A/N: Hello, everyone. I'm not dead. Welcome back to the show. Enjoy. -RFLCKSHN-

THE HAPPY TREE INTERVIEWS

Chapter Nine

Flaky

HOPSOVA VISITS ACORN PRESS

While on a seemingly impromptu visit to Acornia, Nordfrezia's rabbit president Mila Hopsova has called into the headquarters of the western branch of national newspaper Acorn Press. Hopsova met with managing director Tim Kernelstein, reporter Joe Grizzle and recordist Mal Roebuck - all directly involved with Acorn Press' government-endorsed interview investigation into Happy Tree and its citizens.

A press mob greeted the Nordfrezian President and her guards outside the building, where Kernelstein expressed his gratitude for Hopsova's interest in their operations.

"It's an understatement, really, to say that we are excited to have Miss Hopsova here today," said Kernelstein. "The fact that our investigation has not only generated enough interest to catch the attention of international figures, but brought them directly to us as well, really shows the success of our operation."

Hopsova declined to comment in detail on her reasons for visiting Acornia, but said, "I have been following the story of Acorn Press and Happy Tree since the re-appearance - I look forward to talking with Mr Kernelstein and his colleagues about various matters of interest to me."

There were attempts by assorted press to get more statements out of all parties involved, but Hopsova and her hosts quickly disappeared into the building.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION: Like Pine Tree Daily on Leafbook and follow us on LoudSpeaker [PineTreeDaily] to give your opinions on Hopsova's visit to Acornia.

-Condensed article from front page of tabloid news website PineTreeDaily, June 27 edition

The following is a transcript of an excerpt of an audio recording from the covert listening device of [REDACTED], an anonymous agent of the Nordfrezian Secret Service and Presidential Guard. The recording is of a conversation between Tim Kernelstein, Joe Grizzle and Mal Roebuck of Acorn Press, and the Right Honourable Ms. Mila Hopsova, President of the Commonwealth of Nordfrezia, on June 27. This recording was graciously supplied to Acorn Press by the Nordfrezian Government for public release via Acorn Press' publication "The Happy Tree Interviews". Important audio events are noted where appropriate.

[CUT]

TIM KERNELSTEIN: -A real pleasure to meet you once again, Miss Hopsova. And might I say, you are looking lovely this morning!

MILA HOPSOVA: Oh, thank you! But the guard put special effort into the neatness of their uniforms today - I'm sure they would appreciate words like that as well!

[There is mixed laughter.]

TK: Ah… well, here's the room. Away from the prying cameras. I know there are probably a few of them out there. We made sure to block the windows too, for extra privacy. As requested.

MH: Wonderful. It will be good to have a proper conversation with you three gentlemen.

[There is the sound of chairs moving as all individuals sit down.]

MAL ROEBUCK: God, I hate being the focus of press attention. I'd much rather be behind cameras and mics, not in front of them.

MH: Oh, of course. I know how you feel. My education was in media production… once I entered politics, it took some getting used to, having everyone's eyes on you, and... not the other way around. You do get used to it, after a while.

JOE GRIZZLE: You were involved in media too?

MH: Yes - I was a videographer for the National Film Board. I worked on many nationally-funded productions… I decided I needed to get into politics when we did a documentary on the Tiger Republic… but we're getting a bit off topic here.

JG: Uh, yes, yes. Well, I guess - what brings you to Acornia, first off?

MH: Oh, aside from meeting with members of Acornia's government, and discussing… certain matters… the Happy Tree situation, more than anything. I just had to see it for myself. And I'm also curious about the finer details of your investigation. It is the final day I'm here before I fly back to Fjordheim, so I may as well use the time I have left to, um… indulge my curiosity.

TK: Well, what would you like to know?

MH: I suppose I'd like to know how the workload is. It must be quite intense.

TK: Ah, yes - well, let's just say it's a good thing that we're relatively close to Happy Tree. We're only a couple of counties over.

JG: Indeed. And Happy Tree, and the interviews, are now my sole assignment. Tim's moved me off all other commitments. No more regular columns or day-to-day writing, it's all Happy Tree.

MR: Same here. When I'm not at the booth with Joe, recording the interviews and other stuff… I'm back here, at Western branch HQ, editing and transcribing.

