Author' s Note: Don't you just hate those four letter words that get in the way of writing fanfiction? No, but really, I couldn't write period. My mind has a way of acting like a stubborn 3-year old sometimes. Don't worry, I'll bribe myself better next time!
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Shikamaru would have another Arc.
(By the way, the title of this chapter doesn't refer to anything romantic. Sorry guys! Not yet!)
Chapter 10: Desire, The double-edged Sword
Sunlight poured like ozzing honey over Sasuke's eyelids.
They fluttered once.
Cool, callous hands grazed the back of his neck.
There had been so much anger, spurting out of him. It burned like bile in his throat, now unreleased it was contained back into him.
Naruto watched Kakashi bend down to his knees, his hands cradled back of Sasuke's neck. He moved them to his shoulders, adjusting the boy until he was leaning comfortably against the tree.
"What are we going to do?" Kakashi asked, turning to face Naruto.
The blonde stood, feet apart, shoulders tense, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. His eyes held an unfocused look. He was staring down at his friend, running their exchange over and over in his mind.
His blue eyes whirring with speculations.
"What did you give him?" Naruto asked, his brows furrowing slightly, posing his own question as a response.
"You could say it's a knock out drug—to induce sleeping." Kakashi's silver wisp of hair blowed forward as he stood up. He held out his hand. In his palm lay an empty capsule with a residuel smear of yellow. It was attached to a long point, a needle.
The kind of thing that was used by Anbu to deliver antedotes or poisons quickly to the system.
Naruto had seen that sort of deviced used by medic nin.
"I can't believe that you managed to use that on him, Kakashi-sensei. The Sasuke I know wouldn't be someone who'd lowered his guard enough to be taken in by something like that. I'm not sure what that means.."
"He was so angry." Kakashi said, by way of explanation.
"I know."
"No, Naruto. He was so angry."
Naruto looked up at his former sensei. Kakashi turned his gaze upwards, his eyes fixed at the shivering leaves on the tree branches.
Naruto opted for silence, waiting for Kakashi to make his point.
"He was soley focused on you. His angry was so wild, so irrational, and all consuming. Anybody could of caught him off guard in that state."
"I—I guess, he must hate me for something." Naruto's teeth clenched, his eyes shut, his fist tightened.
"No, don't get me wrong. He may have been blinded by hate and anger, but he's not mad at you."
Naruto looked up in surpise at Kakashi. "I don't get it. You just finished saying that he was so pissed at me that he abandoned his basic shinobi instincts! You don't act like that towards someone unless you really hate them! After everything I've done! I don't get it Dammit!"
Frustration was starting to leak out of his pores. Naruto had his head hang.
Kakashi, his hands in his pocket, his gaze upwards, shook his head. "I mean to say you weren't the target of his malice. It isn't you that he is angry towards. It's me. Sasuke is like this because of me."
The Silver-haired Jonin paused, his last words ringing through the air, with a defeated tone.
Naruto drew up his face, a hand brushing back the blonde strand that flopped over his forehead. His fingers loosened where they had sqeezed his head in frustration.
"How?"
"Sasuke is like a child right now. I understand why he's doing what he does, and why he's acting the way he is. You could also say, he's not quite so sane either."
"Kakashi sensei, Sasuke isn't crazy! How can you say that?!" Naruto growled, his hands flying in question.
"You see I thought about that. I thought about all the excuses he could have, and none of them would be good enough, unless he was mentally unbalanced." Kakashi held up his hand when Naruto's frown deeped and his mouth opened to protest.
"Hold on just a moment. I know the reason why he's like this, but it is only made possibly because of his state of mind. Do you follow? Let me give an example, this tree for instance. If I were to chop away at it and leave only a sliver of bark on the trunk, at any point even the smallest gust of wind could finish the job and knock it down, because it's already weakened enough. Likewise, Sasuke's mind is fragile and anything that upsets him just serves to worsen his condition. It doesn't matter whether it's a big issue or a small one."
