If anyone was expecting an update last week, I'm sorry. I had a stockpile of chapters for this before I even started posting, so I was able to have regular updates, but this is the last one. So from now on I'll be updating as I write. I'll try to keep them coming as frequently as possible, but no promises. Unfortunately I have a very short attention span, and I'm having a little trouble staying focused on this one.
Chapter 10.
Sawyer was home alone, Kate having taken their daughter to the park. He was sitting in the kitchen, thinking about Clementine. He'd been thinking about his older daughter a lot lately, about what he'd done. Everything about the situation bothered him.
He thought back to when he'd first found out he was a father. He'd freaked out. There was no other way to describe it.
He'd denied it. Yet at the same time, he knew it was true. He couldn't explain why he was so certain. He'd always wondered if something like this would happen to him one day. Sometimes he figured it was only a matter of time before someone tracked him down, claiming he was their father.
It had to be Cassidy, the woman he'd come closest to being in love with.
He hadn't accepted the truth at first. He couldn't, for the same reason he'd initially struggled to accept Kate's pregnancy. He couldn't be a father.
He knew differently now. He loved being a dad. His daughter was his greatest accomplishment.
And so he felt guilty. He devoted all his care and attention to one daughter while he'd spent so long ignoring the existence of her sister.
He wondered what she looked like. How she was doing. He hoped she was okay.
It wasn't enough for him to hope anymore. He wanted to know she was alright. He wanted to see it for himself.
But Kate didn't know.
He decided he had to tell her. There was no way around it; he wanted to meet his older daughter and there was no chance of Kate not figuring out something was going on. Back in the beginning, he'd resolved to be honest with her. He wouldn't do this behind her back.
Of course, he'd been keeping this a secret for almost two years. Not the best way to go about having an honest relationship.
Sitting down at the kitchen table, he tried to think of how best to phrase it. He had time before Kate came back to figure out how to tell her.
Or so he'd thought.
At that moment, he heard the front door open. Desperately, he wished for time to slow down. He wasn't ready for this yet, but he knew that if he didn't do it now he'd lose his nerve.
Too soon, Kate entered the kitchen. Sawyer avoided her eyes, instead watching his little girl toddle into the room behind her.
"Hey," Kate said offhandedly. Noting Sawyer's troubled expression, she looked at him inquisitively. "What's wrong?"
Sawyer finally looked up at her. Seeing the worry in her eyes, he reached over and grasped her hand, pulling her toward him.
"We need to talk," he said quietly.
Kate, looking unsettled, cast a quick glance over at Peanut. Seeing that she was playing happily with a teddy bear that had been left lying around, Kate sank into a chair opposite Sawyer.
Now that he had her full attention, he didn't have the slightest clue how to begin. To buy time, he reached for her hand again. He studied all the marks and lines on her palm, rubbed his thumb across her knuckles. When she squeezed his hand slightly, encouraging him, he blurted out his confession.
"I have another daughter." Her grip tightened. He couldn't bear to look at her as he continued.
"It was years ago. She was one of the women I'd conned. When I left with her money, I thought it was the end of it. I didn't know she was pregnant. But she reported me. Months later, she came to visit me in prison. Had a photo of her daughter, said her name was Clementine.
"I didn't want anything to do with the kid, or her, and I told her that." He paused, wanting Kate to understand. "But ever since Peanut was born, I keep thinking about Clementine. About how I abandoned her."
"So what are you gonna do?" Kate whispered. Her grip on Sawyer's hand had become so tight it was painful. He was reminded of the day she'd given birth. He hated that he was causing her so much pain.
"I wanna get in touch with Cassidy," he responded.
With a jerk, Kate ripped her hand away from Sawyer's. Standing up so fast she knocked her chair over, she backed away from him, only stopping when she was against the wall.
Sawyer finally dared to look Kate in the eye. He was met with fear. It surprised him. He'd been expecting anger. He could deal with anger. He had no idea how to deal with this.
He stood up, wanting to comfort her, knowing she wouldn't let him.
"Don't," she said, before he could even take a step towards her. He froze. She pressed further into the wall behind her. After several long minutes of this torturous face-off, Kate turned and half ran out of the room. Even as he called after her, he knew it was pointless. The front door slammed, and then she was gone.
Alone now, Sawyer started pacing the room. His frustration grew with every lap. After several minutes, he couldn't contain it anymore, and kicked Kate's fallen chair across the room.
"Damn it!" he yelled, relishing in the sudden violence that overtook him.
The sudden noise startled his daughter, and she instantly started screaming. For a moment Sawyer couldn't move. He'd actually forgotten she was there. What the hell kind of father did that make him?
Rushing over to her, he picked her up. It wasn't easy; she screamed louder and started kicking at him the second he was within reach. Eventually, he had her in his arms.
"I'm sorry, Baby. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," he said to her, trying to calm her, wishing he could cry with her.
He'd done exactly what he'd told himself he'd never do. It scared him. What if it happened again? He hadn't known where his daughter had been, what if the chair had hit her? What if he got this angry again, would he hit someone? He'd almost wanted to, for a second. What if he couldn't control himself?
