Chapter 10 – Hinc illae lacrimae

Notes: Title translation: Hence all those tears shed. I promised a few of you that the next chapter wouldn't be long in arriving in your inbox, so I hope this is quick enough! I'm picking the pace up a little (a lot XD) with this chapter, so I hope you guys don't mind. *noms on beta*

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Movement drew Thundercracker out of recharge as he was unused to sharing his berth with another mech. A small sob of terror had him wide awake instantly and he found Hound shaking in his arms, liquid glistening on his cheeks. Overriding concern had Thundercracker sitting up slightly, still holding the smaller mech to him, so Hound could see his face. Wide, blue optics met his and the seeker watched Hound relax slightly as he let out a noise of relief.

"You thought I was him didn't you?"

Hound froze, betraying his answer, before he nodded jerkily and Thundercracker felt guilt course through him at not being awake before Hound was.

"Don't…" Hound said shakily, seeing the way Thundercracker's expression changed. "I just… I knew… wasn't but… you're… behind me…and…"

The blue mech shushed him gently, understanding, and stroked his helm softly, before shifting position, climbing over Hound, careful not to jostle him, until he was lying facing him instead. "Better?"

Hound was still for a moment before inching forward to press himself against Thundercracker's chassis and nodding when the seeker couldn't see his face. The blue mech curled his arms around the other mech, thermal blanket and all, and quietly waited for Hound to make some move or sound, but eventually anxiousness and curiosity had Thundercracker speaking. "How are you feeling? Do you need some more painkillers?"

Hound shook his head, which the seeker guessed was at the second question, and he was about to ask his first one again when Hound whispered, "I feel… dirty. I'm making you dirty. You shouldn't…."

He started trying to push away from Thundercracker but the seeker was stronger and more determined to keep a hold of Hound than he was to get away.

"No you're not," Thundercracker told him firmly, but softly. "You're not dirty and you're not making me dirty."

Hound shivered, going back to clinging onto the seeker's front. He felt exposed and guilty, like this was his fault, that he'd encouraged it somehow. Thundercracker held him tightly and Hound was thankful he wasn't treating him like something fragile that was about to break, however much like he felt like that inside.

"Do you think you could manage getting to the wash room?" the seeker asked.

Hound thought about it for a moment, weighing up how he felt against how much the sound of cleaning away traces of the previous day appealed to him.

"Yes."

"Alright then." Thundercracker released him and sat up, sliding backwards off the berth. Hound slowly pushed his upper body up, wincing as more pressure was exerted onto his healing plates. Thundercracker's hands were still on him, though they were uselessly fluttering up and down his arms as the seeker was at a loss of how to help. Biting his lip Hound shifted his legs around until the hung off the berth. The pain had changed from an ache to little flashing stabs and the green mech knew, without a doubt, standing would be even worse.

Thundercracker was determined to do more so he placed Hound's hands on his shoulders and braced his own under the green elbow joints.

"When you're ready."

Hound nodded, shuttering his optics as he pulled himself forward. Pain flared up his body, making him cry out and stagger forwards, but the seeker caught him instantly and seemed to decide enough was enough. He abruptly picked Hound up, trying to ignore the way he whimpered, and carried him to the wash room. The smaller mech buried his face in the crook of Thundercracker's neck and just held on, riding out the waves of pain.

The blue flyer was gratefully that he'd had the voice activated controls installed as he ordered the floor to transform, taking away the wash rack to one side so the floor could part and sink. It formed a stepped pool which filled quickly with warm water. Thundercracker left out the cleansing solution because it would sting Hound's wounds and stepped down into the water until it swirled around his lower legs, covering the lowest step by just half a mechanometer. Gently Thundercracker set the injured mech down on this projection, wincing in sympathy at the small noises of pain he made.

"Is this ok?" Hound nodded, trying to get used to sitting and trying to let the warmth of the water soothe him. The seeker stood back up, glancing around. "I'll just get a cleaning cloth." He sloshed back to the other end of the pool to retrieve one from the shelves that were in handy reach before returning to Hound to find him with tears making wet tracks down his face plates. The cloth fell into the water as shock and empathic sadness welled up in Thundercracker.

"Hey, hey." Thundercracker knelt down in front of him, wiping at the tears on his face. "What's this for?"

"You broke me," Hound whispered.

"What?"

"When Starscream was… when he was… All I could think of was how I couldn't fight back because I'd hurt him and that would hurt you. I couldn't hurt you. No free mech thinks like that… No one let someone do that to them without a fight…You finally broke me in." More tears flowed down his cheeks.

"Hound no," the seeker shook his head. "How many slaves would tell their masters that? They wouldn't. You're not broken. Don't you think you could have thought like that because of what would happen to me, to my reputation, if I defended you? Because you know I would. That's the way mechs think when they care about someone." The green mech tried to turn his face away but Thundercracker refused to let him. "Answer me this then. Do you want to see Starscream prosecuted for what he did?"