TK: We're eating, sleeping, and breathing this. It's taking up our whole lives.

MH: I see. And what are your plans for the future of the investigation? Is there a particular end point for all of this?

[There is approximately 2 seconds of silence.]

TK: Uh… to tell you the truth, we haven't really thought that far ahead. Well, I haven't at any rate. Joe, Mal?

JG: Well… I guess we're in the same boat, aren't we?

MR: Mmm.

JG: It's impossible to tell where this is going to take us. I mean, Mal and I are just working in the present and near future right now. We won't stop this until we find some kind of resolution to the Happy Tree situation, but we just don't know how far away that resolution is - if the resolution even exists.

[There is a distinct beeping sound.]

JG: I - what was that?

MH: Agent?

[REDACTED]: Es sicher vas perturben.

MR: Hey, what's he holding in his-?

MH: Ils ecoute?

[REDACTED]: Ya.

MH: Hmmm. Well, we're clear.

TK: Huh? What?

MH: Just as we thought. The room was bugged. My agents have just scrambled the signal.

JG: Bugged? By who?

TK: Oh, man… take a guess, Joe.

MR: ...Why the hell would anyone want to bug us?

MH: Well, I'm here, for one. I could discuss very sensitive information with you. As a matter of course, Davis doesn't want to take any chances. And, as it happens, neither do I.

MR: Davis… Damworth? Our President?

MH: Yes. He's a good beaver, Davis… but none of us trust him or his agencies to do the right thing concerning Happy Tree.

JG: What is the right thing to do, at this point?

MH: That is… still unclear. But from my correspondence with him, I've got reasons to believe he's keeping a few secrets about how to react to the events of the past few months.

JG: How do you mean?

MH: Those satellite images of Happy Tree and Pithekos we just released? The governments of Acornia and Petrasilestan saw them before anyone else did, days and days ago. And Davis… Davis didn't want the Happy Tree images to be released. He wanted his agencies to study them and give us the all-clear to release them when they said so.

TK: Oh, jeez...

JG: Well, obviously it didn't turn out that way… what convinced him to let you release them?

MH: Nothing. They're the property of my government - I authorised the release of the images anyway. [Snorts] That's the biggest reason I'm here… diplomacy. I had to deal with the fallout of that decision, get Davis to see my point of view. There's a bit of tension between us now. I don't know if I made the right decision. But it doesn't matter to me - what's most important is that the information is out there. It won't just be us in the Arboradian governments looking at it now, but the entire world. And maybe we'll get something figured out sooner. There's nothing stopping Acornia from analysing the images as it is. Besides… it isn't just Davis that has citizens trapped in Happy Tree. I do as well.

JG: ...Lammy.

MH: Mmm. We managed to identify her thanks to the census that's running over here, and her former mental hospital's records. The NSS already had a file on her and what happened to her… and what she did. It goes slightly beyond what the patient archives at Split Peak say. Very troubled girl.

MR: Wait, wait, I've just realised. How is Damworth going to react to you scrambling the bugs' signals?

MH: He won't know they were scrambled. Why do you think I started by asking you those innocent questions? It's not much of a cover, but it's better than nothing. To the AIB agents listening in, it will just seem like the devices briefly malfunctioned. And when I say briefly, I mean we can't permanently deactivate them. We are trying to simulate a glitch in the devices' transmitters. They may be trying to remotely reset them as we speak, so we don't have much time left.

TK: I'm sorry to interrupt, but… this is all very sensitive stuff. This is the kind of shit that can get us thrown in jail, or worse… and you impeached, or whatever happens in Nordfrezia. I mean, I don't want to sound rude, Miss Hopsova - but you're taking what constitutes a security breach for two countries, and… brazenly feeding it straight to civilians who work for a news outlet. Why are you telling us all this? And why us in particular?

MH: Because I believe in what you are doing. I know, it's… very unprofessional of me, and I'm taking a huge risk… but I feel like you need to know. I wanted to warn you about Davis and his administration… be careful. Acornia's government may be lending their support to this media exercise on the outside, but… I don't doubt that they have their own goals with this. Davis has said his main priority is the safety of his citizens. It's genuine, I know it is, and it's a noble pursuit, but I feel he is misguided. I'm sure you remember what happened at the interview with the war veteran.

