Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. On a side note, the random little girl and her mother are my OCs, but are simply just there for humor.

'Hmm…something's different this morning, yeah.' Deidara thought as he woke up. It was different that morning, Tobi usually woke up first and left. Now that Deidara knew why Tobi woke up so early it also explained why most of the time Madara was always there first.

Deidara smirked. Yes, this morning was different because he didn't have to go see Madara. Madara was here right next to him in bed. Tobi was right next to Deidara in bed. Of course it didn't matter, Tobi and Madara were the same person.

'I found out yesterday…yeah.' thought Deidara, blushing when he remembered that was not the only thing that happened yesterday.

"Wake up. I know you're faking sleep…yeah."

A single obsidian colored eye opened in response to Deidara's voice.

"How did you know?" asked a drowsy voice.

"You thought I wasn't paying attention when you sneaked those kisses, hmm? Well I was faking sleep too, un."

"Guilty as charged. Regardless, no matter how much I would like to lie in bed with you all day…now that we are both awake we should get dressed."

"Why, hmm?"

"Remember when we performed? It has been a few days right?"

"The wish! I remember, yeah. Well, I have one more secret to tell you…un."

Tobi listened intently as Deidara explained the details.

"It sort of looks like a scorpion…"

"Hell no! It looks like a spider."

"You just can't appreciate art!"

"It's just a freaking crack in the wall!"

"Kakuzu, what do you think?"

Kakuzu sighed, 'We really have gone insane, haven't we?' he thought.

They might have since Sasori and Hidan have succumbed to boredom to the point they studied cracks in the walls to see what they resembled.

'Yes. You have gone insane.' a little voice in Kakuzu's mind replied. 'And the fact you are relying on a voice in your head to answer your questions proves it.'

"Scorpion!"

"Spider!"

'Good. If they kill each other I can have some peace.' thought Kakuzu. 'But then I would have no company…'

'Except me.' replied the same voice in his head.

"Alright, who the hell are you?!"

'The Monopoly Man.'

"Get out of my head!"

Sasori and Hidan stopped arguing to look at Kakuzu strangely, his random outbursts were a little frightening.

"What are you looking at?!" Kakuzu yelled. "I your faces, I own Park Place!"

Hidan punched the wall with his fist and cringed in pain, his knuckles now bleeding.

"What does it effing look like now, huh?!"

"Your mom." Sasori smirked.

"I own that too." Kakuzu cackled insanely.

Hidan took two deep breaths, sure there wasn't exactly room for creativity since his weapons were confiscated but by the time he was through even Jashin-sama would not be able to identify their mangled bodies.

"You're goin' down, Pinocchio!"

"Nnooo! He doesn't have life insurance!" Kakuzu wailed, clinging to Hidan's leg.

"I don't give an effing crap filled damn!"

"Your mother would be very upset to hear you say such language, Hidan."

"ARGH!"

Before a triple homicide could be committed, prison door was opened to reveal a person.

That person being Shizune, who opened the door to find three lunatics at each others throats.

Of course the only words she could think of were, "Hey, that crack sort of looks like your mom, Tonton!"

Tonton snorted to express agreement.

"Good news, you three are free to go!"

"Nani?!(What)" Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan said simultaneously.

"Here we are." Sasori said with evident exhaustion. "It was kind them to let us off easy like that…"

"As if!" scoffed Hidan. "Sure, we got out of that crappy hellhole called jail but we still have to do community service."

"It can't be that bad." Kakuzu commented. "They said we have to do community service at a place called Sarutobi's. Are you sure this is it, Sasori?"

"Positive."

"Why would you two wish for the freedom of criminals?" Itachi asked, he obviously expected an answer. As usual he was seated at his throne, Sasuke and Sakura stood at his left and right. Tobi and Deidara were in his line of sight, fidgeting nervously.

"I'm pretty sure Deidara-chan has a good reason…" Sakura said uncertainly.

"Like?"

Sakura looked at Sasuke expectantly, as if he could pull an excuse out of thin air. Sakura was not sure why Tobi and Deidara wished what they did but she did not want them to get into trouble.

