Chapter 9
Blue
Of all the sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these:
"It might have been."
~Whittier
Shane and Kimberly laid their heads on separate pillows, in separate rooms on opposing floors, replaying the details of their conversation in the living room. Kimberly clutched her pale blue satin pillowcase, the moon reflecting the brilliance of her blue-green eyes.
"Kim, I am so very sorry." Shane offered in a hush tone.
Kimberly smiled reflectively at the memory.
"Perhaps we could make friends with time?" He inquired poignantly.
Swaddled in at satin cocoon of pale blue sheets, Kimberly allowed mind to drift to faraway places. By voicing her wish for him to stay, Kimberly had done something she had longed to do: speak up for something she believed in. And what sprung forth was an honest opening for them to address all the pain that had been inflicted on the two. It was a start, even if a delicate one.
"Yes, maybe they'd be fine this time?" She mused while tracing the stars with her eyes.
Kimberly drifted to sleep with the first seeds of healing planted deep within her heart. Likewise, Shane had entered into Kim's house just days before possessing a false confidence and an avoidance of the past. The course of events that followed left him less sure of the outcome, yet at peace with himself for the first time in years. Shane placed his arms behind his neck and stared at the wooden beams crossing the ceiling of Kimberly's study.
"Don't go!"
Those two little words spoke volumes! There was a place for him in Kimberly's world. He slowly fell asleep with visions of her beauty playing around in his mind.
Location: ISA jet the next day
The good-byes were quite difficult this time. Peachy could see the anguish in her partner's face as he squeezed his children before telling them good-bye. But it was the way he left things with Kimberly that piqued her cat-like curiosity. As she knelt down to instruct the children, Peachy witnessed a tender scene unfold:
Kimberly was the picture of elegance dressed in a silky pink blouse with a black pencil skirt and heels. Her hair partially pulled back, it was her vibrant smile that captured Peachy's attention. The old woman knew instantly that a barrier had been knocked down the previous evening. She observed as Shane gracefully approached Kimberly and examined her right hand, which wasn't wrapped anymore. Kimberly gazed up into his attentive eyes, her head nodding affirmatively assuring him that the wound was healing. Peachy couldn't hear the details of their idle chatter, but their body language revealed the first clues to their future. They didn't merely dance around their problems, as they did before. Now they gingerly danced closer towards one another making timid gestures into the right direction. Shane conducted himself with restraint but the way he tenderly touched her hand and gazed down at Kimberly revealed his true feelings. And Kimberly eyes reflected a fledgling trust in him to guide them down that path, even if she wasn't aware of its significance. Their exchange ended with a friendly embrace, Kimberly reminding him to call when they arrived safely.
They had been in the air for hours and Shane had not uttered a word outside of casual requests for various files and specific references to the case he was working on.
"Oh, and work up a dossier on Phillip Collier." He requested off handedly. "Names, dates, nothing is too minor."
Shane didn't give Peachy one ounce of opening waving her off when she tried to press him for details. He simply pressed a button and began teleconference calls to various field agents. The lack of communication drove Peachy mad! She knew he'd confess when he was ready, but until that time, the gears in his old partner's brain turned methodically. Peachy finished wiping away the last remnants from their lunch getting increasingly impatient at the professional silence. She strolled back to the plush creamy leather couch across from him and sat conspicuously in his line of vision. Shane sat with his right leg propped up over his left, balancing the thick pile of papers. Jotting a series of notes, Shane poured over his work to keep the ache in his heart at bay. Peachy surveyed him with critical eye, noting his preference towards drab neutral colors whenever Kimberly wasn't around. The probing stare emanating from his mentor forced him to address the issue. The cunning spy peered up from his leather bound mound of papers.
"Out with it!" He announced dryly.
"What in heaven are you talking about?" Peachy asked with mock surprise. Shane tossed his pen aside, the instrument making a 'thud' as it bounced off the pad of paper and into the floor. He leaned back and crossed his arms across his chest. Peachy leaned back as well taking on the challenge. After a few minutes of silent confrontation,
"Very well. I'll begin." She flattened the fabric of her pleated grey skirt, and returned his gaze with a solemn one.
