Next morning when Gibbs awoke to the gentle shaking provided by none other than his former Boss and the smell of coffee and stale tobacco, it took him a few moments to work out where the heck he was.
"Rise and shine Probie," called out Mike, seeing the eyes of the previously snoring agent start to open and focus on his surroundings. "Me and you have a long day ahead of us so I expect you to get yourself up and showered whilst I fix breakfast."
"Just coffee will be fine Mike," yawned Gibbs stretching as he did so.
"Did it sound like I was giving you a choice of menu Probie," asked Mike, "you are gonna eat a proper breakfast and we're gonna set you up proper for sorting this mess out."
Gibbs groaned, for just a moment he had forgotten why Mike was there, forgotten what he had done and how he had to now sort out his own mess. "What time is it Mike?" he asked.
"0530 and the sun is rising beautifully out there," chuckled Mike.
"Oh god, not in here Mike, give me just another hour," pleaded Gibbs and turned over so as to close his eyes and disappear back under the duvet.
Mike wasn't giving in that easy, picking up a brush off of the old oak dresser in the room, he marched back over to the bed, pulled back the covers and delivered three mild smacks to the backside that was presented before him.
"Geez Mike," exclaimed Gibbs, "what the hell do you think you are doing?"
Mike stood poised with the brush and laughed, "Aw Probie them were just love taps, now unless you get yourself up and moving there will be more and harder, I'm an old man and don't have enough time left on this earth to fix your problems and wait for you to have another hours sleep. Now UP!" he ordered.
""Alright alright, I'll be down in a minute," grumbled Gibbs.
"Make sure you do Probie," warned Mike, "I don't want to be coming to get you now." With that he placed the hard backed brush back down onto the dresser and left.
Gibbs showered and dressed in jeans and an old marine corps shirt. He wasn't a man for fancy clothes and instead chose the comfort of things he felt safe with. This was his go to t-shirt whenever he was feeling down. He made it down stairs and into the kitchen where Mike was just serving up a batch of banana pancakes and a jug of strong black coffee from the machine.
"So you decided to join us," welcomed Mike.
"Didn't really have a choice," muttered Gibbs rubbing his butt as he did so.
"What's, that Probie?" enquired Mike pretending he hadn't heard.
"Nothing Boss, just saying how good the pancakes look," replied Gibbs rapidly trying to divert Mike from his original answer.
"Then sit yourself down and enjoy," said Mike.
"You not eating?" enquired Gibbs wondering why he was being practically force fed when Mike was likely to do nothing more than smoke another cigarette and down a couple of cups of coffee.
"Time for that later," was all Mike responded and then disappeared out onto the back porch to imbibe in what would be his fourth cigarette of the morning. He hoped he had brought enough with him to get him through this mess his Probie had landed himself in.
Twenty minutes later and Gibbs was just clearing away the rest of the breakfast dishes. "I need to get ready to go into work Mike," he said.
"That's all fixed with Jenny," came the reply. "She's not expecting you until next Monday, that's when your punishment from her will start. Until then you are mine to sort out."
Gulping heavily at the thought that it was going to take so long with Mike, Gibbs ventured, "er Boss do you really need that long to urm you know fix this?" He really didn't think he could survive that many days of Mike making him talk through and accept his actions and then punish him for it. It had been a long time since he had been in this much trouble and although in this relationship he was still the Probie he knew that physically he was far from being one.
As if reading the thoughts of the younger man Mike chuckled, "you worried that there is going to be a whole lot of stuff I will take you to task over Jethro and that you aren't going to sit comfortably for a while?"
"Well kind of Boss," Gibbs responded embarrassed that his thoughts could still be so easily read by this man after all of these years.
"Probie, this has gone way beyond spanking you until you get your head on straight, even I don't think that's going to work with this one," explained Mike, "No me and you and at some point the rest of the guys are going to have to sit down and talk, nothing as simple as getting a good old butt whooping and then wiping the slate clean."
The thought of having to do that much talking almost had Gibbs begging for the old fashioned treatment but deep down he knew that he was going to have to do this.
"What happens if they won't talk to me," asked Gibbs nervously, "I did really screw this one up."
"Go sit down in the living room," ordered Mike, "lets take this one step at a time."
Sitting onto the sofa Gibbs once again felt like the youngster called to account for his actions. His subconscious action was to grab for a pillow and hug it to him for comfort. When Mike entered the room and saw this, he smiled to himself, he knew his Probie was at least ready to listen, he'd seen this sign before many many years ago.
"So lets start with you losing Shannon and Kelly," said Mike in a quiet and calm tone as he sat down opposite Gibbs.
"I don't understand, that's not the problem here, I don't want to discuss them, please Mike leave them out of it," he begged.
"No can do," answered Mike just as serenely as before, "I know you lost them a long time ago and all that, but your spin with Pin Pin Pula screwed up that head of yours and in the time since that I'm guessing it seems like only 4 months ago you lost them. Am I right?"
"I don't want to talk about them," repeated Gibbs getting both angry and emotional, "I don't see why you need me to talk about them."
"Because I think you are still grieving Probie, the process of accepting their loss has started all over again for you and, until you can accept that, you won't be able to accept the others into your life as you did before."
