A/N: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You have every right to hate me. I'm a terrible person. I haven't updated in seven and a half months. I wrote most of this chapter, but lost the file and completely gave up until now. I randomly logged on, saw all the encouraging reviews, and suddenly thought, hey, why not?

I know I've lost most, if not all, of my readers. But for those who have tolerated all of this crap, I love you SO much. (Don't be creeped out by that, I say it to everyone.) I hope my writing style hasn't changed too drastically. It's been a long year, but I love being a freshman! I can't believe I started this in July '09.

Just to clear it up for those who don't understand: This. Is. A. Parody. I got a couple comments on how annoying Stella is, and perhaps those was meant as insults (or just constructive criticism?), but that's exactly how I intend it to be. So, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Review!

I knew it was them right away. I mean, what other family wore matching swamp-green bandanas that contrasted grossly with their whiteness? It was like some weird cult. Like those Indians, only not.

They all arrived together. The two "parents"- whose names I neither remembered nor cared about – led the group. The man had sandy blonde hair; the woman deep brunette ringlets. They carried plates of what looked like cat barf. Behind them walked Nosalie and Emzit, who, aside from being total freaks, were the most normal of the family. Then came Allison and Gasper, the biggest loners of the loners. Well, save for one person. He was strutting awkwardly at the rear of the group. Yes, yes. My best buddy.

The group made their way to Barley and Hillbilly, who were clearly already drunk, and began to chat. Neither Edworm nor the others had seen me yet. Phew.

But, apparently, someone else had.

"Splendacorn!" Barley slurred. "Get your ass over here. Except you might wanna bring the rest of your body, too. Though I bet some of these Sullens would like making acquaintance with your ass, eh?"

And I thought I couldn't be any more humiliated. I was actually going to rip out Barley's sideburns when this thing was over. Like, no joke.

It wasn't like I was going to go chat it up with them, though. Ha, and Barley thought he was being cool. Turning to Ike, I quickly struck up a conversation about eyebrow waxing in Libya. "-so, like, they just get those super poisonous snakes to eat off all your extra eyebrow hair, so your face is pretty. 'Cause all they do there is play with snakes and rocks all day; there's nothing else to do. And no one goes to school, and they live in grass huts with no running water, and the men only use leaves to cover themselves up with, but it's okay because they're all totes buff…" I trailed off, unsure where my story was going. Okay, so that wasn't all straight fact. But I'd heard something was going on in this Libya place, whatever and wherever it was.

I'd assumed we were safe, but suddenly a wrinkled finger jabbed my shoulder.

"Stel, didn't cha hear us yelling at you?" I looked up, sighing, to see Hillbilly grinning at me from his wheelchair. Damn cripple. "We came to say hi."

Fantastic. The whole P.U. crew was here to chill with us. I was instantly sick to my stomach. "Um, you know what? I'm done with this. Ike, take my plate." I threw it dramatically in his direction, but apparently he'd excused himself for the bathroom, so it landed in the mini pond. Whatever. Fish could chew the nutritional value out of Styrofoam. It had, like, Vitamin P, right?

"Sweetsplenda, now, don't throw a temper tantrum." He turned to the Sullens. "She's been a little off her rocker these last few days. I looked up her symptoms on the 'Internet', and I'm thinking it's either pregnancy or ."

I gritted my teeth as Hillbilly gave an understanding nod. The "father" was giving me a stare that was almost, like, pity. Oh, if only he knew how much I pitied him. It's not anyone's fault if they're born loserish, after all.

Cue the awkward silence. God, why was it that everything involving Edworm was automatically awkward?

Eventually, Barley said, "So, this is my grandson, Stella." I gave him a look. "Oh, I mean granddaughter. I'm getting old, huh, Splenda?" He nudged me with his elbow. I nudged him back, hard, and he emitted an uncomfortable oof.

Pale Blondie offered a hand to me. I glanced between it and his face with raised eyebrows. Luckily, he got the message, and just sighed. "My name is Fartlisle Sullen. I understand you have biology class with my son, Edworm."

I had always been under the impression that Edworm was the kind of kid that told his parents every single detail about his life. This assumption, I now knew, was spot on.