[There is approximately 3 seconds of silence.]

JG: How do you know about Flippy and the AIB?

MH: We've got our sources. Just as Davis has his for what we try to keep from the public.

MR: And you really trust us with all this?

MH: Well, now that I've told you, what other option do you have than to keep it a secret? Acorn Press is effectively under duress anyway - once again, the bugged rooms. Maybe one day, the time will come to reveal what we've just discussed… but that time is not now.

TK: But… how do we know we can trust you?

MH: ...Honestly, I can't answer that question. You will have to decide yourself. Be on your guard… choose words carefully… watch each other's backs. And that's all we can talk about for now.

TK: But-

MH: I can't say any more. The listening devices are about to return to normal. Try to act natural. I'll ask you a question about your equipment. Sommes-nous en sicher?

[REDACTED]: Vana tres mosa bessur.

MH: Oh, I'm sure. And - would you mind telling me just what kind of logistics are involved in getting your equipment out to the location?

MR: Uh, it - errr, it's really not that bad. We have a makeshift studio at the booth with all the necessities, so we just bring the camera, plug in the microphone and we're good to go. I mean-

[CUT]

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure where to start… I have a lot to think about after today. This may be a very long entry… I hope Mr. Pickels doesn't see this.

We went out today, just for a walk and to enjoy the sunshine. We went to the park. Lots of people were having picnics, playing games, or just enjoying being outside. But like usual, I noticed a few sideways glances in my direction. Or, if I caught someone's eye, they would look away. I'm used to it now… everyone apart from Giggles, Petunia and Flaky… maybe Cuddles, Sniffles and Nutty too, do it at least a little. And even then, I can sense that they aren't totally comfortable around me. I used to think that it was just people being scared of me because of what Mr. Pickels does, even though I had told people so many times that the things he does aren't my fault. But after today, I'm not so sure about that.

We sat down on a bench… well, I did, and Mr. Pickels ran off, probably to go exploring. I sat there and soaked in the sun - Happy Tree does have nice summers. I looked around at all the people in the park, children playing at the playground, grown-ups lying on blankets, Lumpy selling ice creams from his truck by the side of the road. I managed to make eye contact with a few people passing by, but none of them had the smile I had for them. They mostly just looked at me with sadness or pity, before looking away and walking a little faster. I heard that my interview with Acorn Press was released just a day or two ago – I haven't read anything about it yet... Why would I? I was there – but these people must have. Maybe they felt sorry for me, but didn't know how to approach me? I don't know.

I ended up just looking at the ground, which meant I was very surprised when I felt someone sit down at the other end of the bench. I looked up and saw a bear I recognised - we had never spoken, but I had seen him around… cap, pipe, dressing gown… his name was Pop. He had brought his son along in a stroller. Cub was his name.

Cub jumped from the stroller and found a few fallen leaves to play with. Once he had seen that Cub was safe, Pop turned and looked at me… my first reaction was to look away and scratch the back of my head. But then he started talking to me.

"Lammy. Is that right?" he asked me.

I looked back at him, and said yes. He nodded and smiled, and looked forward again. We both just stared across the path at the trees for a while as Cub played. I let my mind wander a bit, so when he started talking to me again, I jumped.

"I read a summary of your interview in the papers when it came out." We looked each other in the eyes. I could see he was sad. "I'm so sorry. I know what it's like to lose somebody you never came close to knowing."

I thanked him for his words, and asked him who he lost.

"Cub would have had a brother or a sister," he murmured, "But we lost them, and their mother, too. That was before we ended up here."

I expressed my sympathy. I had heard that Pop and Cub got lost in Happy Tree about 50 years ago… that's a very long time to deal with something like that. We talked for some time about loss and family… my family, especially. I still didn't understand why my parents said what they said to me at the border, and I told Pop exactly that. All of the disappointment and hate I felt from them… it didn't make any sense… They said that I killed my brother, but I was there! I saw Mr. Pickels tell him to go away, and Adrien just left and never came back. I mean… I'm sure that's what happened. But Pop just blinked and went silent when I said that… I'm not_ [Writing unintelligible.]

Anyway, I thought I should change the subject away from me. "It is good that you still have Cub, though," I said.

