A Game Of You
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Pairing: James/Logan
Rating: M
Warnings: Language Smut
A/N: It has been forever since the last time I tried to spread the joy, I'm very sorry for that, I'm also very thankful for still getting reviews, and favorites! I want to thank all of you, but especially my Newbie for everything she's done for me (where are my photos baby girl!?) and Meheartskendall for her support and encouragement (have a great summer my love! Dibs still hold, hope you get back sooner than expected). And now I hope you all like this chapter cause the next one will be just as long to make! SORRY GUYS I'M SERVING MY COUNTRY FOR A FEW MORE MONTHS! Hope to see you soon again leave a word please! Love you all!
Logan woke up to find himself covered up in blankets and holding tenderly to the pillow instead of James the morning that followed, his body took it's time to reset after the abuse he so willingly allowed himself to receive the day before, he didn't know how long it had been but he knew it was more than his standard six hours of rest.
Still he felt drowsy, heavy and sore all over but he didn't care at all because his heart at least was at peace, even if last night's fire had gone out James made sure that Logan was wrapped in warmth and that thought of affection was more than he could ever ask for.
Slowly he got up huddling the blankets around him to ban the morning cold away, he walked up to his discarded coat and his abandoned cell phone to check for any missed calls, he found plenty from his friends, one from his mom, and a few funny texts from Harry lecturing him about his sudden Sabbatical.
Amused he nonchalantly turned the damn thing off with a smile choosing to cut himself away from the outside world, it seemed to pale in comparison to the small one he shared with James.
He slowly made his way to the direction of James' room, since it had the only bathroom he knew of with a mirror that would allow him to finally see the brand his sweet tormentor gave him the first night they ever really slept together.
He heard thunder roaring outside and saw the rain fall through one of the penthouse's balconies, but he was overwhelmed with a feeling of safety because in his mind at least he wasn't alone, James was with him now, a part of him etched on his very skin, and Logan had started to believe that he was always with him from the day he was born.
After last night Logan was certain of only two things about his life, one was that he had never been truly in love before and two that he was deeply in love for the first time now, and for better or for worse that was with James Diamond.
He found him tiptoeing in the corridor leading to the inner rooms, before James could say anything Logan grabbed and forcefully kissed him unable to resist his sheepish adorable face.
"Dude have mercy! Morning breath ew…"
"Good morning to you too bar boy, why didn't you wake me when you got up?"
"I woke up like ten minutes ago…" A lie to save face, it had almost been an hour since James opened his eyes, but he used the gained time to watch Logan sleep, as a silent amend to his conscience he was the one who initiated their second kiss, and Logan used the excuse of a hazy sleepy mind to wrap his arms around him and snuggle.
"How did you sleep?"
"Like a log, you?"
"I'd like to say the same but your snoring sounds like a woodchopper."
"Liar, I don't snore…"
"It was like listening to one of Shiva's weird Hindu throat music collections."
"I don't snore; you're just being mean and shallow…"
"No, mornings are mean and your morning breath's even meaner!"
"You're just trying to get me to the bathroom so I can see the tattoo and you can cook breakfast behind my back or something aren't you pretty boy?"
"Oh please! Get over yourself Mitchell! I wasn't going to…"
"Sorry baby, you're all transparent to me now, deal with it." James opened his mouth but he choked on his own words, he finally shook his head and gave out a defeated sigh.
"Just try and avoid getting your back wet, and don't scrub it, the paint will last longer that way at least that's what the internet says."
"I won't touch it, promise." They kissed again and even James' sour face couldn't wipe away Logan's happy smile, they parted ways and while one hummed unconsciously the other banged his head lightly against a wall.
"Transparent Logie, really did you have to say that? That's the last thing I want to be with you damn it…"
Logan entered the bathroom and threw the covers on the floor, he turned his back in a way that would allow him to peer on his reflection, he shivered fervently on the sight of James' drawing, he felt like he was standing outside in the cold rain and had been struck mercilessly by lightning, like some invisible hand had phased inside his chest and squeezed his very heart.
"God James, is that how you see us?"
He was splashing hot water on his face letting it mingle with his lovesick tears when the door opened, James walked in and a part of Logan wanted to kill him right there and then for making him feel so utterly hopeless and alive at the same time, like he was simultaneously suffering from some vague terminal disease or he had all his dreams granted.