Naruto's eyes were moving back and forth, taking in Kakashi's words. There was a flicker of something there—a notion that there may be some truth to his words. But the ever-prevalent reluctance to accept it, shone brighter in his azure eyes.
"I-I'm not saying I agree, but then why do you think he's like that in the first place-weakened mentally I mean?!"
Kakashi had to turn around and stare pointedly at Naruto. "I'm surprised you have to ask. Look at everything that has happened over the course of his life. If he wasn't insane because of it, I'd wonder."
Naruto's shoulders slumped. He had the image he could never shake, despite how long ago it had occurred, or the fact that things much worse had happened. Still, that moment—that image came back to him.
It was the day he sat looking into the empty eyes of his friend Sasuke Uchiha, after Itachi had used Tsukiyomi on him.
He had felt such a fear that day. He was so young, inexperienced, and the only thing he could think of was that he wanted to protect Sasuke. It hurt to recall how weak of a person he was back then. Yelling, in his passions, that he would go find the Akatsuki himself. He felt a lump of gratitude swell his thoat at his father-figure and mentor, Jiraiya who had stopped him.
He remember thinking that day, years before.
Why Sasuke?!
As he blinked, meeting Kakashi's gaze. The same words resonated through his mind. But it wasn't with the same ring of futility.
He was strong now.
He had a better grasp of things, and the confidence to know that he could see things through. And pain, well he could bare that easily enough.
He could protect someone now. He could. His closest friend-no problem.
Because that moment was nothing like this one. He'd never go back there.
"You said he was angry at you? You never explained why you thought that?"
"You mean you haven't noticed before now?"
"No—" Naruto froze, his mind conjuring up something that had bugged him.
Yes. He had noticed. And wondered.
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Karin was screaming as Ibiki dragged her away. "I said I aready signed them! Man!"
Naruto was laughing hard as he sat at Ichiraku's, Sasuke sitting at his left.
He had just waved to Hinata and Sakura who departed.
And Kakashi who had disppeared in a cloud of fog.
"I bet you anything, Kakashi-sensei did that on purpose. He acts all innocent, bet he secretly enjoys being a thorn in her side! It's like when he used to make us wait for hours when we had missions. Man! It's nice to see that look on someone else's face! Naruto was chuckling loudly, his empty ramen bowl tipping when he slammed the table with mirth.
Sasuke stood up. "Let's go. I'm finished." The dark-haired boy threw some dollar bills onto the table and turned to leave the booth.
"H-hey! Wait up for me Sasuke, you jerk!" Ayame had just placed another hot bowl in front of him. "I'm not finished eating—oh hell—can you just wrap that up for me. I'll have it later. Though it probably won't be good when it's cold!" He grumbled the last part.
A minute later, the blonde pulled his jacket off his seat in a hurry.
The wind slapped at the wrinkles on his black T-shirt as he ran to catch up with Sasuke.
He almost ran straight into Kakashi sensei, who appeared in front of him.
"Woah! Hey!" He skidded to a stop. "What's up?"
A few paces away, Sasuke had stood waiting for his friend to catch up with him. He was leaning against a pole adjacent to Naruto's current position.
His eyes narrowed when Kakashi appeared on the scene.
He started to make his way towards them.
Naruto's brass tones were becoming louder. He was protesting grumpily about something.
He was really on a roll. Sasuke felt a tug of amusement on his lips. He knew that expression, it was when Naruto was feeling particularly sassy, wanting to be impossible.
God help whoever was on the recieving end of his whining.
"You're one to talk about doing things on purpose, Dobe." Sasuke muttered, recalling Naruto's words at the Ramen Shop earlier. The blonde often ran you in cirlces with his dense 'hunhs' and 'whatdayameans' in an overly empahsized tone, until you got frustrated and stomped off. He could rival Shikamaru in laziness when there was a task he wanted to avoid.
He was doing that right now with Kakashi.