"Well, your understanding is just… Stupid, okay?" I spat back. Fartlisle frowned, confused. Ooh, burn. Stella: 1, Farty: 0.

"My name is Besme," the woman next to him said.

I still didn't shake her hand, but, y'know, she had a pretty face. Maybe if she got a tan and a life I'd actually like her.

Naturally, I voiced this to the lady. Besme gave a half-hearted, confused laugh and turned to her husband. They just looked dumbly at each other for a few seconds, after which she turned back to me. "Well, Stella, it's great to meet you. I'll leave you and my son to do… Whatever you like."

"Oh, hell no," I said. "No nasty implications, please. And we are not friends."

How clear could I make myself?

The rest of the family had been watching in mild interest, but after the adults dispersed, turned off to do their own things instead of make introductions. Allison and Gasper were whispering to each other on walkie talkies, despite being six inches apart, Rosalie was applying mascara (finally, someone with sense) and Emzit was reading Playboy. Edworm was nowhere in sight. Typical.

Rolling my eyes, I turned back to the popular group, a.k.a. my friends, and said, "Come on, let's go to the beach. There's still some sun left, so maybe we can get a tan in. And Geric, did you bring the alcohol?"

Geric put a finger to his lips and nodded. And for good reason, probably. It wasn't that Barley would disapprove of my underage drinking, but more that he'd take the liquor for himself.

"Okay," I said, "who's in?"

"Totes," Jessica said.

"Um, yeah," said Ike.

"Foshizzle," said Skylar.

"Fine," said Angel. Though I was a little annoyed with her lack of enthusiasm in my plan, I kind of got it. I mean, I did dump her on the road last night, blindfolded and unconscious. And some random hobos did pick her up and take her to Seattle, where they tried to auction off her hair on a street corner. She didn't get home till noon today, when the police showed up and arrested the hobos. So, I guess I was feeling the tiniest bit sympathetic. Gosh. Who knew I had it in me?

"Alright, guys, let's get out of here. This is like the worst day ever, in my whole entire life. No freaking joke."

Skylar raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Mine was when both my parents and my brother were murdered by my crazy uncle serial killer. That was last year, actually."

I rolled my eyes. "Mine wins."

We left the backyard area and took a path to the beach. At least, I hoped it was the beach. I knew that Jaykay freak would've gladly given me directions, but then he probably would have invited himself. Plus, I didn't see him anywhere.

But I did have a fabulous sense of direction, so fifteen minutes later we were standing on a beach. It was pretty, no broken glass or sticks littering the sand. No wonder people had wanted to use the Indians as slaves (like, I only knew that because Barley was obsessed with the history channel and regularly forced me to watch his hour-long reenactments of the programs). They sure knew how to clean up! (A/N: Please know I am not racist AT ALL. This is, however, a parody, and Stella being racist and narrow-minded is a) fun and b) makes her the opposite of Bella. So, please don't be offended!)

I didn't have a towel or anything, which was super annoying, but I figured the sand wasn't, like, crawling with insects. I slipped off my shorts and tank top. It was getting chillier in the evenings, but not too cold to show off my smokin' bikini bod. Like there was even a temperature for that.

Everyone except Skylar had brought a swimsuit, as I'd told them to, so the guys splashed around in the water while us girls worked on our tans. I put on my aviators, which gave me a perfect excuse to gaze at Ike's 2-pack. Sunset was approaching, the sky lighting up with shades of pink (finally, a good color to look up at), red, and orange. Since red and orange were the colors of fire and blue was the color of water, and fire was hotter than water, and hotness made you tan, I figured sunset was the perfect time to get tan. Sometimes even my own logic impressed me.

I must have fallen asleep for a few minutes, because the next thing I knew, dusk had set in. Jessica and Angel were sitting beside me, talking quietly, and the boys were… Being manly. Arm wrestling or talking about rocks, or something. Like, I didn't know.

"I'm awake," I announced loudly.

Nearly everyone ignored me (the nerve of them!) except Jessica, who looked over and smiled. "I think some people are building a bonfire a little further down the beach. We should totes go chill with them."

"Bonfire? Ew. Is it with the Indians?" I wrinkled my nose.