Sasuke just shrugged apologetically.

"Itachi-sama!" Zabuza and Haku marched into the room unannounced.

"We have identified them. They are the three of the four thieves that tried to ambush us when we delivered the clay phoenix!" stated Zabuza.

'What? Why would they wish for the freedom of the thieves that could have ruined their wedding day?' thought Sakura in confusion.

'Three out of four?' thought Sasuke

"Three out of four?" Itachi said what Sasuke was just thinking.

'Crap.' thought Deidara worriedly, instinctively he tried to hide behind Tobi.

Tobi smiled reassuringly as if to say 'It'll be alright,' although he wasn't so sure himself.

"I thought there were four thieves. I wasn't so sure then but I am now…Deidara is the fourth thief and she just requested the freedom of her comrades!" Haku pointed at Deidara accusingly.

"What?!" Itachi frowned. "That can't be…wait a minute…" Itachi chewed some dango thoughtfully, 'That would explain her behavior…' It was like a jigsaw puzzle was being constructed in his mind, everything clicked into place. "Is this true?! Explain yourself!" Itachi demanded.

"No." Deidara lied.

"Oh, then you wouldn't mind if I call the authorities and throw them back into jail?"

"Yeah…it's true." admitted Deidara in defeat.

A vein throbbed in Itachi's forehead, he was probably close to having a heart attack or go insane with rage. "I…can…not…allow this! What happened to the real hanayome, Ino Yamanaka?" he rose out of his seat and pointed at Zabuza and Haku. "Escort her out of my property!"

Sasuke and Sakura stood in Zabuza and Haku's path.

"Sasuke? Sakura? What are you doing?!" shrieked Itachi.

"Give Tobi-kun a chance to talk!" Sakura insisted.

"I refuse to give hi-her up!" Tobi hugged Deidara protectively.

"What did you say?!" Itachi growled.

"No…I refuse to give her up. Deidara is mine. My hanayome…and my wife."

"Think logically, Tobi!" Itachi sighed in exasperation. "Foolish little brother! Don't you understand? You must divorce her! We can't taint the family tree with the likes or her…ugh, a lowly thief! Don't you understand? Everything can be right again! Just divorce her and then I can find you a more suitable hanayome again."

"Ni-san, you're the one who forced Tobi into this marriage in the first place now you want to force him out of it and into another one? At least give him a chance to make his own decision!" Sasuke objected.

"My decision remains the same. Divorce that lowly commoner!" Itachi was not changing his mind.

"No." Tobi repeated.

"It would be irresponsible of me. I cannot divorce Deidara, not now because…Deidara, Deidara is bearing my child!"

"What?!" Itachi began to hyperventilate, any more surprises and he might just have a heart attack.

He was not the only one that yelled 'what?!' in surprise, basically everyone in the room did except for Tobi.

Deidara yelled 'what?!' the loudest of all, he then began choking Tobi angrily, "You better be kidding, un!" he hissed into Tobi's ear.

"I-I am. Ju-Just play along." he whispered back with difficulty.

"Shouldn't you be the most happy?" Sakura asked, wondering why Deidara was treating Tobi like that. 'I can't believe it, they beat Sasuke and I to it?'

"Oh, I am, yeah. I'm so happy I'm strangling him in joy, un!"

"Despite your background I guess I have no choice. I can't kick out two members of the Uchiha clan." Itachi said hesitantly. "I should call the Uchiha clan's chief family doctor here so he can confirm whether or not Deidara really is bearing the heir to the Uchiha clan. I'll let her stay if that's the case…but if it isn't…"

"Congratulations!" A strange man with long white, gray hair tied up in a pony tail who wore glasses stopped taking Deidara's pulse to shake Tobi's hand vigorously.

Deidara grabbed Tobi and dragged him to a secluded corner of the room, "I thought you said you were kidding, un! That's it, I'm not letting you screw me ever again! How can this even happen, hmm?" Deidara began to hold back choked sobs.

"I am kidding, honestly…" Tobi said reassuringly, caressing Deidara tenderly.

