Tara was not having a good day. It seemed like it had been a while since that had happened. Not since meeting a certain redheaded woman. Everything had been going so well. She and Willow were spending time together and she had finally introduced Tara to her friends. They had hung out. Willow had even taken her to a Scooby meeting at Mr. Giles's house. She was useful. She had a place to be. Things were good.
And then Oz appeared.
She guessed she shouldn't have been surprised by the development. She knew it would happen, that it was only a matter of time. That was just that pattern her life had: things go well for a moment before everything comes tumbling down. After all, someone –something like her didn't deserve to be happy. Evil wasn't supposed to be rewarded. Besides, Willow deserved someone she could share her life with, she deserved to be loved. Oz could be that person.
Oz should be that person.
So when Tara heard the knock on the door she wasn't surprised but she still started in her chair before answering it. She stood and frantically wished that her heart would stop beating so loud. She took a deep breath to steady herself and willed her hand not to tremble as she turned the knob. Opening the door she noticed how uncomfortable Willow looked.
"Hi," Willow said awkwardly, picking at her fingernails unconsciously.
"Hi," Tara said back, her breath still a little shallow. Realizing that she that she was just staring at the redhead, Tara stepped aside to let Willow enter being careful to put some distance between them.
"I can only stay a minute, I have class," Willow explained. She sounded exhausted.
"Me too. I-I-I have class too," she said striving for normalcy but even to her ears it sounded stupid. Of course she had class. Willow didn't seem to notice the unnecessity of Tara's statement.
"I just wanted to let you know, what you saw this morning, it wasn't –"
"No, it's okay. I-I always knew that if he came back –" Tara cut her off quickly. She knew what this was, and why Oz had been in her room that morning, but Tara didn't think that she could take it if Willow actually told her what happened the night before. It was bad enough just having to imagine it.
"We were just talking," Willow said gently. "Nothing happened," she assured.
"Oh," Tara breathed. She couldn't help the hope from breaking her voice when she continued. "Really?"
Across from her Willow nodded before her expression quickly muddled again. "But, you know, it was intense. Just talking. We have a lot to talk about." Willow turned and walked further into the room.
"I kind of feel like my head's going to explode," she admitted.
The relief Tara felt moments before was swallowed by guilt. She needed to do what was right. This was her chance to let Willow free before anything else happened. Before she hurt her. She needed to give Willow an out so that she wouldn't feel guilty. It was better this way after all. Better now than…
Gathering her courage she said, "Whatever, you know, happens? I'll still be here. I'll still be your friend,"
"Of course we'll be friends" Willow cried out suddenly," That's not even a question." Her green eyes were wide and already shinning with tears, but Tara pressed on.
"But I'm saying, I know what Oz means to you..."
"How can you, when I'm not even sure?" Willow said looking away, seemingly moments away from crying. Without hesitation Tara stepped forward, wanting to provide whatever comfort she could.
"I mean, I know what he meant to me," Willow continued, "But he left. And everything changed. I changed. And then we..." Willow trailed off.
"What?" Tara asked desperately. They had never put into words what they were to each other before. Not in the months that they knew each other, practicing spells and sharing shy smiles. Not when they had first kissed or walked hand in hand through campus. Not even when they made love by candle-light had the two of them defined what they meant for each other. In that moment Tara didn't care if it was selfish or if it was going against her decision to let Willow go. Everything in her needed to know how the woman she had fallen in love with felt about them
"I don't know," Willow said, close to tears. "It's just …life was starting to get so good again, and you're a big part of that." Willow came closer and Tara could now see the teardrops collecting on her dark lashes. "And here comes the thing I wanted most of all. And I don't know what to do. I want to know. But I don't."
Tara resolute, reached up with one hand and caressed Willow's cheek. It came away wet.
"Do what makes you ha-happy."
Willow stepped forward and closed the gap between the two women. She sobbed as she pulled Tara closer to her. Automatically Tara wrapped her arms around the other girl's shoulders and began to stroke her hair. Even though she knew that she needed to let Willow go, that it was safer to stay away, no part of her could deny Willow the comfort that she so desperately needed…even if it was for the last time.
Tara shivered.
Wordlessly Willow pulled back just enough to drape the sweater she was wearing over Tara's shoulders.
"I should go," she said finally. Her hands were still on the blonde's shoulders and Tara reached up to squeeze them gently before releasing them. Tara watched her walk out the door and closed it as calmly as she could manage before she sunk down onto her bed and sobbed.