"Here I brought you a toothbrush and a clean towel, did you see the…Logan are you crying kitty?"
"No…"
"Logan you are crying, what's wrong? Do you hate it or something babe, it's not permanent you know, it's just going to last for a couple of weeks tops…"
"Seriously James how can you be so stupid?" He turned around furious, wiped his tears and kissed him passionately, when he pulled away he locked his eyes into the hazel ones, James' mind screamed for him to run, his heart though commanded him otherwise and he stayed there, rooted.
"It's beautiful, you're beautiful, inside and out, the most beautiful, breathtaking man I've ever met."
"It's just a silly…"
"Do me a favor, don't downplay this James, don't you even dare take this away from me, let me enjoy it for what it is."
"Logan you're reading too much in this, I was just struck by the moment and inspiration that's all, it really doesn't mean what you think…" James pulled away but Logan didn't care about games, rules and excuses anymore, he took the toothbrush from him and turned once more to face the sink.
"Even if I am overreacting you don't have to worry about it James, it's just me being a silly emotional dweeb. Just let me wash up in here and if you want to talk will do it later if you don't that's fine by me too."
"Logan I don't want to get your hopes up, we talked about this and I thought I was clear, you may think that you know what you feel about me but you're just confused and I…I don't want us to get hurt."
"You can't control what I feel James, and frankly you can't control how you feel either, see I actually have physical evidence carved on my back now."
"You know how you keep on saying that sometimes you hate me?"
"Yeah, sometimes I do…."
"Well you know something asshole?! Sometimes I hate you too!" He leaned forwards then and kissed the back of his neck not being able to resist, Logan caught his lovelorn gaze in the mirror, actions he thought speak louder than a million words, besides what he felt that moment the human language was inadequate to describe.
James tried to pull away mere seconds later but Logan wrapped an arm around his neck tenderly and held him there, James with his eyes closed collapsed on his shoulder, he wrapped his own arms around him and for what seemed like forever they held each other there, no words, no lust, just two men holding on to the most precious thing they had, each other, knowing all too well it couldn't last much longer.
"I'll never do this again you know…"
"Do what?"
"Try and get in a sulking customer's pants by buying him a drink…too much drama…"
"James shut up and hold me or I'll rip your throat with your own razor blade I swear."
"Whatever you want Doc…whatever you want…"
"Stop saying that, it's a lie and it hurts me more than any romantic bull you keep thrusting on me…"
"I know but I wish I could make it so it'd be true …I swear Logie, I just don't know how to do this without hurting you…us…"
"That I actually believe…"
"I should go, don't take too long in here, we've already lost half the day…" One more quick kiss before exiting, placed on the very heart he drew on Logan's back and James left shaking with his unchecked emotions while Logan was left to wonder if this would be the last meaningful thing they would ever share before slamming into the fast approaching inevitable wall.
"So what would you like for breakfast drama queen?" Logan was sitting by the kitchen counter, James was going through his fridge trying to find something to spoil him with and kill the self-created tension, and Logan wanting to help out played along by wearing just an undershirt and a pair of borrowed boxers.
"Depends are you any good or should I call work and tell them to have an emergency room on standby?"
"Ha ha, you should know by now I'm good at everything smarty pants."
"Yeah and that cocky attitude of yours would still be working except for the fact that yesterday you were sweating bullets asking for permission to paint on me like you were some kind of schoolgirl."
"So I may have a couple of unresolved issues about my…"
"You mean you have more issues on top of the other issues."
"You do not want to go there Doc, I'm as emotionally healthy as you are, how do you drink your coffee?"
"Black and no I think you're wrong, I have a track record of healthy relationships so I'm much more stable than you."
"Not agreeing with you on that one sorry guilt king, pancakes or waffles?"
"Waffles and guilt fits aside I was very satisfied with my life once upon a time James, can you honestly say the same?"
"I was perfectly happy until you came along…"
"Oh really? How's school going for you then, huh?"
"That's a low blow Mitchell and we're back at that again? And just so you know I didn't completely abandon it, I took a break between semesters that's all!"
"Stop lying James, I've had enough of that from you already."
"Fine I dropped out, I hit a slump and I dropped out! Satisfied now Doc?!"
"Not even remotely, come on James let's play Twenty Questions again, how long ago was that?"
