Before long, the server comes by to take their orders. Without the menu as an excuse for not talking, Haru stares out the window instead. The restaurant is located on a busy street, and there are a number of interesting-looking people outside. He spots couples and groups of friends. There's a businessman in a stiff-looking black suit whose rushing somewhere; there's a single lady in her mid-twenties with a small dog on a leash; there's a college student with his face stuck in this week's Jump magazine, and countless others. Haru wishes he had his sketchbook to distract himself, but instead settles on engraving their faces and proportions into the reference book in his head. As an artist, he measures them with straight edges and angles.
"Haru. Oi, Haru!" It's Rin speaking, and Haru reluctantly takes his eyes away from the window.
"What?" He asks, tone flat.
"Have you been swimming lately?"
Haru narrows his eyes. Rin has never lost his penchant for demanding they race, even after they were both in national and international competitions and finally, the Olympics.
"I'm not racing," he says preemptively.
Rin pulls the sad-puppy look on him, but Haru glances away. If they were at a pool, it would be impossible to turn Rin down. But, as it is, they are in a restaurant and can't go swimming for a good while after they eat.
"Ugh, fine." Rin rolls his eyes. "Just kill the mood, will ya?"
"What mood?" Haru looks back at the redhead innocently.
Then, Makoto chooses to intervene before Rin has a chance to get angry. "Maybe we can go swimming later? Like tomorrow? I'll be staying in Tokyo for a few days, so we have time."
Luckily, their food comes soon after, and Haru picks at his making sure it lasts. The rest of the conversation continues with more random small talk between Makoto and Rin. During the meal, Haru glances at Sousuke once or twice. It's been a week since they saw each other, and they haven't spoken at all, not even through text. There's a longing in his thoughts as he measures the distance between them in his mind. They are less than a meter apart, but Haru has no idea what Sousuke's thinking.
Lunch takes a painfully long time for Haru. They finishes their food, and Haru has half of his put in a box to take home. He has a little more left over than usual, but not even Makoto says anything about eating properly. The queasiness is still there, maybe worse, and Haru wishes the outing would end. It's not that he dislikes seeing his friends, it's the atmosphere there today. It feels different than before, and the distance between him and Sousuke is more painful than it should be. Haru doesn't dare name the reason why.
Rin insists on ordering dessert, and Haru lets out a small sigh. It's more time before he's free again. He turns his gaze back to the window. There are still a number of people walking past. Some walk quickly, some don't. He watches how they walk. There are people who walk in long strides and others who take smaller steps. He observes how they place their weight and how much of it they let rest on any given step. He watches how their clothes hang. Coats tend to be stiff and they move in a more stilted way while scarves flow behind people or are tucked around their ears. Haru takes in the crowd as a source of inspiration for the sketches he draws, but, again, he finds his process interrupted.
"Haru, Sousuke," Rin begins.
Haru raises an eyebrow at the formal tone Rin has adopted. He can sense Sousuke next to him straighten in his seat.
"I have a boyfriend." Rin glances at them, but there's no particular surprise in that. "And, he's right here."
Makoto is very red and is staring very hard at the table. Haru glances from one to the other. It seems like it's true, if anything is to be gleaned from Makoto's embarrassed reaction. It's not prank Rin would pull anyway.
"Ok," Haru says. It's not his business who his friends date, unless it hurts them. He thinks Makoto and Rin will be fine. And if they're not, he'll offer Makoto a shoulder to cry on and whatever bits of advice he can muster despite his own lack of experience.
On the other hand, Sousuke is gaping at them trying to form words.
"Wait, what? Rin–you–I thought…Makoto?" Sousuke rests his chin on his hands, letting himself slump into the table. "Are you serious?"
"Of course I am," Rin replies, happily elbowing Makoto in the side.
"Yeah, he is," Makoto mutters, still too embarrassed to look up.
It takes a while for Sousuke to regain control of his vocal chords and ask how it happened. Rin, of course goes into reminiscence mode, and Haru can practically see the sparkles around him. He's seen Rin in a new relationship before, they all had, but he hopes, for Makoto's sake, that it's more than a fit of Rin's passion. From what he picks up from Rin's story, he's actually always loved Makoto, but didn't realize it until a few weeks ago. Sousuke opens his mouth to debate it, but glances at Makoto and thinks better of it. If they're happy, then that's fine.
A few minutes later, Makoto and Rin say goodbye. They manage to let slip that they're staying in the same hotel room and Haru blanches slightly. He really doesn't want to think about what they'll be up to. And then Makoto and Rin are gone in a flurry of smiles and blushes and waves goodbye. Sousuke stands up to go as well, and Haru slides out of the booth. The pile of clothing nearly falls off of his lap, but he catches it before it does. He stares at it for a moment before remembering why he brought the clothes.
"These are yours." Haru holds out the stack to Sousuke.
Sousuke takes them after a moment's hesitation. "Thanks."
