Chapter 10: Guilt

The morning sun peaked through their bedroom windows, but Jason and Sam had been awake for hours. Neither one slept much the whole night. Today was the day they would hear if Sam was pregnant. Jason was anxious and excited already thinking ten steps ahead to keep Sam and their baby safe.

He was also worried for Sam. He knew how much she wanted their baby. Sam would be so disappointed if they weren't pregnant yet. Jason too, he realized. He'd grown to love the thought of Sam's belly growing with his child. He wasn't good picturing things since his accident, but the thought of Sam carrying his child was so strong he didn't have to imagine it.

It's like it was already reality and he could just see it somehow. Maybe memories of Sam during her first pregnancy, before they lost Lila, helped him see her this way again. Jason's heart and chest sank in a sad sigh remembering the baby girl they lost. He hoped for the best, but even if this test was negative he'd make sure Sam knew they weren't giving up.

This was assuming all test results were good and the shooting hadn't ruined Sam's chances of carrying their child. Jason wouldn't know how to live with himself if he'd taken that from her.

Sam heard Jason's deep sigh and rolled over snuggling into him.

He wrapped his arm around her and kissed the top of her head. "Good morning."

"I have a feeling it will be," Sam replied full of hope as she wrapped an arm around his middle and hugged.

They laid there silent in each others arms for a good while, both lost in thoughts.

Jason finally broke the quiet. "I love you, Sam."

He sounded almost sad.

Sam turned, propped on her elbows, and looked into his eyes. "I love you too."

She paused. "You okay?"

"I just wish there were some way to show you how much you mean to me. How deeply I love you." Guilt washed over him and another strange feeling.

He felt guilty for not protecting Sam from the bullet that may have taken away her chances of having children. It took a while for the other feeling to register as fear. He never felt fear, except where Sam was concerned. She was everything he ever wanted. Jason was afraid he'd never be able to make her as happy as she made him. He was afraid to lose her, to disappoint her.

Sam gently pulled his face to hers.

"Hey, you do show me how much you love me, all the time. You show me in the way you trust me and open your heart to me." Sam rubbed her hand over his heart.

"You show me in the way you look at me with such love in your eyes." She gently caressed her thumb under his eye.

Jason placed his hand on her cheek to caress.

"You show me in the way you touch me with such tenderness." Sam nuzzled her face against his hand and wrist.

"You show me in the way that you kiss me..." Sam barely got those last words out before Jason planted his lips on hers in a fiery kiss that lasted until they were out of breath.

He rolled on top of her as their kiss deepened. He wanted her so much. He was going to make love to her again and again all day long and it wouldn't matter if they weren't pregnant yet, because he would make love to her until she was.

Sam wasn't exactly sure what got into Jason. She knew there were some feelings going on he wasn't talking about. Maybe he was trying to distract her now. Oh! His mouth on her neck and his hands on her body. She couldn't think. She just wanted him. Sam wanted to show him how much she loved him. Damn! Jason's phone.

Sam pulled his lips to hers.

"Don't you dare answer that," she threatened before forcing her tongue in his mouth and reaching her hands to pull down his pants.

She was already wearing his shirt. Jason continued to ignore the ringing as he placed hot kisses all over Sam's neck. Good. The ringing stopped. He began rubbing Sam through her panties before putting his mouth on hers again swallowing her moans. Damn! The phone. Again!

It was obvious the caller wasn't going to take a hint. Jason pulled his mouth from Sam and growled in frustration. She sighed, frustrated as well, pulling one hand up through her hair while the other still hugged Jason's back as he reached for his cell.

Jason noted the caller ID and sighed rolling on his back to talk. Sam turned to him on her side propping her head up with an elbow, curious.

"What?" Jason grumbled.

"Good morning to you too sunshine. What's got your knickers in a twist? Do you need me to bring you some hot coffee and fresh pastries?" Carly replied.

"No. I can handle getting my own breakfast. Thank you, Carly." Jason clipped.