"Let it go Logan seriously, do you want to start our day off with a real fight?!"
"No I'm not backing out, you can handle some pressure just tell me already, I allowed you to push all my buttons yesterday, be fair James, you owe me this, open up, how long?
"You know something, sometimes you make me feel like I'm under gun point!"
"Stop acting like a baby babe, it's just a one simple question for crying out loud, tell me how long?"
"If you really want to know it was almost two years ago…" James finally croaked, Logan noticed how his nostrils had flared up and how his skin had turned red, but he was so tired of beating around the bushes, it was high time to go for the direct approach.
"Really, why is that?"
"Told you, no inspiration, I ran out of drive, also there was this professor that chewed my head off constantly and kept rubbing my shortcomings in, I figured it just wasn't worth it anymore."
"Then you did a good thing by quitting, it's just means you didn't want it hard enough, maybe it wasn't your true calling or something."
"Nice try Doc but Shiva tries to mind screw me all the time and she's a professional, it won't work."
"I'm not trying to use reverse psychology on you here James, I'm just offering an honest opinion. I am entitled to one right?"
"Boy, you're full of tricky questions today aren't you?"
"Do I ever complain about you calling him Jackass? No. I believe I've earned the right to share my thoughts with you. Besides if something doesn't make you happy you simply shouldn't do it but if it did, honestly you'd be a moron for letting it go."
"There's some kind of subtext here you're trying to get through but I'll pretend ignorance."
"No subtext princess just honesty! I know nothing about art, but I can confidently say that your professor knew shit if he couldn't see your talent, but if you want we can go to your school and show off your latest piece of work right now; bet you'll get raging reviews for it!"
Logan smiled with his eyes as he sipped from his coffee mug taking immense gratification on seeing James having an inner battle with himself, and of course like Logan anticipated instead of blowing up with anger or fighting back with reasonable arguments James took option number three.
"I found that canvas, it's mine."
"Thought you'd say that but just so you know the offer stands…" James glared at him behind the milk carton he was drinking off but his lips curled into a smirk watching the fire light in Logan's murky eyes.
"Maybe you're right Logs and I am indeed a moron, but I'm a hot steaming one that you can never say no to." He let the milk down which Logan took and drank off without a second thought, a gesture that James found more sexy than he should, and then he took the waffles out, their sweet aroma filled the room, he placed them on plates and then turned over to the fridge for ammunition to finally make his stand and fight Logan back.
"I can say no to you James, I'm kinda hooked on you but I can still say no…"
"Suuure you can, whipped cream or chocolate syrup?"
"Both." Logan answered with a grin that mirrored the scandalous one that James had on.
"You're being selfish here Doctor Mitchell; it's one or the other cause I'm not giving you both, life's not fair so you can't have both."
"Now you, you're using subtext here…and I said I want both." Logan repeated, his voice in a lower register, the one he reserved for when he ridded James like he was a cowboy and James was a wild horse, James backed down placing both bottles on the counter but he did it smiling smugly.
"Okay, but you can only have me or the waffles for breakfast and this time I'm dead serious Tiger." He leaned over him, opened his mouth, grazed Logan's lips with his tongue; Logan fisted his hair and dived into him, their rough kissing had become second nature to him now, as automatic and crucial to him as taking in air.
"That's hardly a choice Jamezy…" He pulled him down throwing his arms around him, drowning the sound of James' playful victorious giggle with a pleasured groan as he smashed their lips together repeatedly.
"Just ten seconds ago you boasted you could say no to me loser..."
"I can but who told you I wanna…" James picked him up in his muscled arms, they fumbled around latched on one another, they expressed their morning lust by moaning into each other's bodies. Logan felt the cold surface of the fridge on his back suddenly, James felt the wolf's nails going down on his back, tearing away on his skin.
"Fuck James I'm hungry! Feed me already damn it!"
"Me too Logie, I'm gonna swallow you whole!"
"Me first! I need to go first!"
"How about we meet in the middle you needy sick boy?"
"I could work with that, how's your math skills, you dropout?"
"I can count to a hundred at least don't worry, dare guess what my favorite number is?"
"Somewhere between sixty eight and seventy?"
"Jackpot Tiger…"
The marble counter was transformed into a battlefield, and once were there was supposed to be food now there were bodies, half naked and surging on each other getting rid of any remaining restraining clothes by ripping them off, mouths locked, tongues warring, breaths blazed, chests colliding.
