm not in love with the guy, especially with how he is acting now. But don't get me wrong, I was in love once, with John, we attended school together, he was an artist too" Clarke shared.
"Uhm, so, what happened?" Lexa didn't know if she was relieved. Clarke confessed to not being too serious with Bellamy but perhaps she should worry more about this John, especially if at this point she was already fond of Clarke more than she should allow herself to be. Afterall, Clarke is currently involved with someone, even if she claims that she's not that serious.
"He was involved in some car accident, he didn't survive it" Murphy's note to Clarke somehow confirmed that he took his own life, but without any established reason, Clarke is still in denial that he was capable of that.
"And you're still in love with him?" Lexa asked, trying to piece Clarke's puzzle together.
"At some point, I think I still am, maybe with his memory. So, I think falling for someone else might betray his memory, do you get it?" Clarke continued to speak in perplexity.
"That's not polyamory Clarke, that's necromancy" and with that Clarke and Lexa burst into laughter. Lexa tried to keep the mood light with her joke, since any reaction from her will totally be visible to Clarke at high noon.
"No, seriously, would I be betraying his memory?" Clarke asked once again, looking deeper into Lexa to emphasize her question.
"Well, in this lifetime, we meet people. We fall in love; we fall out of love. I believe we only have room for one at a certain time. But in your case, losing that person doesn't mean you'll drive his memory out, somehow, he has greatly contributed to who you have become now. But maybe, just maybe, if you do fall in love again, you can make space for another" Lexa directed this answer to Clarke without much hope or reason for what she has currently been feeling for Clarke. But with all honesty and realization that at some point, every person deserves to fall in love again, given the right circumstances.
Clarke agreed with a nod and went back to her sketching.
At this note, they both fell into utter silence into their own solitude in each other's company.