The Devil's Love Song

Chapter Nine: Truth

--

So this was what it was like to die. Or perhaps he would have preferred death to this.

At the end of the abyss was simply darkness - the darkness that lived within his soul. The darkness that thrived upon his pain, his guilt, and all of his fears. The darkness that only grew with each passing moment. This was loneliness; that starvation, that hunger for love and affection that Lloyd was so desperate to keep at bay.

He couldn't move. Why would he try? There was no way to keep the ones he loved with him. He was too weak. He had tried to save them; he tried to deserve their love. But now, he knew, it was all for naught. His friends, his family... his mother... Colette... they were all better off without him. Now he could only wait - wait for death to come and punish him for his weakness.

Suddenly, the sound of clanging metal pierced through the darkness. Lloyd looked up to see two swords - his swords - laying before him. What did it mean? What were they trying to tell him? He stood and picked them up, gazing at his reflection within the blades.

Perhaps this was the answer. Stronger. He had to become stronger, stronger than the little boy who couldn't save his mother - stronger than the clueless child who kept failing the girl he loved most. Somehow, some way, he needed more power; then he could finally defeat his loneliness for good. Then he could finally deserve to live.

Summoning all of his strength, he began to cut through the darkness. He didn't know what he was searching for, but he wouldn't stop until he found something - anything - that could save him. Something to make him stronger; someone to show him the way; someone who would heal him, care for him... someone who would love him...

...But there was nothing. No matter how hard he tore into the darkness, Lloyd was completely and utterly alone. He fell to his knees.

"Help me..." he whispered, trying his hardest to keep the tears from flowing, "Mom... Dad... Colette... anyone... please..."

As the world around him exploded into a brilliant white light, he thought he heard someone whispering back to him.

Must you always fight to be loved?

--

Lloyd awoke with a start.

"W-what..." he said as he frantically looked around. The darkness was gone, replaced by... his room? At his father's house in Iselia? At least, it looked like his room - something was slightly different about it.

He rolled over in his bed. There was another pillow. Someone else was sleeping here. Then he turned the other way to see a nightstand with a vase of bright purple flowers on top. But there was something else that caught Lloyd's attention - a series of framed pictures; pictures he had never even seen before. He sat up, taking the first of the pictures in his hand.

A wedding. A bride and groom, standing near an outdoor altar, smiling down at each other... that was when he noticed their faces - this was his and Colette's wedding. But how? He never remembered any of this...!

He looked at the other pictures. Him and Colette at Altamira. Him and his father remodeling their house. Him, Regal, Genis, and Zelos at a dinner party. He had no recollection of any of these events, but one thing about these pictures caught Lloyd's attention. In every single one... he was happy. His friends and family were happy. Even Colette was happy - and they were all with him. Why would he deserve something like that? What did he ever do to make them so...

"Good morning, Honey!"

Lloyd sat the picture down and turned towards the door. There stood the unmistakable figure of Colette, the morning sun lighting up her face through the window. She smiled at him.

"Colette," the boy asked, "what's - I don't..."

Colette giggled. "Breakfast is almost ready," she said. "Come downstairs before it gets cold!"

As she shut the door, Lloyd could only stare. None of this made any sense! He could never deserve her like this... not after all he'd done...

He then noticed a hanger on the doorknob. On it was a set of familiar clothes - the clothes his father had made for him. Somehow, he felt, someone wanted him to get dressed; someone was trying to tell him that he needed to face... whatever kind of reality this was. So he sat up and climbed out of bed, taking the clothes from the hanger and putting them on. When he finished, he opened the door and went down the stairs.

"Surprise!!"

At the bottom of the staircase, Lloyd was greeted by a crowd of familiar faces; his friends. His family. Genis and Raine, Zelos and Sheena, Regal and Presea, Colette, Dirk, and even Kratos, who was supposed to be gone forever on Derris-Kharlan, were all there, huddled around a perfectly baked birthday cake with the words "Happy birthday Lloyd" written on it. He looked at his companions. He looked at the cake. His eyes widened in disbelief.

"W-what the... this isn't right! It's not even my -"

"Don't be stupid, Lloyd!" said Sheena with a smile. "It's your twenty-second birthday. You didn't forget again, did you?"

He knew this was wrong. He was only eighteen! And these people, the people he had let down so many times - why were they here? This had to be a dream. It had to be.

Genis broke Lloyd out of his trance by grabbing his arm and dragging him to the table. "Don't just stand there! Are you going to eat your cake or not?"

A wave of terror hit the swordsman as he sat down. This couldn't be real. This had to be a hallucination - a hallucination, just like the voices and the other him and the vision of Mithos in the mirror. He didn't deserve this. It had to be a lie.

"...Lloyd?" asked Zelos, placing a hand on his friend's shaky shoulder, "Hey, man, what's wrong?"

"Go away!!"

The others jumped as Lloyd pushed his friend away.