Hound nodded jerkily.

"That's good then, because that means all I have to ask you is this. Could you stand in a court and give evidence?"

Hound looked at him then. "But my word doesn't mean anything in a court."

"It does if I pledge your word as mine. In essence it would be like Starscream attacked me, you are simply speaking in my place, though the weight of the sentence won't be as great," the seeker explained.

"But that's… If I lied or said anything that… It would hurt you so badly," Hound realised.

Thundercracker gave him a gentle smile. "I don't think I need worry about that do I? Can you do it? Starscream will be there."

Hound shuttered his optics as he thought. The idea of seeing the abusive seeker again sent shudders of fear through him, but if he was getting a chance to speak for himself, to have his words heard, then it would be like he was free. It would be an illusion, but he could live with that, use that to face Starscream again. He opened his optics and nodded.

"Good." The blue mech smiled fiercely before his expression faltered slightly.

"What?" Hound asked warily.

"I want to kiss you. I would have done it before, without thinking," Thundercracker admitted before growling. "Starscream's got a lot to answer for."

Hound leant forward and pressed his lips to the seeker's before he could start on a tirade. The seeker kissed him back, but didn't seek to deepen the contact nor hold it when Hound moved back.

"I never let him do that," the green mech whispered. "It's not… tainted."

Thundercracker froze for a brief instant and Hound saw that burning rage in his optics again. Somehow, that made him feel a little safer. Somewhere inside, he knew Thundercracker would never have let Starscream touch him if he'd been close enough to prevent it. Hound was all broken up inside, with that safe place everyone carries inside them blown wide open, leaving him alone and exposed. His defences had been badly battered through the loss of his freedom but the seeker crouched in front of him had begun to help patch those hurts.

Hound didn't have an excess of pride, but he had enough that it was hard to admit that the mech that owned him could do that, could mean anything like that to him. The green mech dropped his gaze to his hands and shuddered slightly. He did have to admit it though, because otherwise he would have never have let Starscream do what he did.

"No more thinking," Thundercracker's voice told him firmly. "I can see it on your face. Let's get you cleaned up and back on that berth."

The seeker picked up the cloth he'd dropped when Hound had broken down and set to cleaning the green metal. He started at his pedes and worked his way up, bypassing the upper thighs, crotch and hips plates entirely, without asking. Hound slowly relaxed under the gentle, circular motions, letting his optics shutter in trust and he drifted, not thinking until the flyer called his name softly.

"Hound, you awake?" He blinked a couple of times and nodded. "Do you want me to clean the rest of you or do you want to do it?"

Thundercracker was holding out the cleaning cloth between them and Hound took it hesitantly. He couldn't clean himself properly sitting down and he'd only really just got used to the pain in this position. Either way, he was going to have to stand up. Hound looked down at the seeker still kneeling at his pedes and handed back the cloth before reaching out to put his hands on the top of the white intakes. They were just the right height for him to lean on when he was standing, but the green mech knew he would have to be careful not to tighten his grip too much as they were sensitive.

The blue flyer didn't protest at being used as a prop. He just steadied himself as the other mech used him to haul himself to his pedes, though it was hard to remain still when Hound whimpered in pain. The green mech swayed slightly, optics shuttered tightly as he fought against the pain that made him want to sit right back down again. Neither of them said anything for a klik until Thundercracker asked, "Hound, you ok?"

All he got was a tiny shake of the head but he took that as his go to start cleaning. Tentatively Thundercracker wiped down the white thighs and then the front of the black hips, trying to be very gentle and not knock Hound in any way, but he also knew he'd have to turn Hound around to get at the back, which was where the most damage had been inflicted. The smaller mech seemed to realise that too and shuffled awkwardly around, still clinging to one of Thundercracker's intakes, in the end leaving him side on to the seeker.

The cracks, scratches and dents were still startlingly vivid on the black plates of Hound's aft and it took a lot of the blue flyer's control not to let that fury rise again. He didn't know exactly what had happened before he'd gotten to the room but the marks told their own story, which Thundercracker's imagination played to well enough. Starscream had crossed a line that he knew Thundercracker had but the blue seeker hadn't realised he would react like this. He would have been angry had it been any slave under Starscream's hands, but see Hound like that, pinned to the wall, suffering, had made Thundercracker's world go black with rage. Vaguely he'd been surprised he hadn't beaten Starscream to a mess pulp on the floor right then and there, but Hound was infinitely more important.

Without realising it Thundercracker reached out a softly stroked Hound's aft, sad because he'd always loved that part of his chassis, but the flinch from the green mech shocked the flyer back into reality.