"I can't get enough of you James…" Logan had a nipple caught between his teeth sucking on it, biting it, feeling it harden between his lips, James took the chocolate syrup bottle and spread the context on his chest.
Logan followed the river slowly down with his tongue, lower and lower insanely pleading for more, intoxicated and drank by the mix of sweat and chocolate, James happily made his wish true groaning, but when Logan reached the favorite part of James' body James grabbed him suddenly and flipped him on his back, positioning himself between Logan's parted legs.
"I can't even decide what would go better with your meat Doc I love the way your skin tastes…"
Logan buried his head unto James and started sucking him making those slurping noises that drove him insane, they bopped their heads nonstop with a rapid pace trying to one up each other, James with hands shaking poured both whipped cream and milk on Logan only to clean him up in seconds using his tongue, eventually their mouths were full devouring one another like famished beasts, entwined and inseparable, lost in flaming carnal sensations and their own taste.
"Aw God James I'll never get full of you!"
"So good, you're so fucking good Doc!"
They went on like that for what seemed like hours to them and when they hit their limit they came in each other's mouths beyond their control or any real warning.
James almost choked; Logan swallowed every last trace of semen down like the seasoned pro he was with a victorious smile and even though it was he who released first in his mind he had won.
When they finally broke apart James hopped off the counter and got some strawberries out of the fridge, not caring that the room kept on spinning or that his heart was pounding like mad, like it was beats away from exploding.
"Here baby, desert." He placed one between his lips and Logan shook his head before kissing him and liberating most of it with his teeth.
"Are you running out of moves on me bar boy?"
"Shut up smartass." They enjoyed their old kissing game in silence for a few minutes but Logan's mind was racing into thought, he couldn't box in his maddening desire any longer, he broke away, took a deep breath and forced a smile knowing it wouldn't do much good against James who could read him like an open book since day one, still he steeled himself and tried to aim for the next step.
"If you really are running out of moves though I may have a suggestion on what we could try next, you know."
"What's going on in that sick little mind of yours this time pervert?"
"How about we take some tests…see if we're safe for more skin on skin action I mean…we could drop the condoms…"
"Logan! That's just another way of asking me for exclusivity!"
"You don't have to shout! I know it's a big step and I know it's selfish of me to ask, but I want to feel you James like I've never felt any other man in my entire life, what's wrong with that huh?!"
"We shouldn't do that Logan, it would be a mistake, it could screw us over big time."
"No matter how many walls you put between us James they won't hold, it's already too late, why can't you face that?" James fell into deep thought, Logan knew he was searching for an argument to convince himself more than him, but he had clearly ran out of anything other than his fear of commitment and obviously that wasn't good enough anymore, when he finally gave him an answer Logan's heart wanted to jump out of his chest with joy.
"Can you at least let me think about it for a few days?"
"Take your time, I understand, I'm just as scared as you are really."
"But braver than me too apparently…" James stretched a hand out to caress him and pull him closer and Logan knew he was only a step away from his final victory.
"Just a tad, don't let it bother you." The kiss they gave each other then was the most meaningful and full of promises from all the ones they had exchanged, it cut them off from reality, it stopped the movement of time, they didn't hear the front door open until it was too late.
"Would you look at that Hilda, James has company over." Brooke hissed at the sight of the living room, she banged the door and pressed the house alarm back on, she walked over to Logan's discarded clothes and the makeshift camp James had made for them snorting an arrogant laugh, then she gestured to her maid to get the bags to her room and went in search of the instigator behind the chaos, it wasn't that hard of a task, his not so manly squeals gave him away.
"Did you hear that?"
"What? Wait…OH CRAP! Satan's home!"
"Satan? What do you me-JAMES!" James in his terror and panic shoved Logan behind the kitchen counter, his eyes darted over the floor to find any semblance of clothing for them or any viable exit but it was too late, Brooke was already standing at the entrance cornering her prey easily, smiling like a snake ready to devour the poor field mice, which was the only real giveaway of her intentions because otherwise she was inhumanly composed at the sight before her.
"Mom!"
"Hello sweetie pie." Her voice made Logan follow James in his dread, he lied frozen unable to move an inch; he watched him fumbling around looking for something to cover himself up, he fought back the urge to stretch a hand out and pull him down on the floor with him.