Sam rolled her eyes and let her head fall back on her pillow with a sigh. So much for any hope of getting off the phone quickly to get back to where they left off. Sam was sure Carly wanted Jason to do something for her.

Sam kissed and nibbled Jason on his free lobe as she whispered. "Shower."

Jason shook his head no as he reached for Sam to pull her back to bed, but she laughed and escaped his grasp. Sam stood looking at him as Carly rambled on the phone at his ear.

She reached up under Jason's black shirt she wore, peeled off her panties, and smiled as she tossed them at him before turning for their shower. She chuckled hearing Jason sigh and growl at Carly.

xxxxx

Jason was ticked. Carly's phone call interrupted him from making love to Sam. Jason missed Sam in the shower too. Sam was dressed and downstairs by the time Carly let him go. He took a cold shower. Definitely not how he wanted his day to begin.

Carly convinced him to meet this morning at Kelly's. She wouldn't get into it over the phone, but insisted it was something that couldn't wait. Knowing Carly it could be nothing, but knowing Carly she could make it something if he didn't go handle it.

Sam was at the desk holding an envelope when Jason made it downstairs.

"What's that?" Jason said.

"My GED results. I finally got the nerve to order them," Sam said nervously.

"Good. How did you do?" Jason said approaching Sam.

"I don't know. I'm afraid to look." Sam sheepishly peeked over the envelope.

"You did great when I quizzed you on the elevator. There's no question you passed, only how much you blew everybody else out of the water," Jason stated confidently.

Sam smiled up at him. "I'm so lucky to have you."

"Oh, so now you want to have me. You could have had me upstairs if you waited. I had to take a cold shower. Cold Sam. Cold." Jason reached out tickling her sides pulling her into a hug as he spoke.

Sam laughed and shifted in his arms as he tickled her.

"Stop. Stop, Jason!" She laughed catching her breath.

Jason grinned and smoothed her hair. "Okay, so can we see the results now?"

Sam opened the envelope and read silently at first. The test was comprised of 5 parts including 4 multiple choice parts and 1 written essay portion. High scores in math, science, social studies, reading, and writing earned Sam 3,750 total points out of a possible 4,000.

She also had to perform better than at least 60% of current high school seniors to pass. She glanced anxiously at her percentile ranking...96% out of a possible 99.

She passed. She jumped. She squealed. "Sweet. I passed."

Jason took a look. "You didn't just pass Sam. You blew everyone out of the water just like I knew you would. College admission will be no problem with these scores. Not to mention you owned your own business and are a first rate ship's captain who's sailed all over the world."

Sam was so happy. She'd always felt a little inferior when it came to people with higher education. She was smart, street smart and she was good with numbers and contracts, but never felt able to compete with the book smart crowd. Sam planned to find a job to pay her own way after moving back in with Jason last December.

Jason suggested pursuing a higher education would better establish her own financial independence and give her more security. These scores and Jason's encouragement were an incredible boost to her self-confidence. Sam put her hands on Jason's waist.

"This is a good omen. I feel it. We're going to have positive test results all day long." She told him with a smile.

"I think you're right." Jason leaned and kissed her.

Sam pulled away before it got too heated reminding him he had to meet Carly.

Jason scrunched his face. "How did you know that I didn't even say anything yet?"

Sam chuckled. "It was Carly, an urgent meeting is implied."

Jason half smiled and blinked. "I'll tell her you said good morning."

Sam smiled back, but Jason froze.

"What's the matter?" She said noticing his face grow serious.

"I'm supposed to stay with you today." He was worried for her and for them.

"It's okay. We probably won't get the call until later anyway. Besides, I want to check on Alexis and show her my scores. Why don't we meet up in a couple hours for lunch," Sam suggested?

"Okay. I should check on a few things at the warehouse before I meet Carly. Want to meet at Kelly's around noon," Jason proposed?

"Sounds good." Sam gave Jason a quick peck on the lips before grabbing her coat and putting her scores in her purse.

