Rain On Me

Chapter 10

Edward

Leaving Bella and Eclipse was the most difficult thing I'd ever done. More difficult than ending a three year relationship. More difficult than standing my ground, and refusing to go to Dartmouth for pre-med. More difficult than telling my father on my nineteenth birthday, that my sex life was none of his damn business. More difficult than trying to get Tanya to stop fucking calling me—the whole backseat incident had been a mistake that would not be repeated. Walking away from the person and place that made me feel more real than I'd ever felt—like I actually mattered—made what followed seem easy as well. None of it mattered anyway.

I considered not even going home, but putting off the inevitable would only make it worse. I preferred to get it over with while I was numb anyway. I stood, impassively, while my father lectured me on how my actions over the past year had cost this poor girl her business. He went on to tell me how I'd let the family down, yet again. All the while, my mother sat at his side, tsk-ing me as she shook her head sadly. She couldn't even muster her crocodile tears for this one. I'd caught them unprepared. I assumed the tears, and the more intensive screaming would follow, once they'd let it all sink in.

What happened the following day caught us both off guard. They approached me with the announcement that we were going to sue Eclipse for the pain and suffering caused to me, due to negligence on behalf of the owner. That would off-set the law suit they were certain was coming from the Tanners. That was when I waged the battle of my life. There was no way in HELL I would allow them to hurt Bella. At some point during my fierce defence, the light came on for them. They realized that their son was in love.

In love with a cop's daughter. A public servant's kid. And it was on.

The screaming turned to threats at that point—give up Bella or lose my car. Goodbye stupid Volvo. I never liked you anyway.

Give her up, or lose my apartment. See ya. You were too far off campus for my liking to begin with.

Forget about the cop's kid or lose my free-spending bank account. I could, and would, get another job. Thank you.

They switched tactics at that point. Agree to go out to Dartmouth, and pursue any career of my choice—as long as I was across the country. Alone. I smirked at that one, and politely declined.

In the end, we came to an agreement. They would not pursue any action against Bella, I would not pursue any relationship with my parents. I was tossed out. My father did drive me to Seattle, where I was able to hook up with some of the people I'd hung out with when I first started at U-Dub. They'd let me crash for a few nights before I'd move on. I procured myself a job at a deli. Best of all, I got free food there, allowing more money to find an actual place to live.

My parents didn't follow through on all of their threats—my bank account remained what it was, but I refused to use it unless I was desperate. When registration came, and I only had one week of pay, I swallowed my pride and used their money for my classes. The student loan I'd applied for hadn't come through yet, and I was desperate.

I rented a room in a run-down house with five other students. It was filthy, noisy, and generally repulsive—if not dangerous—but it allowed me extra money to replace my cell phone that had been taken from me when I left home that fateful day.

I had two contacts in my new phone. At the library, I found the number for Eclipse, now closed for the year. My contact list was Eclipse, and Charlie Swan. Yes, the police chief of Forks was my one viable contact. Not that I'd ever call him—but it somehow made me feel better to have a listing of 'Swan'. I cursed myself frequently for not memorizing Bella's number. Then patted myself on the back for the same, because that meant I couldn't, in a moment of weakness, call her up and humiliate myself.

When the shit hit the fan at camp, my intention was to resign, thinking that would get Bella off the hook. If all of her problems could be resolved so easily, it wasn't an issue. Camp was only on for another three weeks—I could wait out three measly weeks to be with her. It was a small price to pay for the negligence on both of our parts.

Emmett helped me pack, rambling on the whole time about how the whole situation blew. I couldn't disagree. He bro hugged me, wished me well, and said we should hook up in Seattle once school was back in. "We'll see each other through Bella, anyway, but we can just hang sometimes, too." That gave me the impression he knew about me and Bella. I didn't disagree with that, either. I gave him my number, and took his… not that it was of use, since my phone was now gone. And then I went to ask Bella if our first date could be on the day after she closed up Eclipse for the year.

The only unknown car in the lot was Charlie's cruiser. I knew the investigators were gone. I could get Bella alone for a few minutes, I was sure. Standing outside her office, I heard her crying. My hand moved to push the door open, and go hold her. Bella shouldn't be crying—I couldn't leave Bella for three weeks without seeing a smile. I heard Charlie murmuring to her and short replies from Bella.