As the baby's cries eased, Sawyer began to calm down. He sank down to the ground, still holding the baby firmly against his chest. For the first time since leaving the island, he thought of Locke, and what he'd said in that last conversation. The guilt would stop him from doing it again. He sighed deeply, willing himself to believe it.
Hours passed. Sawyer didn't move. He was worried about Kate. What if something had happened to her? He knew it was irrational. She'd left because she needed space. She'd come back when she was ready.
He couldn't wait for that. He needed to know, right now, that she was okay. He'd never forgive himself if something had happened to her. Reaching for the phone, he called her cell, his worry increasing when she didn't pick up. He tried again, a few minutes later. Still no answer. Again and again he called her, all with no response.
She was probably avoiding him. But what if she wasn't?
Noticing the time, Sawyer got up to feed his daughter and get her ready for bed. He thought it was important to stick to her routine. He didn't want her to realise something was wrong, anymore than she already had.
Everything was wrong. Kate was running again, and it was because of him. He'd gotten over being afraid of it in the past couple of years. With everything that had happened between them he'd become so sure that she'd never leave. He didn't think she'd do it now, not after so long staying still. Not with everything they had. What if she didn't come back?
He was imagining life without her again. After the abrupt end to her trial, he'd thought he'd never think that way again. Things had been so normal. He forced the thought out of his mind.
Pacing in the living room now, he was startled out of his thought process by the phone ringing. Relieved and terrified at the same time, he rushed to answer it.
"Kate?" he said anxiously by way of greeting.
"Sorry, dude, it's Hurley," came the response. Sawyer was tempted to hang up straight away and keep the line clear for when (if) Kate tried to call.
"Kate's with me." Now Sawyer was listening. He gripped the phone tightly.
"Is she okay?" he asked, barely able to get the words out.
There was a pause before Hurley answered.
"Yeah." Another pause. Sawyer thought he heard whispering on Hurley's end of the line.
"Is Peanut okay?" Hurley asked.
"Yeah, she's fine." Sawyer replied quickly, knowing Hurley was asking for Kate. More whispering as Hurley relayed this information. Straining to make out what they were saying, he thought he heard a small sob. He waited, hoping the next voice he heard would be Kate's. It wasn't.
"She's pretty upset, dude. I don't know what happened between you, but just give her some space, okay?"
Sawyer collapsed on the couch. He nodded, despite the fact that Hurley couldn't see him.
"Don't worry. She'll be home eventually." Hurley added.
Sawyer sighed. "Can you just... I mean... Tell her I love her, okay?" he requested, embarrassed.
"Will do." Hurley promised before hanging up.
Back to waiting. He was determined to wait up for her, to be there when she got home. He was convinced it would only be a matter of hours. He knew she wouldn't stay away from her daughter for too long, no matter how angry she was at him.
It was after midnight when she walked through the door. Sawyer stared at her. All his focus was on stopping himself from running to her and crushing her in a hug. He worked hard on reminding himself to give her space, like Hurley had said.
She was still upset, but he thought she was slightly calmer than before. Like she'd had some time to think. She didn't look as afraid as she had before. He was relieved about that.
"Is the baby okay?" she asked stiffly, glancing in the direction of her room.
Sawyer felt a lump grow in his throat. "Yeah, she's fine. She's asleep," he told her quietly. He wouldn't tell her about how he'd scared her earlier. He was still too afraid to admit it to himself.
Kate let out a sob. Wrapping her arms around herself, she passed Sawyer, entering the living room and curling up in an armchair. After a moment, Sawyer followed her, seating himself opposite her.
Desperate to ease the tension in the room, he started to talk. "I'm -"
"Don't." Kate cut him off. "Don't apologise. You don't even know why I'm upset." There was a fury in her voice Sawyer had never heard before.
"I'm not surprised you have another kid. I know about your past, and I've been expecting it. It hurt when you told me, but I was okay." Her calm demeanour was vanishing. Sawyer braced himself for the worst. He had no idea what to expect. If she wasn't angry about the kid thing, then what was it?
"Then I find out it was Cassidy," she spat out.
He was shocked. "You know her?"
"Yeah, Sawyer, I knew her. I met her while I was on the run. She told me all about the guy who she fell in love with, the one who took all her money. And then she told me she was pregnant, and that she still loved him." There were angry tears in Kate's eyes as she said this, and some of the fear Sawyer had seen earlier was returning.
"I told her to report him. She didn't want to do it, so I told her to tell me who he was and I'd take care of him. She wouldn't do that either. I wondered what kind of monster could have that kind of a hold over a woman. I hated him. I hated him for what he did to Cassidy. Not just for stealing from her, but for making her think he cared about her. I hated him for abandoning his child.
"And now you're telling me that it was you," she finished. Her anger was gone; she looked drained. She leaned her head back against the chair, tears falling freely down her face.
Sawyer didn't know what to say. This connection was too strange, too sudden. He had no idea how to make this right.