Sasuke had been looking at Naruto with exasperation and amusement, when his eyes traveled casually to Kakashi.
The smile on his lips froze, then disappeared.
Kakashi had reached over and rumpled the blonde's hair. His eyes held a look of being absolutely smitten, the way that a mother gazes at her 3-year old when they're being naughty but lets them get away with it, finding it impossible to resist their charms.
Kakashi looked sickeningly paternal.
It made Sasuke's stomach do a mean summersault.
Naruto was the first to acknowledge Sasuke's presence. He blinked happily, as Sasuke was coming closer.
"Hey!" Naruto exclaimed when he spotted Sasuke.
Simple-minded fool, how could he contain so much happiness in a one word?
Kakashi took his eyes off the blonde, to nod his head as acknowledgement at Sasuke.
Sasuke didn't particularly realize that his expression was a lot harder then he meant it. But he felt Kakashi blink once at the intensity of it.
He came to a stop next to Naruto, who had some papers in his hands. Sasuke felt this spiral of emotion unfurling in the pit of his stomach, like a tornado whirling choatically in all directions.
Kakashi and Sasuke stared at one another in silence.
Naruto gazed up at his friend in surprise. The expression in Sasuke's eyes looked pained. To anyone else it spelled the beginnings of anger or hate, but to Naruto it looked just like a puppys' when kicked kicked.
Naruto was engulfed in his friend's mood, wondering what had happened.
Kakashi interupted him, the Jonin continuing like he didn't notice anything was the matter, "Well. I leave that to you. I'm counting you! Remember!"
He snapped back just before Kakashi disppeared in a smoke. "Hey! What am I an errand boy? Why don't you just stop by and give it to Baa-chan! It wouldn't take you very long! Hey!"
His cry was met with deaf ears.
"Tch." He turned back to his companion. "Hey, what's the matter?" He thought he imagined the look that Sasuke and Kakashi shared. It was so cold.
"Nothing."
"Are you still mad at Kakashi-sensei, just like earlier when he asked you to go training with him?"
Naruto questioned. But as he looked, he couldn't find the enveloping darkness he'd witnessed in Sasuke's eyes a moment was only a tired look.
They walked for a few minutes with Naruto gazing warily at Sasuke, trying to figure it out. His hands were cradled behind his back. He walked slightly behind him, squinting as he mentally exerted himself.
"I guess a lot has changed since I've been gone." Sasuke said, speaking up after a while.
"That's expected. Heck, I've changed too!-or haven't you noticed!" Naruto fell back into teasing his comrade.
Sasuke gave a slight scoff, which made the blonde's smile get wider. See he was imagining things, Sasuke was fine.
"Kakashi looks like he just can't say no to you."
The comment was odd. It ring funny to Naruto's ears. "Yeah, he accepts me now. Don't you?" The blonde replied in a low tone. This conversation was quickly bringing up the 'cue-the-violin' moments of his past, before he met any of the people he called 'comrades' or 'friends'.
"I'm grateful." Naruto replied sincerely, shaking off any melancoly thoughts.
"Are you." Sasuke stated, a hollow echo to it.
The tension seemed to melt after a while.
Ten minutes found Naruto easily telling Sasuke funny stories about the Hokage. The Raven had even cracked a smirk.
Then Ino Yamanaka had stepped in front of them and Naruto had slyly left his friend with a knowning wave.
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The memory vanished like a cloud of smoke in Naruto's head.
"Yeah, I guess I did notice."
Kakashi sensei and him stood looking down at Sasuke Uchiha's limp form slumped against the tree. The sun was starting to set now. The red tinge of the horizion bleeding into the atmosphere. A red glare hitting their eyes.
"But I still don't get it."
"I suspect that Sasuke is jealous that I've been there to protect you Naruto, when I haven't been there for him."
Kakashi spoke so matter-of-factly, that it was plain he'd thought this over in his head a number of times.