"Probably. But aren't bonfires, like, good for your skin?"

I perked up immediately. I'd never heard that, but, like, why would Jessica lie to me? "I'm in."

We found the group a little ways up the beach. Luckily, it did not include Barley, but I saw Jaykay and that bratty girl I tried to talk to earlier. A few people smiled at us as we joined. I huddled by the warmth, watching the orange flames dance rhythmically and feeling the radiating heat on my face. It was kind of nice, I had to say. Especially since I knew that tomorrow, my skin would be glowing and gorgeous.

So maybe I'd misjudged the natives, just a little. Some of the guys had taken off their shirts, and damn they had nice bodies. But I knew better than to go flirt with them, because 1) I had Ike, and 2) They probably didn't even speak English. And I didn't speak Chuchoraratititata, or whatever their language was.

I glanced over and saw that Geric had broken open his stash of special punch, which had who-knows-what in it. I served myself a cup and chugged half of it, wincing when the liquid hit my throat. God, that was, like, totes strong. But after the scarring events of the evening, I deserved to get a little tipsy.

Well, maybe more than a little. Four cups later, I was screaming "We R Who We R" into my shoe (makeshift microphone, duh) at the top of my lungs. Ke$ha, honestly, was my idol. She wrote about such deep stuff, like being sleazy and creepy old men hitting on you.

My friends and most of the Indians were pretty much wasted, too. It was amazing. The scene in front of me was spinning, but it wasn't unpleasant. The warm, flickering firelight mixed with the dark beach and was actually, like, pretty. Nature. Wow, who would've known? Maybe I was just that drunk.

Eventually, I lost my balance trying to jerk and fell back onto the sand. I lay there, sprawled on my back, and looked up at the stars. Vaguely, I wondered where Ike was. The last I'd seen, he was playing some drinking game with Geric and Skylar. My head began to spin. Ugh. Of all the places to get drunk, I'd done it at some tribal bonfire on the beach.

I felt someone collapse next to me. Looking over my shoulder, I saw that it was Jaykay. I scooted away quickly, though it was a little awkward on the sand. Wouldn't want whatever he had rubbing off on me.

"What, do I have cooties?" His tone was slightly slurred, but still teasing.

"More like rabies." I wrinkled my nose. He seemed to find this hilarious, and spent about three minutes in a fit of laughter.

I took this opportunity to study him through the firelight. Like, I wouldn't normally have wasted my time, but I was extremely drunk. His hair was dark and thick, slightly wavy, his skin even tanner than mine (not freaking fair). His nose was awkward and pig-like, though, and he had tiny black beetle eyes, so not exactly a sight for sore eyes. His teeth, well, they were white, but as he laughed, a steady fountain of slobber dripped from his tongue.

I scooted another two feet away.

"Okay, sorry about that," he said, gasping for breath.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm sure you're sorry." I held my hands up in front of my face, intending to examine my nails, but even they were swaying back and forth.

"Listen, I know we don't really… connect, but can we at least try to be friends?"

I rolled my eyes. "Um. Change your name, change schools, start being normal, start wearing clothes from this century, and I'll think about it."

Jaykay laughed. I plugged my ears. "You're right," he said. "Our grandpas are trying to set us up, I think. I was just going along with it."

What? But, when I thought about it, I wouldn't put it past Barley. There were a lot of things I could've said right then, but somehow I refrained.

"Hey," he said, "so you're friends with the Sullens, huh?"

I laughed loudly. "Um, as if. I've only ever talked to Edworm, and that experience was bad enough." He didn't need to know exactly how much I'd actually talked to him. Like it had been my choice.

His tone sounded more relaxed. "Good. You might want to stay away from them."

"Ooh, being all protective, huh? Well, get this, bud: there is nothing between us. We are not friends, and we are not dating. We are nothing. So don't you tell me what I can and can't do."

"Whoa, calm down. This has nothing to do with… us. I'm just looking out for you. There are some legends, passed down among our people. The Sullens are not like us."

"No fucking duh," I said. "They're total losers. You, at least, have melatonin in your skin."