"Don't touch me, un!" Deidara growled, pushing Tobi away to break out of the embrace. "What do you mean you're kidding? A trained doctor with a diploma just told me that I have your child, yeah!"

"No, he's lying. I knew sooner or alter your background would be discovered so I took precautions. I knew there was no way ni-san would allow you to stay in the clan so I preyed on the one thing he cared about the most. To revive the Uchiha clan, so I…"

Flashback

"Nine hundred ninety-nine, and a thousand! This should do it." Tobi handed over a wad of cash over to the family doctor. "Thanks for your help Dr. Yakushi."

"Please, just call be Kabuto." The man grabbed the cash eagerly, his glasses failing to hide the greed in his eyes.

"So do we have an understanding, Kabuto? Do you understand what you must do?"

"Yes, I understand."

End Flashback

"Oh." Deidara paused before swiftly kicking Tobi in the shins.

"What was that for?!"

"Let me in on your plans next time, un! Ugh, if the doctor had been serious, hmm…so I don't really have your child?"

"No. But just pretend to, if you don't you'll have to leave the clan…and I don't want to lose you."

"Let's end this conversation before people get suspicious, yeah."

Meanwhile behind them Itachi jumping up and down in joy. He shook Sasuke violently, screaming, "Oh my kami! You're going to be an uncle! And your going to be an aunt!" He pointed at Sakura. Itachi paused before looking at himself, "I'm going to be an uncle!" Then he skipped over to Tobi and yelled, "You're going to be a father!!" He then stopped, fell to the ground and took out his inhaler. "We must celebrate…that's it! We're going to Sarutobi's restaurant! The bill's on me!"

Sasori stopped what he was doing suddenly and began to laugh uncontrollably. Likewise Kakuzu began to crack up to, unfortunately this distracted them from their current task.

"Why were you laughing?" Kakuzu asked Sasori.

"No idea. Why did you laugh?" Sasori shot back.

"I have no idea either. Something must have happened."

"Great. Now we have to clean up this mess. I got flour all over the floor…and myself too." Sasori sighed in disdain, examining his flour covered attire.

"I am not wearing that fugly ass costume!"

"I don't like the looks of this one. He swears an awful lot…"

"Go to hell, old man! Just you wait, I'll sacrifice you to Jashin!"

"…and threatened to kill me at least three times ever since he got here."

"You're right." Kurenai instantly agreed with Asuma. "The other two seemed okay. I don't understand why they went into jail in the first place but this one is definitely rotten."

"Look, if you don't do any work you'll go back to jail." Asuma said threateningly, he tossed over an outfit to the white haired man that was the subject of this conversation.

"Fine." Hidan growled in defiance but wore the costume anyway.

"Eat at Sarutobi's! Our prices are so freaking low you would think we are bananas!" To emphasize his point Hidan pranced around in his monkey suit before tossing flyers to random people walking by.

'That's it. One of these days I'm gonna murder that effing old man. Making me wear a monkey costume…'

"Mommy, is that Bigfoot?" asked a little girl passing by.

"No, dear." replied the girl's mother.

"Then what is he? A gorilla?"

"Listen, brat. I'm not Bigfoot or a gorilla! Got that?"

"Mommy told me not talk to strangers, and my name is not brat. You shouldn't talk to strangers either, hasn't your mommy ever told you not to speak to stranger, monkey man?"

Hidan yelled in rage before charging at the girl and her mother. Luckily the suit was too heavy and he couldn't catch up to them as they ran. The last words he heard were, "Mommy, do monkeys have mommies too?"

'What the hell?' Hidan could not believe his eyes as he saw the group of people that entered Sarutobi's. He was almost glad he was in the monkey outfit, Deidara did not recognize him.

"Take the next table's order."

"But I'm not a waiter." Sasori complained, dropping the towel he was holding into a bin of water. He had barely begun cleaning flour off himself.

"There's a shortage and this place is packed. Just go."

"Alright." Sasori sighed, he took a piece of paper and a pen before leaving the kitchen.