"But Sasuke's—He's not like that—I hate to say it but he doesn't care what you think of him. That doesn't really make sense, he's never been one to care about those kind of things. To get jealous like that—It just doesn't-"
"Sasuke's mind is like a child's right now, you have to understand that. He's become that way because he's never dealt with things. All of it is catching up to him. You have to understand that. In a way, this may be good for him. Sometimes the only way to be alright, is to completely unravel first."
Naruto sat down, crossing his legs under him. A hand on his cheek. "I was worried when he came back, it felt too good to be true. When we were walking together to the Konoha gates, Sakura-chan with us. It felt like a dream." He exhaled. "I can still see the back of him, as he walked into the village. I guess I should of known that everything wasn't magically going to be alright. How can I tell Sakura-chan?"
"Naruto, people deal with trauma and get through it. As long as Sasuke is given the proper care he desparetely needs, there is a chance he can have a normal life."
"As a shinobi, can we really ever have a normal life?" Naruto wondered under his breath.
Kakashi looked at Naruto in surprise. "Are you regretting being a ninja?"
"No. It's been my dream for the longest time. To be able to have the strength necessary to protect all the people I care about, And...no matter how much trouble it is, that's the life we choose, isn't that right Kakashi-sensei? I just meant, Sasuke really just needs some normal. For him, that would be going on missions. He's someone who thinks with his body. I think apart of the problem is that he hasn't been able to leave the village."
Naruto was speaking contemplatively. He fell silent. His head perked up for a moment, seeming to remember something. "You said-" His eyes lowered, understanding swimming in the cerelean depths. "That he wishes you were there to protect him, you sounded so sure? Why'd ya think that?"
"I went on a mission with Sasuke, it was unofficial. Lady Tsunade sent us. It was then that I—"
Kakashi stopped talking.
They both felt the spike of chakra in the air.
Sasuke had woken up.
Naruto was on his feet in an instant.
Sasuke's face seemed much tamer. He looked almost drowsy. He was slowly peeling his lids open, he blinked too slow for it to be normal.
The drug. Naruto thought.
He even had a hard time lifting his chin so he could glare effectively at them. He swallowed a few times, distrusting his voice to not slur. A twitch went through his limbs.
His foot. Left. Right. His arms.
He was secured to the tree.
It was sadly ironic.
Kakashi had turned around, his back to Sasuke as he was waking up.
Sasuke felt alarm go through him when he percieved that he was tied up, no doubt trying to recall what had happened. His eyes flickered to Naruto, his posture relaxing at the sight.
He probably thought for a moment that he was captured by enemy ninja. But seeing the face of his old comrade, wheather they were getting along or not, made him somewhat at ease.
Though he'd never admit it.
When his eyes fell on Kakashi, it seemed to come back to him.
The jonin eyed the boy tied to the tree who was started to nearly froth at the mouth with anger, and made a motion to leave.
"Naruto." Kakashi said.
The blonde nodded without looking away from his friend. "Got it sensei, you can leave now."
The Jonin departed.
Silence whistled through the air.
Naruto finally spoke up. "It wasn't my idea, but you're drugged and since you're not going anywhere maybe you can listen to what I have to say."
Sasuke groaned, flexing his arms, trying to push off with his numbed toes. And he was doing it too.
Naruto was certain that the drug was supposed to be in effect, yet in one minute, Sasuke had rose to his feet, albeit tied to the tree by his hands.
His strength was not a joke.
Sasuke managed to form a nasty smirk with his facial muscles as he spoke. "I never took you for a coward Naruto. But you had to resort to this." His voice was mocking.
"Let's talk. Everything. Sasuke, I mean it."
"What makes you think that I—" Sasuke began, contempt plain on his face. His voice rising.
Naruto interupted him, speaking so softly that his words were almost lost in the wind.
"I understand you Sasuke. Really I do. Kakashi is probably the only thing you have left of your family. You associate him with the Uchihas, his best friend was one. He has the sharingan. And he was our sensei—you care. When you came back, these weeks, you felt alone. I get that!"