'Yeah, Dad, I like him.' That was the first thing I heard clearly. It was sarcastic in tone. I couldn't get a clear picture on what that meant, exactly. Was that it? She liked me? I didn't expect her to have the same depth of feelings I had for her, but the way it was said seemed to mock whatever those feelings were.

When she went on to profess how her feelings for me had caused her to lose sight of business—and in turn, her mom, that was all I needed to hear. I had caused her pain. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

'He's still a kid, Dad…' The last words I heard were the words that cut me. Sure, I was younger in age, but a kid? She saw me as a fucking KID? Whether it was her true feelings or not, it had found its way into the mess of the CPR certificate, and the fact that she hadn't asked me for one. And me probably knowing somehow, the whole time I was performing it on little Bree, that I should have one, but not giving a fuck because the kid wasn't fucking breathing! I remained bitter over that for quite some time. The rest of it gutted me. It was all a mess. I was the kid who had managed to damage Bella's sanctuary. The end.

I had been living a dream for a few weeks, believing that Bella and I could actually have something. I never imagined I'd have the opportunity to even be friends with her, but for those weeks, we were. And as I had with Kate in the spring, I put blinders on and let yet another girl lead me around by the heart. Or maybe my dick. I don't know. Whichever, or both, it didn't matter. I had neither girl. Never had a chance regardless of my wishful thinking. Reality stung. It more than stung, and I was desperate to get away before it got even worse.

It got worse before I even managed to get out of her parking lot.

She was there, in front of me, with tears in her eyes. More than she had hurt me, I hurt myself with the knowledge that I'd put those tears there. She was scared. If I could do one last thing for her—one thing that meant something, it would be to preserve the one thing allowing her to find peace and stay connected with her mother. Who knew… maybe one day she'd look at me as a grown man, and physical age wouldn't matter. In the meantime, I could be a man and put her needs first.

Yeah. I was fully aware that I was pussy-whipped. I didn't care.

x – x – x

I found that being out from under the repression of my parents and their expectations was liberating. For the first time in my life, I was living for myself—not them, or the people who would form an opinion of them based on my actions. If someone didn't like how I lived, how I dressed, or behaved—well, I simply didn't give a shit. It was actually quite easy to not give a shit about anything. I continued simplifying my life until I was going through the motions of living without feeling. I didn't require the drugs that my roommates were fond of for numbing purposes—I learned how to feel nothing naturally.

Point proven one day when I ran into my father. I was on my way from class, heading to work when I literally ran into him. As I do, I apologized profusely even before realizing who I'd almost knocked over. It was awkward.

"Edward. How are you?"

"Good. I'm well. You?"

"Very well."

"That's good."

Long, awkward pause.

"How is Bella?"

The numbness thawed for a split second, and a knife sliced through my gut. "I wouldn't know," I muttered.

A wry smile twisted at my father's lips. "Are you satisfied? You gave up everything you had for nothing at all. No girl is worth it, Edward. I hope you've learned that."

"You're wrong." He was wrong about everything. I was satisfied living on my own. And Bella… she was worth everything even if she had rejected me, but he would never understand that. "And I'm late for work. Good to see you. Say hello to Mom for me."

That was that. He continued on his way, I went to work. The numbness eventually returned.

Sometime during that first year on my own, my focus changed. I felt stronger every day that I survived without the financial aid of my parents. I thrived, not constantly being made to feel like I was never good enough. And I found a direction I wanted to go in—teaching. I may never be a great historian, but I certainly could keep my passion for it through teaching it. Once I had a career goal, everything fell into place.

I got a better paying job at a coffee house, and picked up a second one as well, as a waiter. The tips were great, and I was able to afford a better housing arrangement when it was offered. One meticulously neat roommate in a two-bedroom apartment was much better than the flop house of druggies. It was closer to work, and much quieter for cramming when I got in at night.