"Yes, I suppose you're right… though I hardly think I deserve him with what I let happen to him," Pop said - Cub lost interest in the leaves and stumbled back over to the bench. He was chattering in baby speak as Pop picked him up. Pop then said, "I guess… even through what we've lost, we need to cherish the things we still have."

Cub looked from his father to me, and started giggling. After a moment, Pop suddenly held him up to me.

"Would you like to hold him?" He said.

I was caught by surprise… "What?" I said. "Really? You're not afraid?"

Pop seemed to hesitate. "No," he said… "Say hello to him."

I took Cub from Pop and sat him in my lap. We chattered and played. He laughed, I cooed. He had the biggest smile on his little face, and mine was probably bigger. That was something I never had the chance to do. I could almost have had that experience for myself, had things been different. It felt like a journey back to a memory I never had, and I didn't want it to end.

But… it had to at some point. Cub was not the baby I lost, and he belongs to Pop. Cub yawned, and I heard Pop say something like, "Oh, somebody's getting tired." I handed Cub back to him, and back into the stroller the baby went. He already looked sleepy. Pop said, "Time to go off to the cemetery."

I asked him why he would want to go to the cemetery. Pop looked at me and said, "It's our quiet place. I take him on a walk through there and he goes right to sleep. I mean, it's not like anyone really uses that place any more, right?" We shared a laugh. I thanked him for his time and attention, and he told me to think nothing of it. Such a nice bear…

He got out his pipe and gave it a few puffs, then we said our goodbyes, and he started to push Cub's stroller on its way. It was almost a happy ending for me, but then I heard Pop say, "And make sure to take care of where your pickle is. I'm not sure how it ended up over there."

I looked across the path and grass, and over to a tree a short distance away. Mr. Pickels was laying beneath the tree, in the form of a regular pickle. But then Pop passed in front of my view as he went on his way, and when Mr. Pickels came into view again, he was standing up. He looked at me with a disapproving face, and his arms were crossed.

We had an argument about me and Cub on the way home. I don't want to write too much about it here. I'll just say that he didn't like what I did. I don't know why… but I've come to realise that maybe Mr. Pickels doesn't care about me as much as I thought he did. And… maybe it's not so much that he shifts the blame on me for what he does, but, maybe…

Maybe

Maybe… Does he

Am I?

I don't

[Writing unintelligible.]

Maybe I should approach Flippy. I read his interview just a short time ago… I'm looking at it now. He talks about how he struggles with his own mind… how he struggles with other people… how he is seen as a threat - just like me.

-Extract from the diary of "Lammy", dated July 6. The text was originally written in Nordfrezian, and has been translated.

The following is a transcript of an interview conducted on audio and video between Joe Grizzle of Acorn Press, and "Flaky", a citizen of Happy Tree, on Tuesday July 7 for Acorn Press' publication "The Happy Tree Interviews". Important audio and visual events are noted where appropriate.

[RECORDING START]

ACORN PRESS: -ank you, Mal. Alright, let's get this on the road. Joe Grizzle here, once again, for Acorn Press. Local time is four thirty pm, seventh of July. Once again, we would like to state that we… have the full co-operation of the Acornian government in this investigation. Mal Roebuck is present in the recording booth, and our interviewee is sitting across from us, on the Happy Tree side of the interview booth. So, without further ado, what's your name?

FLAKY: Uh, it's - it's Flaky.

AP: Now, where did that come from?

F: Well, it - it's from, uh… [The interviewee picks a flake of dead skin from their scalp, briefly regards it, then tosses it aside.] That. My spines aren't really in the… best condition.

AP: I see.

F: I had the nickname for a long time. A g-group of girls at my school started it. They didn't like me very much. B-but I started calling myself the name, so they stopped.

AP: So you claimed the name as your own to take the power away from it.

F: Y-yeah! Exactly. But - they… they didn't like that. They started saying, and… and doing other things to me. Meaner things…

[There is approximately 4 seconds of silence.]

AP: ...Right. And, uh… how did you end up here?

F: The meaner things.

AP: I… uh…

F: They - they said… I was a freak. And…

[There is approximately 5 seconds of silence.]

AP: And…?

F: I don't… really wanna talk about it. They made me scared, and I ran.