"That's a whole load of psycho-babble bullshit Mike," spat Gibbs, "who fed you that line hey? Jenny?"
"No Jethro, you are forgetting that I remember you going through this before," explained Mike, keeping his calm but struggling to do so, "You may have forgotten what you went through all those years ago but I sure as hell haven't forgotten. Do you think I enjoyed seeing you go through it then? Do you think I would put you through that again if I didn't know it was the only way to get you back onto the right track."
Gibbs didn't respond.
"Listen to me Probie, you will not be able to accept your team as family all the time you think that it is being disloyal to their memories," Mike continued. "I've seen you push away friends and ex-wives in the past, and although there were other reasons on top of the main one, the fact is that none of them could replace Shannon and Kelly."
Gibbs still didn't answer.
"But DiNozzo, McGee, Abby, Ziva…. Somehow they found a way into your heart and you found a way to let them in. They didn't replace Shannon and Kelly, they just became extra members of your family." Mike could see that his words were at least starting to hit home a little. "You trying to push them out of that space in there that they found is what is hurting them, its what's hurting you!"
Still no answer came, but instead tears began to pool at the corner of Gibbs eyes.
Mike pushing that bit further began again, "If you want to make this right again Probie then you gotta start grieving properly again and start to realize that both Shannon and Kelly would want you to go on living."
"But I hurt them," cried Gibbs the dam now breaking and tears starting to pour down his face. He wiped them away angrily with the back of his hand only for them to be replaced seconds later with a fresh batch, "I hurt them."
Mike could feel the emotion tearing at his own heart, but to see his Probie in this agony was more than he could stand. He crossed the room to the sofa upon which Gibbs sat clutching the pillow and crying into it. He sat alongside him and pulled the younger man into his arms, rocking him gently as he did and let his tears soak through his shirt.
He continued to do this until the tears started to subside and Gibbs naturally pulled away from him and sat upright again.
"God I'm a mess," declared Gibbs.
"No, despite how you think you ought to be able to handle this Jethro, you are just human," responded Mike. "Now tell me how you hurt them."
"Tim, I paddled him with a shoe, didn't mean to use it, it was just in my hand and I had already lost it with Tony," he began, "and then I yelled at him and Ducky in the middle of the bullpen, I embarrassed him, I destroyed his confidence, god it took him so long to build it up, but he did it with Tony's help, I didn't frighten him away like I did with so many of the others."
"Go on," encouraged Mike, rather glad for a moment at least he didn't have to do all of the talking.
"And then there's Ducky, he was just trying to help, I was rude to him and if I had just listened he wouldn't have gone off and done that stupid interview. I blamed him and McGee but really it is my fault and my responsibility," stated Gibbs.
"Sure you were a complete jackass, but they also know they overstepped the mark too," consoled Mike, "they hold some responsibility in this as well and if you let them I'm sure they would acknowledge that."
"And then there's Ziva and Abby, they were so happy that I was back but their happiness for my return I took as relief that DiNozzo was no longer in charge. They were distracted, they were sarcastic at times, childish at others, I thought that they were like that because Tony had let them get away with it. I thought they needed my discipline, I didn't know they needed my love." The tears were once again flowing.
Mike held him again until his shoulders stopped heaving as much with the racking sobs.
"What about Tony?" asked Mike, "you've mentioned him several times when you talked about the others."
Gibbs was silent, he shook his head and wiped angrily at the tears again.
"I saw him as the pretender to my thrown I guess, the younger, fitter, more savvy version of me," said Gibbs almost as if he was just talking to himself.
"I slapped him down every chance I got, had to re-establish my authority over the team, he was in the way and yet I needed him more than ever, relied on him more than ever," admitted Gibbs, "and then I hit him for real for something I'm guessing a head slap would have cured, maybe even just a glare."
"I went too far with all of them; but with Tony I'm frightened that I can't sort that out. He's distant, he's focused on something else and I'm worried about him, but every time I think I might have found a way to get him to open up and tell me, he shrugs me off or I end up yelling at him. He hates me. I've pushed him too far."
"Sure he doesn't hate you Probie, and maybe he has a lot of other things on his plate," answered Mike, "but give him time, give him space; you know you are not the only one who is grieving, so is DiNozzo in his own way."
"What do you mean Mike?" Gibbs was concerned that he had missed a tragedy in Tony's life.
"He's grieving about you, knucklehead," smirked Mike giving his Probie a none to gentle punch in the shoulder.
"Me? Why? I'm still here."
"When you left him with the team, he spent so long sorting out their grief at the way you went that he had no time to sort out his own," Mike explained, "then I think Jenny has got him working all sorts of stuff and he has never had the time to stop and take stock. Now you have compounded that grief by causing him to be angry with you. He doesn't know whether to hug you or punch you."
The two sat and talked for several hours more, difficult truths were met face on, tears ran quite freely, the way they can only between family. As 1130 approached Mike sent Gibbs to have a nap whilst he sorted lunch for them. Gibbs of course resisted at first but Mike was insistent and once again within seconds of his head touching the pillow Gibbs was asleep.
Leaving the exhausted man to rest Mike made his way downstairs to prepare for the afternoon. Gibbs was going to need all the strength of character he could muster.