000000

"C-Crap!" Deidara squeaked in surprise before cowering behind Tobi.

"What's the matter?" Tobi asked, allowing Deidara to use him as a shield.

"It's Sasori-no-danna's ghost, yeah. He's coming back to haunt me because he got captured and I failed to save everyone. What the hell, hmm? I thought you said they all got freed, un!" Deidara whispered angrily.

"They did! I don't understand. He can't be a ghost, that's ridiculous."

"We'll see…hmm. Just don't let him see me!" Deidara sunk father away from view behind Tobi.

"Are you done deciding, yet?" Sasori grumbled impatiently. He was never patient, he hated to make people wait for him and for people to make him wait. Absentmindedly he face palmed, causing a few clouds of flour to fall down onto the woman who was currently flipping through the menu.

"Please sir, if you would just wait…" Sakura flipped through the menu again and frowned in disdain as flour fell onto her outfit. "If you would just stop fidgeting, you're getting flour all over my new dress! Geez, I never knew this place had such incompetent waiters. Especially a klutz covered in flour." Sakura paused to hold her nose. "And you smell like jail cell."

"Quite frankly miss you don't smell like roses yourself. Now would you hurry up and order?"

"Of course not. She smells like cherry blossoms." Sasuke interpreted. "And your not being very professional to your costumers."

"I think I'll have…"

Sasori waited impatiently for Sakura to say her order but she did not finish her statement, instead she skimmed through the menu again.

Sasori growled in irritation before a voice came out saying, "I'll have cat hairballs." He had imitated Sakura's voice almost flawlessly due to the practice he got from playing with dolls…er, puppets.

"What?" Sasuke gasped in surprise.

"I didn't say that!" protested Sakura, looking through the menu. "It isn't even on the menu!"

Sasori smirked, saying in his normal voice, "Okay, cat hairballs it is."

"I did not order that!" Sakura repeated, her fist glowing a dangerous blue. She glared at Sasori. "Wise guy, huh?"

A random person from a nearby table yelled, "Fight!"

"Don't hurt me." he peeped weakly. "I break easily, just ask my grandma. I'm pretty sure you would understand, you're probably a grandma too."

Inner Sakura's thoughts were something like this, 'Did he just say I'm old?! That's it! He's dead, SHANNARO!'

Before Sasori was beaten to a pulp and really be dead, he was promptly pulled away by other restaurant workers before Sakura could deal the first blow.

"Sorry about that! We'll send another waiter to your table, okay?" apologized one of the other workers.

"Is he gone, hmm?" Deidara asked, confused by the commotion that had taken place.

"Yes, and that wasn't a ghost."

"Hmm?"

Tobi pointed at the flour covered table. "I'm pretty sure the flour is real and so is Sakura's anger." He gestured towards Sakura who was still steaming. Everyone back away a little as she karate chopped a table in half. She had to beat the crap out of something made out of wood.

"Sasori-no-danna is still alive, hmm? Yeah. But then where's Kakuzu and Hidan…?" Deidara stopped whispering to Tobi and reluctantly stopped hiding.

The two waiters that appeared were Sai and Ino, only without their disguises this time.

Itachi gasped in surprise after their orders were taken, "I-Ino Yamanaka?!"

"Eep!" Ino promptly hid behind Sai. "No! I'm not going back."

"Ino is mine." Sai stated this as a fact because it was.

"Fine. So be it." Itachi huffed. "There is no need for you anyway. Tobi has a more competent hanayome. In fact today we are here to celebrate the fact the fact his wife is expecting!"

Ino blinked in surprise, "So no one's mad at me for running away? We don't have to wear disguises anymore!" Ino laughed happily before hugging Sai.

"Congrats." Sai said, his smile actually showing a true shred of happiness for Tobi and Deidara.

Ino shook Deidara's hand only to have a handful of slobber.

"Ew, I mean…er," In a lower voice Ino whispered to Deidara, "Thank you for taking my place. I'm so happy!"

Deidara smiled back, "I am happy too, yeah."