"Slag, I'm sorry Hound. I didn't mean…"

"It's ok," the other mech's voice was quiet. "I didn't mean to... do that either."

Thundercracker got to his pedes to look at Hound's face closely. Tight, tired optics met his and the seeker could see the haunted look beneath the surface.

"C'mon, let's get you some pain meds and back into recharge."

Hound nodded and didn't even protest when Thundercracker picked him back up, striding back out of the pool and into his berth room, uncaring about the wet prints he left behind him. He settled Hound down on his side on the berth before fetching one cube of energon and his medication that was placed on a tray next to the berth. Someone had been in whilst they'd been in the wash room to leave the energon and Hound hadn't once heard them. The seeker sat on the berth next to Hound, measuring out the green liquid into the energon according to Ratchet's instructions, before handing the cube to Hound. He watched the green mech drink, insisting he take it all, despite the lingering aftertaste and then sat with him until he fell into recharge.

The mega-cycles past that way; Thundercracker doing all he could for Hound as he recharged and refuelled his way through his recovery until he was well enough to start moving around. At first he didn't leave the two innermost rooms of Thundercracker's chambers, which they pretended was at the seeker's insistence that he didn't over stretch himself, but in reality it was because both of them didn't want to face up to that moment where Hound had to confront the place he'd been attacked. They both knew it would have to dealt with soon, but the seeker was doing his best to get Hound back to the mech he'd been before the attack, or as close to it as he could get, before they tried.

Hound couldn't express how grateful he was to Thundercracker, especially when he could smile again. The seeker treated him just like he guessed he would if he was his bonded partner, caring for his every need, despite Hound's protests. Thundercracker couldn't be dissuaded from it and had once, quietly, admitted that he enjoyed doing it, but that had come close to touching on a few home truths neither of them was willing to bring up yet.

In the end it had been a game, a hologram and laughter that brought Hound those last few steps into the outer most room. He barely registered where he was as he sought to decorate the seeker with holographic pictures, made more difficult by the fact Thundercracker wasn't going to stand still to let him do it. The blue flyer eventually conceded defeat, but stole a kiss from Hound as his reward. As the green mech smiled up at him Thundercracker whispered, "I'm proud of you, you know that right?"

Hound looked away, embarrassed, and stared across the room from the safety of the other mech's arms.

"It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I think there are too many good memories in here for one bad one to ruin it."

"Mmm," the seeker murmured, resting his chin on the top of Hound's helm. "Very good memories."

The smaller mech stayed quiet, lost in his own thoughts. Before Starscream he had been scared of letting himself get closer to Thundercracker, of it being more than interfacing. Afterwards, now, the blue flyer had never stopped caring for him and he had ended up closer regardless. The recharging together had happened because Hound couldn't face his nightmares alone, along with all the other little things Hound hadn't let them do together before. It had been almost a relief to have the other mech fall into the role of carer, to take that burden off Hound so he could fight his own demons with someone at his side silently encouraging him.

Now Hound realised that whilst he was still worried about his relationship with the seeker, he knew it know longer terrified him to let Thundercracker in closer. The flyer had been right, he no longer treated Hound in any way like a slave; even in company he asked Hound to do something, instead of ordering him. He sought out excuses to keep Hound with him, to be in his presence and the green mech was beginning to realise he liked being held so high in Thundercracker's esteem.

Hound turned his face up to the other mech, making Thundercracker move so he could see his face. The affection clearly showing in the seeker's face made Hound wonder how he could care so much for Hound when he knew he'd been deliberately difficult, obtuse and had kept secrets. The fact that this warmth had stood up to a seriously traumatic experience made Hound almost feel guilty. He'd offered so little back to the seeker, never making the first move, holding them back from going any further into their relationship. Now he felt like he should, he could.

"I'm tired," Hound murmured. "Would you mind…?"

"Of course not," the blue mech nodded. "I think this has been your longest, most active day in a long time."

Hound smiled slightly and stepped back from Thundercracker, heading back towards the berthroom, trailed closely by the seeker. He was aware that the other mech could be no where near tired, yet still accompanied him and the green mech was grateful he didn't have to ask for him to come with him. They got to the berth, which Hound stared at for a nano-klik before turning around to Thundercracker and studying him.

"What?" Thundercracker asked, bemused at Hound's behaviour.

"I haven't had chance to say thank you properly." Hound held out his hands to Thundercracker to stop him as he went to complain. "You've done more than you had to. No master shares his berth with an injured guard or aide. No master bathes them. I need to thank you." The green mech bowed his head as he knelt down at Thundercracker's pedes. "My lord."