"Stop it... go away..." he buried his face in his hands. "You're not real. You couldn't be..." he let out a muffled sob before continuing. "Not after... not after everything I've done...!"

"What are you talking about?" Genis stepped towards him. "You're my best friend! No matter what you've done - even if the whole world hated you... I'd still be there for you, like you were for me."

Lloyd glared at the boy. "I couldn't be there for anyone. Don't you get it!? You keep calling me a hero when all I've ever done is let people down!"

"Lloyd," said Raine calmly as she stood beside her brother, "You never let anyone down. You took your hopes and dreams about the future and turned them into reality." She smiled. "That's why people call you a hero."

"Why!?" Lloyd's hands balled into fists. "I wanted a world where everyone could live - but I... I killed a man!"

"We all err in our lives," said Regal. "Forgiveness is being able to pardon those errors. Just as you have forgiven us for our mistakes, we, too, would forgive you for yours."

The distraught boy turned to him, tears of frustration gathering in his eyes. "How can you forgive me when I've done nothing but hurt people!?" He knocked a drinking glass off of the table. "What makes you think I deserve that!?"

The glass landed at Presea's feet, who picked it up and looked at Lloyd. "Because... you're important to us," she said as quietly as ever.

"That's right. Don't tell me you forgot about everything you've done for us," said Sheena, placing her hands on her hips. "You believed in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves."

Zelos chimed in. "You were our friend even when we didn't think we deserved any," he grinned, "just like you're doing right now. And if you think we aren't going to do the same for you, you're even more clueless than I thought!"

Lloyd's hands relaxed at the words of his friends. Was this really how they felt? His head hung low, silently trying to make sense of their encouragement. Suddenly, he felt the warmth of two hands on his head and shoulder. He turned around to see his two fathers.

"I've told ya once, and I'll tell ya again," said Dirk, "no matter what happens, this'll always be ya home. And I'll always be ya Dad."

Kratos simply smiled and ruffled his son's hair. "Your Mother would have been proud... just as I am."

"Da -" Lloyd choked on the growing lump in his throat before he could finish the word. After he had made so many mistakes and had failed so many people... to hear his parents' praise was...

That was when Colette wrapped her arms around him, resting her head in the crook of his neck.

"Lloyd," she said quietly, "please, stop lying to yourself." She gently stroked his hair, like a mother calming her crying child. "We all love you. We always will. No matter what."

A tear spilled onto her arm. Then another.

"Be happy... for me... for everyone... for yourself..."

Lloyd tried to speak - however, the words wouldn't come. The overwhelming emotion that was surging in his heart only fueled his tears. He felt the weight of his burdens, all of his guilt, and all of the anger he had held onto for so long disappear. How could he have forgotten such a simple truth - the truth that he was never, ever alone?

He wiped the tears from his eyes and looked up. Genis had already lit the candles on the birthday cake.

"Come on, Lloyd," he said, "it's time to make a wish!"

Lloyd looked back at Colette, who gave him a reassuring nod. Then, with a smile, he blew out the candles.

--

Suddenly, there was light.

A bright, white light. It was all around him. However, he couldn't feel himself in this light - the only thing he was aware of was the gentle embrace of arms he couldn't see.

Mom...?

He was answered not with words, but with a familiar peace. The peace he felt at his Mother's grave.

Mom... was it all my fault? Did you ever blame me?

The embrace became warm - warm with his Mother's love. It was never his fault. She never blamed him. She was always there, watching over him, giving him strength when he needed it the most. Even in death, she was always with him. She had never left him alone. Now, with his Mother's blessing, he could finally let go.

Mom... thank you... I love you...

--

Night had fallen over Zelos' mansion. Most of the others had already fallen asleep. However, Colette was awake, hovering over Lloyd's bedside, just as she had that afternoon. She quietly watched over the boy, never once leaving his side, silently praying and begging for any sign of life.

"Lloyd?" she asked weakly, "Can you hear me?" She brushed a stray hair from his eyes. No response. "Don't worry... everything's going to be okay... I'll be right here..." Colette smiled painfully, failing to hide her tears. "Tomorrow morning, when you wake up... I'll make you those pancakes you love so much! You can have as many as you want... I'll even put extra syrup on them... just like..." Her smile began to waver. "Just like..."

She buried her face into his shirt, sobbing. "I'm scared... I'm so scared, Lloyd!" She clung to him tightly. "Please don't leave me... please...!"

Colette suddenly looked up. His face - his face was moving!

"Lloyd!" she cried, taking his head into her hands, "It's me! Colette! Please... answer me..."

The swordsman's face stopped twitching. She looked at him in silence.

Of course... Lloyd was fighting. He was fighting a battle with his own guilt; his own pain. He was trying to be strong... he was trying to be strong for her...

She ran a hand through his hair, softly kissing his forehead. He was staying strong, so she, too, had to be strong and wait. As long as he was still fighting, she would never give up on him.