AP: ...Okay. I guess - to move on, somewhat… How has Happy Tree treated you since you came here?

F: [The interviewee sighs.] I got stuck here about… twelve… th-thirteen years ago. I was about seventeen and a half. Y-you've probably heard it all before. I - I wanna get out. I've n-never stopped wanting to get out. I'm scared… I'm scared, Mr Grizzle. There's… no such thing as a calm and hap-happy day for me.

AP: Are you scared of death?

F: Not death. Just dying. What actually happens to c-cause death. Well… I say 'just' b-but… y'know…

AP: Hmmm.

F: It's just - it's everywhere. I want to get out, but I know I can't, s-so I'm just left with my own f-fear of dying. It follows me around. When I go to see people, when I go sh-shopping, when I try and have fun on my own. [The interviewee sighs.] I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Sometimes I wish I could just stay inside forever.

AP: Well… why don't you?

F: W-what?

AP: Why don't you just stay inside? If being out and about is so dangerous, why not just avoid it altogether?

F: I… I- n-n-no. It doesn't work like that.

AP: Doesn't it?

F: Well… I don't know exactly how it works. Nobody does - I think. But… Y-you're going to die. It doesn't matter where you are, or what you're doing. Something's going to happen to you. It can happen when you're asleep. I-I've woken up in the ward after falling asleep in my own bed. I always have trouble falling asleep… always… Seems like now, I almost enjoy b-being tired - cause it means I can fall asleep easier.

AP: Incredible…

F: A-and… huh?

AP: It seems like you're the most hyper-aware out of all the citizens we've interviewed. I'm surprised there aren't more like you. Relatively speaking, everybody else so far has been depressed, nonchalant… even annoyed about the circumstances you're all in. And they've all come to terms with the inevitabilities of the situation in some way, even if they didn't want to at first. But you… you're properly on guard, all the time. You're actively refusing to adapt.

F: W-well, yeah! Why wouldn't I be? I don't want to die.

AP: But… you'll always come back though, right?

F: That doesn't mean anything. It doesn't help the fear. It's… it's the knowing that gets me most. Knowing that it's just going to happen again, and there's nothing I can do about it. But saying that, there's - there's the not knowing, too - when's it going to happen again? Where? How? I can't stop thinking about it. Every time I do anything, it's like… all the things that could possibly happen to me just play out in my head. What if that tree branch falls down, what if that car's brakes fail, what if that ceiling beam collapses, what if - what - what if one of the legs breaks on the chair I'm sitting on…? ...It never ends. It's always there.

[There is approximately 4 seconds of silence.]

[The interviewer strokes his chin.]

AP: You weren't always this paranoid, were you?

[There is approximately 3 seconds of silence.]

[The interviewee lowers her gaze.]

F: No.

AP: I suppose it would be pertinent of me to ask why.

[The interviewee looks up.]

F: What do you mean? I-I… I already explained it - it's Happy Tree… th-this is just what happens.

AP: Well… It's obvious to all of us now that there's a pattern to what happens to those in Happy Tree. You said yourself, to our correspondent - you hate what Happy Tree has done to you. But what has it done to you? Why is there a pattern?

F: I don't… I don't know. What happens to me… that's just me. That's what I'm lumped with because I was unlucky enough to end up here. Everybody has their own thing that they deal with once they come here. S-sometimes it's already there, but it just gets brought out into the open. And… intensified. That's what it seems like, anyway. Mine is just that… I-I'm scared all the time. Way more than I used to be.

AP: And you know this.

F: Yeah…

AP: ...But you let it happen anyway. I'm confident that nobody is being controlled here. Do you at least try to overcome your tendencies?

F: I - wha - I wish I could. I do try. But something won't let me. I can't stop myself from being terrified of everything, I try but I can't. Just like Petunia can't stop being a clean freak, just like Handy can't stop trying to fix things, just like those raccoons can't stop stealing, just like Flippy can't stop his… other side…

[There is approximately 2 seconds of silence.]

AP: Is there such a thing as a normal person here?

F: What this place does to you... nobody's normal. You can't be. And if you are it makes you into something else. Like I said… I don't know why. And that's probably more terrifying to me than th-the thought of d-dying. There's no… n-no reason to it. And that's scary.

AP: No reason that you know of.