"Brooke what are you doing here?! Turn around damn it! Can't you see I'm naked!"
"Oh, I'm sorry dear I was distracted by all this fine mess you've made of my house. Didn't our contract specifically state you're not allowed to cook? I take it that you were going with breakfast?" Instead of turning around she took a step further into the kitchen, Logan could swear that James stopped breathing and died on the spot at that exact time.
"For crying out loud mom GET OUT!"
"You're throwing me out from my own kitchen? I think not, here wear this." She took Logan's discarded underwear and threw it at him, James wore it cussing, Brooke chuckled when she saw the pair of legs that stood out behind the counter.
"Now you clean up in here while me and your 'guest' have a cup of coffee in the living room."
"Guest what guest? There's no one here…"
"Don't insult my intelligence young man. You have ten minutes." She finally turned and pranced out; James collapsed and buried his head in his arms, Logan finally found the courage to get up and move beside him.
"James are you okay?"
"No I'm not, we're done for…"
"James relax, I'll just sneak out, no big deal."
"Sneak out he says…you know how Shiva affectionately calls Brooke? Baskerville! Even if I did manage to get you to the service elevator unnoticed she'll probably have all the alarms on which means we'll have to go through the front door and turn them off again!"
"You have a service elevator?"
"Not the point dude!"
"Then I'll just say a quick hello, apologize for the mess and go out from the front door like a normal person! What's the worst thing that can happen?"
"What's the worst thing he asks...GOD YOU'RE CLUELESS! She won't let you go! You heard her she wants to have coffee with you, in other words she wants to drink your blood with a straw!"
"You're just afraid of me talking to your mother aren't you?"
"Well, yeah knowing her she's going to…"
"You shouldn't be! Unlike you I'm not five, I'm going out to have an adult conversation with the woman! You can join us if you want!"
"Umm, you heard her I have to clean up in here…"
"For the love of God! Why did I ever fall in love with such a juvenile…give me that shirt!" He picked James' clothes mumbling uncontrollably, loud enough for him to hear, pissed enough to not give a damn anymore.
When he finally became presentable he got two cups out poured some coffee demanded a tray from James and went straight to the living room ignoring his childish pleas, he didn't know what he was getting into really, if he did he would have opted on taking a jackknife from the first available window.
"Come into my parlor…" Hissed Brooke when she saw Logan walking confidently to her with a warm innocent smile on his lips, she pretended to be busy with her cutting edge smart phone and didn't even look up to him and meet his eyes, Logan wasn't discouraged though, he pressed himself onwards, he had to win this battle, it would help enormously in his stalemate with James if he had her support.
"Mrs. Diamond? Hello, I'm sorry about earlier, I couldn't exactly come out and greet you like that…"
"Put the coffee tray down now before you drop the damn thing, you won't be able to afford the cleaning bill on the carpet trust me on it." Logan raised an eyebrow, Brooke fought back a smile behind her phone seeing his shock, he sat down opposite of her trying to remain composed, he spoke again though not waiting for her permission, her tone gave her intentions away, the woman was on a warpath.
"Mrs. Diamond once again I'm sorry, I haven't even introduced myself yet! I'm Logan Mitchell…" He gave her his hand for a handshake, Brooke looked down on it amused.
"I'm not touching that."
"What?"
"Considering where it probably was earlier it wouldn't be very sanitary."
"I washed my hands clean ma'am!"
"Still no, wouldn't risk it. And here I thought you were the doctor guy…oh I'm jumping the gun! You're not him are you? I'm sorry dear, don't mind me James has a lot of 'special friends' it's easy to lose track on who's he doing this week."
"But I am the doctor guy and he's doing me only for a month now! And I washed my damn hand! Here take it!" His tenacity prevailed; although she had an expression of disgust on she finally took it for a fracture of a second at least.
"If you don't mind me saying then, from what I've gathered you're a doctor with very lax morals."
"Excuse me! How did you get to that conclusion?"
"You used your position in the hospital to satisfy yours and my son's perverted fantasies a few weeks back didn't you? That doesn't say much about your character young man."
"With all due respect I don't think that's any of your business, James and I are both adults and besides how do you even know we did anything? We could easily have gone to lunch or something!" Logan was fuming mad with Brooke and her audacity, mad with James and his big mouth, mad with himself for losing ground too far, too fast.