Thundercracker stiffened. Hound never called him that, had never crossed the line beyond sir and the seeker hadn't argued with it, but now it was like those words turned Thundercracker into pure lust. Coupled with Hound's display of submissiveness, the bigger mech was instantly aware of the heat rising within him. He would have thought it wrong, before, to see his normally vibrant personality like this, but because Hound was doing this just for him, it was a massive turn on Thundercracker didn't realise he had.

"Hound," he rumbled.

The green mech looked up at him without really raising his head. "I am healed my lord."

"You don't have to do this…" Thundercracker fought against the urge to grab the mech at his pedes, but he wanted so badly.

"I want to." Hound climbed to his pedes, keeping his head lowered. He stepped back to the berth and slid onto it before he laid back on it, spreading his legs. Thundercracker growled as he watched the mech slide open his interface port and dip a single digit into it. When he withdrew it, the black surface glistened. "See my lord? I am ready for you."

Thundercracker trembled, optics shuttering. Hound couldn't know what he was doing to the seeker…

"I've missed you." Hound's voice was soft and pleading. "Please."

That broke every resistance in Thundercracker. He was on the berth, looming over Hound in a nano-second. Hound ran his hands down either side of his chest, optics meeting his and Thundercracker could see the need for him burning in them. The seeker gritted his denta as those clever hands teased at sensitive transformation seams. His desire was building too fast for his control to last.

"Hound… If you keep that up… I'm… I'm just going to take you," Thundercracker admitted, in between gasps of pleasure.

"Yes," the green mech murmured. "Take me. Banish the memory of him, please."

Thundercracker dipped his head to kiss Hound, to stop him bringing Starscream into the conversation. Both of Hound's hands caught his helm, holding his head where it was and it was a desperate thing they shared. Thundercracker captured the black hips in his hands, holding them down, as he lined himself up. He thrust into Hound, arching his back so he didn't have to break the kiss but still get the power behind it. The green mech cried out into the kiss, hips trying to push up into the intrusion and his hands clamped down over Thundercracker's aft.

As the seeker began to find his rhythm, he moved his fingers over the front of Hound chassis, stroking softly. He broke away from Hound's mouth, lifting his head enough to meet those blue optics. Something there made him change his position slightly, bracing his weight on one arm next to the green helm, still moving his hips, forcing little noises from Hound's vocaliser. The blue flyer gently ran his free fingers over Hound's cheek, which made the mech beneath him shutter his optics.

"Hey, look at me," Thundercracker called softly and Hound opened them again. "You feel that?" He deepened the angle of thrust, making Hound cry out, fingers tightening on his aft. "That's me and it's always going to be me."

"Thunder…cracker…" Hound stuttered. "Please."

The seeker stared at Hound. He had never before heard the green mech say his name, not to him, and he didn't realise how good it felt to have him say it. He drove himself a little harder into Hound, shuddering as the overload he'd been pushing to the back of his CPU in favour to making Hound feel better was suddenly trying to overwhelm him.

"Hound," the seeker gritted out before he caught him up in a kiss. Black hands urgently stroked seams and teased at wires as the pair of mechs sought to make the other overload first. Thundercracker tried to be gentle with Hound, to be different than his last experience which was all about power and dominance, but he struggled to remember that when those black hands were driving him to distraction.

Hound could tell the seeker was doing his best to comfort him and the green mech hadn't realised, until Thundercracker had touched his face like that, that he desperately needed not only this physical assurance, but the emotional one too. He had thought, over the past deca-cycle since his attack, that he had gotten that, but to see the seeker trying to be so caring, in the midst of interfacing, changed something in Hound's spark and it scared him, badly, but his body was too far gone for him to protest.

"Primus Hound you…" Thundercracker threw back his head, optics shuttering as he fought against overload.

Hound made a low noise in his vocaliser at the sight of the seeker arched out above him and his overload slammed through him, catching him by surprise, forcing the other mech's name from his lips. "Thundercracker!"

The blue mech's response was instantaneous. He overloaded with a cry at the sound of his own name coming from the mech beneath and Hound watched him as he rode out his own overload, marvelling yet again at how beautiful it made the seeker. Thundercracker sagged back down against him when his energy left him and Hound wrapped his arms around him, holding him close, so that Thundercracker couldn't see the expression in his face. The one where he was struggling not to panic at how much he needed the other mech and just how much his world revolved around anything the seeker did.

Hound wasn't stupid. He knew Thundercracker cared deeply for him, he'd known that before Starscream had attacked him, but he'd been ignoring his own feelings because it tore him up inside. It was like the two halves of him were at war. His CPU demanded he push Thundercracker away because he was a Master, someone who supported the system Hound had been trying to bring down, but his spark was telling him exactly the opposite. It ached when the seeker wasn't around and it sang when he was close. He had always been a sensible mech, when it came down to difficult decisions, but he'd never felt like this about anyone before and wished it could have been anyone else, rather than the one mech that confused him more than he ever thought possible.