My dearest apologies for the slow update...I was rather caught up with Christmas, getting drunk, hangovers...I mean, behaving in a gentlemanly manner to all of the civil guests at my lovely, perfectly planned party with a tree bigger than America's. *Sob*... Where was I? Oh, right. Actually, at the party (*sob*) we had some absolutely delicious English trifle...I thought that those of you who were busy enjoying the holidays with your own families should not have to miss out on something like this.
I've also locked all of my extra doors and windows so I won't be disturbed. I've placed four locks on each door and window and I locked every other one, so that no matter how long someone *coughPRUSSIAcough* stands there picking the locks, he or she will be locking two.
Hah. Take that. Ow!...bloody hangovers. Ow...
Step one: English trifles consist of many layers and are usually made in a clear bowl so that all the layers can be seen. Firstly, you will need some ladyfingers (which are actually these cookie things, not real fingers) and some sponge cake. You can buy ladyfingers at your local store.
Meanwhile, I will make some sponge cake. It is like real cake, but with sponge. So, add some sugar, flour, water, eggs...what else? Baking powder is a must, but baking soda is a good substitution. I guess that is all. Beat the entire thing to make some batter, and add bits of sponge, I guess, and you have a sponge cake! Leave the sponge bits big enough so you can still tell that it is sponge. I suggest using a sponge that has already been used for dishwashing and the like because dishwashing soap and leftover oils and such from dirty dishes combined will increase your magical ability.
Afterwards, bake the sponge cake in an oven for twenty to thirty minutes like all cakes and start on your pound cake. It is perfectly fine to use your plastic mixing bowl, because it will not melt in a hot oven.
Step two: Next is the pound cake. One must make a cake that weighs exactly one pound. Actually, it was originally called pound cake because of the ingredient proportions or whatnot, but that is irrelevant. So, sugar, flour, water, eggs, baking soda substitute, a random package of candies for flavor, and weigh it out to be slightly more than a pound, because the cake will lose some of its weight and density as it bakes in the oven. Since I still need this clear, glass mixing bowl for the trifle, I'll just stick it in a baking pan and let it bake with the sponge cake.
There is no need to clean the bowl, since America eats cake batter all the time like the glutton he is and never gets sick.
Step three: Since one does not want to burn the cakes, he or she must take it out early before it becomes a black, sopping mess. Excellent; the cakes have not burnt yet. They are still slightly oily and liquid like in the center, but take no heed of it. Line the bottom of your glass bowl with the ladyfingers and slices of the cakes. Make the layers thick enough so that you can actually see the layers, but thin enough so that there is room for the other layers. Also, distribute the ladyfingers, pound cake, and sponge cake evenly so that your relatives don't argue about which piece has more sponge cake or the like.
Step four: This is the most difficult part of making a trifle. Brush the layer of cakes with strawberry or raspberry preserves. People have DIED doing this, so an expert like I must do it. If you are attempting to make this at home, have a team of specially trained adults nearby so that you don't accidentally die in the kitchen, cold and alone, on the day after Christmas, attempting to make an English trifle. Wait - how did I cut myself? I'm nowhere near the knife drawer...grrrr...
*first aid*
Did you like the hold music? They were Christmas carols...a bit old, true, but nothing beats traditional songs, even if they are so old that they are still on a phonograph and a record and sound like a French donkey with a cold.
Ve...what do French donkeys with colds sound like?
I don't know...very terrible probably...wait, what are YOU doing here?
I'm just visiting...
How did you get IN? I locked all the doors and windows?
The front door was open...
It was? Blast.
What are you doing?
I'm cooking. Would you like to stay for the remainder of the time and be the first guest to sample my dish? Italy? Where'd he go? How does he run that fast? That's inhumanely possible...to break the sound barrier while running. Good thing my windows are not all broken. He's so easily scared, but I wonder what scared his arse away...and how did he even get in so quietly? He's always making unnecessary noise, sleeping, eating, drawing, or singing.
