Hello Everyone :)

I just want you guys to know that I have a hard time writing some scenes in this story. I am pretty sure you can guess which scenes. To tell the truth, I believe that some of the purest and most extreme emotions to run through the human mind come from abuse. The human mind is so fragile. It is so easily broken. When someone goes through abuse whether it is through emotional, verbal, physical, or as this story shows, sexual, it truly does change who you are and the way you think. Sometimes, it can turn you into a better person and sometimes, more often than not, it can turn you into a monster.

Love Always,

Mizz Maddnezz

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Chapter 10

A Brother's Interrogation

The next few days didn't exist for Carly. The weeks that followed were not quite memorable either. Carly did her day to day routine, as always. She conversed with Sam, Spencer, and Freddie but never did she actually speak words that mattered. She went to school, had a smoothie or two but never did any of this actually exist to her anymore. She sat in her classes, her teachers droning though a lesson but she couldn't hear a word anymore. Weeks went by as if they never actually happened. Carly floated through every single day, her feet not even touching the ground. She went through her entire reserve of pills within the first week and quickly bought more. When she sat at her desk at school all she could do was think about how badly she wanted to slip away and smoke a cigarette and inhale another long, sweet line of paradise. Jonah came over at least once a week and stole another part of her soul. He slipped her away from class and brought her to her knees in the janitor's closet. Carly gave up fighting completely. After the moment in her bedroom with the camera, it was over for her. Every part of her being was broken and the only thing that made her feel even kind of human again was the sweet pills waiting at the bottom of her bag to be crushed and the sour taste of a cigarette.

Carly sat in Mrs. Briggs' class, staring down at the textbook rereading the same line over and over again. She was not even sure what the assignment was that she was supposed to be doing. Hell, she had no clue what lessons they were even working on this week. What day was it anyway; Wednesday, Thursday? She had no clue. Hell, it could be Friday for all she knew. She let out a long sigh at the thought of Friday. No dragging herself from her bed just to listen to the lessons she stopped caring about. She wouldn't be forced to pretend to eat the food the school was serving. She didn't have to fake laughter with the people she used to call her best friends. Two days of no one bothering her. The first few weeks were hard. Spencer was constantly trying to get her out of bed trying to bribe her with anything. She knew he was only trying to help her but she didn't want help. She just wanted to lie in her bed and sleep.

When she got home, she was welcomed with one of those moments in life that all of us fear. It was one of those moments when you walk in the room and you instantly know that you are fucked. No, not the "I am going to be grounded" fucked. It was a moment when you know that you had hurt someone in a way you probably could never fix. It was one of those moments that she has regretted for the rest of her life. As soon as she cracked the door open, she could see Spencer sitting on the couch. His arms were crossed and his chest rose heavily with every breath. He eyes were locked on the coffee table in front of him. One of her packs of cigarettes was sitting face up on the wooden surface. She had run out after a few days but luckily, when she met up with Ryan, he was able to buy her some more. Her heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach as she stopped in the doorway, clinging to her bag, the door still open behind her.

"You know what I find really funny?" Spencer muttered, his voice catching in his throat a little. Carly stood and stared at him. She could feel the color from her skin drain as he spoke, "When mom died, you took all of her cigarettes and flushed them down the toilet," Carly was startled by the dry laugh that came from his voice as his words cracked even more, "You were such an angry little kid. You grabbed all three packs of cigarettes she had in her room and tore them open and just threw them into the toilet, screaming at them," Spencer stopped and cleared his throat, "You kept repeating over and over, 'You killed my mommy'." He dragged each word apart as if they were stabbing him in his stomach as he spoke

"Spencer, I-" Carly started but was cut off suddenly as Spencer stood and looked down at her, his entire face empty of anger. Her throat clenched up as she saw the pain radiating from his teary eyes.

"You made me promise you I would never touch a cigarette in my life," Spencer muttered, "When dad told you that mom was killed from lung cancer because of the cigarettes, you made me promise that I would never in my life smoke a cigarette."