Sasuke had his mouth open, veins bulging across his neck. So much hate in his eyes. But no sound came from his lips.
Naruto was looking sadly at his friend, but as he stopped speaking, anger shone in his eyes. His eyebrows drew down in furious expression. "I get it! But HOW could you FEEL like you're alone! I TOLD YOU, YOU HAVE US, we're your comrades! I thought you were a genius Sasuke, why can't you understand that blood ties are not the only strong ones!"
"Naruto." Sasuke cleared his throught. "What the fuck are you talking about? You think I'm sad over stupid things. I told you, I want to be Hokage and I want to kill you!"
Naruto reached for the tree, his hand on the wires, and pulled.
Blood dripped on the ground from the cuts that were made on Naruto's hands, Sasuke's eyes watched the crimson flow in droplets.
Naruto's chakra swirled in his body, gushing to the surface. His pupils turning red.
A loud snap and the wires had severed.
He stepped back, his hands clenching against the red.
Sasuke was freed.
He fell to the ground, cursing his inability. He willed his drugged body to stand, but he was bent over, palms in the dirt, unable to shake the need to take deep breaths with every effort.
"nhh...hnnna..." Deep breaths wracked his body. His vision was started to come into clear focus, but it blurred again.
He hadn't felt this helpless since...
since...
Memories threaded through his head.
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The images came faster. Brighter.
Laughter and voices rising.
The dusty room of the long time deserted Uchiha hideout had slashes of sunlight from the cracks in the ceiling.
Dawn had come and the light lit up the musty area.
Sasuke was not regretting splitting up from Kakashi. He felt like this place should be for his eyes only.
He swayed. He caught himself, surprised.
He stood for a moment, eyes wandering. Something in the back of his mind was knocking on the door of his conciousness. Something tickled there.
His Sharingan whirred, without his permission.
Every inhalation of this ruined place, every step made over crumbling rock, and every slab of stone dipped into his pool of memories, until they pieced together in his mind, rolling out like film before him.
There was a myth that sometimes when Uchihas are young, because of the Sharingan that they will one day possess, the chemicals in their brain periodically become stimulated, during times of emotional stress to store a memory or two photographically.
Sasuke had unknowingly, as a young child stored a memory of that day.
He remembered the feeling of heightened emotion, too much exitement and anxiety from his first time at a clan meeting.
The room whirred now to life before his eyes.
Like a genjutsu.
His heart was stuck in his throat, as a seven-year old Itachi walked past him. The room was alive with hordes of clan members, the tell tale Uchiha symbol embroidered on their clothes.
Women, children. Men.
Itachi.
It was like he'd traveled back in time. There was no longer the dust on the ground, gleaming tables, breezy curtains, and the presence of people who had been dead now for many years, were recalled into life easily.
Everything his mind had witnessed that day.
Every detail.
A paper fluttering to the ground that he'd seen out of the corner of his eye.
His chest rose and fell with increasing speed, his heartrate acclerating.
An argument with two clanswomen bickering about their sons, he remembered tuning in to their conversation and could now here it played out before him, but only as much as he had listened.
Then he—his child self—ran to a stone bench where his mother sat and laid in her lap.
His eyes shut, his mind calling to mind the feeling of being nestled against his mother while the warmth of the sun caressed his face.
His old feelings coming back. His old ideas and naivete.
It was too much.
Mikoto—as he'd seen in pictures and his old memories-was now so vivid. She was so real that he was frozen with fear.
He walked numbly. One step. Two steps.
Her skin pale, like his. Strands of bony hair that somehow looked navy blue, falling over her eyes as she threw her mouth back in laughter.
He'd told her what animal's butt one of the clan members hair looked like.
Not Itachi's though, hunh? She'd remarked amused.
Sasuke took a step closer to the images of his mother and him, just when he'd fell to his knees and raised his hand to touch her cheek-it all vanished.