Where was I? Oh, yes. I was brushing fruit preserves over all of the ladyfingers, pound cake slices, and sponge cake slices. One should get a nice, thick layer of preserves on there, either strawberry, raspberry, or both, though any other sweet fruit preserves would do, I guess.
Oh, no...since America was such a glutton and ate all of my jam, jelly, and fruit preserves, I only have some orange marmalade left. I guess that will have to do. Orange marmalade is marmalade that is orange. Of course, it is made from oranges, also, but orange marmalade is mainly called that because it is orange.
Step six: Cut up some strawberries and raspberries, or, if you are in a dire situation where some fat American person stole all of your good food and left nothing but the rotten kidney pie that your uncivilised Scottish older brother sent you as a goodwill gift for Christmas and some random vegetables and packages of gum, use tomatoes. Tomatoes are fruit. They will work. They are also red, like strawberries and raspberries, and will therefore serve as a good substitute because of their similarity in colour.
Step seven: Scroll back up and realise that I left out step five, and feel stupid for not noticing that. If you did notice, good for you. Leave a review bragging that you have done so, which I will ignore because I do not care. If you didn't notice and reviewed saying that you did to cover up your feelings of stupidity, I shall laugh, because I can tell when you are lying, just like those lie detectors and Santa Claus and your parents and those creepy spy-interrogator-agent-government worker-whatever people that really scare me, creep me out, or all of the previously mentioned.
Step eight: Apologies for getting slightly off topic. In any event, now that one has the ladyfingers with pound cake and sponge cake layer, the preserves layer, and the fruit layer, add a layer of sherry, sugar, and cold custard.
Step nine: Repeat all of the stuff above, that has to do with layering. Add another layer of ladyfingers, pound cake, sponge cake, preserves (or orange marmalade), fruit (including tomatoes), sherry, sugar, and the cold custard.
Step ten: Create a final layer of cake pieces and ladyfingers. Brush with preserves and skip all of the fruit and sherry and sugar and simply add some more custard.
Step eleven: Top with whipped cream and some random garnishes like fruits, nuts. If you want to be creative, crush the ladyfingers, and cut up the rest of your pound cake and sponge cake into tiny little pieces (it is perfectly fine if the liquidy insides of the cakes spill out...I've done this a million times and nothing has ever happened). Mix these crumbs together, and sprinkle your homemade sprinkles on top of the whipped cream.
Step twelve: Refrigerate and leave it to set. Serve the trifle cold. Freezing is even better; if you have no room in the refrigerator, just leave the trifle in the freezer like I have. People love rock-hard food these days. Have you seen America's candies? Good god, eating those things are equivalent to chewing on gravel. My cooking is far superior to his.
****From the real author, not England. You don't have to read this, but it's pretty funny sh!t because I'm in a cynical and sarcastic yet whimsical mood, and would do you good.****
Whatever. Blah blah blah. All of the random crud that fanfiction authors leave at the end of their works. Review. Favorite. Give me a story alert. Give me an author alert. Give me a bomb alert. Tell me when Russia is coming to visit.
Actually, I do appreciate reviews because they are fun to read.
Praise? Thank you.
Critique? Thanks, I'll work on that.
Responses to random stuff I threw in the story? Sure, glad you noticed that. Three subjects on the move: Why did Italy run away, did you notice me skip step five*, and what does a French donkey with a cold sound like?**
*England is like my cynical side, which doesn't care, but my nice side actually does care. So, if you will.
**Best comparison, analogy, metaphor, or simile will receive a special prize, being nothing, and recognition in the next chapter.
New recipe? Cool, I'll throw that suggestion in the stash of the three million other suggestions I already have, and the more you pester me with the same recipe, the more likely I'll remember it and attempt to make it.
Suggestion for another cameo? Sure, why not? That's one thing I'm kind of running low on, so if you would...
Troll? Now those really make my day. Sweet.