Carly searched her entire mind, sifting through thoughts, trying to find an excuse to give her brother. She begged herself to come up with a reason for having the cigarettes but she came up blank. Her heart dropped even lower. She was pretty sure it had to be on the floor right about then.

"I kept that promise," Spencer whispered, "A college student that went to parties, had a lot of friends that smoked. I never touched a cigarette once because I had made my baby sister a promise."

"They aren't mine," Carly finally muttered, her voice catching in her throat.

"That's total bull shit," Spencer growled, startling Carly with the use of a curse word which was not common for Spencer, "There is an ash tray in the studio. Unless the person that you are holding them for is coming over here to smoke them, you just lied to me."

"Spencer, I didn't mean to," Carly said, her breath quickening in her chest.

"Also, why the hell don't you tell me what this is as well?" Spencer said pulling the piece of paper she used to crush her pills from in his pocket, along with the short straw she had cut for obvious uses. She looked down at the white residue that caked the edge of the straw. Carly's eyes widened as she stared down at his open hand. He balled them up in his fist and stared down at her, "Have you been doing drugs, Carly?"

"No, no," Carly muttered, her hands shaking in front of her, "It's just pills, I swear!"

"Just pills," Spencer yelped, holding the paper out to her once again, "Do you know what pills can do to you? They can kill you. Unless they are prescribed by a doctor and taken in the exact way the god damned doctor told you to, they have the potential to tear you apart from the inside. Do you know how many kids die because of pill overdose?" Spencer's voice suddenly caught in his throat as his eyes welled up. His breath quickened as he started to cry, "Why have you been doing this to yourself?"

Carly felt a dagger dig into her back, ripping through her ribcage and piercing her heart as the tears started to fall from Spencer's eyes. Her voice started to crack as she tried to speak.

"I just-" She started, her heavy breathing making it hard for her to speak, "I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what?" Spencer begged, dropping the paper and straw onto the carpet, "What is wrong! For almost two months now you have completely changed into another person! You won't go out with your friends. You have started smoking cigarettes and snorting pills! You use to be so proud of your grades and now, you're failing school. You have stopped iCarly all together," His voiced broke as he started to cry. His voice fell low as he dropped his head down, staring at the floor, "You won't cook with me anymore. You won't even speak to me anymore."

"Spencer," Carly whispered, her own tears threatening to fall, "I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to start. Your pills were in the cabinet and the moment I saw them, I just couldn't help myself. I had heard so many stories at school about them and how they could make me feel good. That was all I wanted; to feel good again."

"But Carly," Spencer whispered, looking at his sister, his eyes heavy, "No matter what was going on, we could have made it better. I could have helped you. You didn't have to go into this."

"No, you couldn't," Carly muttered, "Sometimes not even your jokes can make everything better," Carly looked up at Spencer as the pain washed over his face. "I didn't mean for this to get so out of hand."

"Well, it did," Spencer whispered, his hands dropping to his sides. He looked up to his sister, "I am going to have someone come tomorrow to talk to you, a counselor of sorts."

"You want me to get therapy?" Carly sputtered.

"I don't know what else to do," Spencer said, "I've tried talking to you and that didn't work. I don't know what to do."

"Please don't make me talk to a therapist," Carly begged, "I can stop. I can quit this, I promise!"

"It doesn't matter, Carly," Spencer said, "It is not just the pills and the cigarettes. It is the seclusion and the lack of interest of everything you use to love so much."

"I just don't feel good lately," Carly mumbled. Her eyes welled up once more as tears poured from her eyes, falling onto the floor in front of her silently.

"I want to help you," Spencer whispered wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, his own voice cracking, "I can't stand seeing you like this."

"I have just been hurting so much," Carly cried into her brothers' shoulder.

"And we can make you feel better," Spencer whispered, hugging her tightly.

They stood there, the next few minutes crying together in each other's arms. Together, they talked about what they could do to make things better. Carly got so close to telling him what had been happening but just as the words were about to slip from her lips, something in the back of her mind stopped her. That night, they made dinner together and watched Howl's moving Castle together, a guilty pleasure that they both shared. They shared the rest of the night together, brother and sister laughing and talking. Carly didn't think of her cigarettes or pills once the entire night.