When he didn't say anything, Kate continued, struggling to speak. "I thought I knew you. I want to believe I know you, that you've changed. That you really do love me and this isn't one of your acts. But Cassidy thought that about you. And my mother thought that about her husband. Neither of them could see what was really happening. I don't want to be that person," she said amidst sobs. "I don't want my daughter to grow up the way I did."
Sawyer felt his heart stop. "What do you want me to do?" He'd do it, whatever she asked of him.
She looked at him hard for a second. He met her stare, hoping she'd see in his eyes that what they had was real.
"Get out." She whispered. It was regretful rather than cruel, and it gave Sawyer hope. In a daze, he stood, blindly walking towards the door. It slammed behind him, once again separating him from the woman he loved.
He didn't know where to go, what to do. He found himself in his car, driving aimlessly. He was in the middle of those horrible hours, late at night or early morning, where the sane world slept. The only people out and about would be people like him; troubled, lost. The last thing he wanted was their company.
It occurred to him that he probably shouldn't be driving in this state. But he couldn't stop. He resolved to focus more on what he was doing instead of replaying Kate's words in his mind. It was hard. Eventually he gave up.
Somehow his unconscious mind had lead him to Hurley's doorstep. Not that he could go in and talk to him; it was still far too early for that. It was, however, a place to stop and think. It was what he needed.
He wanted a drink. He craved it. And it was because of that craving that he refused to give in. He couldn't have what he wanted, he didn't deserve it. Always the self-inflicted punishment. He couldn't dull his sense with alcohol.
He became aware of the sun rising, and it was only then that he realised how long he'd been sitting in his car outside his friend's place. Just as he was thinking it was surprising that no one had noticed his presence and reported it, someone appeared.
"Dude, you look like crap." Hurley announced, looking little better himself. Sawyer didn't respond.
"Security says you've been out here awhile. What happened, did Kate kick you out?"
The comment stung more than Sawyer would have liked, and he knew it showed. Hurley sighed, before opening the car door. Sawyer reluctantly stepped out of the car, avoiding Hurley's eyes. Silently the two men walked back inside Hurley's house.
"How much do you know?" Sawyer asked the minute they were inside.
"Kate didn't really say anything, dude," replied Hurley. "She was pretty angry though. Not at you," he added hastily when he saw Sawyer's face. "She was beating herself up because she left without Peanut. She seemed really scared, actually. You know how she does that thing where she convinces herself she's a bad mother."
Sawyer was feeling worse by the minute. He'd thought he could handle her being angry at him, but he hated that she was blaming herself.
"She also said something about the last couple of years being too good to be true, and she should have known something like this would happen eventually," Hurley finished. He stared at Sawyer. "What happened?"
Collapsing into a chair and staring at a wall, Sawyer told Hurley everything. He found it was easier to tell about Clementine and Cassidy the second time. Telling about Kate's reaction felt like a knife twisting in his gut. He still couldn't mention the incident with Peanut.
After he finished talking, Hurley didn't say anything. Sawyer waited for some kind of comment, some advice. None was forthcoming. Suddenly, he felt like an idiot for divulging his feelings. Since when had he been one for sharing?
Before these feelings could develop too much, however, Hurley finally spoke. "What are you gonna do now?"
"I was hoping you'd tell me," Sawyer admitted, refusing to meet Hurley's eyes.
"Well, you can't avoid her forever. And she can't avoid you either. Maybe you should, I dunno, talk to each other?" he suggested tentatively. When Sawyer seemed to consider his advice, he continued.
"She went back. That's gotta count for something," he said more firmly.
There was that. Sawyer decided to focus on the positive. She went back; she had been willing to talk to him again. Now he had to do the same.
Declining Hurley's offer of breakfast, Sawyer headed home. He had no clue what he'd find there. Part of him was afraid she wouldn't let him through the door. Worse, though, was the fear that he'd arrive home to find the house empty. He couldn't help thinking that if she was to ever take Peanut and run, this would be a time to do it.
He quickly discovered his fears had been for nothing. The second he walked through the door he saw Kate waiting for him, the exact reverse of what had occurred just a few hours before. She looked at him, her face expressionless. When she turned and headed into the kitchen he followed, though he was dismayed that whatever confrontations she had planned would occur right where it had all began.
Sitting once more at the kitchen table, Sawyer couldn't get over the formality of the situation. All the comfortable trust they'd built was gone. Still, he didn't try to recover it. This was her moment. He'd go along with whatever she had planned.
"I think we should get in touch with Cassidy," Kate announced. Sawyer stared at her. It wasn't what he'd been expecting. More importantly, she'd said 'we'. He didn't think he'd ever really appreciated that word before.
"You're right, you should meet your daughter," she continued, struggling a little. "And I'm coming with you."
Sawyer's optimism was draining. He hadn't expected the unspoken mistrust that came with those words, though he realised he should have expected that she'd want to accompany him.
"It's not what you're thinking," Kate added. "It's not that I don't trust you. Cassidy helped me. I want to see her again. That's all."
Business ended, Kate stood and left the room. Sawyer remained seated. Despite what Hurley had said, and despite what he was trying to convince himself, he couldn't fight the feeling that this was just the beginning; that from this point on things would only get worse.
tbc.