"Exactly what do you plan to accomplish with this inquiry on Mr. Collier?"
Shane rolled his eyes.
"Do you have such little faith in me?"
"Oh, poppycock!"
Peachy pursed her lips together.
"Professionally, you never disappoint." She inhaled deeply. "But frankly Shane, you can't blame me for second guessing your intentions when it revolves around your personal affairs."
Contemplating her assessment of him for a moment, Shane nodded his head conceding her point.
"I don't know exactly what I am looking for Peach." His deep brown eyes harbored a mixed bag of emotions as he turned to address her.
"But I can't shake the feeling that had I been just a bit more bold," He clasped his fist. "Tried harder somehow, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad for Kim."
Shane broke their eye contact and let his eyes scan the interior of the plane forlornly.
"For us." He muttered under his breath.
Peachy narrowed her eyes in skepticism. Shane wasn't fooling the old spy. His feelings for Kim dripped all over his face. She wondered how Shane would manage to keep his emotions in check in the near future.
"We're friends, Peachy." He explained. "I have to accept that."
"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" She cooed. Shane became annoyed and slapped his hand against his knee defensively.
"I don't get you!" Bending over to retrieve his pen, his voiced boomed across the plane.
"First, you chastise me for even thinking about pursuing her, and now you mock me for making amends and trying to forge some kind of…of…"
"What?" She pressed.
"Oh, I don't know!" He exclaimed. "But I promised her once that I would always be there for her even if I was with someone else…"
Shane leaned back and let his eyes focus on the mounds and mounds of cumulus clouds on the other side of the glass. Sighing,
"I can't help but feel that promise means if she is with another as well."
The familiar look of melancholy settled across his face while a wave of compassion for her protégé, swept across Peachy's.
"You don't trust this fellow, do you?"
Without taking his eyes off the monotonous view from outside the plane,
"I can't put my finger on it, Peach."
Peachy broke all pretenses and smiled broadly.
"Neither do I!" She chirped reassuringly. "I'll se what I can find."
Peachy hopped up from her seat and ventured towards the electronic equipment. Pausing, she whirled around and warned:
"But Laddie, you must be careful."
Shane abruptly pivoted towards sPeachy giving her his undivided attention.
"This Phillip character…"
"Yes."
"Laddie, he clearly doesn't see you as a threat at the moment."
"Maybe I'm not. If he checks out, then I will walk Kim down the aisle myself!"
Shane announced magnanimously his arm outstretched in dramatic fashion.
But Peachy's solemn expression never wavered.
"Oh, Laddie, even if Mr. Collier happens to be the one altruistic person in Hollywood, he's not going to fancy the idea that his fiancé's ex-husband is still in love with her!"
Peachy shook her finger at Shane and scolded,
"And if I was able to rattle you just now…"
Peachy paused.
Shane's sober expression demonstrated he understood her line of thinking completely.
"Tread very carefully with this one." She cautioned ominously.
A week later, while Shane was on location conducting business, Peachy called.
"I completed the errand you requested." She informed him cryptically.
As Shane cradled the phone, he sipped his espresso sitting at an open-air veranda overlooking the crystal blue-green waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea. Its translucent color mimicked Kimberly's eyes when she laughed. God, how he missed her!
Shane set the cup on its saucer with a 'clink.'
"Yes."
"He's pretty clean." Peachy sighed. "A prior for disorderly conduct during his college years with possession of a controlled substance."
Shane shrugged his shoulders. His shades concealed the menacing stare that accompanied Shane's otherwise casual countenance.
"Spent a great deal of time in New York when he started out after Film school during the early to mid 80's."
"Associates?"
"Still checking, Laddie."
"Thanks, Peach." Shane replied nonchalantly. He didn't want to give the impression of being over zealous in his investigation, not even to Peachy. However, quietly there was a rhythmic tap against his brain suggesting they were overlooking something.