Said and Ino skipped into the kitchen to deliver the order to the chefs. Unfortunately they were not the only ones that had heard the lie Deidara had a child. Behind Sai and Ino a man covered in whose flour covered hair revealed a spark of red was hiding behind a man in a monkey suit. Next to him was a man whose two glowing eyes were the only things not covered by his masked face, he was counting money.

"Holy cow! I told you I effing saw him!"

"It really is Deidara! But didn't you hear what that guy said? Who's wife is expecting? Crap, don't tell me they're talking about…?"

"Seven hundred eighty eight." Kakuzu paused to join in the conversation. "Who knows? Go over there and find out. It can't be Deidara, how is that even possible?"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Geez. Deidara is a bit girly but wouldn't it be going too far to say it's actually possible for him to be…ugh, I can't even say it."

"Let's go over there and find out ourselves." Kakuzu said, offering a plan.

"No way. Do you see that girly girl?"

"Deidara?" Hidan asked.

"No. The one with cotton candy pink hair!"

"How the hell did 'cotton candy' get into your dictionary?"

"Well I wouldn't go over there because she will probably kick my ass."

"Be a man, Sasori! You're such a effing can of bull crap, listen to yourself! You're afraid of a girl?"

"You're right. I'll never be as much of a man as your mo-"

Kakuzu promptly stomped on Sasori's foot so he couldn't complete his statement.

"Ow!"

"We'll go over there and find out ourselves." Kakuzu growled, it was a miracle Sasori was still alive.

"Cheers!" Everyone followed Itachi's example and raised their glasses. "To the next generation of the Uchiha clan! I'm pretty sure Deidara will be a good mother."

"D-did he just say Deidara was going to be a mother?!" Sasori deadpanned.

"Remember what we discussed?" asked Kakuzu.

All in all it was a pretty eventful day. Even more so when Tobi was attacked by a gorilla and Deidara was being led away by a ghost.

"Well this is familiar…yeah."

Stuck in a random kitchen pantry again.

Sasori could not stop laughing, either that or it was the flour and he was coughing.

"So you're not a ghost, hmm?"

"I am a ghost, Deidara. And this is all a dream." Sasori said solemnly.

"Really, hmm?"

"No. Of course I'm real!" Sasori snapped. "So. We have a lot of catching up to do. Explain yourself. Who knows? Maybe I will learn the ancient secret of how guys can get pregnant! Kakuzu can publish a book and get freaking rich!"

Deidara absentmindedly jiggled the door knob, "The sign says PUSH…yeah."

"It does…wait, when did you learn how to read? Or was that a fluke and you simply guessed?"

"That can says SALT." Then Deidara pointed at the bag of stuff Sasori was sitting on. "That says RAT POISON, un."

Sasori stood up in surprise, "You're changing the subject."

Deidara sighed and began his long narrative, conveniently editing out a few details like everything about Madara.

"And that's why I have to pretend to be pregnant…yeah."

Sasori must have only heard half of what Deidara had said because he laughed through the entire thing.

"It's not funny, un!"

"Okay. I'll stop laughing." Sasori halted briefly and became serious. "Are you really happy like this?"

"Yeah."

"C'mon. We have to stop Hidan before he sacrifices your husband to Jashin. We'll probably go back to jail for that…"

Sasori returned to the table to find that Hidan and was not after Tobi but Itachi. Kakuzu was nonchalantly tugging Tobi's sleeve, saying comments like, "What material is this?"

"Dango is crap!" Hidan yelled.

"No it isn't! Banana brains!" Itachi yelled back. "Monkeys have no appreciation for human food."

"I'm not a monkey!"

"I'm pretty sure your mom was."

Hidan turned around at the familiar sound of Sasori's voice. Hidan grudgingly walked over to Sasori as Deidara returned to Tobi's side and Kakuzu walked over to Sasori too.

"I'm really sorry. My friend is not right in the head. You see, his mother was a monkey." Hidan growled and shoved a fork into Sasori's back, which Sasori ignored.

"Figures. They're with him." Sakura grumbled. She had a bad opinion of Sasori and even worse so of his comrades.