She couldn't wait to show her mom. She'd finally done something for Alexis to be proud of.

xxxxx

Sam noticed Alexis sleeping on the sofa through the glass door and entered her mom's home quietly. She didn't want to wake her. A flood of emotion washed over her seeing her mother lying there.

Her skin was pale. She'd lost so much weight and her hair was falling out from the chemotherapy. It was hard to reconcile the bold and powerful woman she knew Alexis to be with the fragile woman resting before her now. Sam reached to pull the blanket up over her before turning to go check on Viola and the kids.

"Sam. Hi. What, um hm, what brings you by?" Alexis spoke with a slight cough.

Sam poured a glass of water from the pitcher on the table to hand Alexis.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I can come back another time," Sam apologized.

"No. It's fine. I just dozed off. Didn't get much sleep last night. I wanted to see Kristina off before she leaves for gymnastics in a bit anyway," Alexis explained.

"So, what brings you by?" Alexis repeated.

Sam smiled a small smile. "I wanted to check on you and my sisters. It's been a couple of days since I've heard from you. I didn't really expect, I mean, I know we're not on really good terms... I just... I still worry."

Sam bit her lip anxiously and continued. "I also have a little good news and you're probably one of the few people in my life that could really appreciate... I mean, I don't know. It's probably not a good time. You need your rest and I have a lunch date anyway."

Sam started to backtrack. She was getting nervous all of a sudden. She wanted her mom to be proud of her, but as she stood with Alexis she realized she probably didn't deserve that kind of recognition from her mother. Not after what she'd done to hurt her. She wished Kristina would walk in and distract them.

"Sam, sit. Please. Look at me. I could use a bit of good news. So what's going on?" Alexis smiled trying not to push her daughter away.

Alexis wasn't ready to forgive her, but she didn't want to lose her either. She couldn't bear to lose her daughter again, no matter what. Sam sat on the sofa with Alexis.

She pulled the envelope out of her purse. "My GED results arrived."

She handed them to Alexis and watched anxiously waiting for even the smallest glimmer of pride or happiness or anything good from her mother. Sam chewed her bottom lip nervously as Alexis grabbed her glasses off the table and read without so much as a smallest break in concentration.

Sam shouldn't get her hopes up. She was expecting too much.

"Sam. Oh my gosh! Are you kidding me? This is wonderful. Amazing! Congratulations!" Alexis shouted.

She reached over hugging Sam with both arms.

"I'm so proud of you. I told you. I knew you had it in you. This is wonderful!" Alexis repeated herself.

She was so proud and excited for her daughter that everything else faded away in the moment.

Sam's eyes filled with tears. It was a reaction she only dreamed of having from her mother. She could barely breathe it felt so good for her mother to hug her and tell her she was actually proud of her. Sam couldn't help feel she didn't deserve it.

Alexis pulled back out of the hug still smiling brightly. Sam hadn't seen her mother smile this much since... She couldn't remember. Sam felt good knowing something she did made her mother smile after all the things she did that hurt her.

Alexis saw Sam's tears through her sheepish smile. Her heart ached for her daughter. She was amazing. She was beautiful, but nobody was there to make her believe it when she was little. Alexis hadn't been there to tell her and now her baby was all grown up and still didn't know it.

She still doubted her own self worth. Alexis knew somehow she had to find a way to make this relationship with her daughter work. Small steps. For now, she would make sure Sam knew how proud she was of her accomplishment.

Alexis would tell Sam right now how amazing she was and beautiful. She'd tried before, but Sam wasn't able to believe it. Alexis couldn't give up. Looking at her beautiful daughter sitting before her, how could she possibly give up on her? Ever? No matter what. Alexis was a little choked up by this thought.

"Sam," She began with emotion heavy in her voice. "I'm so very proud of you. I've always thought you to be a bright, beautiful young woman even before I knew you were my daughter."

Sam's tears fell listening to her mother. She was too choked up to speak.