His vision went dark. His hands brushed his face as he collapsed on the ground.
His face was wet.
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"I've never heard of such a thing." Tsunade frowned. "And this is what he told you when you found him?"
Kakashi nodded. "When I found him unconcious on the floor, I carried him as fast as I could. The ceiling caved in on us. I managed to make a summon so we could dig our way out of there. Afterwards when he woke up. The sun on his face, to the outside world, he a bit nonsensical in his speech and—crying afterwards.
Tsunade raised an eyebrow, as if she didn't quite believe it.
"No sounds came from him, and even his expression was blank, but he was calling for his mother and itachi, his face kept running with tears. I confess I thought I was done being surprised. He was a mess."
"Well you know the reason the Tsukiyomi is torture, the way it is able to project images that don't exist and make them almost tangible to one. It enhances physcial sensations to delude the person. Happy memories may be just as unbearable as painful ones to remember, especially when one has a visual jutsu that can make it seem that real. It's hard to be reminded of the things we no longer have."
Kakashi nodded. "It's why he's like this now. He experienced a reality that doesn't exist anymore. The look when I woke him up—it was like he'd rather have kept sleeping. It was the most beautiful sight to him, his family, something he didn't have in his waking life. He said he was there. I have to admit, I think it would take me a while to get back from that kind of experience. All of our weaknesses are in what we most desire, to see those who have left us and to feel the happiness and contentness we felt in the past. If anyone could hold that for even a few seconds—they wouldn't willingly let go."
Tsunade closed her eyes briefly, her hands on her hip. Blond hair falling into her eyes as she cast them downwards. She'd almost gave up everything at the mere idea of bringing back her lover and brother to life, just for an illusion. If anyone could understand this, it was her. Her green eyes clouded sadly for a moment.
Kakashi's foot absently tapped the ground. He sighed. "He also harbors resentment towards me, for not being able to help him, but like I told you, I suspect this ordeal has brought that type of pointless anger out of him."
"Oh, I doubt it was pointless anger. Uchihas have a greater depth of emotion. Even though he may not act like it, at the end of the day he's just a student who looks up to his sensei and feels petulent when he's not given enough attention."
Kakashi shook his head. "I can understand that acting up in this way is normal, but the way he reacts isn't normal. I suppose I can't blame him, he's doesn't know the concept of emotional stability. He takes out his frustrations out the only way he knows how."
Tsunade bit her red nails. "This is all just great timing. I recieved a letter from the Mizukage a couple of hours ago. I had planned to let Sasuke have his first official mission. I set up a team to assist the Mist Ninja on the trouble they've been having of a rogue shinobi murdering civilians as well as ninja, on their border. I wanted Shikamaru, Sasuke and Naruto. But Shikamaru recieved a summons from the Cipher division an hour ago, and Sasuke as you told me, sounds like he is not in any condition to leave the village. Given all this, Naruto is not likely to go anywhere. So there you have it, the best laid plans...chh."
Kakashi was about to speak when a knock issued from the closed doors.
"Who the devil is it?!" Tsunade called out, annoyed. It sufficed as a 'come in'.
Two forms, one with bright blonde hair, and one with dark ebony tresses came into view.
"Naruto, Sasuke?" Tsunade questioned, bewildered. She looked back at kakashi and then the two of them.
The Uchiha's face was composed. He looked—fine. No anger or malice detectable. He looked alert and stood very still.
Naruto stepped forward. A small smile cracking over his features. "We're ready for our mission, Baa-chan."
I saw this beautiful fanart picture, it had Naruto standing in front of a mirror, his parents reflected in them, but no one was behind him. It was the mirror of Erised from Harry Potter.
Though I had wrote this chapter before I saw that picture, somehow that is exactly what I'd been trying to convey with the Sasuke Memory scenes.
The idea that one can become unbalanced if they were reminded of what they could have or what they had before.
Thanks for reading! Thoughts are very much appreciated!
See ya'll for the next chapter!