I dated girls I wanted to date, whenever I wanted to date, loving the freedom of not having to clear them with anyone. The only problem there was that the girls soon discovered I was void of deep emotion. I was still courteous and respectful, and that earned me points. I was faithful. That was always appreciated. There were two factions of girls I wouldn't touch—church girls and brunettes. And okay, I only dated smart girls, so eventually they would grow tired of me committing fully to a physical relationship, but never giving my heart. I couldn't. I had mastered the ability to remain numb.

And I was content.

x – x – x

Over the holidays in my fourth year at U-Dub, a friend asked me to attend a mixer with her. Heidi was a sweet girl. We had gone out a few times, but not slept together. She was still in the 'friend' category, and would stay there because she knew I was emotionally unavailable. However, I was an excellent stand-in for events like this one. I was a bit envious—this was a Christmas party thrown by the principal of the school she had been placed in as a student teacher. I was left behind on placement since I switched majors and had some catching up to do. Now that I was on track, I just wanted to get on with it.

Heidi and I made our rounds through the group as she introduced me around. I was the ever-attentive date, as usual, never leaving her side. We were chatting with another couple when a small voice called out to me. I couldn't place the face, initially, but as she smiled wider at me, I got it.

"Bree?" I asked in astonishment.

"You remember me!"

"Of course I'd remember you! I almost didn't recognize you! You're what… thirteen, now?"

She nodded enthusiastically, her familiar giggle welcome to my ears. "I recognized your hair."

I rolled my eyes, chuckling. "Do you know, they wouldn't let me in with my ball cap on? True! And you're teaching already?" I teased. "You always were an over-achiever." We smiled fondly at each other as I felt Heidi tugging on my arm. "Forgive me, Heidi, this is an old friend of mine, Bree Tanner."

Heidi raised an eyebrow at me as she greeted Bree.

"Edward saved my life," Bree stated.

Heidi draped an arm around my waist and snuggled against me. "He's save mine a few times, too."

"No, he literally saved my life! I went back to see everyone. You were gone."

I blinked rapidly as I felt the slight burning twinge of the knife. "Mmm… yeah. I didn't finish the season. I'm glad you made it back to visit though. Everyone was very concerned."

Suddenly, Heidi had no choice but to let go of me—Bree's arms wrapped around me in a tight squeeze. "I never got to thank you."

Tenderly, I hugged her in return. "You're most welcome, Bree. I'd do it again, any day," I said softly.

"What did you do?" Heidi whispered in my ear once Bree left us.

I just shook my head. "Nothing. It was a job I had... It's a long story—"

"You do know who she is, don't you?"

We got interrupted by one of her co-workers who'd just arrived, and I'd have to wait to find out what she had meant by that. It wasn't a long wait. Bree came rushing back, tugging on a man's hand.

"Daddy, this is Edward!"

Bree's father had the same wide, dark eyes that always seemed curious, and more than a bit adventurous. His smile was just as generous as hers, as well. He looked like a remarkably kind man.

"Mr Tanner, it's a pleasure to meet you." I extended my hand. He clasped it with both hands as we shook.

"My, my… the elusive Edward Cullen. I tried to chase you down for almost a year, you know. And here you are. At my Christmas party! What are the odds?"

My eyebrows lifted in surprise. "This is your house?"

"Edward, Principal Tanner is my boss," Heidi informed me. "Hello, sir. Lovely party. Thank you so much for including me."

"You are quite welcome, my dear. And thank you, for bringing me this delight! You two are together?"

I grinned awkwardly, letting Heidi handle this as she saw fit.

"Edward is my date, yes." For emphasis, she clung to my arm, leaning into my side. "I wasn't aware that there was history."

The Tanners and I chuckled. The room was getting uncomfortably warm… or else, I was blushing. Fucksake… would I ever stop blushing? Stupid pale complexion.

"When Bree told me you were here, I was hoping you'd be one of the applicants invited! Pity… though I am pleased that you've found yourself a gal like Heidi. She's lovely. And a prized student teacher. I was fortunate to get her on my staff." He smiled amicably at my date. "What is it you're doing these days, son? Still in college?"