"I just... I just want you to know and believe it. You accomplished this all on your own without any help from me or anyone. It proves to me you can accomplish anything you put your mind to do. I hope this helps you believe that too," Alexis offered.

Sam sighed through the emotions welling within her. "Thanks. Thank you. I realized you're right about something. I need to be my own person. I need to stand on my own, even though it is nice to have people in your corner. I know you don't approve of my relationship with Jason, but we've learned from our mistakes. He accepts I need to be less dependent on him. I wanted to get a job to start paying my own way, but he encouraged me to go back to school. Jason pointed out a college degree is better financial independence in the long run. Of course he wants to pay for it all and that's something we're still debating, but..."

"I'll pay for it," Alexis blurted.

Sam paused mouth open for a second before pulling it closed. "Oh no. Alexis, I'm sorry. I didn't bring it up to illicit money from you."

"I know that. I want to pay for you to go back to school," Alexis insisted.

Sam felt awkward. "It's okay, really, I couldn't possibly take..."

Alexis interrupted. "You're not taking it. I'm giving it. Sam, please. There's so much I wanted to give you. I couldn't keep you and give you the love I wanted when you were little. I couldn't do any of the things I wanted like I get to with your sisters. I have you now and there are still so many things I want for you, but you're all grown up. You have a mind of your own and there are just so few things I can give you, but I can give you this. I can pay for your college education. I would be so honored, as your mother, to have some small part helping you become the woman you want to be. Would you please, at least, consider it?"

Sam was moved. How could she not consider her mother's offer when she put it like that? "It's an incredibly generous offer, Alexis. I promise I'll think about it."

Her mother's smile returned through her teary eyes and she grabbed Sam's hands. "Good. Good. I'm just so happy for you."

She was happy for her. Sam saw it, what's more, she felt it. It was so much more than she ever expected to get from her mother. Today was turning out to be an amazing day.

"What's all the fuss down here?" Viola smiled entering the living room with Kristina.

Alexis shouted proudly. "My first born is brilliant! I've known all along, of course, but now we have test scores to prove it."

Sam blushed as Viola congratulated her.

Kristina sprinted upon seeing her big sister. "Sam, you're here! I missed you."

Sam pulled Kristina to her and gave her a big hug. "Oh Kristina. It is so good to see you. I missed you too. I love the pretty ribbon in your hair."

"Thanks. Viola put my hair up for my gymnastics class. Sam, can you come with me to gymnastics today," Kristina pleaded?

"Oh sweetie, I would love to, but I'm actually expecting a very important phone call today and I promised Jason I would meet him in a little bit so we're together when we get the call," Sam answered truthfully.

Alexis found Sam's statement puzzling. She was curious what the important phone call was about.

"Okay. Next time?" Kristina persisted.

"Next time for sure. I'll get the date and time from mom and I'll be there," Sam promised.

Alexis smiled. "Can I have a hug before you go?"

Kristina left Sam's arms for her mother's.

"Okay Kristina, we better get our coats on and get going," Viola coaxed and a few moments later they were out the door.

"Where's Molly?" Sam wondered. She hadn't heard or seen her the entire visit.

"She's with Ric. He had visitation today." Her mother's smile faded.

Sam wished she hadn't asked. She wasn't sure what to say now, but she desperately wanted to change the subject.

"So what's this important call you're waiting on today?"

Why couldn't Sam ever remember to be careful what she wished for?

Alexis picked up on Sam's hesitancy to answer. "Oh. I'm sorry. It's none of my business. You sounded excited. I thought maybe it was something more to do with school."

"Oh. No. It's okay," Sam scrambled.

"No. It's actually just some follow up test results we're waiting on from the hospital. I'm hoping to get a final clean bill of health, so to speak," Sam covered.

She didn't want to lie, but she didn't want to ruin the progress made today by bringing up the subject of pregnancy.

"Oh. I thought the doctors already gave you the thumbs up." Sam could see and hear her mom's concern.