"When you decide to move your perversion under my roof it damn well makes it my business Doctor Mitchell, also James tells everything to mommy."
"From what he told me about you I highly doubt that, and yes it's your house but James lives here too! He invited me here, doesn't he have the right to spend a night with his…"
"His what, what exactly are you to my son anyway, because I know him good enough to know he doesn't do the steady thing, so why is a seemingly smart, handsome educated man losing his time with my little failure?"
"Why do you degrade him like that?! Have you spent more than five seconds with him?! Do you know how funny he is?! How caring?! How sensitive? How talented?! You're his mother for crying out loud!"
"Exactly I am his mother, I gave birth to him, raised him, I still feed and clothe him and he's twenty four years old. That gives me every right to say anything I want about him, but Logan? You, you're a fling nothing more, just a sort stop from the next guy or girl or whatever comes along in his never-ending quest to laze off and piss me, it'll end soon and I believe you can see that too."
"You're wrong! James isn't like that! James and I are…" That was the moment when with the corner of his eye he caught James hiding in the back, looking sad, lost and terrified, Logan wished he would burst into the room and come to his defense, make his stand, declare his undying love for him, but it wasn't going to happen because Brooke was right, James was too comfortable with his life and he wouldn't change it not even for him.
"You may be right…" He mumbled and Brooke bit her lip because she hoped that he wouldn't give up so soon, that he would keep on shouting at her, storm out and drag James with him to a happily ever after.
"Didn't catch that sorry?"
"I said you're probably right…I guess I'm not that important to James after all, and I overstepped my boundaries, your issues with him are between the two of you, I'm sorry." He glared at him then and James couldn't face him, why wouldn't his goddamn feet move, why was he letting Logan drown like that, shouldn't his feelings give him strength and propel him forwards or were they not real enough.
"Apology accepted, now if there's nothing else you want to scream at me I'm tired from my trip and I would like to unwind and besides I think you've overstayed your welcome."
"Yeah, I did, didn't I?" Tired and defeated he got up and turned away to gather his scattered things, he passed by James who couldn't even look into his eyes and sighed tired, it was only on his way to the door that James found the courage to speak to him.
"You're leaving…"
"If you wanted me to stay James you should have said something in there."
"And after talking to her can't you see what it's like for me Logan? I'm trapped in here…"
"Yeah, by yourself. Anyway I'm going to go; we both need some time to think about what's best for us so I'd appreciate it if you leave me some space."
"See now you put me on the same place as…"
"Don't go there, you'll make things worse. Just know that despite of everything that happened I care for you James, it's you that has to start caring for yourself."
"That's the pot calling the kettle black Doc."
"I know that, and I'm willing to fix that, the question is are you?"
He didn't let him answer he gave a small nod back to Brooke who was flipping through fashion magazines not paying any attention to them, had James open the door for him and walked out.
James slouched back to the living room holding back tears and trying to fight the urge to murder his mother for ruining everything for him.
"One moment young man, are you done with the kitchen?"
"No ma'am."
"Then finish up and go to your room, I'd rather avoid seeing you for the day."
"Yes ma'am."
"James?"
"What now?!"
"I don't know how you'll do it but you better find a way to make that rude boy happy cause he's the best opportunity you'll ever get."
"Stay out of my business mother!" James stormed off and shut himself up in his room leaving Brooke alone, she smiled and shook her head and finally let her guard down.
"Hot tempered, stubborn, ungrateful brat, oh well, at least I don't have to worry if he'll ever find true love anymore."
The following days were empty, Logan fell to his default workaholic self and surprisingly he was at peace with it.
He once again punched as many hours in the hospital as he could, hell-bent on relieving people from their pain, because he couldn't free himself from his own ailment, his heart was sick with love and the only person who held the cure for it denied it from him out of pure ego.
Logan had come to the conclusion that as much as he loved James a happy ending simply wasn't in the cards for them, and the only thing that saddened him about it was that James would stay captive of his own insecurities and fears, but what other choice did he have?
He was out of energy, he was tired of their game, either James would give them a real chance or Logan would walk out of them for good, not to save himself but because he saw that James was suffering in his struggle and he wanted to end it for him, there was no option number three.
Peter and Harry saw him close himself up, he refused to unburden on them, and avoided them like the plague. Once they had enough of his cold attitude they took drastic measures, they dragged him in the dinner across the hospital and sat him down for the Spanish Inquisition.