"Yes, sir. Last year. Or not… I started out majoring in history, but switched to education half-way through. It was tight, catching up, but I'll still manage to graduate on time. I didn't make it for placement for pre-residency, so I suppose I'll continue towards my master's, if I'm able—"

"Apply for this term!" he encouraged. "I've got openings—I'll take your information down myself! You've got an endorsement in history, that's your preference, I assume?"

I nodded. "It's my passion, yes. I can't be too particular though, can I?"

"And you've got emergency response training of course…" He chuckled as he slapped my shoulder. "And the luck of the Irish, dating Heidi. See me before you leave tonight. I owe you one."

Turning to Heidi, I saw her smile had faded somewhat. "Forgive me? I've been inattentive, I am very sorry." I spoke softly into her ear as I held onto her waist. "I'm all yours now. Care to get a drink?"

I had been well-trained for these gatherings. I knew how to read my date, and she wanted to present herself to her co-workers with the perfect escort. A gentleman always put his lady first. I proceeded to be the guy she wanted at her side, and if I came out of it with a placement for the upcoming term as well, all the better!

I was in my groove as the night went on, taking a new interest in everyone I met on the off chance that they may soon be my co-workers. I doubled up on the charm, as I'd been well-taught to do. I didn't even consider where it had come from—it was just in me.

With one simple introduction, my charm and dignity evaporated. I was dragged into a swirling pit that no amount of rope could pull me from.

"Edward? Hel-llllo!" Heidi chuckled at my side. "Are you with me? This is Bella Sw—"

"Bella," I said as my date did.

"Hi."

Time went on for all those around me. I was aware of glasses tipping to mouths, jokes being told, Heidi laughing and saying something to me or someone else… I had no idea. The only thing frozen in time with me was the vision of Bella. Right there. Live, and in person. In front of me. I wanted to drink her in—take note if she had aged at all, if her legs were bared, if she wore her hair shorter now. I wanted to memorize everything about her in case this was the only time I would ever see her again. I was unable to do any of that. Our eyes were locked.

I searched her eyes, begging them to tell me everything about the past two and a half years. Was she happy? Sad? Pissed off? They said a thousand different things to me, but I couldn't decipher any of it.

I was vaguely aware of Heidi tugging on me, but could not do a thing until Bella's eyes finally flicked away from mine. Then, I drank. Her dress was just above the knee. She wore simple black heels. Her arms were bared. The dress had a modest neckline. Her beautiful neck exposed, but not her cleavage. Good. Part of her hair was swept up, but it still looked long. One tendril refused to stay in the clip. I fought the urge to reach for it. She wore a hint of make-up, nothing to detract from her natural beauty. Her lips—

"Edward, my god! What is wrong with you?"

"S-sorry?" I turned to Heidi. "I'm sorry, you were saying…?"

"Okay. Do you two know each other?"

I stifled a snort. A sob. A scream. Yes! God, yes! "We… Bella and I—"

"Worked together. A long time ago," she finished for me.

The sound of her voice reached every nerve ending in my body. I was shaking. And pissing off my friend, who was also my date. I took a breath to attempt to control myself, and offered a weak grin. "It has been a long time."

"Has Bree seen you here?"

I smiled fully. I was capable of smiling! Amazing. I smiled even more over the fact that I was smiling at Bella. "Yes. We've spoken. She's all grown up!"

And then my world—the one where only Bella existed—moved. She smiled in return. "She really has."

"Oh! There's Maggie! She's dying to meet you. We have to go say hello. See you later, Bella?" Heidi tucked her arm in mine possessively and I stared back at my lost love as I went to meet someone I had no hope of remembering. Every memory of Bella that had been dulled with the numbing over time had returned. They hit me all at once, and I felt dangerously close to passing out. Fuck!

"I'm sorry… I have to…" I gripped Heidi's elbow, and spoke to her softly. "I need some air. I'll be right back."

Her face showed concern, along with annoyance. "I'll come with you."

"No, no… carry on. I'll just be a minute." And I dashed to the nearest exit.

If I was hoping for a reprieve, I should have looked for a different exit. Bella already occupied this exit. Her face was in her hands as she struggled to breathe. I knew just how she felt.

A/N ~ Now we have Edward's perspective of that last day. Was his reaction understandable? Is he forgiven? Thanks for reading! ~ SR