*I don't own Bones or any of its characters...I just love them :)*

Rated M for later chapters

Chapter 10: Angela's Daily Dose of Gossip

Brennan had been at work since 7 am but had gotten little work done. It was difficult to concentrate on tasks when all she could do was replay the events of the previous night in her head. She took a deep breath and re-read for the fifth time the second paragraph of a journal article she was supposed to be critiquing. It was now 8:30 and people were starting to filter in the building so she wasn't surprised that at 8:34 Angela entered and flopped down in the chair in front of her desk.

Without looking up from the article Brennan greeted her best friend. "Good morning Ange."

"How good of a morning is it?" she asked smirking like a kid ready to get her daily dose of gossip. She had been dying to know about Brennan's double date the night before and in particular she couldn't wait to hear about Booth's behaviour on the date.

Brennan looked up briefly before looking back down to her work. "It's a fine morning. I got here early and am presently trying to get some work done." She replied dismissively.

Oh no, Angela was not going to let her off the hook that easily. "Come on Bren! Don't even try to avoid telling me about last night. I am dying to know! How was it? Do you like Michael? What about Booth, did he like him or did a fist fight break out between the two boys?" she laughed.

Brennan closed her eyes. She couldn't relive last night. It had been awful. To watch Booth and Hannah interact like a couple had made her pain even more palpable. It had just reminded her of what she would never have…and that was Booth. Michael was nice but she caught herself all night comparing him to her partner, and what annoyed her the most was that Michael always seemed to come out on the losing side of the comparison.

She sighed. Booth had once told her that, for him, she was the standard and now she knew what he meant. She didn't know if she would ever find a man that would ever compare to Seeley Booth, and that realization made her even more sad and angry at herself for missing her opportunity to be with him. She felt the tears starting to well and she took in a deep breath to steady herself. "Ange, I have a lot of work to get done. Can we talk about this later?" Brennan, avoiding eye contact, pleaded with her best friend having no real intention to follow through on her offer.

Angela leaned back in the chair and took in Temperance Brennan. There had always been a spark about her, a certain energy, a determination. It was the thing that she loved most about her. Now looking at the forensic anthropologist, she looked tired, and not a good tired from a hot night with a certain political analyst but the kind of tired that was the result of ongoing stress and sadness. She looked broken. She was not the same woman that she had grown to love. She had noticed that Bren was different since before she left for Maluku but she thought it was just something she would work through on her own like she always did. But this woman sitting in front of her was almost a shell of her former self. She knew it had to have something to do with Booth but wasn't sure what exactly had happened.

She had asked Brennan what was going on before but Brennan had refused to tell her and Angela had let it slide thinking that she would talk to her when she was ready. But, looking at Bren now, she knew that she would have to push her for her own good because this couldn't continue much longer.

Brennan breathed a sigh of relief as Angela got up and headed for the door. She had dodged the conversation again, thankfully. But her relief was short lived when she saw Angela close the door and walk back towards her, grabbed her hand and led her to the couch.

"Angela..." She whined as she was pushed down onto the couch by the artist.

"Bren I can't do it anymore. I can't watch you fade away like this. Something is going on with you and I want to know what it is."

Brennan refused to make eye contact with Angela when she muttered, "I'm fine."

Angela reached out and took her hand and said gently, "Sweetie, You're not fine. You haven't been yourself since before you left for Maluku. Something happened. What is it?"

Brennan took a deep breath but remained silent.

"Bren, I love you and I care about you and I hate seeing you like this. You have to talk about it. I see you slowly dying inside and I want to help but there's nothing I can do unless you talk to me."

Brennan looked up with tear filled eyes.

Angela moved her free hand to rub her friend's back. "Please. It's killing me to see you like this."

Brennan just stared at her friend. Angela was right. She had been keeping this to herself for far too long. Normally when she was confused or upset she would talk to Booth about it and he would help her through it. But she couldn't talk to him about this. How could she? She felt the emotion bubbling up and knew there was no controlling it. The tears began to fall freely quickly followed by full on sobs. Angela began to cry herself and moved to take her friend in her arms. She had never seen the always controlled Temperance Brennan like this before and it scared her. They stayed in each others arms for a long while. Angela softly rubbed her back helping her calm down.

When Brennan had clamed down enough to breathe normally, she wiped away the tears that were still falling. "I'm being irrational."

"Good! Sweetie you are a human being. You're not supposed to be rational all the time. There are just some things...and some people," she added knowingly "that we aren't supposed to be rational about."

Brennan didn't look convinced. "I have always sought refuge in rationality, Angela. I don't know how to deal with things without it."

"Well, let me help you. Talk to me about these irrational thoughts and we'll figure it out together." Angela said soothingly.

Brennan gently pulled herself away from her best friend, stood and walked to her desk and leaned on the corner of it. She folded her arms across her chest. Angela waited patiently.

Brennan ran her hands through her hair. "I made a mistake. I have never believed in regrets. They are, in my opinion, irrational and serve no purpose...but...recently I have discovered that just because there is a lack of belief about something...it doesn't make that something any less real."

Angela looked at Brennan not quite sure what she was trying to say. "Sweetie, you're going to have to give me a little more than that."

"I made a mistake." Brennan replied flatly. "And I can't ignore the overwhelming regret I have because of it. The regret gets more intense everyday and I have started resenting the person I am and the life I have because I feel like if I wasn't the way am I might not have made the same mistake...that I might have made another decision if I had been someone else."

Angela nodded encouragingly. "Ok. What kind of mistake did you make? Maybe it can be fixed."

"No, Ange. It can't be fixed. It's too late. I've accepted that. I just don't know how to live with this regret."

"Tell me what happened, Bren."