Location: LA
Kayla stayed away for much of the week after Shane's departure. The effects the visit had on Kayla and Kimberly's delicate relationship completely eviscerated their ability to engage in surface interactions. Kimberly traced the faint scar on her healing injury pondering their next step. As the neighborhood children vacillated between front yards on the early autumn day, she strolled over to Kayla's front porch where her sister sat gazing at Stephanie ride her little red tricycle. Jeannie peddled close behind her cousin as the two made figure eight circles in the driveway.
"Hi, Kay." Kimberly greeted her sister gently. Kayla motioned for her sister to sit, yet shifted her focus back to the giggly girls a few yards to their right.
"Do you think about the times we played hopscotch on the pier?" Kayla observed. Her voice was saturated with nostalgia. Watching Stephanie and Jeannie was like peering through the looking glass.
"Sometimes." Kimberly replied mournfully seeing exactly what Kayla saw in them.
"It was simple then." Her sister sighed naively.
"It wasn't ever simple, Kay."
Kimberly bit her lower lip realizing the sharpness of her statement. Kayla's eyes widened. She whirled around to face her sister, clamping her hand over her mouth. Instantly, the tragedy of her sister's childhood sunk in. Despite growing up in the same home, the two naturally had vastly different perceptions of the experience. For the first time, Kayla grasped the reality of how she had shared a room with a complete stranger.
"Oh, Kimmie!" She gasped. "I wasn't thinking…I meant, I…" She stuttered.
"I know what you meant by it, Kay." Kimberly smiled compassionately patting her sister's hand letting her gaze flow back towards their little girls. A quiet stalemate enveloped the two as the laughter of children wafted amidst the rustling leaves of the trees. Kimberly let her eyes gaze upon Andrew and his buddies as they kicked a soccer ball around the cul-de-sac.
"What do we do now?" Kayla pleaded after long period of silence.
"I don't know."
Kimberly never took her eyes off her son.
"But I can't stop loving you." Kimberly choked on the words. She whispered.
"You're my baby sister."
Kayla's eyes burned with tears waiting for Kim to reveal the answer to their dilemma.
"I just…" Kim's words failed her.
"I'm so sorry…" Kayla pleaded, desperate for them to move forward. Wiping her tears with her shirtsleeve.
Kimberly turned her head to face her.
"You already said that when you first got off the plane, remember?"
"Yeah." Kayla looked down and pushed back the tears. "But we seem as far apart now as we were then." She took a deep breath.
"So what now?"
"I don't know!" Kimberly shot back. "We're not the same little girls who snuggled up under the blanket gossiping over little boys!"
Slapping her hand on her knee and motioning towards the house,
"We're not even the same women in your wedding picture that sets on your mantle!"
Kimberly dropped her head. She hadn't wanted to discuss these things because it only led to confrontations prolonging the pain. Kimberly glanced at the sky ready for the Santa Anna winds to clear the smog that enveloped the landscape perhaps blowing away the excruciating distant between them.
In a barely audible voice Kimberly added,
"You said it yourself: he wasn't a record or a sweater…"
Kayla shifted uncomfortably and scanned the yard.
More silence as the memories shuffled between shadows produced by the massive oak tree. Kayla's insistent stare got the best of Kim.
"I don't have the answers." Her older sister confessed.
"But you always know what to do?"
Kayla's voice raised an octave, very reminiscent of their childhood days when Kim or her brothers sheltered her from the battles that raged within the Brady home. The gravity of their plight hung over the two women as they watched their daughters' parade before them. The display showcased the stark contrast of youthful innocence against the backdrop of jealousy that had condemned the sisters. Kayla and Kimberly sat amongst the tattered remnants of their own friendship. Their blue eyes filled with tears.
"Maybe not… this time." Kimberly whispered in defeat.
Kayla cried softly.
"I want to make it up to you."
Kayla realized how futile her wish was when Kimberly gave her an astonished look.
"You can't."
