Narrator: The scene opens on a dark stage – very dark, I mean, you can't see worth squat it's so dark – occasionally a burst of thunder rumbles with a flash of lightning, illuminating the stage briefly to reveal Tamino and Papageno stumbling around a temple courtyard.
Tamino: What a terrible night. Papageno? Are you still with me?
Papageno: (Sarcastically) Where else would I be? (Mutters to himself) How did I get into this mess anyway? (Cries out suddenly) Ouch! I ran into a thornbush! Tamino!
Tamino: (Sighs) What?
Papageno: (Whining) I think I got a splinter.
Tamino: Whatever.
Thunder resounds and shakes the stage.
Papageno: Yipes! Tamino!
Tamino: What now?
Papageno: It's dark!
Tamino: (Sarcasm) Wow, really? I couldn't tell…
Papageno: And I don't like the dark, and I think I'm coming down with something, and –
Tamino: (Impatiently) Suck it up, Papageno and be a man!
Papageno: I don't want to suck it up! I wish I was a little girl! Then I could scream like one. Aieeeeeeeeee! Tamino! Something grabbed me! I'm gonna die! Heeeeelp!
Tamino: Shush already you idiot. It's me!
Papageno: Oh.
Narrator: The Speaker and the Second Priest enter, stage right, bearing lit torches.
Papageno: Yay! Light! What's going on now?
The Speaker: (Affecting an Austrian accent) Hallo little girly mahn! I'm Hans, he's Franz, ahnd vee're here to…
Speaker and Priest in unison: Pahmp you ahp!
Papageno: Really?
Second Priest: Well…
Speaker: (To Tamino) What do you seek here, young stranger?
Tamino: Friendship and love!
Speaker: Are you ready to risk your life in tests to prove it?
Tamino: What are you kidding? I've been waiting the whole first half of this opera to do something manly! Of course!
Speaker: Even to die?
Tamino: If I should be so lucky!
Speaker: You can still back out if you like, but one step farther and it's too late!
Tamino: With Pamina and Wisdom as my prize – what is there to lose? Bring on the FYFQQ already! I'll show Sarastro I'm the best guy for his daughter!
Speaker: You'll submit yourself to all his tests then?
Tamino: To each and every one!
Speaker: Very good. Let's shake hands and your first test will –
Second Priest: Hey! Not so fast! I haven't asked my guy his questions yet.
Speaker: (Sighs and taps foot impatiently)
Second Priest: That's better. Now (turns to Papageno), are you also prepared to risk yourself for Wisdom?
Papageno: Who? Me? Yeah right! Wisdom is all fine and dandy but risking is too dangerous a business for me. Besides, with food, drink, and a pretty girl, who needs wisdom anyway?
Second Priest: You'll never get your girl if you don't take our tests.
Papageno: Well why didn't you say so before? What does this precious test consist of anyway?
Second Priest: Following our rules and not fearing to face death!
Papageno: Yikes! I just decided the life of the bachelor is the one for me!
Second Priest: Even if I told you we've got a special girl just for you?
Papageno: (Sarcastically) Just for me, eh? I could only imagine – and no, I'm still staying single!
Second Priest: (Enticingly) But she matches you perfectly. She's even got the same color feathers…
Papageno: Wait, what? Feathers? (Excitedly) Is she young?
Second Priest: Oh yes, and beautiful too!
Papageno: (Holding his breath) Her name?
Second Priest: Papagena.
Papageno: *Gasp* (Tries to maintain composure) Well, I think I'd like to see this girl, if only out of curiosity!
Second Priest: Very well.
Papageno: Wait, will I have to die if I see her?
Second Priest: (Shrugs)
Papageno: That does it. I'm staying single!
Second Priest: You can see her but until we say so you can't speak to her. Think you can manage that?
Papageno: Oh that's easy!
Second Priest: Very well, (aside to himself) boy I never thought I was gonna convince this guy… (to Papageno) Shake hands then!
Speaker: (To Tamino) You too, prince. You'll see Pamina but you can't speak to her. This is your first test. And now, for a little song about why you shouldn't believe women…
Both: (Singing) Beware of women's wiles and tricks! This is the first duty of the brotherhood. They're extra-ordinary, so very, be wary. Because they come in every shape and size!
Speaker: Size!
Second Priest: Size!
Speaker: Size!
Both: If honey's what you covet, you'll find that, they love it! Oh they do so love the things you – hey, wait a minute! (Stop singing)
Narrator: What?
Speaker: Why are we singing a Winnie the Pooh song? I'm sure Mozart knew nothing about Winnie the Pooh.
Narrator: Well the author of this parody does, so, get on with it!
Second Priest: Can't we just skip to the scary story? That's my favorite.
Narrator: Very well.
Second Priest: Woohoo! Okay, so… (Begins to sing again) Once upon a time there was a wise man…
Speaker: (Singing along) He was wise, but one day… he allowed himself to be deceived!
Second Priest: By a WOMAN!
Speaker: It was a big mistake!
Second Priest: He fell by the wayside and was all alone!
Speaker: His trust was rewarded with embarrassment, mockery, and scorn!
Second Priest: He wrung his hands in misery and shame!
Both: In the end, there was no hope for him but to die! (Cheerfully repeat the last line as they leave the stage, taking the torches with them)
The Three Feminists in Audience: … (Have suddenly been surrounded in a cloud of smoke, though whether it came from their furious note-taking during the song or from out of their ears is not immediately apparent at this time)