Sam wasn't going to lie to her mother ever again. She might omit something until a later date, but Alexis was worried now and Sam wasn't going to lie. Damn.

"These were additional tests with Dr. Lee. She ordered a few tests to see how the trauma to my abdomen has healed and to determine if it's affected my ability to carry another baby to term," Sam confessed.

Oh, she hated this conversation. Pregnancy was at the top of the list of things, right after Ric, that she never wanted to discuss with her mother. She'd rather listen to her mom talk about Jason.

Her mother was sullen.

"I see. I, well, I hope, Sam, that everything is fine. I hope you get good news." Her voice became small and distant.

Alexis looked lost as if some torturing memory entered her thoughts. Sam didn't want to think of what she might be remembering, but she knew. For the first time, Sam actually saw how haunted her mother was by how she'd pushed Sam into inducing her labor for Kristina. Sam fought back tears.

She'd been so consumed by her own grief and anger over losing her baby girl that she'd never been able to see how it affected anyone else other than Jason and Sonny. It was still very hard to consider even now, but this was her mother. Her mother was tortured over this memory the same way Sam would forever be tortured over the memory of sleeping with Ric.

How could Sam expect her mother to forgive her for sleeping with her husband when Sam hadn't forgiven Alexis for the part she played in her premature labor? Not really. She'd told Alexis it was in the past when Molly was born and she believed it too at the time, but a small part of her still carried that grudge and the thought still popped into her head as justification whenever they argued. Looking at her mother now, Sam knew it wasn't over for Alexis. It might never be over, but one thing that might help would be forgiveness.

Sam couldn't hold the tears anymore. They began falling fast and fierce as she tried to find the right words. Alexis was broken from her trance upon hearing the quiet sobs from her daughter.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pried..."

"No. You don't need to apologize," Sam interrupted.

"There's something I want to tell you Alexis. Something I didn't realize until this moment that I really need you to know and believe.".

Alexis was quiet. Apprehensive, but attentive.

Sam wiped away her tears, took a deep breath, and looked at her mother directly in her eyes. "I forgive you. I know you never meant my baby any harm. Kristina was dying. You were desperately afraid. I know you never would have pressured me if you'd had any idea what was about to happen."

Alexis closed her eyes as tears fell and she looked down. She was too ashamed to look her daughter in the eyes. The doctors said the placenta abruptia was spontaneous, but Alexis knew it was something that was brought on by stress.

She tried to tell herself otherwise, but deep down would always wonder if her daughter would be sitting here with her granddaughter in her arms right now if only...

"Alexis? Mom," Sam placed her hand on her mother's shoulder.

"It's okay. I understand. I understand now," Sam told her.

Alexis couldn't take it.

She broke down in heaving sobs. "It's... not... okay Sam. What I did to you, it's not okay. There's nothing I can do to ever make it... okay, make it go away."

Sam cried harder. Those were the exact same words Sam thought when she remembered how she hurt her family by sleeping with Ric. She couldn't stand to see her mother suffer the same pain, not when she might be able to stop it. Sam grabbed her mother and hugged her tight.

"I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you, mom. I forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself too. You have to forgive yourself." She repeated it over and over until her mother's sobs relented.

Her mother clung to her. Sam had never seen Alexis this vulnerable the entire time she'd known her.

Sam held her mother in her arms and thought with all her might how she just wanted to take her pain away. "I love you mom."

It was the only thing left she could think to say and it was true. What Sam was feeling for her right now wasn't pity or even empathy so much as it was love. She loved her mother.

She didn't always understand her or agree with her or even like her at times, but Sam realized now that somewhere along the line love found its way into her heart for this person she'd hated. This person that she now knew and called mother.

Alexis sat up and dried her eyes.

She looked intently at Sam. "I love you too. I don't always understand you or agree with you..."

"Or even like me at times," Sam finished her sentence.

Alexis just smiled with a puzzled look on her face. "I think we may be more alike in some ways than either of us care to admit."