"So are you going to tell us how did it go with that barman of yours or not Logan?"
"Are you going to stay out of this Harold or not?"
"Hey! Only the wife gets to call me that kid!"
"Come on now Logan, you've been quiet ever since you came back from your leave, it's not good for you to keep it all bottled inside."
"You can tell us Logan, I'll even try not to judge you and lover boy, promise."
"No you won't, anyway there's not much to tell really. I'm in love with him, I'm pretty sure he's feeling the same for me, we can't be together, end of story."
His two friends looked at each other confused and then at Logan who was completely calm with the exception of a tiny nervous smirk on his lips.
"You love each other but you can't be together?"
"Yes, he doesn't want us to be together. I can't get him out of that sand castle he calls a life, he wants to waste it, fine by me."
"But you just said you love him!"
"With all my heart and soul Pete, but he doesn't love himself enough, I think a part of him wants to wallow on self-pity and misery because he thinks he deserves it so he refuses to take a risk on us."
"Where have I heard that one before? Oh yeah! You did the same to Jack!"
"Yes Harry I did! And I think I know why now, I didn't love him enough, I didn't let him in, like James probably doesn't love me enough to change himself."
"Logan you can't demand from someone to change his entire life for you, that's not what love is about."
"No it is, for me and James to be together it is. We both have to change; the difference is I want to change for him because I believe it'll make us happy, he just refuses to make an effort for it. Now I'm just waiting for him to accept it and break my heart."
"You're kidding right Logs?! What sort of sadomasochistic train of thought is that?!"
"If James is the one who hurts me, it's okay by me…"
"No it's not! What about us, your family? You think we want to see you suffer over a glorified pretty boy!
"See Harry that's the point, I'm the only one who sees James for who he really is and he only one who knows who I really am, yes I love you guys but it's different, and I know it's selfish of me but the love I get from you isn't enough to make want to grab life by the hair and sorry I won't feel guilty about that. James made me realize that we're just people, weak, flawed, maybe a little sick in the head. And we still want each other despite of it. A friend of his said something to me a couple of weeks ago and it's stuck in my head ever since. Some people aren't meant to be happy in this world; the fact that James may be the love of my life doesn't mean I get to keep him, I just have to accept that."
"Bull, sugar coat it all you want Logan, I think you're just giving up on yourself."
"Yeah and I don't get why it has to be Diamond or Jack for that matter, I remember you telling me once that a happy ending doesn't necessary mean wedding bells with either of them!"
"Who told you I want wedding bells? I just want to be loved and I believe the only one who is capable of giving me that is James, and if he can't, well, I'll just have to try and survive without him I guess."
"YOU'RE IDIOTS! THAT'S WHAT THIS ALL ABOUT!"
"Don't shout Peter, I'm just telling you how I see it, sometimes you just have to settle…"
"No you don't kid, not if you try hard enough."
"Exactly, why must I be the only one who constantly tries, James, Jack, they haven't, not as much as they should. I'm just tired Harry…just tired of waiting for happy to come along…"
"You should have walked out of this when you had the chance then."
"But I didn't and now I have to live with the consequences, that is all…"
They said more things to him but he eventually tuned them out until his break was done, he had decided to deposit his fate to James along with his last remaining hope, in reality he was still running, only this time he ran alone.
He was in the train a few days later and was heading straight for home when his phone buzzed; when he saw the name on the screen he immediately felt his eyes go moist.
"Took you long enough…"
Logan, can you come over to Eden tonight? I think it's about time I give you an answer, we can't let this go on forever. I can't keep this up anymore. I can't keep on hurting you anymore. Please come and see me tonight.
Logan didn't care how ominous the text was; it hurt him more that James had called him by his name, no affectionate nickname, no clever sex joke.
"Time to say our goodbye then, I guess…"
It was still early for the club to open and he wanted to look good for him, to make himself unforgettable to him, so he dragged himself to the apartment and like a man on a death sentence he opened the door to freshen up.
He froze at the realization that it was unlocked, that there was light coming from inside. He came in shaking and then his body turned to stone when he saw him sitting on their couch like it hadn't been a day.
"Hello sweetheart, I never gave you my keys back…"
"Jack…" And then Logan's heart simply stopped.