The revelation was as oppressive as the smog that still hung over the valley, chaining the sisters to the porch. Not wanting to abandon their perch on Kayla's front steps, they remained as the sun lazily drifted behind the St. Gabriel Mountains. As they called their children home, Kim stood and reached for Kayla. Wrapping her arms around her sister, she hugged her tightly. It was the only thing Kim could offer at the moment and Kayla graciously accepted by reciprocating the gesture.
Location: Kim's house, a month later
Kimberly gazed adoringly at Andrew and Jeannie as she tucked them into their beds. A brisk breeze blowing in from the Santa Anna winds blanketed the valley with clear blue skies and reminded its residents that cooler weather was sure to follow. Kimberly craved the break from the oppressive heat and as the smog exited the atmosphere, the luxurious scenery unearthed rejuvenating her spirit. October snuck past, but November promised to roar through declaring Orange County was not immune to the wiles of autumn!
When Kimberly entered the living room, Phillip had lit a fire in the fireplace, dimmed the lights, and sat sprawled out on the sofa lazily watching the TV. They had spent the day running through corn mazes and enjoying hayrides with the children. A nice arrangement of petite pumpkins with a friendly cornstalk set on the hearth to the right of the fireplace. Fatigued, Kimberly slowly strolled over towards the back of the sofa. Phillip lifted his hand and grabbed hers, pulling Kimberly into his lap.
"Come here, you." He invited impishly.
Kimberly smiled pleasantly, but on the inside she felt the familiar pang of anxiety boil over inside her.
"Why was it so terribly difficult to be alone with him?"
Throughout their courtship, Phillip never wavered with his ability to entertain her and the children with creative day trips to the mountains, thrilling adventures on his boat, and a myriad of activities involving the children's hobbies that served to bring them closer as a familial unit. And Phillip and Kimberly were very adept in handling public social events together. Phillip continuously showered Kimberly with praise.
"I have found a woman who can be anything, do anything..."
The comment fostered more feelings of inadequacy than reassurance that accumulated given their current level of intimacy. Because of the magnitude of Kimberly's illness in the past year, the two should be treading lightly like they were starting all over. However, Phillip continued to act as if they should begin where they left off. The more Kimberly worked through therapy, the more she began to see the connection between her perceived 'new interests' at the time of their dating and the emergence of her alters. This recognition spilled over into her sessions with Dr. Allison. The leggy blonde keenly studied her patient surmising,
"These accolades must dredge up similar feelings regarding your father's references to you being the 'best and brightest.'"
Kimberly slowly shook her head.
"You need to address this with Phillip."
But he was never around for the little things that ushered in an atmosphere of exploration: the quiet moments of reading to the children, or discussing books, art, and current events with Kimberly. Topics of conversation between Phillip and Kim usually revolved around his work, or sexual innuendo- the latter being extremely difficult to engage in. Thankfully there was always someone around, a work related event, or the children to take the pressure off the problem between the producer and his fiancé. The arrangement didn't bother her before…but now?
Kimberly's heart started to tap lightly against her psyche demanding reconciliation. But she doubted her strength to handle one more upheaval, so once more her conscious won out by rationalizing that more time was needed to bridge the gulf that separated the two. As Kimberly slyly maneuvered herself next him, she tried to address these concerns.
"You know Phillip…" She began hesitantly propping herself inside the crook of her fiancé's arm. Phillip wrapped his left arm around her snugly to pull her body towards him.
"Yes, babe!" He interrupted. His blue eyes twinkling mischievously, Phillip's other hand traced the length of Kim's arm.
"I wish you wouldn't…" She suggested feebly.
"What?" He asked seductively.
When his fingers reached her shoulder, Phillip pressed his lips against hers.
Kim froze!
She turned her head to the side, but it only encouraged him to continue his seduction by letting his lips slide down her neck. Kimberly shifted uncomfortably pressing her hands against his chest.
"I am so lucky to have such a sexy…"
His hands groped around for a button to unfasten. Kimberly pulled away suddenly.
"Don't!"
Kimberly pushed him away, leaped off the couch, and rushed to the fireplace.
"Stop saying those things!" She cried in anguish.