"Scary thought," Sam chuckled and Alexis did too.

"We're a mess, aren't we?" Alexis half smiled.

Sam's phone rang startling both of them.

"I'm sorry. It's Jason," Sam noted.

Alexis nodded her head and motioned for her to take the call as she wiped her eyes and nose with a tissue.

"Hey there. I'm okay. Yes. I promise. No calls yet. I promise as soon as I hear anything. Good? I think it's going good actually. I'll see you in a bit. I love you too. Bye," Sam finished.

"Sorry. Jason's just a little anxious. He didn't want to leave me today," Sam explained.

"Sam, is there something more about these test results you haven't told me? It's just the only time I've seen Jason anxious it was usually very serious."

Sam still didn't want to discuss her possible pregnancy, but she didn't want to lie. Sam's phone rang again.

She checked the caller ID. "Sorry. I think it's the hospital."

Alexis pursed her lips in a nervous smile. Sam took a deep breath and answered.

"Sam McCall. Yes. Yes. Oh. I see. What about the other tests? I see. No. I understand. Thank you for letting me know," Sam finished.

She struggled to hold back the tears. She didn't want her mother to worry.

"Sam. It's not good news I can tell. Are you okay? What did Kelly say?" Alexis asked softly.

"It was actually a lab tech. He said there was a rush order on the test, so he'd taken the liberty to call me right away with the results." Sam sighed and closed her eyes.

"It's just that we thought... I thought we might be pregnant. I... I was so certain. I just can't believe it," Sam explained.

Alexis didn't know if she was relieved or heartbroken for her daughter? She looked at Sam fighting so hard to hold back her tears, her pain, and her daughter's heartbreak became her own.

"I'm very sorry Sam. I know how much you want a baby. What about the other tests?"

"The lab said I should hear from Dr. Lee when those results were in. He only knew the results of the pregnancy test," Sam replied trying to breath steadily.

Alexis tried to reinforce hope. "It may take a little longer, but it doesn't mean it won't happen. I may not know as much about you as I'd like, but I know you are the most tenacious person I've ever met. With the possible exception of myself. You found a way to be with Jason again. You'll find a way to have your baby too."

"Thanks," Sam attempted a smile.

It was for Alexis' benefit and Alexis knew it, but she was grateful for Sam's attempt to make her feel able to alleviate her daughter's pain.

Sam stood. "I better get going. I need to tell Jason in person."

Alexis stood with her extending her arms questioningly toward her daughter as Sam stepped into the embrace.

Alexis wished there were something more she could do, or say, "Sam, I know I'm not the first person you'd talk to about any of this. I'm probably the last, but I'm here if you ever want to talk about anything."

"I appreciate it Alexis. I really do." Sam smiled weakly before turning to leave.

She was trying her best to keep in her tears. Once Sam let them start she wasn't sure she could stop. She needed Jason. Alexis asked a couple of times, but Sam insisted she was okay to drive. Alexis still couldn't help worrying as she left.

Alexis. Sam called her "Alexis" again. She knew it was probably hoping for too much, but one day she would love it if her daughter would just call her mom. All she wanted to be was Sam's mom, not Alexis.

Alexis was the woman that pressured her in the chapel before Sam collapsed in premature labor resulting in the death of her baby.

Alexis was the woman that defended the psychopath, Manny Ruiz, who kidnapped, terrorized, and attempted to rape Sam.

Alexis was the woman that accepted the antidote when refusing it would have saved the brother Sam loved so much.

She usually carried herself with a fairly high level of self-esteem, but each time Sam called her Alexis it was like a mirror was held up reflecting all of the terrible injustices Sam suffered at the hands of "Alexis Davis."

Alexis still didn't know how to forgive Sam, but at least now she knew she could. Her first born daughter taught her moments ago right there on that very couch it was possible to forgive far worse things.

Page 15 of 15 Created: 2009-12-22 Updated: 2012-05-10 Words: 5014