Brennan gently shook her head. What could it hurt? Without looking at the artist on the couch she simply and quietly said, "It's Booth."

Angela took no joy in finding out that she had been right all along. She sighed and nodded her head.

"So he told you he wanted a relationship with you?"

Brennan's eyes snapped to her best friend's in shock. She nodded slightly.

"And you turned him down."

Again shocked she nodded again.

"Don't look so shocked, Sweetie. I knew it was only a matter of time before he finally admitted it. That man has been crazy about you for years...and you can deny it all you want but I know you've felt the same about him. What happened?"

Brennan wasn't exactly sure why Angela was saying these things to her. They certainly weren't making her feel any better. Her vision got blurry once again as tears threatened to fall.

"Oh Sweetie..." Angela breathed. The regret was written all over Brennan's face.

Brennan took a moment to compose herself and to collect her thoughts but before she could, the words began tumbling out of mouth uncontrollably. "He is the most important thing in my life, Ange. I can't imagine my life without him in it. But when he proposed a relationship I was so scared he would realize that I wasn't enough for him and he would walk away and I would never see him again. When that happened I knew…I knew I couldn't...I wouldn't survive it. It was too big of a risk. He said he wanted to gamble on us, to take a chance. I couldn't gamble on him. As Booth would say, the stakes were too high. I thought I was making the right decision." She closed her eyes and the tears began again.

Angela rose and went to Brennan's side. She was afraid that Booth would leave her when she let him fully in...just like everyone else she knew had. Angela hated how traumas from the past could skew a person's perception. "And now?"

Brennan tucked her hair behind her ear and then looked Angela directly in the eyes. "There was one night about a month after arriving in Maluku, I was alone, out under the stars and all I could think of was how much I wished that Booth was there with me. I missed him more than I thought possible and that's when I realized that there was only one thing that terrifies me more than my feelings for him and that's missing out on my one chance to be truly happy no matter how long it would last. I should have gambled, Ange. When it ended it would have crushed my heart but at least I would have had the time we had together to hold onto. Now I have the heart crushing ache without any of the memories."

"You were going to tell him how you felt when you got back, weren't you? But then there was..."

Brennan nodded. "Hannah."

Angela sighed deeply. How could Booth have given up so easily? "He's an idiot Bren. I will kick his ass."

Brennan gently shook her head and looked down at her hands. "No Ange. This is my fault. I can't get the vision of him from that night outside the Hoover Building out of my mind." Brennan took a moment trying to control the sob that was threatening to erupt from her. "Ange, he was broken, absolutely devastated. He cried...The strongest man I have ever met was crying because of me. I told him I was saying no to protect him but I was really only thinking of myself. I'm surprised he's still talking to me."

Angela felt her tears begin to fall again. It wasn't just her best friend that was hurting. Special Agent Seeley Booth had a broken heart too. How could two people who love each other so much hurt each other like this?

"I missed my chance...and I regret it more than I could have ever imagined." Brennan mumbled between sobs.

Angela led her back to couch and the friends sat down beside each other.

"So where is your head and your heart right now?"

"I didn't want to risk losing him but I feel like I have anyways. I don't see him nearly as much outside of work and now Hannah is always with us. He used to innocently touch me without thinking and now he makes an effort to avoid touching at all costs. He barely visits the lab anymore and I can't remember the last time he brought take-out to my place in the middle of the night. My head keeps telling me to just wait for my feelings for Booth to pass. But Ange, my heart won't stop aching. I can't watch him with Hannah. It's killing me. Last night, I cringed every time they smiled at each other or exchanged the most innocent of touches. I couldn't even concentrate on what Michael was saying because I was too busy trying to ignore what was happening on the other side of the table. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Instead of fading, my feelings have intensified."

"Well sweetie, that's because love doesn't just fade away like that. I know you probably won't believe me but I can tell that Booth's love for you hasn't faded either." Angela explained gently.

Brennan shook her head and said sadly, "I don't know if he ever even really loved me." She looked down to her hands and played with her tissue.

Angela shook her head and sighed. "He did and still does, Bren. I see it every time he looks at you."

"You're wrong Angela. He loves Hannah."

"Sweetie, did you see how he reacted when Hannah tried to set you up? That was a jealous man. A man who is still in love and who doesn't want to see the woman he loves with someone else. He's using Hannah to try and move on but it's not working."

Brennan sat quietly for a moment considered what Angela had just said. She wished she was right but she couldn't allow herself to hope. She would never get control of her feelings back if she allowed herself to get lost in a dream that would never come true. She sighed. "He was probably just upset because he didn't think I would appreciate someone interfering in my personal life. Besides, Angela, he would never use a woman like that. Booth would never be with someone he didn't love."

"I agree Bren. The normal Booth would never do that but from what you've told me, it sounds like he has been in self preservation mode since you turned him down. He's confused and like you said, he's broken. He's trying to do everything he can to make it through this in one piece...Just like you are...and I think his method has been just as successful as yours." She added sarcastically.

Brennan really wanted to believe her but knew that hoping for something that would never come true would only make the pain she was currently feeling even more acute.

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Of course not!" Brennan turned to Angela in shock. "How could I? He's with Hannah now and he loves her. He's happy and I won't do anything to jeopardize that for him. I won't be selfish this time, Ange. I won't. I want him to be happy even if I can't be." She looked back down to her hands and quietly said, "I missed my chance."

Angela smiled sadly. "You really do love him."

Brennan shrugged her shoulders. "Yes, but I'm sure it will fade. Just like Booth said, 'everything happens eventually'."

Angela leaned forward and hugged her best friend. "I really hope you're wrong. You BOTH deserve to be happy."

If Brennan was honest with herself she would have to admit that she too wished she was wrong.