A wave of annoyance flooded over Phillip before his expression changed to feigned compassion when he stood. He stepped closer and rested his hand on her shoulder for support.
"I can't…I don't know how…" Kimberly whimpered.
"Shhh, it's ok. I guess I got carried away." Phillip offered lightheartedly trying to ease her distress.
"I'm sorry." She whispered and began to cry quietly.
"Can't we just sit and talk?" Kimberly wondered out loud, her arms still wrapped protectively around her. She hadn't realized Phillip heard her until seeing his perplexed expression.
"That's all we do!" He blurted out irritably.
Kimberly shrunk back as though she had been physically cut by the remark. But there was a little spark inside that insisted on being heard.
"No, we don't! We are constantly engaged in some type of activity, but do we ever really have a conversation that doesn't revolve around a movie?"
"I thought you liked my work!" He shot back taking offense at her suggestion.
Kimberly ran her fingers through her hair in frustration.
"I do!" She groaned feeling completely discouraged by the direction this argument was taking. "That's not what I meant!"
Phillip became increasingly uncomfortable with it as well. He stepped back trying to regain some composure. The last thing he needed was a personal crisis to develop while trying to court the right kind of investors for his latest project. Phillip Collier had done his time in the business and it was starting to pay off! One day his name would be synonymous with Spielberg and his ilk. For some reason, Kimberly captivated the fickle little group and any sign of distress no matter how trivial, could cause the money to be rescinded. It was like dealing with toddlers at times. Phillip thought quickly and reached for her hand.
"Hey, hey!" He cajoled. " Look, let's not fight."
Kimberly's eyes brimmed with tears, recognizing the stranger standing before her.
Struggling for something to say in order to cut off his fiancé's train of thought, Phillip's eyes scanned the room.
"Babe, we'll think of something but I probably should head home. I have an early morning conference call with some people in Berlin…"
His words trailed off as he realized the topic validated Kim's observation. His mind racing, Phillip placed his hands on her shoulders.
"Look, I hear what you're saying." He began smoothly. " We'll talk about this more later." He added encouragingly.
Kissing her quickly on the forehead, Phillip left the house in a hurry. He did not want her to see his temper at having been worked up only to be let down by her rejection. Kimberly stood quietly by the fireplace until she heard the door close and then collapsed back onto the sofa in tears. She punched the overstuffed decorative pillow in anger. Kimberly had hit a brick wall with him! She thought if she spent more time with Phillip, then the ingredients would mix together perfectly.
"I just want to make him happy." Kimberly lamented to herself. Yet, when he kissed her, Kim felt mechanical and void of any desire to 'perform.' There was an eerie familiarity to her feelings and Kimberly's soul began to rebel against the role-play. She sobbed sorrowful tears over her situation. This wasn't working out how she planned!
Curled up on her sofa, Kimberly wept freely feeling utterly and completely lost. She was literally surrounded by friends and family, yet the loneliness threatened to drown Kim.
"When will I ever be whole again?"
Her words still hung in the air intermingling with the crackling fire as the phone rang.
"Hello?" Kim's voice sounded strained.
"Kim?" A deep familiar voice filtered over the line.
Pause
"Heeey, it's Shane." His voice was smooth as silk, warm and instantly inviting. "Are you alright?"
Kimberly quickly wiped her cheeks as though Shane could see her appearance over the phone.
"I'm fine." She insisted, but the wispiness of her voice combined with a sniffle slip up, destroyed any attempt to mask the obvious.
"Kim, you're a terrible liar." Shane acknowledged affectionately.
"I'm just feeling blue." She acknowledged softy.
The heaviness of her voice jolted Shane out of his laissez-faire demeanor induced by the warmth of the Italian morning sun. He sat upright in his chair with his elbows propped on the table before him, letting his eyes focus on the sea as they spoke. The attentive spy knew Kimberly well enough to know that her admission was not an invitation to reveal the source of her melancholy, so Shane didn't press her.
" Just returning the call, Ms. Brady."