"Um, do you mean melanin? I'm pretty sure melatonin is sleep medi-"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Whatevs. Anyway, what does your legend thing say?" As much as I hated to admit it, I was really, really curious about this. If they were actually something besides, well, freaks, I needed to know.

"You promise not to tell anyone? I promised Hillbilly I would keep it a secret." He sounded nervous.

"Oh yeah. I would never. Come on, native boy, do I look like I'm going to go give away your precious secret?"

He looked me up and down. I flicked him off. "Um. No?"

I smiled. Ha. Ha. Ha.

"Alright, you're going to have to shut up for a little while and not interrupt. Got it?" I scowled, but didn't say anything. "Hillbilly was pretty vague about this, but he called the Sullens The Pointy Ones. Don't ask me what it means – I don't know. He said they've been our enemies for a long time, and that they can only cause us harm. And also that they're not what they appear to be. That's really all I know."

"Um. Boy, you're going to have to tell me more than that. What are they? Some sort of gang?"

He shrugged, though it was super awkward looking, considering he was, like, lying down. "Probably. I don't know."

"Ugh." Some people were just so dumb. "Why are they here, if you don't like them so much?"

"Barley likes them. He'd already invited them by the time Hillbilly found out. And he couldn't very well uninvite them."

"Why the hell not? I do it all the time."

"You would, Stella. You would."

I didn't have a comeback for that. I know, right? Crazy. I lie there for a few minutes, fuming. I absolutely could not stand being teased or made fun of, even if it was intended as a joke. Unless a super hot guy was doing it – I could tolerate that. But Jaykay, clearly, did not qualify.

Jaykay excused himself to go to the bathroom (like, awks much?), which left me some clean air, finally. I sat up in the sand. Now that I'd rested for a while, I felt a little better. No sooner had I combed out my hair, though, that Jessica appeared by my side with a shot of something clear. "Is this water?" I asked. "Cause I really don't w-"

"Come on, Stella! It's good for your hair! It has… nutrients. Drink up."

I perked up immediately. Maybe it was vitamin water. I gulped it down.

Big mistake. The effects were immediate. I collapsed back down onto the sand, my head buzzing and thoughts trampling each other. I made a mental note to revoke Jessica's hot tub privileges.

"Alright, kiddies, time to pick up the puck and get your lumpy butts on home!"

The voice sounded far away through my drunken stupor, but just by the word choice, I could tell it belonged to Barley. Hopefully he wouldn't notice me here. I was suddenly too tired to care how sandy my hair was getting – I just… wanted… to… s… s… s….

…

"Splenda! There you are. It's time to get your buttocks on home, little missy."

I didn't move. My eyelids felt like hunks of lead (though that might've partly been due to the fact that I was wearing three layers of false eyelashes), and I couldn't force my mouth to form words.

"Oh, for goodness sake, Splend. Are we going to have to drag you out of here? Unless you're dead, in which case I'm quite sorry."

I didn't answer that one either. Suddenly, a pair of cold, yet strong, arms were hoisting me up and setting me on my feet. I groaned, my body crumpling beneath me. I didn't know which way was up – I only felt gravity, yanking in a hundred different directions.

Then I heard the voice. The voice I'd sworn I'd never have to hear again; the one that echoed in my head whenever I was alone, reminded me of all the evil in this world.

"I'll take care of her, Mr. Goose. She's in good hands."

Edworm.

"Oh, don't worry, Eddy. I trust you. Heh, heh. You and my daughter can become better acquainted, too!"

Hell. No.

With all my might, I wrenched my eyes open, blinking and trying to get my bearings. A false eyelash was dangling gingerly from my right eye, which partially obscured my vision. Edworm and Barley were staring at me. I opened my mouth to make some snappy retort, but all that came out was a monstrous burp. Ugh, nightmarish much?

Edworm's hands were still supporting me. I tried to push them away, but I was too weak. Too tired. What was in that drink?

I felt myself falling again, and this time I didn't care who caught me. I tried not to think that it was Edworm, since Barley was definitely not strong enough to hold me up. I mean, he worked out with two-pound weights.

Sure enough, I felt a pair of cold, clammy hands close on my waist. Then, though I wasn't sure if it was because of exhaustion or extreme drunkenness, I blacked out.