F: [Shrugs] Well, yeah. But are we ever going to know?

AP: I guess that's the biggest question of all.

F: I wonder about it, sometimes… w-whether the town knows what it's doing. And… whether we change because that's how we react to the town, or… or - whether the town is actually changing us.

AP: Either way, it seems to result in more opportunities for violent death. I've been thinking about it and talking about it to my colleagues for a while, but… I think, certainly, there's something at work here. The question is whether it's sentient or not, and what caused it.

F: Mmm. Yeah. I just… [The interviewee leans forward and puts her hands on the table.] Please, Mr Grizzle-

AP: It's okay, Flaky - you can call me Joe.

F: Joe… Please tell me you can help us. Please. I read the papers that come in, and see the TV broadcasts, now we're connected. There's so many people out there saying th-they'll do all they can to help us get out, but - b-b-but I don't see anything actually happening. P-please,tell me you're different. Y-you've asked me so many c-confronting things, you must know what you're doing.

[There is approximately 10 seconds of silence.]

AP: I… I'm sorry. I realise, sometimes, that my analytical and curious side can overpower my tact. Rest assured, I do want to help. But - but I'm just one bear, Flaky. Mal's just one deer. We can only do what's possible for us. And for us, that's what we're doing right now - getting your faces, your thoughts, your theories and your stories out to the world. I was brought on for an investigation… but, truth be told - I think, for the moment, we're just messengers. Again… I'm sorry.

F: It's alright.

AP: I really hope help will come from the outside. And who knows - maybe we'll see help coming from inside Happy Tree.

F: Maybe… maybe. I-I don't know who it would come from, though. I haven't heard about anyone d-doing anything.

AP: ...Sit tight, Flaky. Sit tight.

F: I will. [The interviewee smiles.] Thank you.

MAL ROEBUCK: Uh, sorry for interrupting, but I think that's time.

AP: Okay. Thank you, Flaky, for your time. Have a safe trip home.

F: I'll… I'll try my best.

[RECORDING END]

FREE TELECOM FOR HAPPY TREE

Returned County Residents Receive Subsidised Phones - But Not All Taxpayers Are Happy

The initial rollout has begun for the next stage of Happy Tree's reintegration into Acornia's communications infrastructure. Following the recent connection of landline cables, the Acornian government and telecom provider MapleNet have collaborated on a deal that will provide Happy Tree's entire population with the latest smartphones - and government-subsidised data plans and SIM cards.

"This will truly bring Happy Tree into the modern age of communication," Telecommunications Administrator Leigh Alderbranch said at a press conference today. "Estimates were that Happy Tree, on average, was roughly thirty years behind the rest of the developed world when it came to active communications technologies. Now, the residents of Happy Tree will no longer be limited to landline telephones and physical mail. They will be able to actively engage, not only with each other, but the rest of the world as well."

Despite an overall positive reaction to the plan – especially from some within Happy Tree – concerns have been raised over the cost of such an operation, and whether it was right to use taxpayer money for it. Though the true population of Happy Tree at the present time is yet to be determined - as the government's census is still ongoing - current estimates place the population at roughly 650,000. Given an average plan price of ACD$15 a month, this means that the cost of such an operation will total around ACD$117 million a year after initial outlay costs.

"Citizens should be able to choose where their money goes," an online commenter stated. "I oppose this plan, not because I wish for Happy Tree to remain outdated, but because I feel that there could have been cheaper ways to go about this, and because this is money that could have been spent on solving more pressing issues in our economy."

Leonard Husk, the CEO of rival communications provider NorthStar Telecom, also voiced his opinions and concerns.

"I can understand the decision to subsidise the plans. We're still not even sure of the value of currency in Happy Tree yet, and it's not as if they're reintegrated into the economy. We still have some kinks to work out there. What I don't understand is why it had to be an exclusive deal with MapleNet - if the government had talked to us as well, we'd have been able to work out something that might have cost less. Hell, even opening up the operation to other providers to get some good old free-market competition happening. I suppose MapleNet just said the right things - or somebody's doing favours for favours. I don't know - I won't comment any further."

The phones supplied will begin distribution within the next few weeks, via trolleys pushed over the border.

-Condensed version of article from Broadfield Post, dated July 9.