"Oh!" Kimberly acknowledged, remembering she phone earlier regarding his plans for Thanksgiving. Pulling herself up from the couch, Kimberly fixed herself some tea while updating Shane on the children's activities. Her stories seemed to relax them both so after a few chuckles over their children's antics, Shane regaled her with descriptions of his latest travels across Europe.
"Oh, you must stroll down the Appia Antica!" Kim interjected at one point in their discussion.
"It clears the mind."
"Ah, I'm not in Rome now, but perhaps I should take a trip north tomorrow."
"You'll need to wait until next Sunday, remember? "Kimberly chuckled. "Or else the locals will run you over with their cars!"
Shane laughed out loud heartily.
"No! No more altercations with motor cars between the two of us!"
The heavy burden that weighed on her had departed as they engaged in playful banter.
"You're terrible!" She exclaimed laughing. "You are making me pea green with envy talking about these things."
Kim sighed longingly.
"I miss Italy."
"What? You prefer to hear about the assignments that send me to quaint little areas of the world?" Shane accused her jokingly. "Say…Siberia?"
"Or Timbuktu!" She quipped.
Unbeknownst to Kim, Shane's mood at the start of their conversation had mirrored hers. Though he basked in the glow of the Mediterranean paradise, deep within Shane felt as cold without her as if he were in fact, stationed in the blustery tundra!
"Misery loves company!" She retorted triumphantly.
"Touche!" Shane recognized the reference immediately.
They continued conversing over the phone for hours until the ease of the discourse induced drowsiness upon Kim. Their conversation drew to a close.
"Shane?"
"Yes?" His voice was low and smooth.
"Thank you."
Shane smiled empathetically and though she couldn't see his expression, Kimberly felt his steady gentle manner. It comforted her.
"It was nothing." He assured her.
But for Kimberly it was everything!
The next morning after taking Andrew to school, Kimberly placed breakfast dishes into the dishwasher as Jeannie sat propped on the barstool in front of her, coloring in her Beauty and the Beast coloring book. The doorbell rang.
"Who could that be, Pretty Girl?" Kimberly asked her wide-eyed daughter whose blue eyes sparkled like her mother's. Picking Jeannie up and swinging her around until she rested on Kim's right hip, they walked to the door to answer it. A gentleman held a bright pink box with the name of Kimberly's favorite local bakery emblazoned in black Old English lettering: As You Like It.
"Mummy, mummy, a present!" Jeannie squealed as Kimberly stared at the box puzzled. She cautiously assumed Phillip would send flowers after what had transpired.
"Sign here, Ma'am." The man requested bluntly.
"But I didn't order…"
"It was a phone in. Paid for and requested delivery to a 212 Valley…" The man eyed Kimberly with a bit of impatience.
"That's you."
"But you don't deliver?" She replied skeptically.
"Lady, we do when our customers are that generous." The man smiled knowingly. "Someone thought you were worth the effort!"
Kimberly put Jeannie down and took the box, still perplexed by the gift. The deliveryman, who was not dressed as one, saluted and started on his way.
Kimberly slowly shut the door and glanced at her energetic little girl, who excitedly ran in circles. Following her mother into the dining room, Jeannie ogled the pink box with anticipation.
"Let's take a look at what we have!" Her mother suggested in an animated voice. Opening the box, Kimberly knew instantly who bought the gift.
"Ah come on! One more cheesecake and we'll be positively euphoric!" He proclaimed.
"I'd settle for being mildly content." She playfully slapped him on the arm. "How about you?"
"Well I must admit I was a little down in the mouth." He confessed.
Shocked by the admission.
"I thought you said you weren't depressed?"
"I thought you said you didn't want to talk?" He retorted.
"I didn't, but I'm glad you didn't push me…" ~1984
Tears formed in her eyes reliving the sweet memory from both the distant past and recent present. As Jeannie pulled on her mother's arm for attention, Kimberly slumped down into one of the dining room chairs and read:
Dearest Kimberly,
Remember, cheesecakes are natural cures for the blues.
Always,
Shane