Sasori yanked Kakuzu and Hidan by the sleeves and dragged them toward the kitchen, where he would relay to them what Deidara had told him.

A few days passed by somewhat peacefully. Kakuzu fixed things with the monkey costume. Hidan didn't have to wear it. Shirtless Hidan attracted way more people to Sarutobi's restaurant.

Way more.

Sasori was a chef at Sarutobi's because of community service but later he worked their full time instead. Because Sasori had a job Kakuzu and Hidan were rethinking what they should do for a living. Stealing again was out of the question. So they stopped stealing and got permanent jobs too, like Sasori. They ended up renting separate rooms at an inn close to the restaurant. At the restaurant a rivalry formed between Sasori and Sai. Who was the better chef and whose cooking creations can be called art and the such.

Conversations would most likely go along the lines of this…

"Mine is bigger."

"Well, mine is pointier."

"Let's show them to Ino."

"Okay."

For your information they were talking about kitchen knifes.

Unlike usual, instead of ignoring Deidara, Itachi was surprisingly nice. Despite Itachi's hospitality Deidara was mean in return. Deidara found out that he hated being pregnant, even if it was fake. Phrases like, "No! You can't eat that! It's bad for the baby!" came out of Itachi's mouth a lot. He monitored almost everything Deidara did or ate. In response Deidara annoyed Itachi by cart wheeling across the room. This would be followed by the words, "No! Don't do that! It's bad for the baby!" Several times Deidara would grow extremely irritated since he couldn't eat his favorite foods.

"No, don't eat dango. It's bad for the baby!"

"Well you get to eat it, un! Why can't I, hmm? If I can't eat it you can't either!"

Itachi agreed to go cold turkey after Deidara threatened to take up smoking, drinking, or both.

"Deidara, isn't this going to far?" Tobi asked apprehensively.

"No, I'm just going to let that weasel fry for a while, that's all...yeah. Shouldn't hurt him too much, hmm?"

"But I'm worried about ni-san's mental health more than his physical health. He keeps on staying in his room…knitting."

"Knitting, hmm?"

"Yes, he keeps out stitching outfits for the baby. That can't be good for his eyes. He's starting to scare me. He locks himself in the bathroom playing peek-a-boo with the mirror…and when did ni-san stop eating dango?"

"I wonder how that happened, hmm?" Deidara said uneasily.

"How? That's what I'm wondering! Now all he eats is cold turkey."

"That's nothing to be afraid of, un."

"I know but I'm worried about his mental state. He keeps on worrying about the baby. Who knows what will happen if he finds out there isn't one?"

"He won't find out, un."

"I just hopes he doesn't crack and decide killing his clan is easier than reviving it."

"Nah…what's the chance of that happening, hmm?"

Author's Notes: Finally, Sasori, Kakuzu, and Hidan are out of jail. They are still sentenced to community service though. Oh well, it's better than jail…or is it?

Deidara does not really have Tobi's child. Mpreg is impossible and does not make sense. Just as lies were revealed more are made, it's another lie so Deidara gets to stay in the Uchiha clan. What will happen if Itachi finds out? Will he crack and decide that killing his entire clan is easier than reviving it? Nah…c-could he?

No offense to Hidan's mom (despite the bashing for a nonexistent character), I'm not sure what she looks like at all. Sasori did not paint a pretty picture of her though.

Sasori says: Objection! I'm an artist. Therefore everything I paint looks awesome!

Reference Notes: Hidan threatens to kill Asuma but does not actually kill him…unlike in the manga. Why is a monkey Sarutobi restaurant's mascot? That's because the Third Hokage had a monkey summon called Monkey King Enma. I'm quite familiar with the Monkey King: Journey to the West legends.

Sakura and Sasori did fight in Naruto manga/anime but not here, they almost did though. 'Shannaro' is what Inner Sakura usually says, it's similar to Naruto's Dattebayo(Believe it!) Shannaro is replaced with "Cha!" in Naruto English dub. Blah, I hate English dub. Subtitled anime for the win!

Sasori says: Reviews will be used to help Hidan's mom afford plastic surgery.