That should be it for the conversation. During lunch, they hardly exchanged a word, talking mostly to Makoto or Rin. They should go now and continue not talking. Haru knows they'll meet again the next time Makoto and Rin drag them somewhere. He's been questioning his whole friendship with Sousuke over the past week, and there's no particular reason to stay. However, neither of them moves. Haru keeps his eyes on the floor, so he doesn't know where Sousuke's looking. If he were to guess, he would say he could feel the teal gaze on his face.
"I didn't see you at the pool this week," Sousuke comments, taking a stiff step towards the door.
Haru follows.
"I was busy. Making up time at work, and stuff." His voice sounds higher-pitched than usual, but only slightly unsteady.
They nod goodbye to the hostess and walk out of the restaurant's doors. There's another pause as they hover outside of the entryway. Cold wind whips around them and Haru buttons his jacket up to his nose. Sousuke stands clutching the pile of clothing and looking down at his hands, and Haru has his arms folded with his eyes on Sousuke's shoes. They're nice shoes, he would point out, but that has nothing to do with the silence between them.
"Thanks…again," Haru murmurs, breaking the silence with a voice hardly even a whisper.
"Anytime," comes the automatic reply. "I mean–I don't really want that to happen again, but I'll…I want to… Fuck. Give me a moment."
Haru lets his glance trail upward to Sousuke's shoulder. The feeling between them has changed, and there's something hanging in the air between them. It's a turning point; Haru can feel it. It may be dramatic, but the thinks that whatever happens next will change his life. He's not sure if he wants Yamazaki to be the one to change his life, but with things like this, there's hardly ever a choice.
"Go out with me."
Haru's eyes snap immediately to Sousuke's.
"Please," Sousuke adds, and there's a note of pleading that hooks in Haru's chest and tugs at his heart painfully, but he takes a step back.
"I'm," Haru begins a sentence he doesn't know how to end, and he's surprised to hear how much his voice is shaking. "I can't."
Haru turns his gaze to the ground. There's a sense of something crashing around him. It's the fall of unnamed hopes and the chance to be a little closer to someone.
"Can't?" The way Sousuke echoes the word seems hollow, but Haru doesn't lift his head to make eye contact.
"You're straight, aren't you?" Sousuke lets the words hang in the air.
The words come as a shock. It's not what Haru expected, but he can't find the breath to reply. Wrong, he answers in his head, even though he knows Sousuke won't hear it. It's not that, it's– Haru can't speak the words he's thinking. His mouth opens, but it's no use. Sousuke can't hear him if he can't talk.
"Why did I think this was a good idea? Forget it. I'll see you the next time Rin and Makoto feel like dragging us along. See you later, Nanase."
Haru feels his frame shudder at the tone of voice. Nanase? Something in him snaps. His head jerks up, but all he sees is Sousuke's back. People pass between them, and all Haru can do is stare. Within seconds, there isn't a trace of the tall swimmer in the crowd. Haru's knees shake under his weight, and when a stranger accidentally bumps against him, Haru falls against the outside wall of the building.
He doesn't realize he's crying until his breath catches in his throat and he needs to gasp for air. His hands clasp tightly over his mouth. He doesn't want to draw attention to himself. His eyes fall to the ground again, and he sees the clothes he tried to return to Sousuke strewn across the ground. The sight in front of him hurts more than it should, and Haru makes his way forward, slowly, to pick them up again. He's left with pieces, that he gathers with trembling hands.
Sousuke leaves before Haru forms words, because he doesn't need to hear what the other man will say. He'd asked on a whim–in an uncharacteristic fit of something or other. Sousuke walks faster, picking up the pace in whatever direction his feet take him. He'll make it home eventually, and then he won't see Haru again until he has to. They can act like nothing happened; for Rin, for Makoto, they can deal with each other.
He comes to a halt in some residential neighborhood. The bright lights of the commercial strip with the movie theater are gone, and Sousuke has half a mind to turn around and find some place to drown the memories of the last few minutes. It's still day time though, and it feels wrong. There's too much time before he can lie down and sleep, and he's not sure he wants to anyway. As he stands, he comes to the conclusion that he and Haru should continue their mostly separate existence. He can't deny that he has been attracted to Haru, but that's mostly physical–he hardly knows the other man. Rin's stories hardly count.
He returns to the busy street without really thinking about it. His feet carry him there, and his hand tries to wave down a taxi. He doesn't feel like walking and wandering, because he's tired. At the same time, he doesn't want to be alone with his thoughts. He eyes the bar across the street. The sky is getting darker and evening is approaching. It's a weekend night, and there's nothing wrong with going for a drink or two. Sousuke lets his hand fall to his side; he doesn't need a taxi. The street is busy, but Sousuke weaves between the cars and ends up at the doors of the bar.
There's an "open" sign hanging in the front window. He knows he needs some kind of distraction or else he won't be able to get Haru out of his head. He's the only person in the place. It's not even dinner time yet, but it doesn't matter. It's unlikely that he'll run into anyone he knows. Rin and Makoto are probably being lovey dovey somewhere, and there's no one else he doesn't want to find him. Well, there's Haru, but that's the very reason why he's walking into a bar at 4:30 in the afternoon in the first place. Sousuke sits down heavily, and orders a three shots without even looking at the bartender.